WANTED

Waiting Child Alert!!!!!

2012-02-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

I was recently contacted by a blog reader with a huge heart for special needs adoption. She is advocating for a BEAUTIFUL little 5-year-old boy of Chinese heritage who has cerebral palsy . . .oh, he is one cute little muffin!!!!
His name is Alex and he needs a Mommy and Daddy right away.
Alex can be adopted for a VERY small fee (somewhere between $1,000 and $3,000) and he has a generous monthly stipend and medicaid through the state of New York to help insure he receives good care until adulthood. Alex can be seen in the video below.
If you decide to watch it, hold onto your heart because he is JUST SO tiny and
cute!

Are you the family for Alex?

For information on Alex, please contact
Debra at truelymd@aol.com

Please pray about what the Lord would have you do. And do it. Let the blessings flow!!!!

Red Skies in the Morning, Sailors Warning

2012-02-04T09:22:00.000-08:00

James 4:17
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

More choppy waters on the home front. And a safe harbor at the end of the day.

Our struggling son has ONE ally in this house. ONE person who he has not injured, lied to or worn out to the point of weariness. Our newest son.
Newest Son is a Godsend for so many reasons. He not only brings extra light, life and cheer to this home but he was perceptive enough to know right away that our struggling son has "issues" and he shared with me that he feels like he can be a good influence on Struggling Brother. He has been. He is.

But last night, Struggling Brother blew it.

(side note)
Our home is structured like most Filipino homes. Our younger children are expected to show respect and obedience toward their older siblings. The older siblings are expected to be kind leaders who put the needs of the younger children before their own. Our younger kids have to call the olders "Kuya" (big brother) or "Ate" (big sister). Is is a family structure that has been in place since our first kids were born and I love the way it plays out. Our kids do NOT hit one another. Our younger children have NEVER said to an older sibling "you're not the boss of me" or "I don't have to listen to YOU! YOU'RE not my father/mother". The olders are, in fact, the "boss of you" and you DO have to listen.
Likewise, we don't see cruelty from your olders to our youngers. It's a structure I would never have known had I not married into it and it's one more reason I'm so HAPPY to be married to my Filipino hubby!Well, that and the incredible food his culture has brought into my life (can somebody pass the pancit, please?).
(end side note)

Struggling Son walks into the room where New Son is playing an NBA video game and says "I want to play". New Son says "I'm in the middle of my game. You can play next". Struggling Son says rudely "I PAID FOR THAT GAME" and proceeds to plug in a controller and pause the game on New Son.
New Son shows great restraint in putting down his controller, saying "here, have it" and leaving the room.
Struggling Son says "sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over as he realizes he's about to get into trouble.
New Son keeps walking, goes to his room to cool off (well done!).

Struggling Son, my great saboteur and self isolator was in need of putting a chasm between himself and New Son, who has been a great friend to him.
It hurt me to see this play out. It hurt me for both boys. I went upstairs to talk to New Son first. He was very understanding. He said "I see how it is with him and I always try to help him but NOW I see why nobody wants to spend time with him."
Sad but insightful. And true. But still mostly sad.

I go into Struggling Son's room next to talk through what he did, why he feels he did it and how he can now fix it. He GREATLY over reacts and ends up telling me that he doesn't want to be close to me. He will be out of the house soon and he's fine if he and I don't have a relationship. I did NOT make this event about he and I. He did. Everything always comes back to me and him in his mind. It's the "mother part" of Reactive Attachment Disorder. I'm paying for the sins of others. I think I always will. I hope not but I think so.

Struggling Son pouts for awhile but, hey', it's "Fun Friday" and we always watch a movie as a family and have popcorn and/or ice cream. Struggling Son comes out to watch the movie but refuses the food. Apparently, he doesn't need anything from US. He sits in a bean bag chair he has slid as far from the rest of us as possible. It's a small house. He can't go far. But he's here. That's progress.

We watch "Tangled" and it ends at about 9pm - still early for a "Fun Friday" so we decide to Netflix "Mars Needs Moms". It's a little dark for kids and pretty odd but we didn't pay extra for it so I eat my havarti and crackers while we watch.
Immediately, the child in the movie gets into trouble and tells his mother he doesn't need her! He tells her he wishes he didn't have a mom! A tear slips down mom's cheek as she gently shuts his bedroom door.

I hear a sniffle that is NOT coming from the television.
Struggling Son is all teary on his bean bag.

By the end of the movie (spoiler here . . . ), the son is clinging to his mother and telling her how much he needs and loves her. He talks about how she tucks him in at night and feeds him. How she vacuums the house and bandages his cuts. How she washes his clothes and cheers at his soccer games . . . gulp. . .

Struggling Son is in the bean bag and is now wrecked. He is trying to sob silently but not all that successful in said endeavor. The occasional wet snort reverbs around the room.

The lights are all off. The room is dark.

I make eye contact with hubby and slightly shake my head. Hubby is NOT to mention what is taking place. None of us do.
We leave this muscular almost 14 year old, sporting his faux hawk, with a little dignity. We wait until he pulls himself together to turn on the light. He makes a bee line for the bathroom where the nose blowing commences.

I go to my room and wait.
I hear him trying to find me and the slightest little "tap tap" on my door.

He comes in and when he sees me, the water works begin again. Apologies. Forgiveness. It's over. Again.

And so goes it with such a tough and yet fragile child.

I do love him so very much. Sometimes the love gets caught up in the circumstances and swept way like debris in a fisherman's net. But then some connection of his ability to hurt with words will float to the surface and it looks like a buoy in the storm. He's GETTING IT! I do believe he's getting it.
And it scares him so much that he lashes out. And our whole family thinks "here we go again" and some of us wish, secretly and not so secretly, that he was just passing through. And the visit was winding down.
But that's not what our Heavenly Father called us to.
We met him in that psyche hospital. We prayed to our sovereign God to show us how far we were required to go and our loving, all-knowing, always-good Father said
"all the way".
Those are facts that can not disputed. Not then. Not now.

We have to keep on keeping on so the name of our Savior is made to count for something in this little household, among our friends, in our church, hopefully even in the blog community.

We want to make a mark.

We just want all of this to matter. For now and for eternity.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

2012-01-30T18:12:00.000-08:00

Facebook.
I'm on it. Three of my teens are on it.
Hubby's there, too. My parents, siblings, extended family members and over 900 other "friends" share words of wisdom, funny animal clips, political rhetoric, prayer requests and sometimes off-color humor with me via a little wonder called "my news feed".

I am considering deleting my account.
I don't type this as some do, expecting throngs of people to beg me stay, stating how deeply they will miss me. I am really toying with the idea of saying "goodbye" to facebook forever.

And it's not because it's so time consuming.
It used to be but back when it was so time consuming, I was not willing to let it go.
I don't use it as often as I used to. It's getting kind of boring, actually, but that's not why I'm thinking of leaving.

I'm thinking of leaving because, as the presidential election draws near, I find myself getting truly angry at many of the hateful, ill-informed posts my "friends" are sharing about the candidates I support. I'm conservative. That draws fire.
I'm 100% pro-life (yes, in cases of rape and incest. . .YES! Two wrongs don't make a right, people!). I do not think homosexual Americans should be granted the right to legally marry each other. I don't think they should be bullied, harassed, mistreated, fired from jobs or scorned either. It is a slippery slope we should avoid.
But holding conservative beliefs and reading these statuses, updates and arguments is so very frustrating. I'm not interested in getting into a public political debate on facebook. And it's NOT because I can't hold my own. Ask anyone who knows me in real life. I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I'm NOT willing to go back and forth on Facebook to the tune of 200 comments in a thread.
It is the very definition of "fruitless".
But sometimes, I love my facebook. We have been prayed for and been able to pray for others. I have literally watched families formed through adoption via the window of facebook.
I get to see my California relatives and my siblings' kids anytime I want thanks to facebook.
I get to see if my high school friends look older than I do (ha ha) and if their kids are cuter than mine (not a chance!).
But I've also been remiss in "friending" people that are not really friends. I have had to get out my high school yearbook or troll through the "mutual friends" of other people to see if I even know them before accepting their friend requests.
It's not my high level of popularity. I think it's my memory!

Of course, I'm being a little facetious here but I am probably going to delete the account and not just say "I'm leaving" and then leave the account open to see who really cares (you know, kind of like that dream of attending your own funeral to see who cries . . . oh . . .that's not something everyone dreams? Never mind).I

I wonder, bloggy buddies, have any of you deleted facebook after being a long-time user? Did you get that edgy, itchy-under-the-skin feeling that accompanies giving up caffeine (or crack)?

Did you make your children delete, too? Since you aren't there to watch their interactions?

That's definitely a sticking point for me.
Maybe I'll stay . . .nah, I'll go . . oh, heck . . .I think I'll sleep on it.

G'night!

Gotta go see if the cheerleading captain has gained weight lately!!!!!

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

2012-01-24T05:56:00.000-08:00

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food,and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.
James 2:14-18 ESV

This morning, this scripture has simply laid me low.

I am not doing enough. WE, as the body of Christ, are not doing enough.
It is true that Jesus told His disciples, "the poor will always be with you" (John 12:8) and the needs will always be present this side of Heaven but I am just hurting for them this morning.

My best friend's hubby and oldest son are currently in Ethiopia having court to bring home two precious, beautiful older boys (and they could use some help, so head over to www.fromgodstummy.blogspot.com and take a look).
She posted pics of the home in which her boys currently live. I am undone.

I'm also chagrined about our agency's 2012 Share Your Summer hosting program that is scheduled to take place in June. 14 orphans from The Philippines will be arriving in Charlotte, NC to be hosted and, prayerfully, find forever families. Although there is some genuine interest and some children being pursued, I truly believed that there would be too many families for the number of children scheduled to participate. That doesn't seem to be the case.
(contact Jim at www.christianadopt.org for more info or to donate so another family can host)

I know I have a narrow scope. Only orphan care. Philippine adoption is "my thing" and it may not be everyone else's calling. I get that. It's been such a miraculous blessing for our family that I WISH everyone would jump on board but I know that God has created Believers with different callings and functions as members of the same body.

It's just hard for me to fathom the vast numbers of Believers who are probably getting up each day, going to their jobs, coming home, eating their delicious dinners, heading to church on Sunday and starting the cycle again on Monday. Can people really go for seven days and not be moved by the plight of children who would love to call them "family"? Kids who would be happy to share a bedroom, a bicycle, the last piece of pie . . . they'd just be grateful to be claimed as a "son" or "daughter".

I am plagued by this knowledge.

On mornings like this, it is too much for me.

As I type, my beautiful Ezekiel sits next to me looking through the book "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?". I feel his warmth on my left arm. He is making the sounds of the animals on each page.

The mere thought that my fear or complacency could have caused me to miss all of this brings tears to my eyes. Literally.

And there are so many out there. So many hopeful children - older children who are completely aware of their plights, their need, and can do nothing about it but worry.

I have the photos of 14 of those children. They wait. And they know.
They are all in orphanages. They have all seen families come to claim others.
I know this, too.

Hosting an orphan this summer won't change the whole world. It will change THEIR world. It will change YOUR world.

But once you've seen, you can never "unsee". When your heart is pricked for orphans, that hole does not heal. I don't think I want mine to although some days, I do. It's relentless.

It hurts and it's frustrating but there's something so freeing about living for a "bigger picture". I wouldn't go back if I could.

Pray for those 14 Philippine orphans, I BEG YOU.
Pray for them by name . . . by Ohmar,Aaron, Christian, Edmund, Sarah, Alma, Maria Fe, Kevin, Michael, Alex, John, Andrew, Verzal and Angela. Three girls and eleven boys who have no parents.

14 out of millions.

Precious in His sight.

The "New" and "Improved" Gospel

2012-01-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

Just like our culture at large, churches have trends. I've been around long enough to have witnessed some sweeping trends in my own Christian culture.
Among them are:

1. The switch from traditional hymns to praise music (from organ and piano to a praise band)
2. The change from church buildings to multi purpose centers complete with a gym floor and folding chairs rather than pews and carpet
3. The trend away from "Sunday clothes" and toward casual wear - even jeans and flip flops - for services
4. The shying away from Sunday school in exchange for cell groups or community groups
5. The acceptance of coffee cups, bagels and doughnuts during a service (a personal favorite of mine - ha ha).

I'm not stating that these trends are bad, non-Biblical or that they are a better, more desirable environment in which to learn how to live out our faith. We Believers bring to our churches our own life experiences that shape the way we learn and worship best.
There is a trend that I see in the church today that has me both excited AND a bit worried: the focus of so many churches today is turning OUTWARD. Believers are seeing beyond their own back yards and beginning to notice and address the needs of the poor around the world. I know this was always done, to some extent, through missions work but it seems today that most churches are expending extra effort, money and time reaching the poor and working to meet their felt needs (food, clothing, shelter, clean water, medical care).
Sometimes we do this through short-term mission trips (which can be both a blessing and a curse to those we serve - more on THAT in a later post), through supporting another church in a foreign land, through adopting children, through medical missions . . . the opportunities seem endless and the number of Believers jumping on board ever increasing.
I am PROUD to call myself a Christ follower when I see my brothers and sisters extending their hands in this way. But I often question, in my heart of hearts, if we are "finishing the job" or not.
I worry that we have been duped by The Enemy into believing that meeting felt needs IS the gospel. Feeding people does NOT introduce them to Christ. It feeds them.
Adopting children does NOT create disciples, it simply makes them non-orphans.
Going to Outer Mongolia to dig wells does not draw humans into a walk with their Creator - unless we give them the gospel along WITH the need meeting.
When we meet needs without sharing the gospel, we are selfish. We are making ourselves feel good by helping those in need. We can lay down to sleep with a smile feeling happy and maybe a little smug that a family has a full belly because of US but we have gypped those we intended to help. We have robbed ourselves of the joy of TELLING others of the love of Christ while SHOWING them at the same time.
Satan would love for us to feel we have done all that is required of us when we meet felt needs and yet to keep silent about forgiveness of SIN, salvation through CHRIST, a new life in HIM and eternity in either HEAVEN or HELL.
I worry that good deeds have become the "new" and "improved" gospel and not a segue to sharing the REAL, HARD CORE, NO NONSENSE, NO ONE COMES TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH CHRIST, truth that saves.
Yes, I am of reformed theology and I firmly believe that those who Christ has pre-ordained and called WILL come to him but, don't we, as Christ followers, want to be in on that? Don't we long to SEE people submit their lives to the one who made them for relationship with Him? Don't we hope to take their hands and lead them in that beautiful prayer that someone probably prayed with us in years gone by? You are witness to a miracle when that happens. It is beauty beyond description.
Many do want that. Many individuals who serve, go on mission, adopt children and reach out to the poor do so with the ultimate goal of sharing the gospel. The only gospel. The "good news" that rich or poor, fatherless or family-rich, born in the good old USA or somewhere far and remote, Jesus longs for them to come to Him.

Let us not confuse good works with the good news.

And let us press on toward the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus, our Lord. (Phil. 3:14)

Getting To Know You . . .Getting To Know All About You . . .

2012-01-17T13:21:00.000-08:00

Transition.
It is not a word that stirs up positive feelings and warm fuzzies.
In labor, "transition" is that excruciating time period when most women begin to say "I just can't do this anymore".

In adoption, "transition" refers to that period of time beginning the day your child comes home and ending at the point when you feel he is comfortable in his new family.

Transition in adoption can last anywhere from just a few months to upwards of a year depending on whether or not there are bonding "issues" on either side of the equation and depending on how much effort each side expends.

We have adopted children who were 3 1/2, 8, 2 and 15 years old upon arrival to our home. The two youngest were much like babies when they came home. Both were diapered. Neither could speak. They were utterly dependent on Mom and Dad for the meeting of their needs. Bonding is easy, in my opinion, when someone needs you THAT much. I got to hold and bottle feed Ezekiel for many months, looking into his eyes. Kyle was using a sippy cup but I often chose to tilt him back in my arms and rock him while he drank his pedia sure. I hoped, in both cases, I was emulating nursing - lots of eye contact, singing softly, cuddling them to sleep. It was blissful and the bonding happened spontaneously. Of course there were hard moments and bumpy times - sleepless nights, inexplicable crying (me AND them - ha ha) but those early days with my tiny ones were mostly happy and characterized by joy.

Here are a few VERY early pics of Kyle . . .

And Ezekiel . . .

When the child joining your family is much older, transition takes a bit of a different turn. For us, it was marked by some awkwardness, a few misunderstandings, a lot of time feeling like we have a house guest and plenty of "on your best behavior" for everyone involved. Time and familiarity helped bring the walls down but some strategies that I found EXTREMELY helpful in getting to know our newest family member (15 years old upon arrival home) may prove useful to someone out there in "cyberland" who is preparing to bring an older child home.

1. spend plenty of time doing intentional FUN activities. Francis and I play a game of scrabble or uno almost every night after the three youngest are in bed. We love to go to mini-golf as a family, out to movies or just sit outside in lawn chairs on nice nights while the kids toss the football or jump on the trampoline.

2. Involve your new child in HELPING right away. People feel more like family and less like company when they are contributing. We didn't want out new son to get the impression that we brought him here to "work" (ha ha) but we also wanted him to take ownership in the family and home. We started by asking him to help with cooking (he likes to cook) or taking out trash. He and I had a lot of fun the day he learned to sort laundry and use the washing machine! Many steps involved but I only had to show him ONCE and he mastered it!!

3. Because we homeschool, we have the added benefit of LOTS of extra time together. Part of our new son's daily work includes keeping a journal. He writes on topics like "My Most Amazing Day" or "My Biggest Regret". He chooses from a long list of prompts. I have gotten to know him so much better through his journal and I always take the time to write a little comment after his entry.

4. GIVE THEM SPACE. I found out (the hard way) that older adoptees sometimes need a little extra time to be alone with their thoughts. In the earliest days of our new son's arrival, I was so very worried about him grieving his "old life" that I know I badgered him with questions that he was not ready to answer yet. He is such a positive, happy person on a regular basis so recognizing those times of sadness and introspection was easy. During those times, I offer to listen or take a walk with him if needed but am careful not to be offended if the answer is "no, thanks". Sometimes it is.

5. Riding in the car alone (this works with all my teens, adopted or not) brings out a LOT of unexpected information. While we both concentrate on the road, it seems to take the pressure off the "where do I look?" "what do I do with my hands/eyes", "is she going to try and get all mushy and hug me" issues. My kids open up often while we are en route.

6. Indirect conversation has helped us to get to know our new teen. We will often talk about other people/children/situations and it seems a safe way to share how WE really feel about a given topic. While discussing a story we watched together on the nightly news, we are actually getting a good feel for how the other person perceives a situation.

7. Gage their comfort level with physical affection.
This was a HARD one for me. I am a very "huggy" person with my kids. I kiss them as much as I can. I love to rub their backs, hold their hands and snuggle with them - big and small. Some children are not used to physical affection. Others truly crave it but won't initiate. Still others will hang on you like an octopus if you are within arms' reach. As much as I wanted to wrap my new 15 year old in a blanket and rock him like a baby when he first came home (ha ha), I resisted.
I found that he was fine with being hugged and would often sit practically on my lap on the couch even though other seating was available. He would ask for help with his hair or some other task that involved closeness and so I interpreted that as a "green light". It was.
Just use your best judgement and observe the cues. Don't be pushy with the hugs but don't be stingy either. You may have to step outside of your comfort zone and take the RISK of having your efforts rebuffed. You never know until you try.

8. SEIZE THE MOMENT. If your new child gets sick, gets hurt during play or seeks you out while upset, make every effort to nurture. Go that extra mile in "babying" them so there is no question in their minds that you are the one they can always turn to. Open arms and open hearts are rarely empty.

I hope the list above doesn't feel overwhelming to any of you, dear readers. These are simple strategies that have helped us assimilate our newest blessing into the crew. The temperament of your child, the tenure of the home, the amount of English your new kiddo can understand and many other factors will effect how YOU integrate someone into your own family.

The most important strategy of all is also the simplest: pray daily for wisdom.
The Bible is clear that God longs to give wisdom to all who ask. Just ask.

Flowers on the Trail

2012-01-14T06:33:00.000-08:00

So much of this blog is dedicated to adoption issues.

This is a venue that allows our family to share the ups and downs of the calling with those who have experienced it or are hoping to.

But our adopted children are not the only "stars" of this show.

God has done marvelous works by bringing children from half a world away and making them ours HOWEVER . . .
He paved the way for these children coming to our home by first blessing us with two biological children who are wonders in their own rites.

To my "first-born babies" . . . you made us love parenting. You showed us the rewards are always worth the hard work.
You revealed to us that loving someone MORE than yourself is an unstoppable reaction.
You are beautiful people. Show stoppers.

When Dad and I talk about the adults you are growing into, we are giddy with pride. Watching Jesus shape your character and use your natural gifts and talents has been a great privilege.

Thank you for loving Jesus, sharing your family so willingly and making Daddy and I feel like far more successful parents than we really are.

We are blessed to call you "son" and "daughter".

The Healing Place

2012-01-13T06:38:00.000-08:00

Finding an alternate placement for our struggling son has been put on hold.

Are we still tired? Yes
Are we still weary and battle worn? Absolutely!
Is this spiritual warfare? Sure. Of the most difficult type.

My post about "Hating Holland" was written after a particularly rough stretch with this child. A cluster of lying and sneaking coupled with some other issues and topped off with the "cherry" of my own need to depend more fully on God for my "daily bread".

I'm just human and
The Enemy is sneaky and cruel.
1 Peter 5:8
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

His aim is destruction and his target is any Believer that might make an impact for the kingdom of God.

I want our home to scare him.
I want our family to be a "healing place" for wounded children.

In order for that to happen, I must be on guard or BE ALERT as 1 Peter says.
Being alert, for me involves:
Starting each day with prayer and asking the Lord to let me see the schemes of the enemy for what they are
Keeping my thoughts in check and not allowing them to get into a negative cycle toward this particular child, or anyone in my home
Having our calling and vision in the forefront of my mind as I tackle each day

Our calling. Our vision.
To minister to the fatherless in the most direct way possible. To take the steps needed for them to NOT be fatherless. To make a lasting commitment to children who have not known permanency.

It's so difficult sometimes.
It's so joyous at other times.
Just when the "difficult" seems too much to handle, the "joyous" often peeks in and reminds us why we love this calling. Why we have run headlong to embrace it four times over. Why I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Yes, I would.

I would gladly receive another child into this family if that is what God has planned for us.

I have to trust that my Sovereign Father, who does all things for our good and His own glory will never lead our family into harm's way.
But sometimes I wander there on my own. And He lovingly draws me back, sometimes through painful correction and other times through gentle nudges.
I prefer the nudges.
This month I have endured some painful correction.

Lord,
Make this home a healing place.
Let light and life fill it.
May every child who enters here know he is loved and wanted.
May each person feel accepted and adored.
Let us be YOUR hands and feet to guide, correct, shape and comfort those
entrusted to us.
And let us not grow weary in doing good.
For YOUR Great Fame,
Nikki

Touring Holland - A Reader's Response

2012-01-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

P.S.(IN AN AWKWARD PLACE) I JUST CHECKED MY STATS AND NOTICED READERS FROM THE NETHERLANDS. PLEASE NOTE THAT I DON'T TRULY "HATE" HOLLAND, IT'S PEOPLE OR THE NETHERLANDS. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE. "HOLLAND" IS JUST THE COUNTRY CHOSEN BY THE AUTHOR OF A POEM TO REPRESENT AN UNEXPECTED DESTINATION. THE NAME OF ANY COUNTRY COULD BE INSERTED.

My recent post regarding our son who has RAD and our family's exile to "Holland" sparked much response. From private emails to facebook messages, many of you expressed that you, yourselves, are fellow residents of "Holland". I want to thank you, as I so often do, for just reminding me that our family is in good company, the best, really.

One particularly poignant response is reprinted below (with permission by the author, Jeff McSwain). Jeff's wife and I were recently able to spend some very "real" time together discussing our shared struggles and the grace that God has shown us in these struggles. I hope you will find her husband's Christ-focused response to "these current trials" as uplifting and concise as I do.

Touring Holland - by Jeff McSwain, father of a large family. Some adopted. Some not.

God is my travel agent, my tour guide, and my true husband. Holland is
not where I wanted to travel, and not where I expected to be, but it
is the spot God booked for me. If I focus on where everyone else seems
to be able to go and enjoy, and ignore my Tour Guide, then my life
will be a walking death, full of a growing darkness, bitterness, and
depression. I know because I have done this, at times.

One thing that helps me is to remember what I deserve. The fact is, we
all deserve an all-expense paid trip to Hell. Holland is heaven, in
comparison!

Through suffering, I have learned how to be thankful that I am in
Holland. I have developed a desperate dependence on my Tour Guide, Who
comforts me in ways that my closest family and friends, even my own
spouse, cannot. I know my God in ways that those who seemingly get to
spend their lives in Italy may never know.

If I had been sent to Italy, where I was continuously thrilled by my
surroundings, enthralled with exotic sights and smells and tastes, and
inspired by culture filled with the music of Rossini, the paintings of
da Vinci, and the statues of Michelangelo, it might be completely
beyond me to remember the name of my Tour Guide even a few weeks
later. “Yeah, He was there, but He really was just part of the
background for me.”

But in Holland, my tour guide carries the trip, and He leads me
through the sweaty underbelly of the city sometimes, and the sights
fill me with fear and pain. He booked my trip with others who think
and act appallingly, who offend my senses and betray and wound me. My
Tour Guide, though, is kind, gentle, patient, loving, joyful,
peaceful, and truly good.

When I look back on my time in Holland, I confess that it thrills me.
The dykes under the starry, wide-open night sky where I took walks
with Him. The backstreet where I held His hand while a hoodlum opened
fire on us just for the fun of it. The hospital where He stayed by my
side while I recovered from my gunshot wound. The good advice He gave
me about how to love the others on the trip when really I was just
secretly hoping that they'd go on a bathroom break and get left behind.

Holland was the best place for me. The purpose of my trip to Holland
was not for me to enjoy and remember the good things about Holland.
The purpose of my trip was for me to fall in love with my Tour Guide.
Holland made it easy for me to love my Tour Guide. "Yeah, Holland was
there, but it really was just the background for me."

Now, it hardly matters where I am, because I know and love the Great I AM.

Missing It

2011-12-24T05:06:00.000-08:00

This morning, I sit and type, thinking about the great day ahead for our Christmas Eve. We have a communion service at church. We come home, have a devotion and open gifts with our children. Historically, we travel to my parent's home on Christmas day so that is why we began the "presents on Christmas Eve" tradition. Practically speaking, it eliminates being woken up at 5am by eager children!
But if I hear one more comment about Christmas being "all about family" or "just about being together", I may just have to pierce my own eardrums with a knitting needle.

We are going to be with our families. It is pleasant to be with them (theoretically, anyway - ha ha) but Christmas is not about that cozy, fuzzy feeling obtained when familiar people get together, eat, and trade presents.

Christmas is about the God who created the universe willingly putting on a body of flesh, submitting to be born and agreeing that the painful death awaiting him at the end of his short 33 years was worth the outcome. Christmas signifies the first step in the redemption of a fallen world. Christmas is God, extending His hand to us, mending a broken relationship, curing our spiritual disease and claiming us as His own. Christmas is the falling of the first domino in mankind's victory over sin. Christmas changed the world FOREVER.
We no longer have to sacrifice animals to have our sins forgiven.
We no longer have to communicate with God through a priest.
We no longer have to live under the law, that only condemns but can not save.
We can have PEACE WITH GOD.
We can have complete forgiveness of sins.
We can have assurance of our eternity spent with Him, enjoying His presence forever!

These things were not free. They are free to us but they cost the Holy, Perfect Creator His very life's blood.

Your forgiveness, my forgiveness. It cost a life. A perfect life. God came to pay a debt He did not owe, and it was no small bill.

Let's not trivialize these next few days by focusing on the holly-jolly-tinsel-wrapped-mistletoe-pie-in-the-oven kind of sentiments.

ENJOY CHRISTMAS!
But let each element serve to remind you of the high price paid for you and for me.
BE JOYFUL!
But let that joy come from knowing that God loves you enough to come walk this Earth and ultimately die to cover your sins. And mine.
EMBRACE YOUR FAMILY!
But do not miss the fact that Jesus loves them even more than you do and wants to have a personal relationship with each member!

Please don't miss it! Please don't have a counterfeit Christmas!

Emmanuel, GOD is WITH US!!!!

My Christmas List

2011-12-23T06:14:00.000-08:00

"What do you want for Christmas?".
My husband has asked me this question several times in the last 30 days.
I can't think of anything I need or want. Well, that's not true.
There are many things I "want" but none of them can be wrapped in a package and placed under a tree.
These are the things, if money was no object, that I would want this Christmas:
1. To host an orphan from The Philippines this summer
2. To go on to adopt that child - (I can not fathom hosting and NOT adopting0
3. To sell everything we own that will not fit in a suitcase and move to The
Philippines to do full-time ministry
4. To bring Lemuel's older brother to live with us. In our family. And teach him
to read.
5. To have my fear of flying, sickness and harm coming to my children ERASED.
6. For God to accomplish every item on the list above and bring fame to HIS great
name through my little, ordinary family.

My heart hurts every day. I keep thinking that we were created for MORE than the life we are living. That brings me to the next item on my ever-growing Christmas list.

7. To know the will of God for our family and walk in it. To be satisfied with what
He has called us to do whether it is a "list item" or not.

But if all those things are not to come to pass in the next two days, an anthology of Edgar Allan Poe stories and a box of good chocolates would be nice ...

Maybe by next Christmas?

Happy Birthday, Ezekiel

2011-12-17T19:30:00.000-08:00

Psalm 139
13For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Happy 4th Birthday to a WONDERFUL WORK of God! You are everything that God intended. No more and no less. You are right where HE placed you. Nowhere else.
Your life is a reminder of how much God loves us. He gave us YOU . . . and we are humbled by so great a treasure placed in our undeserving hands.
May God grant extra peace and comfort to your birthmom tonight. I'm sure she knows what day it is. May he reassure her heart that you are no longer an orphan but somebody's crown jewel. Cherished. Wanted. Protected. Highly valued.
We can't wait to see who you become. How much you will achieve. How many lives you will touch with your sweet, shy, funny ways.
You are spectacular.
Happy birthday, Ezekiel.
Our amazing wonder baby!

Apples to Oranges

2011-12-15T21:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not just a blogger, I'm a blog reader. I like having a voyeuristic little peek into the lives of other families. I like feeling like I'm eavesdropping on the victories and struggles that families like mine sometimes face. But I'm often chagrined as I read.
I get the sneaking suspicion that SOME blogging Mamas are painting too pretty a picture of their lives ON OCCASION. Maybe I'm being snarky here. But I just MIGHT have a point . . .

Early on in my life as a homeschooling parent, I would often read the posts from wiser, more "mature" mothers on our online support group and leave the computer in tears. THEIR children were studying Latin at four years old. THEIR children were willingly giving all their birthday gifts to starving children in Africa. THEIR children were cooking full meals for their families at six years old while Mama milked the goats, milled her own wheat, tilled her organic garden and sewed yet another beautiful garment - ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

I wondered WHY it seemed everyone else had brilliant, altruistic, near-perfect children when mine were just . . . regular kids. It was not until I was invited to the home of one of the most active "posters" on the loop that my fears were assuaged. Pardon the graphic nature of this little stroll down memory lane but, within five minutes of entering her home, two of her children had a SCREAMING fight and one ate a bugger while making eye contact with me. It hit me like a ton of bricks - I compared the "public image" she shared of her family with the intimate, deep, inner workings of my own family. It was apples to oranges! My pride was wounded by her paintbrush ... until the visit.

Those of us who are stay-at-home moms, and especially if we homeschool, have an awful lot of self-worth tied up in our prodigy. Singing their virtues to the world is another way of validating all the blood, sweat and tears invested in these tiny, flawed beings. When they shine, we shine.
It is important, though, to remember that those of us who read blogs are often looking for something: encouragement. We want to be reassured that, despite the failings and missteps our children sometimes take, they are normal and forgiveness is at hand. We want to know that although we are not perfect parents, our Heavenly father is and that HE is working, through the trials and joys, to craft our children into the image of HIS son.
Moms need to know that ALL moms . . . even "good" moms, make mistakes or get tired sometimes. We eat cereal for dinner, let the laundry pile up until we have to "go commando", and we take the day off school when we probably should have opened the books. We slip up and say a bad word every now and then and miss a quiet time in trade for half an hour on Facebook. We don't take pride in our shortcomings but we recognize they are there. We ask for forgiveness when it's called for and strive to do better the next day.
That's what grace is for.
That's why blogs and books by "perfect moms" lose their appeal so quickly. The discouragement of an unattainable standard weighs heavy on the heart. The desire to shrink our babies back to infancy and have a "do over" is not an option and we believe the "goat milking, organic food serving, husband nightly devotion leading" life is the only one that pleases God.
Hogwash!
The life that pleases God is laid out clearly in His word.
"A broken and a contrite heart the Lord your God will not despise". Psalm 51:17
and
"He opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble". James 4:6

There is no one perfect but Jesus Himself. Anyone who sets herself up as such is a fraud.
Yes, we moms have much to learn from each other. Many of us are weak in areas where others are strong. Many of us are practiced in disciplines where others are new.
Every word shared should be "seasoned with salt and full of GRACE" Col.4:6.

Read with caution, dear sisters. Stick with what challenges you and spurs you on to love and good deeds.

'Nuff said!

My Pride vs. My Prejudice

2011-12-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

I have found myself, OFTEN, bristling when a friend or acquaintance announces with glee her intention to adopt a child from an Eastern European country. I have pigeonholed this region of the world as the WORST possible place from which to adopt! Some of my prejudice (and yes, it is prejudice, plain and simple) revolves around my time spent in a large online adoption group. In that group, I followed the adoption processes of many families through EE. Some of those families had to pay bribes while in country. Some had to stay weeks -even months- longer in country than planned due to paperwork snags. A couple of families arrived in country only to find their intended child has living birth family refusing to consent to the adoption. I have read blogs of crushed parents, returning home empty-handed and thousands of dollars poorer. There are no guarantees in any adoption process but in EE, it seems you are almost guaranteed a bumpy ride!
I have asked myself WHY a parent would risk the money, time and heartache adopting from such a tenuous place.
And then I log on to Reece's Rainbow (www.reecesrainbow.org).
And I see the section called "In Loving Memory".
And I look at face after face with almond-shaped eyes, Down Syndrome features like those of my own son.
And I realize they are dead orphans. Never claimed.
They, most likely, died in miserable internats, on plastic mattresses in puddles of their own urine.
Many starved.
Many could have been saved with a simple operation or penicillin.
They would have loved a chance to sleep in a Thomas the Tank Engine or Dora the Explorer comforter, tucked in with hugs and kisses and "I love yous" from parents who can honestly say "the pleasure is all mine". They would have loved that.
Any child would.
I hear stories of teenagers turned out onto the streets at sixteen years old with just a backpack and a "good luck" as they go, with no education and no job skills, to make lives for themselves. I read that the suicide rate is astronomical among these teens and that boys and girls alike, turn to prostitution for survival. I think of my own teens, able to definitively state that they are saving their purity for marriage. It never crosses their mind that they may have to trade it for food or a warm jacket.
And I soften. Not toward a corrupt system or greedy adults. Not toward a culture that views orphans as less-than. But I soften toward these parents, who know they will be walking a tightrope over an open volcano and decide to brave the trip anyway. They go. Hoping it will not be THEY who fall prey to greed or bait-and-switch tactics. But knowing they might. They go. Leaving behind biological children, jobs, commitments and a cushy life of hot running water and Starbucks on every corner.
So, to those friends and readers who are preparing a walk toward your child in Eastern Europe. You have my respect. My prayers. You are far braver than I. Your calling scares me to no end and I feel grateful that God has not (as of yet) called my family to that region. I am frightened of everything related to that part of the word - the mentality, the post-communism harshness,the lack of English speakers (ha ha). . . you name it!
And yet I know that our God is everywhere, all the time. I have no doubt HE has placed HIS angels in the most unlikely places there to reach out to and touch those HE desires. I have heard there is vibrant, active MINISTRY there. People are coming to Christ there. Hearts are being turned toward HIM and, through that, toward the neediest in the country.
So I have purposed in my heart for the next eight days to pray for eight of the countries of Eastern Europe. Some of those are non Hague countries involved in adoptions to the United States. I am weary about even this. Because God has called me out of my comfort zone so many times after this sort of conviction. If he calls us there, I know HE will be the safety net.
The countries I am praying for, starting today (Sunday, Dec. 11) are:
1. Ukraine
2. Russia
3. Latvia
4. Bulgaria
5. Kazakhstan
6. Belarus
7. Moldova
8. Serbia

Lord, forgive my prejudice heart.

Children Aging Out of Their EE Orphanage - Off to Start Their "Lives"

Why Bigger is Better

2011-12-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

Recently, it was brought to my attention that my family is considered a "large family". According to yahoo answers and wikipedia, "a family with more than four children constitutes a 'large family' in this century". A family with more than seven children can be considered a "mega family" and a family with more than twelve children . . . well, it was hard to find NICE adjectives online to describe a family with more than twelve children. When you do an internet search of families with more than twelve children, many of those "zero population growth" folks have snatched up domain names and jumped onto soap boxes that leave no room for celebrating a family of any size. For them, even one child is one child too many! Bah! Humbug!
This little research project got me thinking of all the reasons a big family is such a wonderful place to be! I don't mean to slight or show disrespect to families of few children. It's my intention share my heart in praise of large families and mention some of the things I have observed in my own family that have changed for the better as we've added members.

Large Families are Great Because:
1. There is always someone to snuggle/play/hang out with
2. There is generally at least ONE person who is on your side in an argument, no matter how wrong you are
3. Mom and Dad never have to worry about gaining too much weight because there is often a pair of eyes (or two) looking at them pleadingly while they try to enjoy that last piece of pie. Those same eyes are near to a pair of ears that can detect the pantry door or cellophane opening from a mile away!
4. Sharing is second nature
5. Nobody's a picky eater
6. You have many opportunities to serve others right in your own home
7. We can carry the groceries in in just ONE trip!
8. Pet care, chores, and yard work are shared among many sets of hands.
9. Our sitters love our children as much as we do - they are their siblings!
10. My definition of "loud" has changed dramatically and I can now concentrate almost anywhere
11. The bathroom is the only place anyone is ever alone so when someone is missing as we head out of the house, we always know where to look
12. You learn that "me time" is highly over rated
13. Finally . . .a big family is a place where you can be yourself, find a friend, get honest feedback, share ideas, be a counselor and a counselee, share inside jokes, and teach someone something new . . . ALL IN ONE DAY!

Anthony,Aaron, Elliana, Francis, Lemuel, Kyle and Ezekiel - you make life in a big family just one big adventure! I'm so thankful that we get to learn all this stuff together!

Baby For Sale

2011-12-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

I recently had the incredible misfortune of reading an article online (sent to me by an appalled friend) that was penned by an adult adoptee. This adult adoptee is a bitter young woman who is angry about being "snatched from her culture, language and homeland" by her wealthy, white adoptive parents. She goes on to lament a lifetime of LOOKING Asian and not BEING Asian. She felt she never fit in anywhere. She was a perfect, chubby, beautiful baby the day her parents boarded the plane to Korea. She was not, however, an orphan. After much research and several trips back to her native country (and years learning the language), the author of this article discovered living parents, aunts, uncles, full-blooded siblings and an entire village built around her lineage. This is one of the saddest adoption stories I have ever read. It's sad on several levels. First, the author never felt fully embraced by her adoptive family, she was always left with an empty ache of needing to find where she truly belongs. Second, she turned out to be right. She was not a true orphan. She was the spawn of a young, unmarried girl who later went on to marry the baby's father and build a life with him. But who knew?
Adoption is laden with miry ethical issues that are often swept aside by parents longing for the warmth and responsibility of a baby. Adoptive parents sometimes don't know the full story. Under the Hague Convention, a "true orphan" is a child who is either:
1. one of parents who are deceased
2. a child who has been legally, voluntarily surrendered by biological parents
3. a child who has been declared neglected and abandoned by the court system

The young woman in the story was none of these. She was taken to a clinic by a distant relative and left there. Her anguished mother searched for her for months.
The relative felt he was doing the mother a favor and, in time, she would see the gift she was given in being unfettered.

Why am I, a four-time international adoptive parent, even discussing such a sensitive topic? Why would I want to put something into print that might make a family second guess the decision to adopt? Because it is VITAL to the future health of your family and your adopted child to be careful when adopting. A child who's parents are deceased should have solid evidence in his paperwork of such. A child who has been legally surrendered should have surrender paperwork (ours even includes the thumbprint from the surrendering parent. I look at these prints often and, for some reason, they are extra precious). A child declared abandoned by the courts will have a long paper trail of attempts to locate birth family, court appearances, and that child will likely be OLDER because it takes time to properly execute a search for a parent who, may not even know their child is on the fast-track out of the country.
Your best chance of being certain that you are adopting a true orphan is to adopt from a "Hague Convention Country". These countries have agreed to abide by rules that decrease the likelihood of child trafficking. They are agreed that beautiful babies "found in a park" might just have more to their stories.
The draw back? Many children from Hague Convention Countries are older children. They have had to wait for documents and signatures to complete their files. Those surrendered directly at birth by parents are not as plentiful and families who feel they need a small, healthy infant must wait a long time in a Hague Country, for a match.
Yes, The Philippines is a Hague County. They are transparent in all their paperwork, fees and timelines, in my experience. The children offered there for adoption are "true orphans". In fact, our agency just received a new batch of files of waiting children. No. There are no tiny babies there (several toddlers, though) but there ARE gorgeous sibling groups. There are children who have waited a long time to be claimed as sons and daughters. There are kids there who my family MET IN PERSON and fell in love with on the last trip to The Philippines. Uh oh . . . (ha ha) yes, there's one little five year old boy on that list who is a heart-stealer. He has some special needs but those only serve to make him CUTER, in my humble opinion.
Are you considering adding to your family through adoption? Please consider a true orphan. PLEASE consider a Hague Convention Country. Adoption is a slow and painful test of patience no matter which route you take but a true orphan from a Hague Country may help your family, in the long run, to avoid some of the doubts and heartache that come with a child who knows, deep in her heart, that she had another life where she was someone's treasure. Kids know. Even young children. Somehow, they know. I believe God placed a sense in us, of where we belong. Is there a true orphan out there who belongs with you?

The Jar

2011-11-30T20:54:00.000-08:00

I have, by far, the most wonderful blog readers in the WORLD! My previous post regarding Lemuel's list brought so many sweet, affirming, been-there-done-that, comments and private emails that, once again, I am on the receiving end of multiplied blessings. I save those emails like candy in my pocket and read them at the lowest times in our battle with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
RAD is an ugly beast that makes children hard to love and makes parents throw their hands up, no matter how much reading, training, success or "good OTHER kids" they may have. RAD lays low even the most confident parent. Trust me. I have lived on both sides of the tracks. I was smug when my children were 10, 8 and 4. There was no RADish. Our word was law. Our kids were obedient and drew compliments on their behavior, manners and appearances everywhere we went. I remember an older lady approaching me at Taco Bell one afternoon to tell me that she has never seen such polite children in public and that our son's pre-meal prayer brought a tear to her eye. I was thrilled that she was hard-of-hearing and made these statements ten decibels louder than necessary.
RAD is the vehicle God has chosen to use to show us that HIS grace is sufficient. Through RAD, we realize that we are but dust (one "t" in "but" . . .ha ha) and HE is all that matters. RAD has shown us that missing ONE quiet time matters and that hugs and kisses are never to be taken for granted.
God is sovereign and His will can NOT be thwarted. He has handed us both bitter and sweet pills to swallow in this life and all that He allots is, in essence, good, useful and a means to the ultimate end - making HIS name great.
As I hug Lemuel goodnight tonight, things are so sweet. We are having a "good week" and his love feels like a fragile butterfly. I want to catch it and keep it in a jar on my dresser so it can't fly away. But just like a butterfly, I know it will die if I try to trap it. I have to appreciate it while it's near me but not make any sudden moves. I tell him "I love you" at least twice a day. Sometimes he answers in kind and other times . . . silence. The jar sits open.
I'm the ADULT. I'm the MOTHER. I'm the one who had a great childhood in a Christian family and always knew that, to at least two other people, I was a superstar. I must take the risks in this relationship with a child who has none of those benefits.
So I sign off tonight, bolstered by the hearts of my readers, who have shared with me that they, too, often walk down foggy paths, chasing their butterflies.
Thank you, yet again, for filling my pockets with "candy" for those rainy days when the jar is open and the butterfly is nowhere to be seen.

An Unexpected Gift

2011-11-29T04:44:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, my best friend posted a hilarious, heart warming story on her blog about her oldest daughter (www.fromgodstummy.blogspot.com) called "The List". In this true story, she recounts a situation in which her daughter composed a list of conversation starters in preparation for a "date" with her mom and dad. The list included subjects such as "The Economy" and "Dad's Work" - things your average child ponders daily (ha ha).
The post I'm preparing to write sounds eerily similar to my friend's post but I promise you (with my pinky in the air - since typing while raising my right hand is impossible) that I, too, stumbled on a list just yesterday. I was putting a pair of Lemuel's socks in his drawer when a piece of lined notebook paper caught my eye. I pulled it out and sat on the edge of his bed to read. I will type it below just as he wrote it, misspellings and all, and there is no need to elaborate on it.
He said it all.

BIG GOAL (underlined 6 times)
Things I Must Know!
1. Think before you speek
2. Tell the truth
3. Think of others
4. Do not make up things
5. Say things that are right
6. Be careful what you say
7. Obey your perant
8.ITS Not About Me All The Time!
9. Obey all the rules around the house
10. Wait and think about the things I did and tell them the truth
John 14:21 (Obey) Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me.
Psalm 39:1 and 2
I said I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin: as long as the wicked are in my presence. But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased.
Proverbs 10:18
He who conceals his hatred has lying lips and whoever spreads slander is a fool.

He knows how to use his Bible's concordance. That's where the scripture came from.
Upon reading this list, at least some of my ire faded. I still have my guard up. We have been on this roller coaster for years and I believe there are more drops ahead. But there's a slice of hope. A tiny ray of light snaggled in when I read this note. There IS, in fact, a sprout of conscience there. He DOES care about doing right. I feel "safer" when he's on my "naughty list", just like he does. Feeling warm and loving toward him is risky. Your hand gets slapped back inevitably but he's just a CHILD. There's still hope . . .

Never Sure

2011-11-26T08:22:00.000-08:00

I have been actively blogging for about two years now. The original intent of my blog was to allow friends, family and any interested folks to follow the adoption journey of our precious Ezekiel. The blog is aptly named.
At times of great joy or distress, I have branched out and blogged about other subjects. I also follow my stats and have found the blog entries that receive exponentially more hits than any others are those centering around our 13 year old son who has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. The posts receiving literally thousands of views were the following:
Adoption Disruption, The Down and Dirty
Lemuel's Story, Part 2
Bonding: The Flap and the Facts

I believe there is an unmet need in the adoption community for parents of difficult children to speak out in truth. Many hide in shame. Many blame themselves for not being able to "bond properly". Many are worried about the "I Told You So's" that will come their way. I have worried about those things, too. They are real.

What I am most worried about right now is that I have made myself out to be a liar. I have said countless times in the posts referenced above that Lem is "ours forever" and that he's "home for good" and yet, today, I don't know if I can keep to that. No, he has not been violent or sexually acted out with anyone but the constant lying is wearing me down in a way that I have never experienced. The lies are small and silly in terms of subject matter but they are intentional, ugly and calculated at the same time.

I'm never sure HOW much to share on this blog. I think it's unfair to speak cryptically and in generalities when I know there are families hungry for kinship in this difficult struggle. So I will use plain speak. Lem has lied several times in the last couple of days, and ALWAYS in the evening after a good day of family time together. He is sabotaging himself yet again.

A few nights ago, we all went to a basketball game. Lem was unusually loving to all of us and his efforts were met with great success. After the game, we went to a sandwich shop connected to a gas station (very classy joint - ha ha) and my sons went to the gas station area to buy some candy. Upon return to the table, a younger sibling says "Kuya Lem was breaking candy bars and putting them back on the shelf". Lem quickly pipes up "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT". The younger sibling replies "you went like this" and does a snapping motion with his hand "and you said 'ha ha ha' and you did it lots of times to lots of candy". Lem wilted. "Well, the FIRST candy bar was an accident". We leave immediately. I talk to him on the way home about trustworthiness, about being the same person whether you're being watched by mom and dad or not, etc. etc. etc. I feel like Charlie Brown's teacher . . wah wah wha wha . .. because I have said these things before. We have punished, spanked, grounded, prayed, talked, copied scripture, talked and talked and talked . . . my heart hurts. I want him to evaporate so the rest of us can be happy. Ouch.
The next morning, hubby takes Lem back to the gas station to pick out the amount of candy he believes he ruined and make him pay for it. There was NINE DOLLARS worth of chocolate in his basket. NINE DOLLARS worth of "accidents" . . .yeah, right. Lem paid for the candy and then had to tell the cashier what he had done and leave the bag of candy there for the cashier to give to whomever she thinks might want it. They came home and he sulked but he was in his familiar "cozy" place, the dog house. He was far, in heart and spirit, from the chattering, bustling, fun loving family. He chose to be alone in his room and flog himself for the rest of the day. Fine with me. Perfect, in fact.
Yesterday's lie revolved around him hurting Ezekiel "accidentally" and then, having no idea why the baby was crying. Luckily, he's part of this big family and privacy is as scarce as hen's teeth. The whole incident was witnessed by one of my perfectly trustworthy children who came forth with the truth. Lem did not deny it when confronted but simply said "oh, I didn't feel it". I think a trip to the neurologist is in order to have those synapses checked. He is losing feeling in his extremities, apparently. This,too, happened at the end of a GREAT family day. We cleaned out the shed as a family. We put up the old tent in the backyard and the kids played in it for hours. We even let him watch Ezekiel for about ten minutes when I went in to cook lunch. He was given a bit of trust (yes, I cooked right near the kitchen window but, in THEORY, he was being trusted). He just had to end this yucky closeness and get back to the cozy isolation so he made sure, at 9pm, to end the night with a "bang". I sent him to bed with a very succinct warning about Ezekiel. I confirmed that if he really wants to ruin the rest of his natural life, he will hurt that baby again. I told him using someone who can't talk or understand is shameful. He began to cry. A good sign. There's something rattling around in there. But is it enough? Is there even a baby sprout of conscience that makes all of this family focus worth it? I don't know. I used to think "YES" but now I think "hmmmm?". These seemingly small incidents happen many times each week. Behind closed doors, my husband and I have adjusted a lawyer joke to fit our family.
Me: How can we tell if Lem is lying?
Hubby: Because his lips are moving . . . (cue two drum beats and a cymbal)

I am a huge music lover and there is one song I have listened to dozens of times this week. It is "I Will Not Be Moved" by Natalie Grant. She sings of steadfast devotion to God that can not be shaken by circumstances. I want to have that same devotion. First to my Savior but also to this broken child. I just don't know if I can hang on much longer.
Maybe this whole post is just the result of a couple of hard back-to-back days and I will be back to my positive, hopeful self after church tomorrow. Church always helps. But this time is different. I feel "done". Please forgive me, readers, if the shine has fallen completely off and you feel like giving up, too. It is always my intention to encourage with my posts. I hope to be able to post in a few days that all is well but this time around, I'm just not sure . . .

The Time is NOW

2011-11-19T05:29:00.000-08:00

It's time to make the leap! It's time to move on what you feel the Lord is leading you to do, despite the fears and reservations you may be harboring.
It's time to APPLY for Share Your Summer 2012 if you suspect the Lord may be calling you to open your front door and receive a blessing in the form of a child from The Philippines!!!!!!!!!!!! (This hosting program is for families who are in NC, upper SC, lower VA or who are able to spend a month in the Charlotte area this summer).
I have talked, both online and in person, with many families who shared with me their desire to host this summer and to be open to pursuing adoption and the common concern in all these conversations is (say it with me . . . ) THE MONEY!

The financial side of hosting and adopting is real. It's there. It's a necessary part of transporting a human 8,000 miles via airplane with all the required documents and mandatory pre-screening. But it doesn't need to be the sole obstacle that keeps your family from experiencing the life-changing, Christ-honoring, radical step of obedience that adoption can be.

Those of you who have stuck by this blog for any length of time know that we have FOUR sons from The Philippines. FOUR SEPARATE ADOPTIONS - adoption totals over $20,000 apiece. Those of you who know us in real life know that we are a single-income family of modest means. We don't have a large home. We don't drive brand-new cars. We are just "average Joes". HOWEVER, the Lord provided for all four of our adoptions with absolutely NO DEBT! We did not have to use a home equity line, we did not have to take out a loan. We do not even own credit cards . . . please be encouraged that God ALWAYS pays for what He orders! Always! If you are led to adopt an older child, there are many grants available for that. Some organizations specialize in helping older children find their families before it's too late. If your intended child has special needs, more grants are out there.

Let me share a few great fund raising ideas that helped us grow this little, "normal" family into a big, "abnormal" family (ha ha):

1. Write a Christmas letter to people you would normally send a card to. Let them know of your family's desire to host/adopt and ask them to consider a donation in lieu of a gift this year. This is the perfect time of year as people are often pausing to consider how blessed they have been and sometimes those people start to look for a way to share their blessings with others.

2.Get Selling! From Craigslist to ebay, get rid of items you aren't using and let that money begin to fund your hosting/adoption efforts.

3. Turn to your church family. The body of Christ was MADE to be His hands and feet to the lost, hurting, fatherless and needy. Ask permission to host a "parents night out" where your family and some volunteers can watch children for three hours while moms and dads have a night out. Leave a donation jar at the door of the child care area for grateful families to contribute to your hosting/adoption fund.

4. Host a spaghetti dinner. Buy those divided foam boxes from a restaurant supply store and then let everyone in your life know that pre-ordered spaghetti dinners can be picked up (or delivered for a small fee) on a particular night. If your own kitchen can not accommodate cooking for many or if your home is out "in the boonies", see if you can use your church's facilities for cooking and pick ups. Include salad, a piece of Italian bread and dessert. How many of your lady friends would love to support a good cause AND skip cooking for the night? I'm always game for that!!!!

5. Hold a talent show at your church. Ask the kids, youth and talented adults to sign up to perform. After half the acts are complete, spend a few minutes sharing your heart with the audience and ask the audience to consider helping your family host/adopt through a financial gift (of course, you MUST tell the folks ahead of time that the talent show is also a fund raiser - NO SURPRISES when fund raising. Always be forthright about your purposes and intentions). Let admission be free. Sell concessions for a reasonable price and pass the offering plate mid-show. You don't even have to speak if you're not inclined to do so. Have a friend stand up for you.

I know some of you may feel tired just reading that short list. It seems a lot of work to fund raise. It causes you to put yourself "out there" and risk rejection. There WILL be people who don't understand your calling. There WILL be people who tell you that you should only be helping children in your own country and not looking abroad but there will also be people who see your heart, understand the need and jump in to toil alongside you.

A sweet, precious woman from our church heard about our plans to adopt Ezekiel and she called me and asked if she could start a fund raising group called "Friends of Ezekiel"!!!!! It blew my mind to know that God was moving OTHERS to go to these great lengths for our family. All the work was not "on me". It was shared among our own family and other believers. Friends of Ezekiel raised thousands of dollars for our adoption! THOUSANDS! I am still in awe when I think back on that time. I know that my friend Cindy, her daughter and the others who worked with Friends of Ezekiel did not do it because they wanted anything in return. They did it out of obedience to the Lord and He blessed it over and over.

Please consider contacting Christian Adoption Services (www.christianadopt.org) and getting started on that application if you have been leaning that way. God is faithful, even when you're fearful! Want to know a little secret? I've been scared EVERY SINGLE TIME (shhhh). . .

Days Like This

2011-11-10T20:40:00.000-08:00

Thursday is the one day each week that our family most closely resembles the "average American family". I have to pack lunches, wake up sleepy teens, prepare a lesson and get the kids to their classes while I teach mine. Our homeschool co-op meets on Thursdays. My children are blessed to have access to classes like Dave Ramsey's Finance for Teens, Chemistry, Bible, Literature and Composition, Insect Study and Grammar Games. I am grateful for the courses that enhance our homeschooling and for the expertise and willingness of my fellow homeschooling parents that is shared so generously with my children. After co-op is when the day got a little "testy" . . .
One of our sons had his final football practice, another son had a basketball practice. Dear Hubby had to go in to work late for an after-hours computer issue while daughter needed to be picked up from Chemistry. Oldest son has a REAL job at the mall and so I needed to get his schedule before including him in my web of transportation drama.
Oh. And I had PROMISED Francis a haircut before I realized what day it was. I was not going to break a promise to our newest family member just when the trust was flowing freely. No Way.
Human cloning was sounding pretty good by about 3:30 pm. I needed another "me" only with more energy and no personal opinions.
I arrived home after my final chauffeuring gig, feeling fairly smug that the drop off/pick up schedule had been accomplished with none of my posterity stranded or even texting the dreaded "wher RU? We R dun". I even got him the haircut. It's a faux hawk. He looks adorable-er.
It was then I noticed it. The five pound "chub" of hamburger in my drainboard! I took it out before lovingly constructing 5 sack lunches early in the morning. I had BIG PLANS for that log of bacteria-infested cow flesh! It was going to be a beautiful rice casserole with golden brown cheddar cheese on top. It was going to evoke "oohs" and "aahs" from the family and I was going to shake my head gently with closed eyes and say "oh, it was no big deal. Eat up".
That never happened.
My first and third oldest saw my eyes dart from the meat to their faces and back again.
"I'll make omelets" said my oldest son, who didn't have to work at the mall after all.
"I'll help" said Ms. Third-in-Command.
"Thank you" I said sheepishly. "I"ll put some rice on" (we can't have a meal without rice in this Filipino-run household).
I settled for a bowl of oatmeal while my children fed one another.
The thankfulness that washed over me was the kind that I don't often experience. It was sheer gratitude that only ONE DAY per week is this demanding. It was appreciation for the bail out my children offered me. It was my willingness to lay down the cape and accept help from those who I knew were not judging me. They were just helping because, hey, it's THEIR family, too.
Mama said there'd be days like this!

The Importance of "Four"

2011-11-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

November 7th marks four months that Francis has been a part of our family. Four months sounds like such a very short time when I think of how long it took to do the paperwork for his adoption. Four months sounds like a short time when I think of how long it takes to grow a baby "the old fashioned way" or how much time a couple has been married . . . JUST FOUR MONTHS?
But as I ponder all that has taken place in our home in the four short months that Francis has been ours, it feels like a lifetime has passed. From those earliest weeks where we didn't really know each other but worked through the mother/son role to the time it took me to figure out some of his quirks, until now, it seems a million years have passed. I know him so well in JUST FOUR MONTHS. I can list all his favorite foods, I know how much money he's hiding in his special hiding place in his room, I know the tactics he uses to try and wiggle out of school work and I know his past. From long, sometimes sad but often happy hours of listening, I know that, too. The privilege of getting to know this particular person is not lost on me for a moment. He is so special and capable and has limitless potential. He truly can be ANYTHING he wants in this life. God has gifted him in so many ways. Our family is richer for having him in it.
There's so much I wish I could say but I hope readers understand why I have to resist. Some people you share with the world and others, you just keep close and give little peeks. Just trust me when I say that God DOES give good gifts to His children. Amazing, precious, hilarious, perfect-for-us gifts . . .

Old Parent Syndrome

2011-11-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

I think we have it, my man and I. We're not exactly "old" - I'm in my very very VERY early 40s and hubby is in his much much LATER 40s but we have contracted the syndrome, nonetheless. We can often be found parenting our sweet little Ezekiel more like grandparents than parents. I had my first baby in my early 20s, my second baby in my mid 20s and adopted for the first time in my 30s. I was one organized, scheduled, chart-keeping, line-in-the-sand drawing Mama. My children were on a fairly rigid schedule of chores, homeschooling, extracurricular activities, one hour of TV a day (or less), healthy snacks and almost no computer access. Fast forward seven years and three additional kids later and you'll see us slightly off script and some loose ends getting looser as the days go by.
Here is quantifiable evidence that we have The Syndrome:
1. Ezekiel's bed time is often 10pm, or later
2. Our teens are allowed to watch shows like "Family Guy" and "The Office" that had formerly been completely off limits
3. Some nights when I make dinner, there are no vegetables (unless you count ketchup)
4. A productive day of homeschooling is marked by a little reading, a little math and the baking of cookies with my younger children.
5. I let my youngest two wear costumes in public anytime they want. Why not?
6. I rarely say "no" when they ask for treats at the check-out counter these days.
7. The kids are allowed to wrestle, jump from high places and ride on the dogs until I just can't stand the noise and have to yell "QUIIIIEEETTTT"
8. I am typing this post while Ezekiel jumps on the bed beside me and any feelings of annoyance at this fact evaporate when I look at his "Downsy Goodness" (a phrase we use often to refer to his shenanigans).
Maybe I'm confusing "Old Parent Syndrome" with "Big Family Syndrome" but whatever the ailment, I hope there's no cure! I am having the most fun with my family and feeling the least amount of control freak-ism that I have ever felt as a mother and wife! It's fun. It's freeing. It's contradictory to the early years but the results are equally gratifying. We are truly enjoying these children - me for the first time in my mothering career. I spent a LOT of time dissecting the hearts and motives of my two biological children and focusing on their LACK rather than finding ways to enjoy their gifts while still guiding them in righteous living when they were small. I did have fun with them. I always loved them with every ounce of my existence but as far as enjoying them, it was hard when I spent so much time feeling like any failure to address their sin would result in their eternal damnation. I have come to understand that parenting is discipling. It is a weighty task, not to be taken lightly but at the same time, it can be joyous, abundant, silly, fruitful and productive. I wish I had learned earlier to seek joy, welcome fun and buy more candy!!!!!!
Live and Learn.

I Just Can't Do It All!!!!!

2011-10-31T21:14:00.000-07:00

I am sorry. I am ashamed of myself. I am in over my head by at least a mile! While riding in the car with my family yesterday, it dawned on me that a friend reached out to me with a bitterly distressed email and I NEVER ANSWERED HER! I read her plea for prayers and knew how hard it must have been for her to pour her heart out to me and I NEVER REPLIED! I am horrified! I vividly remember thinking after reading her note that I needed to give it the proper time and attention and I would respond when I had a little more time to pray and think.
I am not a blackberry user and from within my Astro Van, I had no way of rectifying this situation. I worried the whole way home from our family trip to the fair.
After our family outing, I headed into the house to first apologize to and then reply to my hurting friend. It was then that I noticed the message light on the answering machine blinking. I hit the button and listened to three new and four old messages. Two of the old messages were from people who needed my attention promptly. If two days later qualifies as "promptly", I guessed I was still in the clear. But it doesn't.
I decided to do damage control regarding those messages later and to attend to my friend's email. When I pulled up my email account, I noticed seven new people are "following my boards on Pinterest". . . . I have only been on Pinterest once and I couldn't exactly get the hang of it. I felt guilty that I needed to either delete my Pinterest account or snazz it up and make it worth following.
My sweet 11 year old niece has tried to skype with me at least a dozen times in the last two weeks. She leaves me the cutest notes on my skype account, complete with little hearts and kisses. I love her. I want to talk to her but I can't seem to milk five minutes from my crazy life to do that.
I am writing this blog post for two reasons. First, to ask for forgiveness publicly from those I have unwittingly (or maybe "wittingly") ignored lately. Second, to tell those family members who have made comments about my needing to "stop biting off more than I can chew" that you are sort of right but a little wrong as well.
We're still in a state of transition and I am trying too soon to jump back into full swing.
As we settle into our "new normal" over here as a family that has gained two children in less than two years, I am still learning. I am learning that everything takes a little longer now than it used to. Everything is on a slightly bigger scale and, as much as I truly love having one on one time with my family members, it is harder to come by as we grow. Amidst trying to do right by my husband and children, serving the Lord in the adoption community and eeking out a tiny bit of time for reading or friends, I have let things slide - some in unforgivable ways. I want to do better but for me, doing better has to mean doing less. My walk with Christ has to come first. If I don't spend time with Him every day - sometimes a LOT of time, I am not the kind of person anyone would share her heart with, in an email or otherwise. Second place goes to my family. Spending time with and taking care of them gives me joy that I have found nowhere else. Having dinner together or playing games (like the big candy hunt we had tonight in lieu of trick or treating) is always restful for my spirit, even when it's noisy and chaotic in my home. Third is the ministry God has given me. The ministry that makes my heart go "thump thump" is anything related to adoption - from praying over files of waiting children to talking to families struggling with a tough placement. I am truly charged up and revived in that role! All the rest, when I can find time for it, is icing on the big, messy cake that my life has turned into.
I have come to realize that "catching up on things" may never happen. I may just have to "start over" with better priorities and pray that anyone I have offended by not being available will show me some grace. So, I erased the answering machine, deleted my Pinterest account, left my niece a message on HER skype wall and canceled a meeting I was supposed to facilitate.
I'm all done overestimating my importance. The world still turns without my direct involvement and that is such a freeing revelation. I can say it loud and proud . . . . . I JUST CAN'T DO IT ALL . . . and I was never meant to.

Bonding - The Flap and the Facts

2011-10-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

In the adoption world, much is made of the concept of "bonding". Children who are not bonding with their new families in the allotted length of time (usually 6 months) are suspected of having attachment disorder. Parents who do not feel a strong bond to their newly adopted children immediately often become terrified and wonder "what if we DON'T BOND?". Parents who struggle to feel bonded to their new child in the first month or two often assume their adoption is doomed to failure and begin considering disrupting the adoption for fear that a lack of bonding is the kiss of death. I am here to tell you that bonding is important but it is not the only glue that holds an adoptive family together.
Let me tell you straight: I am firmly bonded with three of our four adopted children. Two of them came to us in diapers and I have been up to my elbows in their . . .um . . . excrement and not batted an eye. I could not do that for a neighbor's child or even a niece or nephew. Only for one of my own. Just a couple of weeks ago, our newest son got a stomach virus. I knelt beside him and rubbed his back as cup o noodles poured from every orifice. Not only was I NOT grossed out, I felt only pity for his illness and barely noticed the splashage on my night shirt. Yup . . . he's mine.
Those of you who have been around this blog for awhile know the struggles we've had with our thirteen year old. He came to us at age eight and has put us through the ringer with lying, sneaking, disobeying and hurting other children. He came home from residential treatment last May after a 7-month placement. He is not attached to us and THAT IS OKAY. I am parenting a child who does not really love me. AND THAT IS OKAY, TOO. I am here to tell you that it can be done! Attaching in adoption is beautiful but it is not mandatory for a successful placement.
We recently visited a friend's church and a sweet young man from the youth group came and introduced himself to my teens. He invited them to come and sit with him. All of my teens refused except . . . you guessed it . . . my little RADish. He left us in the back of the church without even looking behind. He is no more outgoing than my other children. He is no more social. He just does not prefer our family to other people - in public or in private. When you read a narrative of a child who is waiting for a family and that narrative says "little Johnny has never met a stranger . . . " you can bet dollars to doughnuts that little Johnny has attachment issues. I used to believe that Reactive Attachment Disorder was a ruse. I thought that psychologists made it up in order to sell books and keep their client lists long. BOY, WAS I WRONG! I have no doubt that our son has a significant attachment disorder. He interacts with us as if he's reading from a script. He is not genuine but his words say the right things. When he hurts someone, he is contrite but his eyes are hard. He tries to give his toys away to kids he just met but then is stingy and greedy with family members or close friends of the family. He compliments strangers about their shoes, cars or physical appearances in an odd cadence and during our church's greeting time, he hugs visitors but stands stiffly if a family member extends their arms. Trust me, he is not suffering from mal treatment in our home. He does not recoil because we have hurt him in some way. He just does not like to be close with us - physically or emotionally.
Recently we were able to start a skype relationship with his older brother who still lives in The Philippines. I once asked Lemuel if he wanted to see if his big brother remembers their mom and dad. He could not, for the life of him, figure out why he should care about his birth family. He knows his birthmom is deceased but he said flatly "I don't want to know anything about that stuff" and went on to put his ear buds in and crank up his mp3 player. I could fill at least ten lengthy blog posts with evidence that our son is not securely bonded to us or to anyone.
He cares little about his past. He does not want to keep ties with former caregivers or orphanage mates. He is happy to see them if the opportunity arises but he never asks. He has a biological brother in the same state we live in and I have reminded him often that he can call or see his brother any time he wishes. He simply says "okay" but never pursues contact. Take my word for it. This child has all the textbook symptoms of RAD except that he does not set fires, does not treat his "mother figure" with contempt and does not have sexual deviance issues. He has been with us for more than FIVE YEARS and has never shown genuine sympathy, remorse or unsolicited affection. . . NEVER. I think you get the point. He isn't very bonded to us. He's happy to have a place to call "home". He likes my cooking and he lives for his birthday and Christmas when he gets lots of cool "stuff". He likes "stuff" an awful lot. He found a way to get a football team mate to get him some very nice Nike cleats and I still don't have the facts straight on that story. I'm sure he painted us as some sort of derelict parents who only shop at yard sales and could never buy new cleats - to be honest, I don't really care to chase that bunny down the trail anyway. He has besmirched our reputation countless times. We are growing immune to besmirchism.
Even as I type, he sits in the livingroom eating popcorn and watching "Mr. Bean" with two of his siblings. He is laughing his head off and having a blast. He HAS TO LIVE SOMEWHERE and I have been blessed with three precious adopted sons and two amazing biological children who truly love me. They all think the sun shines out of my . . . um . . . "eyes" and so, I can muddle through with one child who does not follow suit.
Is it difficult parenting an unattached child?
Absolutely! If he was my first child or if he was my only child, I would be devastated. If he was violent or sexually inappropriate with anyone under this roof, I would disrupt the adoption but he is neither. He is just a broken little boy who, for self preservation, decided early on that he could count on no one but himself. And that is how he lives his life.
How does his attachment problem play out in everyday life?
First, he needs to be supervised 100% of his waking hours. If he is not supervised, he plays waaaay too roughly with younger children. He steals on occasion. He is loud mouthed and obnoxious. He has a "me first" attitude to the Nth degree - and no amount of training, punishing or guilting has freed him from these habits. He is addicted to video games and will literally shed tears over lost games but he is remiss to cry over a flesh and blood person he has hurt. He eats to the point of feeling sick if he is not watched. He puts others down verbally. He tells lies about our family that paint us in a less-than-favorable light.
Would you do it all over again if you knew then what you know now?
No. I would not. Not with this child. It's like asking a person if he would choose to have an amputation without anesthesia. It hurts incredibly. It changes life in ways that nobody would choose but I know it's "right" that he's here. I know that God is sovereign and HE put that boy in our house for the duration of his childhood. He needs to be trained and guided and shown the love of Christ to have even a snowball's chance in hell of having some semblance of a normal adulthood. We've been charged with the task and we must rise to it.
/Why didn't you disrupt the adoption early on when things were so bad?
We didn't disrupt because God placed him in our home and we never felt free to change the arrangement. We had no peace about disrupting. We did not believe that a new family would somehow be able to show him how to attach. We believed, and still do believe, that sending him from our home would just start a chain reaction of multiple placements that would reinforce his innate sense of self preservation.
What if he reads this post?
He won't care. I let him read the post about adoption disruption that featured his life story. He could not have cared less. I wanted to get his permission to publish it because it was so very personal. I shared with him that it could help people to understand some things about adoption. He asked me if I would add something that tells how good he is at football and how he's not scared to fight even if the other guy is bigger than he is.
How do YOU feel about him, really?
Honestly, sometimes it really sucks parenting an unattached child. There's a lot of "give" on my part and a ton of "take" on his. I believe that when he is older he'll leave us for a better deal and may not even keep in touch. That's sad. It's hard to invest in someone when the pay off is miniscule. It's hard to keep tending to the daily needs of a child who casts aspersions behind your back. It's also very freeing. My goals are different with this child than with the five others. I hope to help him learn a little empathy for others so he does not hurt people who want to be close to him. I teach him to fear the law so he does not end up incarcerated. I stress to him the love that Jesus has for him and that it is NOT conditional upon him feeling "warm fuzzy feelings" toward God. We are on a very basic track with him. I know that our other five children will have more "normal" lives. I know there will be weddings and grandchildren (oh, I long for those grandchildren!!!!) and job decisions and that they will call home to my husband and I for advice on life-altering decisions. I know they will. I know Lem won't.
I realize it sounds like I have completely eschewed God's ability to heal. I used to pray for Lem's healing and his bonding a hundred times a day. Five years later, I believe it's time to take another approach. I remain open to and hopeful for God's miraculous hand but realistically, we need to plan for the "what if he never attaches to us". That seems to be the eventuality.
Forgive me if this post sounds dismal. It is meant to encourage! We have a joyous, full, happy family life. There are so many fun times, so much physical affection, so many games, sports and chores together that we treasure and enjoy. Every child, Lem included, is here for a reason. Every life is precious to God and He is refining and shaping us all. It's just that with Lem, his heart is off limits to the rest of us and we have to rely on Jesus to get in there and touch the places that we will not be allowed to go near.
If WE can do it, YOU can do it! So your adopted child doesn't open up to you, tell you with sincerity how much he loves you . . . sometimes knowing he would if he could has to be enough. It has to be.

But Who's Counting?

2011-10-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

I want to tell you a little bit about one of my best friends. Those of you who know me in "real life" probably know her, too. Her name is Thea and she and her husband have nine beautiful biological children with another on the way! Thea helped me lay down my fear of having a large family just by letting me get to know hers - the good, the bad and the messy (ha ha)- she reminds me often that God decides who comes to our table and HIS decisions are always right . . . I need to hear that from time to time.
Recently Thea and Steve read the book "Radical" by David Platt. She and I spent many hours talking about our own lives and ways that we might live more radically for Jesus. Thea has had a heart for adoption for a long time but her calling became even more clear through study of God's word and His mandate for us to truly abandon ourselves to Him . . .no matter how "far out" his path for our lives may look to the rest of the world. So, as crazy as it seems, God called this VERY large family to grow even larger through the miracle of adoption. After much prayer and soul searching, the family decided to request a match with two beautiful brothers from Ethiopia! They ARE beautiful, too. I've seen pictures and video that make me wish I had seen them first . . . but, no, they are destined to be Thea's and the Lord has made it plain.
The family is in the throes of raising money for their adoption. Their precious children have made some incredible stationary and survival bracelets (long pieces of rope that are braided into pretty bracelets but can be unwound and used to save you if you find yourself in a "Bear Grylls" situation sans the years of training).
You can check the bracelets out at www.fromgodstummy.blogspot.com
It's a truly novel idea. I'm getting a purple one!
Another way you can help this family is to come to our local Chic-fil-a restaurant at Cary Towne Center on October 25th from 5-8pm, order some dinner and tell the cashier that you are there to support the adoption fundraiser. Chic-fil-a will donate 20% of your meal purchase price to the family's adoption fund. We had this very same fund raiser for Francis' adoption and it was SO much fun and so very successful!!!!
Finally, the most tangible way you can help my friends is to pray for them. During the adoption process, families tend to face grueling spiritual attacks. There is money stress, extended family's dissension, doubt of hearing God's calling correctly . . oh, you name it! Adoption is hard and wonderful at the same time. Please pray that my friends have a lot more "wonderful" than "hard".

WAR . . . What is it good for?

2011-10-14T04:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a stretch of bad attitude right now . . .no, not from one of my teens . . my OWN bad attitude! I'm tired. I'm too busy and the joy I normally find in serving my family is at war with a "woe is me" mind set (and woe is kicking joy's butt)!

I know my attitude is wrong. I am trying to fix it. I have been praying and reading God's word regularly. I have been attempting to take those "everyone is dumping on me" thoughts captive but not always succeeding. The sad thing is, nothing around here has changed. My children are generally helpful without me having to ask. They get along well and we rarely deal with fighting (I attribute that to the Filipino style of leadership here where the younger children must listen to the olders - there's no "you're not the boss of me" crap happening around here because, yes, if he is older than you, he IS the boss of you. IF he's a mean boss, I'll take him down myself!). We're not under financial stress or a health crisis (praise God) but I'm just having to work double time NOT to get resentful quickly.

I don't believe I'm having any post-adoption blues. I had those after one of our earlier adoptions and I know how they feel - much worse than this. I think that somewhere along the line, I have allowed the Enemy to slide a paradigm shift into my brain and I'm not looking at things with the most Godly perspective. I also believe that some of my selfless serving of the family was done in my flesh and so it's just not sustainable. Burn out is inevitable when you're not walking in a Holy Spirit fueled manner. On a practical level, I'm just tired. Our public schooler needs to be woken up at 6:30am and I usually stay up waaaaay too late at night trying to get a little quiet time to read or just see what's new on craigslist. It sounds like I need a vacation ALONE but I believe that would be the worst thing I could do. I have found the concept of "me time" to be a big lie! Whenever I do get a little "me time" (out to dinner with a friend or Anthony takes all the kids to a movie and leaves me home alone) I don't tend to feel refreshed afterward. I tend to feel more greedy for just a little more of that time . . .I think "me time" feeds the beast but maybe that's just me. I find the remedy for eyes-on-self syndrome to be serving others just a little bit more.
Now that I've dumped all my dirty laundry on the doorstep of this blog, I think it's time to sign off, spend some more time in prayer and see if I can recognize the cure for my slump when God offers it! I know it's just around the corner. He's always been so good to convict and cure me in the same time frame. I'm definitely convicted . . . looking forward to "cured"!

Romans 7
21So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22For I delight in the law of God,in my inner being, 23but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

WARNING . . .GRAPHIC VIDEO . . .Life Altering Content

2011-10-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching this 33 minute video (which is very graphic) and my heart is broken. I have been a pro-life voter and an advocate for LIFE for many years but sometimes it's easy to sanitize the discussion to the point where even I forget the tragedy of abortion. I am the mother of a child who is in the category MOST ABORTED in the United States (Down Syndrome diagnoses carry a 90% abortion rate when prenatally discovered). I am the mother to TWO adopted children who were born despite their birth mother's attempts to end their lives chemically. I am not surprised after watching this video. The thought processes of some of my fellow Americans in this astounds me! Even though many of these Americans being interviewed are young, still forming opinions and not as intellectually developed as they might be in the future, their knee jerk reactions to some of the questions they are asked saddens me deeply.
If you happen to be in the market for a thought-provoking twist on a discussion that often ends in frustration for both sides of the matter, grab a seat and take a look. If you have been duped into believing this issue is "settled" and that only "old school Christians" still fight this fight, think again!
For those of you who take the time to press "pause" on your busy lives and ponder this video, I would love to hear from you, even privately. Those who just can't spare the time or would rather not ruminate on this controversial issue - I am saddest for you. When your heart becomes hard to the most innocent members of society, there is little hope.

Anger - Lies and the Truth

2011-09-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

Ephesians 4:26
English Standard Version (ESV)
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.

I am a person who has struggled with anger. I remember being angry a LOT as a child. I was generally angry about things that I felt were "not fair" to me. It was a selfish, childlike brand of anger that can not be reasoned with. As I grew into a teenager, I continued to battle feelings of anger that seemed out of proportion to whatever the precipitator happened to be. I was the kind of girl who walked in two worlds. I tried to share my faith and make Jesus Christ a priority in my life but at the same time, I was the girl who would easily get into a fist fight with another girl if I heard she was "talking about me". As I entered college and began to develop some spiritual and personal maturity - not much, mind you, but some- I recognized my anger as something that was a monumental stumbling block, both in peer relationships and my relationship with Christ. I tried in futility to improve but ended up being angry on the inside with a smiling exterior. I was becoming a Pharisee.
As a young mother with two small children, I would feel hot rages come over me in response to seemingly insignificant events. I never physically hurt my children but I sometimes spoke harshly, answered sarcastically or went into my room to scream into my pillow when they needed help or guidance. I blew up at my husband unfairly on a regular basis. He was gone all day and I spent too much time lamenting the hard work of mothering, the isolation of staying at home and the frustration of not having all the pocket money I wanted. I should have been counting my blessings instead.
I had swallowed the world's advice on men and motherhood and I was angry! I was trying to bow down at Oprah Winfrey's altar of "self love" but coming up unable to muster even "self LIKE". I was untrained in a Biblical world view but was drinking the koolaid offered in self help books and by talk show hosts without so much as a scrutinizing glance. I believed that if I did not stand up for myself, I would simply disappear. I would be no more than a maid, caretaker, cook and call girl. I had needs, too, right???? What about ME? I believed my husband's lunch hours at work were more like "boys' night out" and why should HE have restaurant food and friends to chat with when I was home making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and watching Barney?
But I was raised in a Christian home.
I knew many things about my own heart and attitude were contributing to my underlying, ever present anger. I think I had known it all along. I just didn't know WHAT to do about it. Wanting to change does not change a thing. It's a nice start but it's kind of like wanting to be physically fit but sitting on the couch all day.
The world told me that if I did not release my anger (through confronting the target of the anger) it would build up like a pressure cooker and I would just explode!!! The world told me it was actually DANGEROUS to keep my feelings inside so I HAD TO let them out. This is a foundational, fundamental lie that is in direct opposition to God's word. The Bible says
"A fool gives full vent to his anger,
but a wise man quietly holds it back". Proverbs 29:11
hmmmm . .. that stands in complete contradiction to what I believed but it settled in my spirit as pure truth.
God's word had some other amazing revelations for me as I began to pray about changing my heart. One scripture that I shared regularly with my children but seemed to forget applied to me as well is:
"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit but in HUMILITY,
consider others better than yourself." Philippians 2:3
So . . . when someone at the grocery store has that "me first" attitude and tries to push ahead, I should just let them? When I think my husband should walk in the door from a busy day at work, drop his lunch box and immediately take over "kid duty" I may be off base?
These are hard principles, friends. Easy to memorize and hard to live out. Holding back anger and letting others be FIRST or letting their needs take precedence over our needs-those are habits that have to be cultivated. First, through daily reminders, prayer, scripture cards and conscious effort and later, they become a part of your internal schema and you find yourself - a little more each day - living them out more effortlessly. Rome wasn't built in day.
I share this with you, not as someone who has arrived and conquered the "anger beast" but as someone who is striving to live in this paradigm shift and who has much regret over the selfishness and anger manifest in years gone by. If ONE young mother reads this post and finds freedom, it would make my joy abound. If any person can take the shortcut to deliverance that I found when taking the "scenic route", it would be marvelous. What a load of time I wasted ruminating on ME when I should have been marinating in God's word - seeking His plan for my life - using my youth and energy and gifts to make HIS name great among my friends and family.
It is my deepest prayer that I will use whatever time I have left and that YOU will use whatever time YOU have left to do those things that bring Him glory. When all is said and done, there is nothing else that lasts. It's just HIM.

Waiting Children - SO Many Hidden Jewels!

2011-09-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

I know that many of my readers have a heart for children. Some are considering another adoption or praying about the right time to begin their first. Let me start by saying that I am not a salesperson and generally do a terrible job of pitching anything to anyone. Now that I've cleared that up, let me do my level best to convince you that, if God is calling you to adopt, The Philippines is a MARVELOUS country to consider!
I DO NOT want to be challenged by anyone regarding the tired old "why not adopt from the US . . . so many kids in foster care . . . taking care of our OWN . . .etc. etc.
That is another argument for another post. I have had it too many times and it's wearying. If you are called to adopt strictly American foster children, this may not be the post for you. However, IF you are open to travel, have a heart for kids outside of this country and a belief that EVERY life is precious to God - no matter where that life came to be, you may want to read on.
I have photos and narratives of literally dozens of beautiful, deserving Filipino children waiting for families. These children range in age from 2 years old to 15. There are boys and girls. Some have special needs and some do not, aside from their ages. There are sibling sets and singletons. There are hearing impaired, visually impaired, cognitively delayed and mobility impaired children featured along with perfectly healthy boys and girls who are just a little too old to be "easy to place". I love reading the files our agency receives and praying for each child. I have found three of our treasures from within these files. If you are GENUINELY interested in Philippine adoption, please contact me and we'll talk!
The rules set forth by the Inter Country Adoption Board prohibit any photos or specific information on these precious kiddos being placed on the internet.
I will tell you there is a child on that list whom I find particularly marvelous. He is a 14 year old boy of mixed Filipino/Kuwaiti descent. He is handsome and smart. His narrative reminds me so much of the information we received on Francis while we were pursuing his adoption - no problems, no red flags, he can play guitar and leads worship but simply was not available for adoption until he was already considered "old". It was a legal issue that kept him from being available, not his fault. If you are considering taking a BIG LEAP OF FAITH, please consider this 14 year old young man. PLEASE!
Here are some of the positive aspects of adopting a waiting child from The Philippines:
1. When compared to other international programs, the Philippine program is inexpensive.
2. The write ups, medical information and background info offered on the children are reliable and true. The ages of the children tend to be accurate.
3. ONE TRIP is required by ONE PARENT and the stay in country is only 5-7 days.
4. English is widely spoken in The Philippines and accommodations are very tourist friendly.
5. The process is transparent. Unlike some countries open for international adoption, you will NOT BE asked for additional money after your fees are paid to your accredited US agency. You will know before the process even begins how much each step will cost. There are no unpleasant surprises!
6. The Philippines is a Hague country and works to comply with all Hague regulations.
7. Some of the criteria for adopting from The Philippines (weight and age of adoptive parents) CAN be waived on a case by case basis for special needs/waiting children.
There are other positives to this program but I fear this post is already getting too long.
If you are out there reading and feeling that little flip flop in your belly, maybe that is your cue to email me and learn a little more about the amazing, precious, beautiful, life-changing children who are just a plane ride away and waiting for parents to claim them!

Answered Prayer # 345,653,445,999

2011-09-24T07:24:00.000-07:00

If you've stuck by this blog for any length of time, you probably already know that my hubby and I have wrestled for YEARS with the notion of selling all of our worldly goods and moving to The Philippines with our family to dedicate our lives to hands-on ministry. There have been times in the last few months where I have a pain in my stomach from thinking about the fact that the Lord might call us to stay stateside and support the work of others.
My husband recently investigated the possibility of transferring with his present company to a post in Manila. We would be able to live there in comfort and still reach out. That door closed.
We looked into applying with our denomination. They do not endorse families with teens as missionaries. That door closed.
I decided to talk to our newest son about how he would feel IF God called us back to The Philippines to live. I expected him to be THRILLED at the notion because I know how much he misses his loved ones. To my absolute amazement, he said he did NOT want to go back except to visit!!! When I asked why, he couldn't articulate the reasons but the sentiment was clear. No, we do not let our children dictate the direction of the family but in this case, it was very important to us to know how Francis would feel about such a big change.
This is NOT a dream that I am willing to bury at this point but it appears that the answer God is giving us is . . . say it with me . . . "WAIT"!
It brings to mind the John Waller song that was featured in the movie Fireproof.
Part of the song says:
"While I'm waiting, I will serve YOU
while I'm waiting, I will worship.
While I'm waiting, I will not fail.
I'll be running the race, even while I wait."

Even while I wait, I pray I am not wasting my time with anything less than total sold out service to Jesus. Life is so short and the needs are so great . . . here comes that stomach ache again!~!!!!!!!

Victory!

2011-09-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

As much as I like to blog, and pray that God uses it to encourage others, I think I have an ulterior motive for blogging posts like the one yesterday. It is my hope that friends and strangers alike will pray us through these bumps in the road. That is precisely what happened yesterday! Although I expressed the hope that our son would repent in the morning, he did not.
It was a rainy morning and I drove him to the bus stop. As we sat in the car, he asked me one question "are you coming to my game?".
I said "of course" and he breathed a sigh of relief. I half expected him to make an attempt to fix the problem but he just sat there for another five minutes.
The bus came and he left.
AFTER the football game, in the van on the way home it was just me, Francis and Lem.
Lem began his apology with "I've been a jerk . . ."
I did not argue with him on that one. I told him I forgave him and loved him.
He began to cry and told me he does not deserve it. I didn't argue with him there either (ha ha).
I know Francis was probably super uncomfortable sitting in on this little exchange but I also think it was good for him to see how it works in our home. We mess up. We apologize (theoretically BEFORE nine days pass) and we forgive.
God led Lem to apologize at that time, in the present company for a reason. I don't know the reason but I had to roll with it.
Thank you for the prayers, encouraging comments, private notes and for caring enough about our family to take time from yours.
The pics below are Lem playing in his FIRST football game (pre-apology, mind you) and he played one heck of a game. He tackled three times and caught the ball twice to run for several yards. His team lost 7-33 but for him it was a victory. He played well, we were there to watch and he mustered up the courage to apologize on the way home. All in all, a great day!

Eight Days And Counting

2011-09-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

Eight days . . . that is how long it's been since our 13 year old told a lie, got into a little trouble and stopped speaking to us! I realize this post is going to sound flat out wacky to friends who have not adopted a wounded child AND to those who know how strict we are. Some of you may be scratching your heads and wondering how in the world we have allowed a child to shun us for eight days. Hang with me . . .
For the five years since our 4th oldest has come into the family, we have entered a cycle in which he lies (pathologically), we discipline (through grounding or other consequences that speak to the infraction), he cries hysterically for upwards of an hour and then gives us the "silent treatment" for days at a time. We have tried many methods to cope with this vicious cycle and have not found a way to break this pattern. We can not, as responsible parents, allow him to lie to us without addressing it. He can not, for some unknown reason, be confronted on a lie without spiraling into a crying jag. It is one of life's great mysteries - like Stonehenge or crop circles.
In days gone by, I made sure to put a swift end to his silent treatment by going to him and MAKING him talk it out. I would tell him how much we love him, pray with him, hug him, etc. Sometimes I would even go as far as to take responsibility for the silent time by telling him that I, as the adult, should come to him and make sure our relationship was good after any discipline is meted out. He always acquiesced and things would get back to "normal". This last EVENT hit me right in the heart and my husband and I both became as fed up as we have ever been with the "silent treatment". This young man is hurtling toward 14 years old and he has no idea how to "do" relationships. He is all take and no give. We decided this time around that we are not pursuing him. HE told the lie. HE chose to throw a two hour tantrum in his room and HE needs to "man up" and fix the mess he made with his silent treatment.
I told him so.
I marched into his room after waiting FOUR DAYS for him to start talking to/hanging out with the family again. I let him know that he created this chasm with his attitude and he needed to figure out how to fix it. He said "okay" and proceeded to continue on in silence.
He comes quickly when called to dinner, mind you. He is all too happy to accept rides home from football practice with us. He had no problem ordering off the menu at our recent family dinner out or washing his sweaty football clothes in our washer. He just doesn't want to talk to us.
His pride is killing the relationship between himself and the rest of us.
I have come close, on several occasions, to slipping back into the old habit of having a nice long talk with him and spoon feeding him his repentance. But I can't.
I feel so strongly in my spirit that this NEEDS to come from him. It's okay if it sounds like bumbling. It can be off the mark. It can be out of left field and not really address the problem but it needs to be HIS effort to mend HIS mistakes.
"Why now?"
He is becoming a man. He is handsome and athletic. Girls are stupid around him. Although our family does not condone dating in the teen years (we're a "courtship only" operation), he is under our roof less than the other children as our only public school student. He will have the opportunity to reject our teaching and "date" if he can keep it under wraps. His lying is going to deeply wound some unsuspecting young lady. She will not be so gracious as to chase him down and hand feed him an apology. He MUST learn to mend fences.
He craves friendships with other young men but as a person with no ability to admit his mistakes and genuinely ask for forgiveness, he risks extreme loneliness in the years ahead. He has to acquire the skill of humbly seeking restoration.
He hopes to join the military someday. The ability to accept correction WITHOUT the silent treatment following that correction is crucial. A commanding officer is not going to allow him to stare blankly because he's "mad". The discipline will be sure and swift in this environment and his "hurt feelings" aren't going to amount to a hill of beans in the REAL WORLD.
I can not bend on this one. I can not go to him and fix his mess.
It would be most unloving for me to, once again, show him how to "undo" what he's done.
I could have stopped this snowball of silence on day one by walking right up to him and telling him how ridiculous and disrespectful his behavior is. He would have WELCOMED that contact, as he has in the past, and been grateful for that springboard from which to re initiate communication.
He is waiting for it. I can tell. Even though I told him it was up to him to figure out how to fix this, he is holding out hope that I will miss him so much I'll come and sit on the edge of his bed and start the ball rolling... again.
I won't.
Ever again.
Starting now, I am free from keeping him from feeling the true effects of his actions.
This is a game of "chicken" and I am not flinching. I want to but I won't.
This is the ugly side of older/wounded child adoption. These things that happen in our home are things I would have NEVER allowed back in the day when I knew everything about parenting. . . back when a friend once told me that spanking didn't work with her son and I replied, full of an obnoxious amount of confidence, that she just wasn't doing it hard enough. Back when I had two perfect children, one boy and one girl, and I had "Ezzo-ed" them into little Pharisees, I would have criticized a mom like me for being such a wuss. I would have blamed her for letting a 13 year old have too much power and I would not have been her friend. She would have sickened me.
But that was then. I am much stupider now and those black and white parenting issues sometimes muddle into a gray pool of mush. Every behavior infraction isn't a "sin" and I'm not a meaner version of Jesus - doling out justice but never mercy.
I am feeling my way along the cave wall in the dark and praying that the voice I hear is who I think it to be and not an imposter, giving bum advice on how to deal with this difficult child.
I still, five years into this adoption, have NO idea why God did not give that young man to a more experienced family. Why he did not go someplace where he would be the center of someone's universe instead of such a fringe character in a scenario with parents who still have so much to learn.
Right now, he sleeps under his Pottery Barn Kids comforter with the surfer emblazoned on it. He has his first football game tomorrow where he will play second string. I KNOW he wanted to talk about the game with us today several times but he would not allow himself. He bit back the excitement and stoically trudged along beside us. I know him. He is nervous and excited. He usually chatters incessantly when he's like that but not this time.
I don't know how long he can hold out. We invited him to come watch a DVD with us a few nights ago and he said "okay" and then never came out of his room. He is acting like the offended party rather than the OFFENDER.
I want to shake him and hug him all at once. I think the "shaking" thing is looking more attractive than the "hugging", in all honesty.
It is my prayer that tomorrow, in the morning, as I wake him up for school, he will decide to tear down the wall of silence he has built and humble himself.
If not, I'll do what I do worst . . .wait.

Alive and Kicking!

2011-09-15T05:02:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the WEEKS of silence that have preceded this post! I always get a chuckle from the emails that readers send me asking if we're still alive, if things are going alright or bluntly "why haven't you blogged in TWO WEEKS?". The truth is, two weeks ago something crazy happened that sucked my free time away and dropped me into a vacuum. It's called "homeschooling" and I do it for about nine months every year. Along with homeschooling comes the support group for moms that I facilitate, the co-op where my precious prodigy take courses from someone OTHER THAN me, the nightly grading of assignments, the sports -theater - music for the kids who have interests there and just trying to steal a quick date with my husband during this heat wave of activity.
Please don't read my laundry list of commitments with that nasally, whiny voice that we all use at those times when we're feeling overwhelmed. I'm not overwhelmed (yet!). I am just super busy. My oldest son is a senior in high school and, although he and his sister are almost completely independent study students, I do keep tabs on the work and I still sit and grade their Algebra and Geometry each evening. I don't do this because I HAVE to. The curriculum they use allows students to plug in their answers on the computer and grade themselves. I do this because I WANT to. I was a terrible math student. In some aspects of my own life, I feel my lack in this area greatly inhibited me. I want to be sure my children don't follow in my footsteps. I do have to sit with my precious Ky Ky during much of his school as he is still working at about a mid second grade level. He is gaining by leaps and bounds this year, though, and sitting by him while he reads full paragraphs (when he was not even potty trained until 5 years old and was hard of hearing until he was 4) just makes my heart leap for joy! I also work one on one with Francis during his English and Finance courses. He is just fine doing math, journal writing, Bible History and such on his own. I am shocked at the improvement in his English skills in just 10 weeks home. He already had a good foundation and is naturally bright so I can't take much credit here but it's amazing nonetheless. I'm not quite ready to let him be independent study, anyway. I'm just enjoying that school time with him and it often dissolves into joking around or talking off the subject. It always takes more time that it has to but that is perfectly fine with me. Ezekiel is a hand full during school sometimes and I have taken to letting him dump out every toy in his bedroom just to keep him occupied while we work. He also spends a little time in his crib with board books and then in his high chair with a popsicle. Lemuel is our only public schooler and since he recently made the football team, he practices until dinner time daily, comes home sweaty and tired, eats and falls asleep on his homework most nights. He claims to love this set up. I would not have at his age but he is a very different bird. His emotional struggles have resurfaced the last few days and a nice crying jag of two hours or so ensued. I suspect being tired played into this and I had him go off to bed a little earlier the last couple of nights. He can't articulate what is going on so I have to use a little trial and error. He continues to be my most challenging child. I continue to be keenly aware that we are not doing right by him and yet, unable to figure out what God would have us do differently. He does not want to be homeschooled and, although I did homeschool him for his first two years home, it was very rough on all of us. His needs are HUGE and my emotional reserves are puny. The Lord sustained us and we muddled through but those were two school years when I would not have said "enjoyable, abundant or fulfilling" unless I was referring to the weekends.
Well, that's a run down of the school situation here and, although it may seem mundane to a reader, it's a snapshot of our family that makes me happy and proud. I see the way the Lord has guided us into this life and then equipped us to tackle each day and I am awed. My penchant for laziness coupled with the selfish streak I battle would dictate that homeschooling, serving my family and even being patient enough to finish what I start, are all out of reach for me. Thanks be to God who, in His wisdom and good humor, calls us to walk in our areas of weakness!
Well, it's time to rally the troops for co-op and head off to teach my high school English Literature and Composition class. We are almost finished reading and analyzing "Lord of the Flies". Have a vibrant, blessed day, friends.

Safety and Celebration

2011-08-31T09:32:00.000-07:00

This last weekend we were met with threats of serious storm damage from Hurricane Irene. Days before the storm was to make landfall, our news channels were all abuzz with warnings to secure our outdoor furniture, buy batteries and water. Irene turned out to be a bit of a dud for our part of the state but not so for many surrounding states. My sister lives on the coast in Virginia and the threat there was much more serious than we hoped. She runs an assisted living facility and is responsible for the complete care of three precious elderly ladies. Upon seeing the storm threat, she loaded up her three residents and her three children and headed for my house on Friday.
When my sister arrived with her residents, wheelchairs and walkers in tow, it was such a relief to know they were safe from the storm!
It just so happened that we had planned Francis' 16th birthday celebration for that very same day so our 40+ invited guests, my sister's residents and family and my brother and his wife and kids all enjoyed a big birthday party together the night before a hurricane was set to hit! Several times during the party I had to swallow back tears of gratitude. I would be scooping ice cream and find myself just so thankful for all of the people God has put in my life. It's not unusual for me to feel that way when looking at my children but I don't think I stop often enough to be grateful for the friends, neighbors, and church family that I have been blessed with. Our home was filled with fellow Christians, the newly-adopted Indian children of a friend, a family in the middle of an Ethiopian adoption while expecting their 10th biological child, and so many who helped us with our last TWO adoptions. What a blessing to know these people! How lucky I am to be able to feed them dinner and watch their children play with mine. I will never understand the life of a hermit or the bitterness that makes some folks want to hole up and close themselves off from the world. Human beings are such great creations! We were made for fellowship with God and with each other. Just the presence of these loved ones sharpened my "iron" (Proverbs 27:17). I pray that God will use me to enrich the lives of others just as He has used so many to enrich mine.

Ecclesiastes 4:10-12
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

THE Power of the Zipper

2011-08-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

I wore THOSE pants to church on Sunday. You know . . . we all have worn them at least once . . .the pants that randomly unzip fast and hard as soon as you sit down. I forgot I even HAD those pants and by the time I realized it was THEM, I was sitting down in a van full of people and running ten minutes late. I had to keep them on. I worked in the nursery, always bending at the waist and never squatting, for an hour. I kept my Bible on my lap during service and re-zipped while standing for the final prayer. I could not concentrate properly all day for thinking of those PANTS!!!!!
A seemingly small "problem" given the seriousness of world hunger, war in the middle east and the plight of the baby seal but, on that day, it overshadowed every move I made.
After church, my eldest son took his siblings shopping and had a minor confrontation with the two brothers closest in age to him. He had to remind them that he is the Kuya and they need to listen to him. When my children came home from the store, I could FEEL the bad attitude in my home and began to conduct private interviews to get the story. Each child agreed that our eldest had spoken kindly and was simply doing his job. (It appears our newest family member prefers BEING the Kuya to HAVING a Kuya and that was part of the problem- ha ha). The reaction to being corrected by his older brother seemed disproportionate to the situation. It made for a hard, tense afternoon around the old homestead and finally, at 11pm, my husband and I called all three of our oldest into our room for a little heart to heart. Everything is back to "normal" because these are some easily-redirected kids when it comes down to it.
As I laid in bed thinking about the day's events, I wondered why the pants seemed to frustrate me so much and yet I was GLAD the "sibling snit" took place. With those black pants (which are somewhere in a landfill by now, I hope) I was frustrated and sidetracked way MORE than the situation called for (much like our new son felt with our oldest). It feels dramatic and silly now even using the word "situation" when retelling the pants problem!
When I pondered the issue between my teens, I had peace and joy. Suddenly, it dawned on me . . . the squabble with the teens was a bonding event because having a tiff with someone (and then working it out) indicates a level of acceptance and familiarity that is reserved for families and close friends. With strangers, a little irritation can go unmended and feel fine. With guests, you bend over backward to please them and put yourself out without a second thought but with FAMILY, you can "keep it real" and know that it won't end the relationship. I'm ashamed to admit, I say things to my husband that I would never say to anyone who had not signed legal documents committing to me. I can tell my kids when their outfits look ridiculous or they need to brush their teeth better because, they are mine and they know I love and accept them. How many times have you been in conversation with an acquaintance who had . . . um . . .a little something in his nose but you refused to tell him because he'd be embarrassed? I have. With family, forget it! Not only do I tell them, I TEASE them until a state of paranoia sets in that causes them to carry around a hand mirror!!! They would do the same to me. So, although the enemy tried to get a foothold in our family with the sibling issue, the Lord reminded me that He is in charge and even things that seem unpleasant have a purpose. Even the black pants? I guess I needed some humbling so, yes, EVEN THE BLACK PANTS!

"Update" . . . yawn . . .

2011-08-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

I've been holding off on blogging for a while in hopes that our new family pictures would be ready for the posting. They aren't. They haven't even been taken yet. We keep planning to take family pictures and then some appointment, commitment or unexpected "thing" cuts in line. I am hoping in the next week we will get those pictures taken. I am bothered by the huge portrait that hangs over my couch and contains neither Ezekiel nor Francis. That picture is not my family . . . it's only part of my family. I am even more aware that the five close up pictures that line our stairwell are an incomplete set. It seems tolerable to have a picture missing two children but when just one is missing from a grouping, it seems almost "mean". . . I know I'm waaaay over analyzing this photo thing but, hey, that's the way my mind works these days.
There isn't much news to report that would be of interest to those outside this family but things are changing around here. My husband sold his Harley yesterday. My oldest son sold his leopard gecko and I registered Francis and Elliana for an upcoming driver's education class! In a few months THREE of my children -exactly half- will be driving on either a permit or a license! I am going to be spending more time in prayer than ever when that happens.
We have been homeschooling for exactly two days now and it feels good to have a routine again. Everyone feels purposeful and it is obvious. The lazy feel of our home has given way to a structured, forward motion. Chores are done early, students are at the table with books, computers and pencils. I am circulating the room, Ezekiel on my hip, answering questions and checking assignments. I am going to miss this someday. I am keenly aware that, no matter how many times we adopt, at some point this phase of life will end. I will not have a bustling house full of kids to teach, train and enjoy. I suppose I should be looking forward to that time and planning a Disney trip - or something- with my husband (and Ezekiel - ha ha) but I can not even fathom it yet. I don't want this to end. I LOVE my life. I love my tiny house with too few bathrooms and mismatched interior doors. I love the fact that we fill the 8 passenger van when we go out as a family and there's no more room. I love the rulers, pencils, dried markers and broken crayons that litter my counter top on weekdays and I love how the washer and dryer are always in use, whether by me or one of my teens. I love the way the trash has to be dumped twice a day sometimes and the fact that my top dresser drawer is full on unmatched socks of all sizes and colors, waiting for me to have time to sit and find pairs. I love being called "mom" by voices in all stages of puberty - pre, mid and post - and knowing who's voice it is without ever having to look. THIS is what I was created for. To mother, educate, raise, reach out to, accept and cherish these people - to blur the line between "biological" and "adopted" in such a way that nobody wishes he was one and not the other. I pray for strength to live this life with excellence, knowing that the Lord has given me a calling too high to attain on my own. I just can't do it apart from Jesus. And isn't that just the way it should be? Anything we can tackle easily on our own strength is likely NOT our calling.

"God calls the unqualified to do the unimaginable through His power, that is immeasurable, in a world that is unreachable apart from Him who is unchangeable".
Author Unknown

Real Vs. Reality

2011-08-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

In the last five or six days, I have taken my seat at this very table and started various blog posts only to delete and never publish them. As every blogger knows, it is crucial to be patently honest in your blogging but there is also a little restraint that sits in the heart while typing. I want so much to be honest and encourage families in their pursuit of adoption or in their walks with Christ! Here is where my dilemma truly lies. Adoption can be so difficult. Teen adoption is notoriously laden with land mines and many such adoptions are unsuccessful. I have done some research and found that between 38% and 75% of adoptions disrupt when the child is over 12 years old at the time of placement. The huge disparity in the numbers seems to be related to the definition of "disruption" - some adoptions are considered "disrupted" when parents retain legal custody but place their child in a group home or alternate care setting. Anyway, I digress . . . My dilemma lies in sharing the reality of our own experience with adopting a teen (which has been absolutely WONDERFUL thus far!) while communicating that our experience is NOT typical. I know the written word carries much weight. I have received countless emails over the course of my time as a blogger that have thanked me for help, teaching, guidance or transparency and it is so humbling. I don't mean to overstate my influence but I certainly do not want a family to believe that adoption is an easy road or that there is any formula for success that I have somehow tapped into. There isn't. It is only by the grace of God that our newest family member has meshed in so easily and is doing so well. It is also by God's grace that we did not disrupt the adoption of our now 13 year old son when he came to us at eight.
It is because of His sovereignty that we have added four precious sons to this family when, in reality, we didn't always know what we were getting into!
The only thing that is "real" and I know to be 100% true is that the God of the universe does what He sees fit when He decides to do it. I know that even when the road to adoption is bumpy and we feel hopeless, He has it all under His watchful eye. I know for a fact that I have grown more in my faith with each adoption and that the hardest adoption has also been the most rewarding spiritually. That is what I know to be true. THAT, is the reality of taking big leaps with the safety net of a sovereign God beneath us the whole time. The reality? We have risked little. We have gained much.

Put the Brakes On!!!!!

2011-08-04T18:15:00.000-07:00

Phew . . . what a busy few weeks we've had here at the nut house!!!!! My teenage niece and nephew spent 11 days at our house (yes, I had 8 kids for 11 days - it was actually pretty great) and then we drove them back to their home at the beach. We went to the ocean, a water park and the kids all went to the movies before we headed back home. I am finally sitting down to catch my breath and just glanced at the calendar. Francis has basketball practice tomorrow morning and Lemuel has a physical for football in the afternoon!
Despite the vast amounts of FUN we have been having, I am feeling so utterly convicted that I am undone.
In the wake of all the partying, guests, cook outs and travel, I am afraid our family has lost focus on the One who deserves the most attention - Jesus! Yes, we've gone to church each Sunday, and some Wednesdays. Yes, we pray before each meal and I have spent SOME time in God's word but my conviction goes beyond those issues. I have let things slide with my children that are unacceptable. Attitudes, choices of music and movies, crass speech, laziness regarding their responsibilities at home and so much more. Finally, two nights ago while at my sister's house at the beach, it all came to a head with some unkindness between my teens. I called my husband up crying and told him how broken hearted I was over the general state of things. He quickly agreed and admitted that he, too, has seen glimpses of these issues but has not addressed them. We apologized to each other for our parental laziness and made a decision to get these attitudes back on track PRONTO! We have prayed, talked and decided to have a meeting with our teens tomorrow to emphasize how to live a life "worthy of our calling". We all need a tune up, not just the kids. It's time for us to hole up for a little while and get back to focusing on walking our talk!
I share the embarrassing state of our family, not just to humiliate myself, but to point out just how subtle and crafty the enemy of our souls has been. You see, if he had come into our family foaming at the mouth, dressed like a satan worshipper and inviting my teens to join him, they would have spotted him from afar and been drawn closer to their Heavenly Father. So instead, he slips in disguised as a "harmless" joke, a funny but biting comment, a friend who commiserates when you complain about your family, a show that isn't appropriate for the "little kids" but just fine for "us teens" . . . and . . . before you know it, the enemy is sitting on our sofa with his feet on the coffee table and we didn't even see him come in! Well, we see him now and he's no longer welcome.

I Peter 5:8-9
⁸Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

Adopting Again?????

2011-07-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

I realize the title of this blog post may have caused a couple of friends and family members to "freak out" for a split second. Let me assure you all that we have not, at this point, felt God leading us to adopt again! I titled this post as I did because several people have asked me this very question "do you think you'll adopt again?". Now, let me explain something. Asking adoptive parents this question within mere weeks of placement is like asking someone with a brand new infant if they plan to have more babies! I don't draw this parallel because of any negative experiences, I draw it because at this stage of the adoption, I can not think more than a week ahead.
We have to navigate homeschooling, work on setting some boundaries and just get to know each other better.
I remember saying "I think we might be done" after each child came into our family and then, not being "done" because the Lord said we weren't. We are a family that embraces the "quiver full" ideology. We believe children are a gift from the Lord and we are not in a position to ask him to STOP blessing us. No, we don't use birth control. We just don't have more than two biological children. God has called us to adoption and, in doing so, it seems He has divinely "closed the factory". That is more than fine with me. He is God and He does what is best. That being said, when I think about the paperwork, the money and my heart . . . . goodness . . . I don't know if my spirit can go through another adoption with all the waiting, glitches and emotional "stuff" . . . I tell the Lord that if He feels we are a full house, it is well with my soul. So, to answer the question that several have asked and maybe others have wondered, if we are done and God has spoken, that is great. I am full to overflowing because of God's goodness in giving us the six children He has placed here. Only HE knows who needs to come to our table. If there's another E******l out there, needing a family to call his/her own, God will make it plain.
This is one area of my walk with Christ where letting go of the reigns has resulted in incalculable blessings. He always knows best!

We Are Family

2011-07-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

(l to r) my sister, my grandma, me, my mom

My peeps

What a weekend! I think back over the events of the last two days with such fondness that I'm smiling as I type (although I am home from church today with a head cold). On Friday, we loaded up the mini van and drove to Charlotte to spend time with my side of the family. My parents, aunt and uncle, my sister and her three kids and my beautiful 91 year old grandmother who is bravely battling cancer. Add my own six children and husband to the mix and we had a huge, noisy crowd all together eating, talking and laughing.
The next morning, we loaded up the van once again and headed to our adoption agency's annual Philippine Ties pool party. This gathering is specifically for families who have children from The Philippines. This year's event was especially precious for several reasons. The most obvious reason is that Francis is home but aside from that, we had the honor of meeting TWO of Ezekiel's buddies from his former home, Gentle Hands. We met Rammy who was mentioned in Ezekiel's paperwork as his "best friend". Rammy is a beautiful, tiny little guy who steals your heart just by looking at you! He is with a lucky family that is madly in love with him, just as they should be! The second Gentle Hands baby we met was Moriah. He's a gorgeous little guy with visual impairment and he is just so engaging and lovely that I had to hold him, even though he wasn't thrilled with it! Like Rammy, Moriah is in a family that recognizes what a gift they've been given. He fits in perfectly!

(l-r) me and Zeke, Courtney, Rammy and Kim, Carrie and Moriah

As if seeing these boys in their families was not enough, we got the special blessing of having Courtney Bell (a precious and beautiful young lady who cared for all these boys before they ever had families) come and join the party!!!!! I met Courtney of facebook while waiting for Ezekiel to come home. I saw her in several pics with him and contacted her with a sheepish "hi, I'm Ezekiel's future mom and if you happen to have a photo or any word on him, I'm all eyes/ears". Courtney graciously responded and we discovered that she attends the same university I did and that she lives only 15 minutes from my home!!!!!! Tell me that's not a "God thing". She was all the way in The Philippines and the odds of us having all these connections were infinitesimal and yet, in God's economy, this is as normal as can be!
I know I've failed to adequately capture the AWESOMENESS of this weekend but I'll add a couple more pictures in an effort to illustrate . .

My Family (yes, Courtney is "mine", too - ha ha)

The "big kids" at the agency party

"Normal" Is Heaven!

2011-07-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

With almost two weeks home and the jet lag considerably reduced, we are crossing into familiar terrain that most people would call "normal life". The kids are ALL doing their chores again (thank the Lord . . . I really needed the help!) and their own laundry again (double "thank the Lord"). Francis has had no problem falling right into the routine and taking on any responsibility given to him. Even better, he takes it on with a good attitude and a willing spirit!   You can't ask for much more than that . . .
On Friday we took the family to the beach for the day. I could tell Francis was a little hesitant about this trip and not too excited. I asked him if everything was okay and he brought up the fact that he doesn't exactly swim.   I tried to offer encouragement and give him several options of things to do at the beach besides swim. When we finally got to the beach, it was a "red flag" day and due to strong currents, beach goers were not allowed to venture into the water any deeper than their waists! Just one little example of God taking care of a potentially awkward situation and keeping everyone in the same boat. I loved it!
Today we all went to see the final Harry Potter movie and then Dad took Francis and Lemuel to the YMCA to play some basketball. I'm sure when they get home they'll want to watch "Naruto" or some karate movie on Nexfiix before bed and eat the last 6 chocolate chip cookies in the tupperware.
I just LOVE LOVE LOVE describing the normal events going on over here because each one is made more precious with Francis home. I dreamed about having him home and in our "normal" family doing "normal" things for almost a year and finally - it's happening!    No drama. No behavior "issues". No sibling jealousy (well, maybe a tad but that will be saved for another post). No major adjustment problems. Just us living life and seeking to please the Lord in the little things while looking for His guiding hand in the big things.
Miraculously normal!

Lemuel and Francis bury Elliana

Lem and Ezekiel

Ezekiel and The Kuya

Francis, Lem and Elliana with their boogie boards

Little By Little

2011-07-13T17:12:00.000-07:00

Everyday with Francis in our family, things seem to "gel" a little more. Today was a really wonderful time for all of us. I got up very early and decided to take Ezekiel (our youngest) to hike at the lake near our house. It was H-O-T outside, even at 7am so I doubted I would have any "takers" when I went to wake the kids and ask if anyone wanted to come along. To my surprise, both Francis and Elliana agreed to join us. The hike ended up with a huge water fight (ice cubes included) but the soaking was welcome after a hot couple of miles!
At 3pm, our 13 year old son, Lemuel, was to fly home from a trip to visit his best friend out in Michigan. The timing of the trip was stellar as Lemuel tends to require a lot more attention than the average 13 year old and my crew was jet lagging pretty hard since they got home last Thursday. Lemuel had not met Francis in person until today. Francis and I went to the airport to greet him and the two hit it off quite well. They went to the YMCA together to play some basketball while their Dad worked out.
There have been lots of little "glimmers" of good things ahead and I continue to stand in awe of what the Lord is allowing us to be a part of.
This has been by far, the most emotionally taxing adoption of our four - having a child old enough to "choose you back" is extremely stressful and not for the faint of heart. Adopting a child who was so deeply rooted in his former life is not for the thin skinned. Despite the tough nature of this adoption, the transition has been the EASIEST of all of our adoptions. There is clearly a willingness on both sides of this equation to make this work. That goes a LOOOONG way.
I feel very ashamed now of the doubts I had in the last couple of months. They are almost comical when compared to the reality of the situation!
Please know, precious readers, that if this blog goes silent for a little while, it will only be for the good things going on over here crowding out my time to blog. The same goes for my facebook. As much as I relied on this computer to get me through the last bit of this adoption and all of the travel, I feel like it will go by the wayside a bit. If you're a parent, I know you'll understand.

Upward and Onward!!!

2011-07-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

me, my sister and some of our kids

Here we are at day 3 of having our new son home and I feel an update is in order. I feel this way because of the sweet emails I've received asking me "how's it going?" . . . I feel this way because so many precious friends and family members have walked the road to this adoption with us and to leave your questions unanswered seems dismissive of all you've done for our family.   I hesitate to post an update simply because things are in a definite state of transition. We have had priceless, sweet moments over here when I could tangibly feel the assurance of the Lord throughout this home and there have been moments of sadness and doubt.   For sure, the moments of blessed assurance have far outweighed the other moments. I am making a conscious effort to do TWO things that I know will keep our home on a positive note. First, I am going to stop asking him "are you okay" four hundred times a day. I have no doubt I'm driving him a little crazy and that he is perfectly capable of letting us know if something is NOT "okay". . . he has done this. We already know it's possible! He is being very patient with me and I do appreciate it.
Second, I have to remind myself that this is only day THREE of a new life together and, Lord willing, there is plenty of time to do and say all that needs to be done and said. The jet lag has caused all of my kids, and my husband, to sleep and eat at odd times and to feel pretty draggy in the evenings. I have to recognize jet lag for what it is and not allow myself to be fearful that there's "a problem".
I can only speak for myself when I say that we are more honored and blessed to have Francis in our family than I expected!   I have so much respect for this kid! He willingly left a loving home and everything familiar and consented to be adopted by us. This is an act of bravery I can not understand and yet, I see the character that it sprang from and I am truly amazed.
We have tried to keep the first few days at home low key but we haven't been extremely successful. We had my sister and her kids with us for a few days (and the teens had a really good time together), we went to church, out to eat and played around the house a good bit. We saw a movie at the theater yesterday and have done a couple of chores as well. . . probably not low key enough for just three days post-travel because as I type, Francis is asleep on the couch and has been for over an hour (and it's 7:30pm).

He's definitely an early riser like me and the last three mornings he's been up at about 6:15am or so. I don't mind a bit. We took a walk yesterday morning before it got really hot outside and it was such a blessing to me. I'm sure as the jet lag wears off and we get into a bit of a routine around here, complete with assigned chores and a little school work, I'll have more substantial updates. For now, suffice it to say that everything is just as it should be. . . and it's all happening in God's perfect timing.

Home For Good

2011-07-08T05:44:00.000-07:00

Last night at about 9:30pm, our lives changed for the better. After a 30 minute flight delay, me, my mom, sister, nieces and nephew along with about 25 precious, dear friends met Francis for the first time! I was truly afraid I might faint as the family headed down the ramp toward our cheering group. There were signs, gifts and a sweet friend of my teenagers even brought cookies she had made.
Just as I'd imagined, I was the first in the crowd to run forward and hug Francis. I probably injured him but he was too polite to say so (ha ha)! It was an amazing night and even my biggest imagination, it was not as wonderful as the reality. Even as I type this, he is across the room from me, laying on the couch playing with Ezekiel. He is definitely going to be a fantastic Kuya to these little ones! He's so great with them and they follow him like the pied piper. Ezekiel has been playing a game all morning where he (while sitting on Francis' stomach) grabs his face and smooshes it around. Ezekiel thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever seen!
If he knew his cheesy mom was sitting here holding back tears - my heart almost too full to explain - he would probably think I had lost my mind! It's these little moments, early in the bonding, that I store up and draw on when times get a little rocky, and they might. This is "day one" and we are all on our best behavior. I don't have any real worries, though. The Lord, who created this family just as He designed, will walk with us through every high and low, just as He has done since the day I came to know Him at eight years old. My redeemer is faithful. That's all I need to know.
Praise to His glorious, great name,
Nikki

Homeward Bound!

2011-07-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

While those of us in the United States are wrapping up our evenings, my beautiful travelers will just be boarding their plane for the 24+ hour journey HOME. . . I have prayed about and imagined this day for almost a year and now that it's here, I don't quite know what to do with myself. The house is clean (as in, spotless . . . cleaned by a neurotic woman trying to fast forward time with every stroke of the mop), the dogs are groomed, the closets are organized and a couple of casseroles are in the fridge for our Friday family brunch. I even did my nails, tweezed my eyebrows and loofah-ed. I have rehearsed the "hello" a million times in my mind - do I hang back and try not to overwhelm him or do I give in to my natural instinct and just throw my arms around him? When Ezekiel came home, I was not a part of that trip, having decided to give my seat to Lemuel so he could see his biological brother. I decided prior to the "hello" that I would definitely hold back. Ezekiel was a timid little boy and too young to understand what was happening. He was reportedly afraid of "white people" and did not like a large amount of noise or activity. I was prepared to shake his little hand, maybe touch his hair, and wait for him to give the green light. Yeah . . . right! I ended up practically running down the jetway. I grabbed him from my husband's arms and squeezed the stuffing out of him!! It was a force of nature. There was no way I could have held back. I'm sure tomorrow, the same phenomenon will take place. I PLAN to play it cool but as a Mama who has waited a looong time to finally see this young man face to face, I can't make any promises!
I skyped with the family just a few hours ago and they were all very tired. They have gone from place to place all day on this trip, visiting family, sightseeing, shopping, eating out, riding public transportation just for fun, etc. I believe they will need at least a week to get over the jetlag which suits me fine. A week of napping teens might just provide me the time I need to do all the laundry from this trip! It doesn't matter, just to have them home . . . all under my roof, all sitting around my table at dinner. THAT is the answer to a thousand tearful prayers. With adoption #4 almost under our belts, we can confidently say that God provides. He delivers. He hears our prayers. He cares. He loves to give good gifts to His children and to answer the desires of their hearts. He does all things for our good and for His glory. He uses the weak. His grace is sufficient and His plans can not be thwarted. All of those character traits of God that we studied as children have shown themselves in this one loving act of allowing us to adopt Francis.
Lord, you are extravagant!

(l-r)Francis, Ariel(Lem's big brother), Elliana, Aaron at Children's Garden

After days of sightseeing, my boys have had enough!

A Day in Pictures

2011-07-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

After a class at the US Embassy, the family went to ICAB for his travel docs!!

Next, a taxi ride to the Mall of Asia . . . where else???

Ironman hangs out at Mall of Asia, too!

This is ice cream from "Thumbs Up" . . you get to pick a bunch of little flavors

Darth Vader chillin' with my kids at. . . you guessed it . . . Mall of Asia

One Day At a Time

2011-07-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

Although the picture above doesn't show it, Francis is having a bit of a tough time right now. He's leaving behind an amazing group of caregivers, a school full of friends and a church that he loves. All of these have been in his life for the last ten years, almost to the day. I knew it would be hard for him. I also know that God is faithful and weaving together a beautiful portrait of loss and reclaiming, of giving up something to gain something else. I do ask for prayer for our precious son. I am asking the Lord to be merciful and let this grief be short-lived. I am praying that God gives peace and comfort even in the midst of the sadness.
I just finished a skype with my family and already am seeing improvement in his countenance. Yesterday, it was so hard to even see him on the camera because I could read him like a book. Just devastated. Today, this morning, I talked to everyone as they were waking up and saw some smiles and even a little joy peeking back in. I'm not naive enough to think that a smiling face means a heart is healed. That will take time, patience, prayer and many reminders about God's sovereign plan. I've had to be reminded over the last couple of days. I've had to revisit our original calling and pray through my own doubts. I needed to reconfirm that the sadness he is going through is not because of my own selfish desire to adopt but because the Lord ordained it and He will supervise every thought and tear. I end this post by asking the question I have asked in countless blog posts. How do people without Christ survive? How are they not paralyzed with fear at such life altering decisions? How would we be able to bring another person into such drastic life changes if we didn't know that the Creator of the Universe had predestined it? There's just no way.

Amazing Day

2011-07-01T03:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently while those of us in the US were sleeping last night, Anthony and the teens were zip lining near the Taal Volcano! They got a chance to drive by Francis' preschool, elementary and high schools as well. I'm so grateful for the time they are spending at Samaritan's Place and the chance they have to be a part of Francis' day to day life. I'm even more thankful for a husband who is an excellent photographer and for the laptop computer that connects me to these people I love so much!

In front of the Taal Volcano

Aaron and Elliana getting ready to "take off"

soaring above the trees

Francis was a lot more hesitant to try this than the others but he faced his fear!!!!

Together!!

2011-06-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

My wonderful family arrived safely in Manila on Wednesday night (Wednesday morning in the US). The next morning, they were met at their hotel by an ICAB social worker and escorted to Samaritan's Place.
My husband reports that Francis was shy at first but quickly warmed up and they are all having a great time together. He took the kids to a mall to see Transformers 3 and spend a little time just hanging out. I was blessed to have been able to skype TWICE already and have confirmation of what I have known for almost one year now. Francis is meant to be in our family. I knew in the deepest part of my heart that this was true but nothing "seals the deal" like seeing him with my two oldest kids. The rapport is already building. When we skyped for the second time, the kids were playing Uno in the background. I could hear them laughing and giving each other a hard time. I could see them acting silly and posing for the camera - it's just "right" that he should be with us. It's a difficult sense to put into words but that's the best I can do. How about if I let the pictures do the talking? My husband didn't have a chance to take his usual 10,000 photos yesterday but he shared a few that I would like to share with you.
Thank you, dear friends, for praying for this adoption. Please continue to pray for safe travel home and for God to continue to knit all of my family members' hearts together in the way that only He can. It is my prayer that God is glorified somehow through this adoption process.
For His Fame,
Nikki

Chillin' during their 24+ plus hours of flying!

Elliana the Artist passing time on a flight

Finally able to stretch those legs!

Just moments after meeting for the first time!!!!

Anthony finally gets some real taho (yum)

Francis tries on the converse I sent (you've gotta have Chucks in THIS family)

Aaron plays a little piano for the staff

Utterly Dependent

2011-06-29T14:18:00.000-07:00

The title of this post may very well make a reader believe it's going to be deep. Spiritual. A discussion of our helplessness without the Lord.   Nope. This post is about my internet!
My husband and two precious teenagers are now in Manila and in just a few hours they will meet Francis in person for the first time!!!!!!   Our family of seven becomes a family of eight in just six hours or so! How blessed I am! Also, how neurotic!
If I had decided to sit down and post yesterday, the post would have had a very different tone. Exasperated. Upset. Despondent. Ungrateful. Our internet has been down for three days due to some severe storm activity.
I called to get help from our company only to find that no technician was available for FIVE WHOLE DAYS.
Normally that would not be a big deal. I may have even welcomed the "outage" as a chance to get back to playing board games with the kids or cleaning out some unvisited corner of my house. But my family is overseas! I was not going to be able to skype in on their first meeting.   I was so distraught. To top it all off, I went out into our backyard yesterday while the two youngest children were watching a cartoon. I was gone for literally three minutes. When I tried to reenter the house, I found Ezekiel had opened our laundry room door and "trapped" me outside. I panicked and pushed the door so hard that it bent the track the laundry room door rests on and knocked it right off!!!   I tried to fix it but it's awkward, heavy and I'm no "handy woman". I decided to "google" an article on how to repair the door track when it dawned on me, I had no internet connection. Add the fact that it was still two more days until grocery day and I had nothing "easy" to make for dinner so I knew that thawing, chopping and plenty of cooking were on my agenda.
How's that for a whiny run-down of a day????? I went to the front porch and had a pity party which involved a few tears and a good bit of praying.   Suddenly, two things dawned on me. First, I thought about how ridiculously I was behaving. I talk and blog about the sovereignty of God and suddenly when my day goes south, He's not in charge? It's not a part of His plan in any way, shape or form? Second, I had a wave of compassion for all the single mothers out there! I can't handle two days of "singleness" with grace and yet I know women who have done it for years! Who changes their lightbulbs? Who watches the kids for an hour while they go to book club? Who puts their laundry room doors back on track and says "oh, you look tired, let's go out for pizza tonight"? Who takes the dogs out at the end of the night because they get all creeped out at the thought of stepping on a frog or a snake? Nobody.
If any part of God's plan for yesterday included making me grateful for my amazing, handsome, handy man of a husband, I can confidently say "mission accomplished".    If any part of the enemy's plan for yesterday included exploiting some pretty lame aspects of my character, I can also say "mission accomplished".
I can't help but think about the apostle Paul and how content he learned to be "in every circumstance".
I want so much to think like that and right now, I do. My internet is back on, the door is fixed and my sweet neighbor is bringing us dinner!
What a difference a day makes.

The COUNTDOWN

2011-06-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

In a few short days, three of the people I love most in this world will board an airplane and make their way, ever-so-slowly to The Philippines. Right now, the greater Manila area is drenched in flood waters from tropical storm "Falcon". I just finished reading an article and watching a news broadcast (in Tagalog but I got the gist) about the evacuations, missing children, lost fishermen and impassable roadways. I am afraid.
The excitement of finally meeting my new son in person is tempered with the realization that the conditions where he lives are not the best right now.
I am keeping this post short and asking for every reader to pray for my family. Please ask the Lord to deliver them safely to Manila and safely back to me again. Thank you so very much!
For His Fame,
Nikki

FAMILY NEEDED (WELL, TWO FAMILIES, ACTUALLY)

2011-06-21T04:14:00.000-07:00

I have recently become aware of two young ladies in The Philippines who are in desperate need of families.
They are not related and will go two separate placements and THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL! Both need to be adopted in practicing Christian homes - where a walk with Christ is the focus of the family.
Both girls are around ten years old and understand that they will be adopted. Aside from being gorgeous, their write ups look very, very good.
I wish I could post pictures and specifics but the rules of the ICAB prevent me from doing so. Please log on to our adoption agency web site and take a look at the criteria and fees for Philippine adoptions Christian Adoption Services . You can also send me an email here for more information.
Above all, please pray for these girls, that they get the chance to live out their lives as someone's precious daughters. . . that a daddy comes in to offer them protection like only a daddy can . . . that they get a Mama to show them the path to womanhood. God designed children for families. There's no better place!

Ready, Set, GO!!!!

2011-06-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

A LOT has happened since my last blog post just a couple of days ago. I'm not much of a list maker but just for today, I think I'll write a list:
1. Big family meeting to pray about who gets to travel to meet Francis took place
2. A tiny tantrum occurred at said meeting (hey, I was PMS-ing, give me a break)
3. My husband and two oldest children won the bid to travel (I'm okay with it now)
4. Tickets were purchased (3 round trip and 1 glorious one-way)
5. Francis had his Embassy interview and all went well (except he got publicly sick in front of a restaurant after the interview, much to the horror of the patrons eating just inside the window, I'm sure)
6. Boxes and boxes of gifts and orphanage donations have been received, packed and repacked to meet the airline weight requirement.

Those are the biggies this week. Lots of great little things have happened but those were definitely the big, exciting steps taken toward bringing our son home.
I have developed a wicked case of insomnia on top of it all. I don't feel stressed or worried, I'm just so excited that I can't sleep. If I wake, I start thinking about the adoption, the travel, the closeness of it all and I'd rather lay in bed and daydream than actually sleep, I guess.    Today, after a full week and 5 days of teaching preschool Vacation Bible School, it all caught up with me and I was wiped out. My sweet husband took the three youngest kids to the pool at the YMCA and I was able to doze in front of the TV - the movie was "Mask" with Cher playing a biker chick mothering a physically deformed teen son - it was almost too interesting to fall asleep to but I somehow managed.

I am starting to field calls and requests from friends and family members who want to come to the airport when Francis arrives. I'm honored and thrilled! They have every right to come and I'm touched they would ask. So many people have walked with us through this adoption, prayed for us, donated, encouraged and loved on us that there was never even a thought of keeping his "welcome home" all to myself. How wonderful for Francis to see a crowd of people anticipating his arrival! I hesitate to put times and details on the blog because I have had a few "weirdos" over the years contact me via this blog fishing around for information but if you're a friend in real life, you know how to find me and I'll be glad to let you know when to be where. I'll probably be so keyed up I'll need a ride rather than driving anyway!

Keep those prayers coming, friends. Our father is faithful and as I see the finish line on this adoption, I also see the start of a new family and all that comes with it. The good and the bad, the stress and the joy, the peace and the worry and I say BRING IT ON!!!!

Mom, Ezekiel and Daddy (above)

Lemuel carrying lunches for the homeless ministry

Our two oldest (in the center) handing out lunches at the homeless ministry

Our sweet Ky Ky tried fondue for the first time

This is the Day

2011-06-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

As I type this post, it is 10pm in the US and 10 am in Manila, at the US Embassy where our new son is having his visa interview!!!!!!! I have prayed off and on for hours for his safe travel to Manila, a smooth interview, a quick process and a SUPER fast printing of the visa. Just when I think I've prayed over every angle of this day, I think of something else I should pray about in regard to this day. What do people do who don't know the Lord? Do they just worry endlessly? Do they busy themselves with mundane tasks and push the thoughts of what is happening out of their minds? Do they feel so much stress that they can't function? I am so grateful that I don't know the answer to those questions because I DO know Him and I know that He has this day firmly in the palm of His hand. He's my daddy and he's doing what he does best - handling the details of life! It's days like this that I am extra glad that I am His and He is mine!

Family Wanted

2011-06-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

Through an online Philippine adoption group, I have recently become aware of a child who is in need of a family. His name is Jan Jan and he is 11 years old. He is in The Philippines in an orphanage. He was hosted by a US family last summer and this family wanted to pursue his adoption. He was reportedly a great kid within the home. The host mother's heart is with this child but her children do not agree. For a Philippine adoption, all the children in the family have to agree. It's an ICAB rule. In any case, please pray for a family for Jan Jan. Take a look at host mother's blog HERE . She describes Jan Jan, shares some photos and a heartfelt plea for a family to consider this young man. Please spread the word! Boys are great!

He Knew

2011-06-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

^{From Psalm 139}
¹³For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in yourbook were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.

I love this passage of scripture! It speaks right to a mother's heart. I remember reading it when I was only 24 years old and pregnant with my first precious child. I never worried about his "health" or "condition" while he grew inside because I knew that God was doing the "knitting" and whatever He chose to create would be just right. I refused all prenatal testing except for the ultrasound because I just loved to look at him. "Fearfully and wonderfully made"? No doubt! He and his biological sister were both deeply-wanted, longed-for miracles and I was in awe of them from the moment the "stick" turned blue (ha ha). I still am. I knew God had a special plan for these babies and I could not wait to be a part of that plan!

Now that I am an experienced adoptive parent, this passage of scripture has taken on new relevance. It is no less true of our adopted children as it is of our biological children. Some of our adopted children have terribly sad birth circumstances, yet they are still "wonderful works". One of our sons has Down Syndrome (a condition which, when diagnosed prenatally in the US results in a 90% abortion rate) and it is so obvious to us, and all who know him, that he was intricately woven together in his mother's womb. He is a cherished part of this family and our shiny star!

Reading this passage of scripture always makes my heart go out to our boys' birthmothers. How could they know, in their most desperate circumstances, that something wonderfully God-ordained would come from their pain?   I wish I could talk to these women, thank them, and let them know that a loving Heavenly Father did not let their legacy end in tragedy.   I pray for them often. I ask God to reveal Himself to these women and comfort them, especially on my sons' birthdays.   To a God who knits and weaves only beautiful things, I say "yes, your works ARE wonderful! My soul knows it VERY well."

Mercy?

2011-06-10T05:58:00.000-07:00

Well, it happened. Just as I knew it would. I expected it in much the same way as one person watches another person blow a balloon up way too much . . . the cringe before the "pop" . . . I waited and it happened.
Lemuel told his first big lie since returning home from treatment. "What's the big deal?" you might ask. "Kids lie" you might say. Yes, some do. For Lemuel, lying is a symptom of a bigger issue.   He just can't seem to trust.   The lie he told is not what's important, though. It's what God did in the hearts of those of us in command over here.    Bear in mind two things. First, we are fairly strict parents. We are coming from years of "Growing Kids God's Way" , detoxing if you will, and have to work hard not to be overly legalistic with our children. Second, for us lying is one of the ugliest offenses we encounter simply because of the heart from which a lie springs - selfish, fearful, unwilling to trust, wanton and uncaring. Just plain old fashioned SINFUL.
When Lemuel decided to lie right to my face yesterday, I felt the Lord so strongly speak to my heart that it actually startled me. I was just about to impose a punishment for the lie when God literally shut my mouth and impressed on my heart to "love him through this one".   Internally, I argued with God thinking "okay, I'm going to give this kid hugs and kisses and a free pass to lie? LIE? One of the behaviors I abhor the most?"
"That's exactly what you're going to do", He impressed on my heart.   So I did.   The response was not what I expected. Lemuel began to panic! He said "I'm not the same as before I went to treatment. I'm not going to tell any more lies. I don't know why I do but I'm going to stop. It makes you not feel close to me when I lie and I don't like that!". He was speaking too fast and breathing hard.   I have NEVER seen him show genuine repentance, especially right after an offense. Any glimmer of regret usually comes hours later, after he's had time to strategize a little.   I assured him that lying to us won't send him back to treatment (I wondered if his strong response was due to the fear of being taken back). But he said "I'm not thinking about that. I'm thinking about how I want to show everyone that I can tell the truth."   And that was that. We moved on.
For THIS offense, for THIS day, that was enough. When he lies again, and I do believe he will ( it's so much a part of his coping and defense mechanisms) we will have to weigh the response carefully. Showing mercy was exactly what was required for this "first offense" after treatment - a little testing of the waters for all of us.
Extending mercy felt just right in this situation. Receiving mercy always feels good, albeit humbling.
I should know. I receive it all the time from my Heavenly Father and from these precious people he's fashioned into my family. I am counting on the principle of sewing and reaping on this one:
"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." Sermon on the Mount.
Lord, thank you for your mercy that is new every morning. Please give us wisdom to know when mercy is fitting and when justice is required.   My constant prayer . . . MORE OF YOU, LESS OF ME!
Amen.

Taking Issue

2011-06-06T08:46:00.001-07:00

I've noticed in my recent blog reading what seems to be a marked increase in Believers "taking issue" with one another. The amount of hair splitting that goes on in the blog world, on facebook and other such forums is starting to be downright discouraging. For example, a fellow bloggy friend recently wrote a beautiful post about the "rescue" of their severely disabled daughter from an orphanage in Eastern Europe. The word "rescue" could have been replaced with the word "adoption" but, you see, children such as her daughter end up transferred to institutions around age 5 where they lay unattended to until they eventually die - most often below the age of ten. My friend DID rescue this child from such a fate. She was so severely chastised by fellow adoptive parents for using the word "rescue", most claiming to be Christ followers, that she removed her blog post. I saw a few of the remarks after her post and could not believe the harshness, the haughtiness and the downright nastiness of some of the comments. Most of them came from fellow bloggers with addys like "livingforJesus@ . . " or "childofhteking@ . . ."

I, myself, have received a few comments or private emails since entering the blog world that have expressed sentiments along this same vein. I used a word that offended. I expressed an opinion that someone felt was unfair. That is to be expected. Blogging puts you "out there" in ways that keeping a private journal never will. We bloggy types have to develop a little thicker skin in order to share our hearts with an unknown readership.
I actually LIKE a little dissension if it's phrased respectfully and comes from someone who seems to have well-thought-out ideas. It falls under the "iron sharpening iron" category and makes me think, sometimes even rethink and investigate. It holds me accountable. (Although "Trish in Texas" who called me a "child collector" was just a jealous meanie - no iron to sharpen my iron there. . . ha ha . . how do you like me now, Trish? Here comes number SIX . . . boo yah!).   Ahem . .

Some might be thinking "why blog at all?". After all, isn't it a little self promoting? Isn't it the cyber version of reality TV? What makes me any better than the Kardashians?   I would submit to you that, for me, blogging is none of those.    I blog for two reasons. First, I genuinely feel that in some small way, my blog can help or encourage another family - especially a family considering adoption. Second, God has just been so amazingly, surpassingly GOOD to our family, despite our many many shortcomings, that I find this blog a great venue for lifting HIM up.   That's it. I'm not trying to change anyone's doctrine or guilt them into adopting the most disabled kid on the block. I certainly don't think readers should aspire to emulate our family, except to open their lives to Jesus and say "here we are. . . do what you want!".

I'm asking readers to consider one small question. If you are a Christ follower and happen to blog or comment on blogs, ask yourself if the item you are about to post does more to build up or tear down the body of Christ. After all, many non Believers read blogs, too . . . and comments. What a great witness we might be if we learn to approach one another in love and humility!

With that in mind, I say to "Trish in Texas", whatever pain has come into your life to make you such a bitter, angry, critical, mean spirited woman, rest assured, Jesus can heal you and give you a new set of eyes to see children the way He sees them. They are worth it, Trish. Every cent, every tear and every trip to the doctor.
I am privileged to have such a beautiful "collection".

What a Difference A Year Makes

2011-06-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

What kind of narcissist sits around reading her own blog posts from a year ago?? Yeah . . . that would be me (ha ha). I ran across the following quote from a blog entry I typed on June 5, 2010 . . . almost exactly a year ago. It said:

"I am absolutely loving this time of year. It's hot and humid and practically every day is capped off by an evening thunderstorm or rain shower.
In spite of all the joy, I have little peace. I committed the cardinal sin of reading through Christian Adoption Service's latest list of waiting children. Those of you who know me at all know exactly where this post is headed . . . yes, I am hopelessly in love with a child on the list. I have his file. I know it by heart. He is older (almost 15) and had a very rough start in life. He is in a Christian orphanage, loves Jesus, plays music, sings and even has an "emo" haircut like my oldest son. He ages out in one year and will be unadoptable."

I went on to discuss how there was no way the Inter Country Adoption Board would allow us to start the process so soon after Ezekiel's adoption, and how we were still recovering financially from Zeke's adoption anyway. I went on to lament that my husband was not ready to adopt again . .. blah, blah blah . . . I'll bet the whole time I'm typing the Lord is looking at me with a shrug and thinking "maybe you should ask ME what I think about this adoption"!

Isn't that CRAZY? This post was written only three months after Ezekiel came home and several months before the ICAB consented to allow us to pursue Francis' adoption! Now I know more than just his FILE by heart, I know his voice, his mannerisms, his accent, so many things that the pieces of paper could not convey. I know how perfectly he's going to fit in over here. I know he never fully gave up hope as he waited for a family. I know he is ours. That was the plan all along. It couldn't be better. I can't grieve over the 15 years we didn't know him, I can only rejoice in the next 15 . . .or 50 . . . that we get to be present!
I KNOW that by the end of this month, Lord willing, we will be face to face!

Ephesians 3:20-21

English Standard Version (ESV)

²⁰⁾ Now tohim who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think,according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Hey, Preacher . . .Leave My Joe Alone!

2011-05-29T05:14:00.000-07:00

I love to read. I would read all day if I could. I love fiction, biographies, Bible commentaries, mysteries and teen literature like "Twilight" and "The Hunger Games".    I recently read two books that I would consider life-changing and have discussed one of them on this blog many many posts ago. The books are "Radical" and "Radical Together" by Dr. David Platt, a young and very passionate pastor from Birmingham, Alabama.

Long before I laid eyes on these books, God led our family to do a few things that may seem a little radical. He convicted us to downsize our home and to become debt free. These are not things we did for the sake of the "doing" but in order to free up our finances for whatever He calls us to. My hope has always been that He would call us to foreign missions in The Philippines. He may. He knows our hearts are open.
In any case, because our family was already re prioritizing, some things, these books "hit the spot" and I devoured them in a day or two each.    My husband did as well.

There was one discussion in "Radical Together" that is, what I would consider a "speed bump" in my complete agreement with Dr. Platt. It's the notion of cofffee and lattes as symbols of our American misprioritization. Yes, silly and trivial, I know. It seems to come up periodically in blogs of the mission-minded and now, in the pages of my own favorite extra-Biblical material. Apparently, those of us who enjoy a latte should be pierced with guilt when we buy one. Check out this blog post by a big, beautiful, multi racial family that seems to truly be seeking to change the world for Jesus click here . Again, a woman I'm sure I would find like-minded and passionate. Someone I could sit down over a cup of . . . er . . .water with and talk about the ways we want the Lord to use us during this short run on Earth. We would probably be kindreds.
It appears that impugning fellow Believers for buying $5 coffee at Starbucks is perfectly acceptable among those who are globally aware and have a heart to meet the physical needs of the lost and dying around the world.   I am always confused and often irritated at the fact that COFFEE has become the litmus test for our spiritual priorities.   Why not toothpaste???? Why don't books and blogs scoff at those who buy the expensive "Crest Complete" rather than the 98 cent "Aim"?   Why don't we nag families who claim to love the poor and yet purchase Nike's rather than thrift store tennis shoes for their children? How about those ipods and hand held video games? Wouldn't THAT money be better used in Botswana? Do you see where I'm going with this?   Do you understand why the "latte argument" is a strawman discussion?
Nobody knows the heart of another by what is in their paper coffee cup. Nobody!     The amount of money that we give to further the cause of the gospel is between Believers and their Savior. If you are convicted to switch to Folgers, by all means, switch.    Could we do more? Certainly. Our family could do more, give more, use less, be MORE Radical. But that is conviction that can only come from the Spirit of God.
Do you want to go REALLY radical? Ask God what He would have you sacrifice to further His kingdom and then do it - without expecting others to have the same convictions.
I am off to have my Latte Vente without the two lumps of guilt!

Blushing Under the Bag on My Head

2011-05-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

Soooo . . . my previous post contains what I hope to be my one-and-only, official public freak out of this whole adoption. That. Was. Rough. I allowed so many worries to take up residence in my heart and mind that I'm pretty sure they had children and grandchildren in my frontal lobe! I would like to say that it was simply prayer and Bible reading that calmed my fears and put my heart back on track but, truth be told, it was a little skype time with our new son that did the trick. What I failed to mention in my "worry wart" post was that we had missed a couple of skypes. I don' know how or why (we still didn't get to the bottom of what time we were each sitting at the computer but it was clearly NOT the same time - ha ha) but that started me on a worry binge that lasted waaay too long. The Enemy capitalized on niggling fears that were already present and I practically rolled out the red carpet for him!
I actually considered going back and erasing my previous post because, well . . let's face it . . it's not exactly in line with the person I want to be . .. but I decided not to. I decided that being real is far more important than saving face so, there you have it. I tried SO hard to pray my way through the worry and, for brief snatches of time, it helped. Sadly, the only REAL remedy to my fear was a tangible face to face conversation. I know there will come a day when just God's promises in His word are enough for me. I long for that day.
I'm just not there yet . . .

Psalm 145:13
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does.

It's All You Can Do

2011-05-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

I have an uneasiness in my spirit lately. I don't know exactly why or where it came from but I have been walking around with that feeling that is hard to explain. It's kind of like the feeling you get when you know you've put your foot in your mouth but you can't talk to the person you've offended to make it right. Does that make sense? It also feels like the feeling I had as a child when I knew I told a lie and it was just a matter of time before the truth came out. It's that pit-of-your-stomach ache. It has been dogging me the last couple of days.     I know it's in relation to our upcoming adoption because when I think about it, it gets worse. ( No, we're not having "cold feet". Not even close.)
I'm a Believer in Christ but I don't know much about spiritual warfare however, I do believe there is some of that going on in my mind. The Enemy has been whispering doubts in my ear (not audibly, don't worry - ha ha) that go something like this:
"He doesn't want to be a part of your family. You're second best.There's somewhere else he'd rather go."
"He's going to be very disappointed once he gets here and finds out how things are."
"Your lives are too boring - homeschooling, church, family events - nothing like the constant activity at the orphanage. He'll go stir crazy in your family."
and even worse . . .
"You're being used."

In my quiet time, I've been reading through Samuel. I could not WAIT to get into God's word this morning and pray through these terrible doubts and fears. In Samuel, God wanted a closeness with His chosen people that would be impossible when they were ruled by an earthly king. Even today, God is asking the same of me, imploring me not to trust my feelings or the lies of the enemy but to go straight to Him with my heart's concerns. He alone can make this path straight. He alone can silence the enemy and restore peace. I don't need to turn to friends for counsel or to supplemental books for explanations about His will. I just need to trust and obey - keep walking in what I know to be true and leave everything up to Him.

I came away from my quiet time with peace - peace that whatever happens with this adoption, with my family, my health, my children, I know that it is all under the authority of a loving and sovereign God.

I am feeling like I may need to take some practical steps to keep this peace in the forefront of my heart and mind. First, I feel like I need to step away from the computer a lot more. I have decided to log on only once in the morning and once at night, and only for a short time.   I have been "googling" things that I am fearful of and the results of my searches induce fear rather than peace.
Second, I realized that worries have colored my relationship with these wonderful children God has given me so I decided to take them out for a day at the movies just relaxing and having fun together. It was medicine for my soul! We saw "Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2" (because we really enjoyed #1) and I have to say that before, during and directly after the movie, I did not think about the things that are bothering me even once.
I have never struggled with much anxiety or persistent worry and I'm telling you, even this tiny peek into how it feels makes me so sad for people who do. It's all consuming.   The up side? I've lost a little weight (vanity, thy name is "Nikki" - ha ha).

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

2011-05-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

Good news abounds in our home related to our upcoming adoption of Francis! We have the date for his Visa Interview (mid-June) and a projected travel date (June 22nd)! I am in awe that we have made it to this point.
It seems just yesterday I was looking at his photo and file, wishing we could adopt him but knowing that it would take a miracle. Our miracle has come! God moved mountains and now all that stands between us and our new son are some squares on the calendar . . . oh . .. and a 24 hour plane ride (ha ha).
I can not think back over this adoption without counting the blessings one by one so, bear with me as I thank God for:
1. ICAB giving us permission to adopt just five months after bringing Ezekiel home (the rules say we have to wait two years before applying but due to Francis' age, the board made an exception).
2. Providing every cent needed for this endeavor through generous friends, family members, one fund raiser and our own hard work. We have paid for more than half of this adoption IN CASH with NO DEBT thanks to Dave Ramsey and Financial Peace University.
3. The wonders of technology! We have recently been granted permission to skype with Francis and
HE IS PRECIOUS. I could fill 20 blog posts with sweet, funny, serious and even tense things that we have discussed in our skypes but for now, I'm going to be like Mary and just ponder them in my heart. It somehow doesn't feel right to say too much about this subject except that skyping with Francis confirmed what we already knew - he's a great kid and he's going to fit perfectly into this family.
4. An adoption agency that stands behind us, goes to bat for us and trusts our instincts. Thank you, Christian Adoption Services, for bringing us to the final stages of a fourth Philippine adoption! There's no agency I'd rather have representing our family than CAS.
5. Teenage children with open hearts who are EXCITED about their new brother - nobody is whining about losing their place in the birth order. Nobody is griping about sharing their room or even their PARENTS with Francis. All of our kids are just as thrilled as we are that God has given us this opportunity.

I'll end the list here but it could go on and on. I'll share a photo I snapped during a recent skype session and ask a rhetorical question: "Doesn't he look like an E****vel?" One of mine, no doubt!

He's BA-AAAACK (You Know, the Poltergheist Deal)

2011-05-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

Friday was the BIG day. Lemuel rejoined our family full time! I drove up to the facility along with my two youngest children to bring him home for good. Withdrawal from the school and discharge from the facility were seamless. I had to sign a couple of forms and take the yellow copy for my records and we were back on the road for the two hour drive home. Although Lemuel has had many home visits during his time in treatment, I have to admit it's good to have him back home permanently. There's a different spirit among our whole family when we know a visit is just a visit.
Prior to heading up to the treatment center, we had a family devotion. We talked, we prayed and we asked the Lord to give us a new start with Lemuel. We talked about our part in the strained relationship and how we could start anew. It was a wonderful time where each member of our family prayed aloud and shared from the heart.
I have to say in complete honesty, it is great to have him home! I missed him. WE missed him.
We went out to dinner as a family to celebrate his return and made sure the conversation focused on him and his
"adventures" while he was away from us. He's a good kid and he really wants to start fresh. I know there will be setbacks because nobody's perfect but my heart's desire is that the setbacks just remind us of how far he's come. We need to be slow to anger, slow to speak and quick to listen. We need to focus on extending grace and forgiving even as we train and disciple.
Our adoption agency happened to be having a family picnic yesterday and the timing was great! There are several families with children from The Philippines and we have begun to form a tightly-knit group. Unfortunately, several of those families had to cancel their plans to attend the picnic last minute but one of my VERY FAVORITE families was in attendance. This family has 9 children, seven of them adopted from The Philippines. One of my friend's sons is super athletic, just like Lemuel. The two of them played basketball, soccer, fished and just hung out. What a blessing!

The picture above was taken yesterday at the picnic. Lemuel is on the far left in the black t-shirt followed by three of my friends teenagers. My sweet Kyle is in front in the orange shirt while our oldest son holds Ezekiel right behind him. Two of that same friend's children follow and then our only daughter in the tank top. Finally, my friend's youngest son, a real fireball and so adorable, is on the far right. As my husband was grouping these kids up to take their photo, my friend and I had a laugh over the fact that all of these children come from just two families (and she is missing 3 of her kids while we are missing Francis, who hasn't come home yet). The picture at next year's picnic should really be a beautiful sight! We stood silently for just a second as we realized simultaneously just how blessed we are.
Everything is just the way it's supposed to be. God ordained. He has brought each person to our table at the time He chose with needs that were fully known to Him. And HE IS GOOD.

Sabotage It Is, Then!

2011-05-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

This morning I am awakened bright and early by a phone call from the cottage where Lemuel resides for just three more days before coming home for good. The staff member is gentle with me as she shares that there has been "an incident" this morning. Apparently, a stash of candy bars went missing from the cottage. Each client was interviewed separately and each one, including Lemuel, vehemently denied taking the candy. Less than ten minutes after the denial, a staff member walks by Lemuel's room and notices him vigorously stuffing items into small bag and then stuffing the small bag into a larger bag . . . yeah . . . do I even need to type the end of this story? No. But for my eternally optimistic friends, I will acquiesce. The staff member empties the bags and finds said candy. Uneaten. The staff member instructs Lemuel to empty his pockets and finds empty wrappers. Lemuel hangs his head and through chocolatey teeth says "please don't call my mom. She won't want to bring me home."   SIGH . . .
The most fascinating part of this little story is that Lemuel doesn't even LIKE candy. Here at home, his Halloween or Easter candy can sit for months untouched. He might eat a little piece now and then but he is NOT a big fan of sugar.
I have read more than once that children with attachment issues often sabotage any good thing that comes their way. I have to believe that this completely out of character act is, in truth, an attempt to do just that. I am worried about what he may do between now and Friday. I am worried that if it isn't an act of sabotage I now have a thief on my hands - a new side of him to be sure.   Not something that would be easy to contend with in a home where keys, loose change, cell phones and snack foods are in no short supply (have I just issued a collective invitation for every marauder in a 50 mile radius to come a-calling?).
Much of the flowery, fluffy, Spirit-driven resolve I have been feeling the last few days evaporated with that phone call. What came flashing back in to my mind was the way our family has been poured out on this kid for years and the return on that investment? Not so good.
Does this act of dishonesty change anything? Not yet. We still do not feel released to go in any other direction so we stay the course.   It is with a little less wind in our sails but we press on.
To smile, hug and welcome him home with open arms and cheer is going to take an act of God.
It's a good thing HE lives here, too.

When Your "Yes" is "Yes" (Lemuel's Story Part 2)

2011-05-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

Many of you read and commented on my blog post related to our son, Lemuel, who came to us through two disrupted adoptions (see post here ). Much has gone on in Lemuel's life since I posted that heartfelt account. Some good. Some not so good. Lemuel is currently in a residential treatment facility. He has been there for months. He calls every night and keeps the conversation as "surface" as he possibly can. He's an expert.
Right now, we stand at a crossroads. The facility has offered to help us take the steps necessary to place him into therapeutic foster care. For weeks, my husband I prayed about and agonized over this decision. We reached out to Godly friends and family members for prayer. We shared the situation with our two oldest children. This decision is what drew me to write my previous post about feeling like I don't know the Lord as well as I ought.   This should be a "no brainer" in terms of decision-making, right? God gave us a child and we should keep and raise him to the best of our ability, right? Maybe. Maybe not.
You see, Lemuel comes home for monthly visits. During his March home visit, he fidgeted and squirmed for the first hour of the car ride home. It was just him and me. I asked him why he was acting so nervous and he replied "I have something to tell you but I don't want to hurt your feelings."
"Oh, great", I thought "he's done something inappropriate and here comes the confession . . ."
but instead I said "Lemuel, you can tell me anything. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I'm a big girl."
"Okay", he said taking a deep breath "I just wanted to tell you that I don't love you. Or dad. Or anyone."
"I know that", I said matter of factly "but even if you don't love me, I still love you. I think you WILL love us someday but a lot of people have hurt you and it's hard for you to trust."
At this point, Lemuel began to cry. Just quietly, and look for a fast food napkin in the glove box.
"I WANT to", he said in a quivering voice "but I just don't know how."
"Fair enough," I replied "how do you KNOW you don't love us?".
He responded "because I hurt you guys. I lie. I cheat. I'm mean. Because I don't feel any love in my heart. You don't hurt people if you love them."
"Sometimes you do" I offered "but usually it's an accident and usually you feel very sorry afterward. Most of the time you apologize and try to make it right."
"I never do those things" he said "or if I do, I don't mean it."
We talked about God's never ending supply of love and forgiveness. We talked about trusting Him to heal us and that sometimes healing takes time. It was an unusually lucid conversation for this particular child.
Lemuel then proceeded to turn on the radio in the van, find a rap station and start to dance in his seat.
Conversation over. I got it.
Fast forward a few weeks. Lemuel went back to his placement and our little town was swarmed with tornadoes. We lost power for 24 hours. From Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon, we were "in the dark." At exactly 7pm, after power was restored, the phone rang. It was phone time at the treatment facility so I thought it might be Lemuel. I answered and he burst into tears.   He was beside himself. Hysterical.
"What's going ON?" I asked.
"I heard about the tornadoes on the news and I called and called but you never answered! I'm just so happy to hear your voice" he wailed.
"Oh, so you DO love me?" I teased.   He started to laugh and answered "I know. I do."
Time went by. Placement continued and our phone calls and visits were fine. Sometimes he would call to report he had broken a rule and received discipline, other times he had interpersonal problems with staff or other clients and some calls were just a run down of his daily activities.
This brings us up to today and "THE DECISION". Foster care or coming home? The staff left the decision up to us. It was NOT the cut-and-dried, simple answer type decision. It was a spiritual battle for many days. Lemuel's presence in our home can make things more difficult. He isn't altogether trustworthy. The other kids in the family tend to avoid interaction with him. He doesn't play fair. He is silly and immature. His comments often don't make sense and he speaks like an authority on things he knows nothing about. Exhausting!
We discussed the possibility that God was releasing us from the burden of parenting him. We talked about how nice a fresh start might be for him. We said that maybe we are only supposed to be PART of Lemuel's journey and that God may have another family out there who will think he's the best thing that's ever happened to them. We recalled the time he said he didn't love us. Maybe he would be GLAD if we offered him a way out. We talked and talked until we had let ourselves off the hook completely. . . even had some peace about it.
But then, there was Ariel, Lemuel's oldest biological sibling still living in a shelter in The Philippines. We promised Ariel we would take good care of Lemuel. He's counting on us to do for Lem what nobody ever did for him as a child- to be "forever". Then there were all those promises we made to Lemuel since he was eight years old. We were going to be just another set of big, fat liars if we let him go. He would expect it and grow even harder of heart.Then there was the notion of what our other adopted children would think. Would they worry that they, too, were just one lie away from being put out of our home? How awful!
More than all those considerations, was one defining factor. God called and we answered. We said "here we are, use us" and He did. He is. It is a messy affair and painful beyond anything I have ever experienced. We want to do what honors our Savior and makes His name great among those who know our situation. That's all that really matters in this life.
So, with that goal as our aim, I called Lemuel last night and told him that in one week, he was coming home for good. He was so happy! He said "should I start packing tonight?".   I laughed and told him I would let him know when to pack.
I know this isn't going to be easy but so often, what is right is hard. What is right is painful but the real peace that comes from taking the hard road is the reward.
Any/all prayers are coveted for our family. Lemuel IS getting his "fresh start", just not in a foster home!
Praise be to our Heavenly Father who takes us places we never thought we'd go but holds us tightly all the way!

Do I Know You?

2011-05-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Jesus,
I have come to the realization that I don't know You very well. I thought I did. I have been a follower of yours since I was eight years old. I have been in church and even had fairly consistent quiet times since high school. I've LED Bible studies, women's groups, children and homeschool families. I have lost count of the number of praise songs and solos I have belted out and I believed I meant each word.
I have been a speaker on topics from adoption to salvation and yet, You and I are still getting acquainted. You are nothing like the fair-haired, blue eyed, gentle soul in the toddler Bible I read to my children. You ask hard things of me. You don't deliver me from pain the moment I ask. Sometimes You seem silent when I need You most. Often your word tastes bland when I am my hungriest. The desires of my heart have been put on hold by You while You refine an aspect of my character I thought was insignificant. I have so many questions about why you have allowed certain people and situations into my life. I have been crying "uncle" but my arm is still being held and twisted. I have often prayed that You would take my life and use it but when You take me up on that offer, it's not in the way I meant. I meant you could have SOME of my time, SOME of my money, SOME of my effort but not THIS much. Not my family! Not the secret dark places where I like to hide and have some "me time". But YOU have the right. You bought me with Your precious life blood. You own me. You made me and chose me for no other reason but that it pleased You to do so. So I buck and kick and scream in rebellion against the Only Wise God. I come to the place You were taking me all along, a little more battered and bruised. A little more humbled. A little more scuffed than I would have been had I just submitted to Your will right away.
I just wanted to write You this simple "Thank You" note for being patient with me. Thank you for NOT giving me what I truly deserve. Thank You for protecting me from my own ignorance. Thank You for continuing to be faithful when I am faithless. Thank You for these trials and hard times. It seems in these moments, I know You best. I see You most clearly. More of You, less of me.
Yours Forever,
Nikki

Finishing Well

2011-05-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

Before I share an update on our adoption, I have to say, the Pacquiao fight was pretty good but could have been better. It only got exciting in the last two rounds (12 round fight) when, after being pushed to the ground by his opponent but being accused of being KNOCKED DOWN, Manny decided to stop being so nice and start seriously swinging!!   Enough of my guilty pleasure and on to more important matters . . . our adoption!

About a week ago, we received our letter from the National Visa Center letting us know that the cable has been sent to the US Embassy in Manila alerting them of our approval. I, of course, called the US Embassy as soon as possible and was told by the officer that our paperwork has been sent on the ICAB for processing. As of today, I believe that is where the paperwork sits. ICAB (Inter Country Adoption Board) has to fill out some portion of the paperwork, send it back the Embassy and schedule Francis' visa interview appointment.
We are most definitely in the home stretch but this is also an unpredictable time. If the Embassy is fairly booked, he may not get an interview appointment for several weeks. If the ICAB is back logged, they may not get his paperwork filled out for several weeks. I know all of these things will come to pass but I just can't say when.
Realistically, I think we are looking at an end-of-June to first-week-of-July travel date.   Francis will be with us about a month and a half before his sixteenth birthday. It's what I prayed for. I wanted the Lord to let him turn sixteen here, with us.

I ask for continued prayer for the last of this process. I have complete faith that God will allow everything to come to completion.   He began this good thing and He is faithful to see it through! Praise His holy, matchless, perfect name!

Because I Said So!

2011-05-07T05:50:00.000-07:00

My family does a GREAT job of honoring me on Mother's Day. I am not a big "gift" person - it's just not my love language - but I DO love a sappy card, hugs and kisses and having my family be extra considerate as ways of expressing their appreciation. This year, however, I asked for a gift. I asked for my husband to purchase the Manny Pacquiao fight on pay-per-view. This isn't the cheapest gift on Earth. We have to pay about $60 to watch what may prove to be a VERY short program. It doesn't matter to me. I truly love watching boxing and especially Pac-Man. He has done amazing things to improve the lives of many Filipinos. He is generous and giving. Although he is a terror in the ring, during the post-match interviews, he is one humble dude.
ANYTIME I ask for ANYTHING that costs money, I always struggle with whether or not I am being selfish. I know that the Bible says that God gave us "all good things to enjoy" (I Tim. 6:17) but I am a person who truly doesn't NEED anything! I'm not trying to be all hyper spiritual. I haven't taken a vow of poverty. I KNOW I can't scrape my children's uneaten food into a box and mail it to China . . . I never impose that kind of thinking on my kids because guilt, although a powerful tool in the short term has terrible long-lasting consequences. I do not struggle with spending money on myself because of guilt. I struggle because of my convictions regarding stewardship. God has blessed our family in crazy ways. I just want to be sure that everything we spend honors Him. On the other hand, it's SO easy to over spiritualize your daily life in such a way that you're just NO FUN anymore. Do you know those kinds of people? The kind of person who responds to a comment like "ugh . . . it's raining AGAIN" with "praise the Lord for the rain that feeds the Earth in the same way His spirit quenches our deepest thirst". Yeah . . . a barrel of laughs, a party favorite, a real riot . . .
So, I am off to make some rockin' good sausage dip and watch the fight with my family. Why? Because it's almost Mother's Day and I SAID SO!~

Bravo!

2011-05-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take a short walk down a bunny trail and share a little obnoxious Mama pride! Two of my teens were in the Phantom of the Opera this previous weekend and I was SO SO PROUD of them! This particular version of Phantom is one written specifically for Christian actors. The focus of this Phantom is sharing the gospel with the audience through theater. My children were in the chorus, dance numbers and a "fight scene". They, and the entire cast, blessed me to no end. The music, costumes, sets and talent just blew me away but the
message of Christ's undaunted pursuit of our hearts and our holiness truly moved me.
Christian Youth Theater . . . . YOU ROCK!!!!!

The Whole Cast (Above) / Phantom and Madame Giry (Below)

My daughter cutting a throat (Below)

My oldest son at the masquerade (below)

My oldest on in a fight scene (below/far right)

My oldest son and his "wife"

My oldest son and his "wife" again (far left)

My daughter at the masquerade

My Daughter (left) and her BFF

A Time and Place for Everything

2011-04-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, a famous American actress named Claire Danes flew to The Philippines to film parts of the movie "Brokedown Palace". . . does anyone remember this movie? I never saw it but I did read a LOT about the backlash after Ms. Danes described The Philippines as "a dump". I recall hearing that Filipinos burned her DVDs and videos publicly and denounced her in the media. They would not patronize her movies and many theaters refused to even offer her movies. I honestly don't blame them one bit. I would have done the same.
I'm sure the employees at the hotel where she stayed were extremely gracious to her. I have no doubt, because of what I know of the culture, that she was treated with deference and respect on her trip and how did she "thank" the people of the country? By being critical and ungrateful.

To a lesser degree, I see this same attitude SOMETIMES in adoptive parents. They often blog and speak about the conditions of the orphanage their child came from. They share publicly how much dental work or "deworming" their new child required upon return home. They lament the outgrown clothing and lack of shoes among the children and express great pity for the lack of toys, resources, etc. that their child in orphanage care received.
I would caution parents that even if all of these observations are true, sharing them publicly whether on a blog, facebook, or even while speaking to a group at church is something that has to be weighed and taken seriously.
First, discussing those issues online is never a "private" affair. In this age of technology, a comment can go from Canada to Katmandu in mere seconds. Do you really want to risk the people who loved your child, took him in at their own expense, prayed for and protected him, seeing you tell the world how deficient his care was?
Second, often these types of discussions belie our feelings that we have "rescued a poor, pitiful orphan" rather than the truth of the matter which is that adoptive parents have been entrusted with a priceless gift.
Third, often (but not always) caregivers are doing the best they can with the resources at their disposal. Sometimes those resources are meager at best. In some countries, the governments do not spend any money at all caring for orphans. In still other countries, cultural biases against orphans is rampant. It is well known in the adoption community that Eastern Europe has a bad reputation for providing care to their orphans. What benefit is it for a family adopting from there to come home and cry out about the deplorable conditions of the orphanage? Will that effect cultural and governmental change or more likely, close the orphanage or country down to adoptive parents and trap babies there needlessly? I can't say for sure but I wouldn't want to take the risk. Our American mentality tells us that we NEED to blow the whistle every chance we get. We are the justice makers in the world and kicking up enough dust will make someone take notice. That may work in some situations but, again, discernment trumps noise making any day!
Finally, I'd like to remind my fellow adoptive parents about the "toothpaste analogy" . . . words can not be taken back just like toothpaste squeezed from a tube can not be put back in. Out of respect for your child, who will not be a "baby" forever, consider keeping their "lice, boils, chronic diarrhea, worms,warts and birth histories" a private matter. They'll need to make friends in your community. They may go to school, church and parks with families who will remember the "contagious lip scum" story you told last year!
Does this post imply we should never utter a word about the conditions from which our child hailed? Absolutely not! What I would encourage is that we, as adoptive parents, investigate WHY we feel the need to share these things, with WHOM they should be shared and what benefit will arise from sharing them.
If I have ever shared anything private about my children simply to shock another person, elicit pity or make myself look more spiritual, I confess it now as sin and vow to never do it again! When my kids are older, able and ready, they'll share what they want to share with those whom they trust. Until then, Lord keep my lips (and fingers) from inflicting harm and help me to be a good steward of these marvelous gifts!

Maybe Just a Little Bit

2011-04-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

First, I want to say "THANK YOU" to anyone and everyone who prayed about my near-panic regarding the USCIS approval. I just found out that the National Visa Center received that approval about two hours ago!!!! Tomorrow the cable goes to the US Embassy in Manila so they can schedule Francis' visa/medical appointments. I am so incredibly blessed and grateful that I know I can send out the plea for prayer and people do! Another 6-8 weeks should be enough to pray this boy home.

THANK YOU!!!!!!

I WILL NOT PANIC . . . I WILL NOT PANIC . . . I WILL . . . .AAAAAHHHHH

2011-04-25T18:01:00.000-07:00

Today I called the National Visa Center to check on the immigration progress of Francis' adoption. I called as a mere formality since it's been more than a week since our USCIS approval and the notice from USCIS gets to the National Visa Center in just a day or two. The officer from the NVC felt "concerned" and asked me to call back in one hour to speak to a supervisor! Her "concern" was based on the fact that NVC has not yet been notified of our approval!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For Ezekiel's adoption, approval was given to the NVC the same day our USCIS officer approved the petition.
I know anyone reading this who has never adopted internationally was probably lost by line two. I'm sorry for not taking the time to walk through the process in this post. Those of you who HAVE been down this road probably understand all too well why I am on edge right now. I will be on the phone too much tomorrow
I have two choices here. I can get upset, feel panicky and worry or I can take this situation to the Lord and trust the One who has always been faithful. I am definitely fighting my own human nature on this one but am choosing option #2. Why? Because "I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is faithful to keep that which has been entrusted to me until that day." 2 Tim.1:12

Please pray . . .

Bleak

2011-04-22T06:43:00.000-07:00

As "Good Friday" begins, I feel a somberness in my heart that always accompanies pondering the crucifixion of Jesus. For Believers at the time of Christ, today represents the darkest of days. The death of their Hope, the darkening of the sky, the tearing of the veil between the common Jew and the Holy of Holies . The intentional distancing of themselves from their Master in order to "save their own skins". . . human weakness magnified as it appeared the enemy was victorious. . . We know now what they could not be sure of back then - that Jesus was going to conquer death and live again - in the flesh, in just three short days. Can you imagine the confusion and pain of those three days for the disciples? They heard many claims and promises from Jesus while He walked with them but the facts as they stood were that Jesus was dead, there was a huge stone and armed guards at His tomb and it appeared to be turning out "wrong". Maybe some held the faith. Maybe some encouraged others by saying "just hold on . . . this can't be the end . . . He's going to do something amazing, just wait and see . . . " but this sort of exchange is not recorded in God's word. His followers scattered, his disciples gathered together to mourn, to commiserate and most likely to keep a low profile for safety's sake.
If only they knew what was to come . . . how different those three days would have been! Maybe they would have gone boldly into the streets saying "just you wait and see . . . He's coming back and nobody can stop Him"!
Maybe they would have gathered together at someone's home to eat, celebrate and have a party to thank God in ADVANCE for what He was about to do.
You and I are on THIS SIDE of the cross, dear friends! We can do all that celebrating and more because we have the benefit of knowing with complete confidence that what God says, He does!

"O death, where is your victory?O death, where is your sting?" I Cor. 15:55

A Little Less Waiting, A Little More Praising

2011-04-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

Just since my post last Monday, a few things on the "what are we waiting for" list can be checked off! Our I-800 has been approved by homeland security and our new passports have arrived! I praise the Lord for bringing those things to pass. With those two events, the sting of waiting has increased a bit. As we get closer to a travel date, the ache in my heart has definitely intensified. Our whole family feels it but what can we do? There's no choice but to wait so I take that "ache" straight to my Father in Heaven and tell Him what He already knows. I tell him how unbelievably grateful our family is to be chosen for this adoption but also how hard it is to be patient. He reminds me of how short the wait for Kyle and Ezekiel seems now that it's in the rear view mirror. I laugh because, even after the many times He has carried me through I start to think "but this wait is a lot different . . .". And it is. This wait is for an entirely different person. This wait will change our lives in different ways from the others. This person comes to us with different needs, hopes and plans.
Anyone who believes adoption is a "good deed" or an act of charity has clearly never adopted. Adoption is, for the adoptive family, like being given an enormous, priceless gift that you always wanted but know you don't truly deserve. Human life is God's best creation. He said it in Genesis, He redeemed it with His blood, He pursues it with His love. He goes to great lengths to have relationship with it. There's nothing so precious to our Father as human life so, to be entrusted with yet another one . . . "humbling" does not even begin to touch the way our family feels.

While I wait, I concentrate on the blessings that already sleep under this roof every night (the dogs, fish and gecko included). Let me share just a few:

Our oldest son at his junior prom

Daddy and daughter formal photo

Sweet and funny Kyle

Ezekiel - the perfect baby!

Lemuel - always ready for an adventure

Matthew 7:11 (English Standard Version)

¹¹If you then,who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

Spared

2011-04-17T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, tornadoes ripped across the state of North Carolina! We knew a few days prior that severe weather was expected but we had no idea just how "severe" it was to be. My two oldest children had play practice all day on Saturday and rode in a carpool. As the time for them to come home drew near, the sky became more and more black. We are used to thunderstorms in the part of the country so I prayed that the kids would arrive home safely before the rain made it hard for the driver to see. By the time the carpool pulled into my driveway, I knew much more than a thunderstorm was on the horizon. The sky was extremely black, the wind was whipping and the air was a strange mix of warm and cold. I asked the whole carpool to come into our house and wait awhile while the storm passed. We ate popsicles, played Uno and chatted. The rain poured and the wind howled. Our electricity went out and stayed out.
After about an hour, the sky cleared and the carpool left. We were soon informed by one of the carpool members that power lines near our home were down on the ground, trees were mangled and the roof was blown from a mobile home. A friend called my cell phone to inform us that she had no doubts that a tornado ripped through our town - about 3 miles from my own front door.
My husband suggested we pile into the van and survey the damage reported by my friends. I could not believe what I saw! There were three cars under large, old trees. There were homes with sections of shingles missing, power lines literally on the street and many thick trees snapped in half. We went home to put batteries into an old radio and discovered that the damage had been widespread. More than 14 lives were reportedly lost within a 25 miles radius of our town and several people are still missing.
My heart breaks for those who experienced true devastation from this storm. I know the Bible says that God causes the rain to fall on the just and the wicked. In other words, it is not accurate to believe the "good people" were spared damage and the "bad people" were hardest hit. That's not how God works. Pain, trials and loss come to everyone, saved or lost. The difference comes in the response to those trials. When we walk in a personal relationship with Christ, we can trust in His sovereignty and know that He does everything for His glory and for our good. It's hard to fathom how a tornado could be used for "good" but God always makes a way. Beauty from ashes. You can count on it!
Pics from nearby: (click on the photo to maximize)

TWO WORDS!!!!!!

2011-04-16T04:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday an amazing event occurred that made my mother's heart practically explode! My precious, wondrous, determined little Ezekiel put two words together! Ezekiel has about 15 signs and only four or five words that are not entirely intelligible unless you have spent a lot of time with him and really know him. Yesterday my sweet husband woke up early and went to Dunkin' Donuts to bring us breakfast. Ezekiel loves doughnuts. After eating the small piece I had given him, he hopped down from his kitchen chair, went right over to the counter where the remaining doughnuts sat and signed "please". I looked at him and asked "what?". He said, as clearly as I've ever heard him speak . . . . MORE PLEASE!!!!!!! I sat in stunned silence for about four seconds and then screamed "ANTHONY . . . EZEKIEL JUST PUT TWO WORDS TOGETHER"!!!!!!!
Of course, when asked to repeat himself - no dice. Apparently he's a one-trick pony and does not do encores. It doesn't matter. He spoke. It was clear and spontaneous. He's my wonder baby and, to us, every gain is worth celebrating. Did he get more doughnut? You'd better believe it! A whole one all to himself! He earned it.

What Are We Waiting For????

2011-04-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

We are inching closer to bringing Francis home with each day that passes! We are waiting for our new passports to arrive in the mail as well as our I-800 approval (Francis' immigration clearance) from US Homeland Security.
After that approval, a cable is sent to to the US Embassy in Manlia informing them that he can be scheduled for his visa interview. If everything goes without a hitch, we are expecting to be in Manila the first week of JUNE!!
I would, of course, love to leave tomorrow, even if it meant throwing my toothbrush in my purse and paying the enormous "you didn't book this two weeks out" fare but rules are rules.
We have never before adopted an older child who can grasp what is happening. I think that is the difference in my ability to maintain some sanity during this wait. I believe these final weeks will be important to Francis as he says goodbye to the people who have loved him the most for the longest. He will have to be our son until he's 25 years old before we have had him as long as his current placement. He has been there a LONG time! I have some lingering fears that after the initial "thrill" of being adopted and coming to the states, his grief over missing his loved ones in The Philippines will be something to be reckoned with. That is something only time will tell and only prayer will cover.
I have prayed more in the last couple of months than the previous two years combined, I think. God has amazed us with His infinite provision during this adoption. It seems just weeks ago I was crying out to Him and asking if He would make a way for this adoption and now, we wait for the final approval to bring Francis home. My stomach literally does flips when I think of how close I came to giving up on this one. The mountains looked too tall to move and too steep to climb. The finances were not in our account and the rules were clear that we could NOT adopt until Ezekiel had been home for two years. In the midst of the feelings of defeat, I heard that still small voice saying to press on. It confused me and I often thought "oh, that's just my mother's heart wanting to adopt again. It can't be the Lord. Hasn't He seen the obstacles?"   Oh, me of little faith! Not only had my Heavenly Father seen the obstacles, He created them!
He then moved them and showed Himself faithful, as always. If I ever have another crisis of faith, I only need get out my private journal and read the story of Francis' adoption. I am reminded when I read that God does not submit to man and He does whatever He pleases.    How great and merciful and altogether loving is my Savior who pours out on me every blessing, never holding back except for the sake of teaching me to trust.

"Great is Thy faithfulness oh God, my father

There is no shadow or turning with Thee.

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not.

As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning, new mercies I see.

All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!"

Pray For Our Leaders

2011-04-08T03:47:00.000-07:00

Most of you know that our president and congress are in heated discussion right now regarding our federal budget. You have probably also heard that the federal government may "shut down" if a satisfactory budget is not agreed upon today. Please join me in praying for wisdom for our leaders! A government shut down, even a short one, can have far reaching consequences. Many military families live paycheck to paycheck. Imagine even a one-week delay in receiving that much-anticipated check!
In our own little sphere, a government shut down could hit us right in the heart - our immigration paperwork for Francis' adoption is awaiting approval. He is rapidly approaching 16 years old . . . I refuse to say more and give life to the fears I have but I am asking anyone who reads this post to pray for NO SHUTDOWN!

My prayer goes something like this:
Lord,
You know every detail of what is going on in our government. Please give supernatural wisdom to all the decision-makers in Washington and help them to reach a compromise that honors You. I pray that each and every military family would be cared for from your hand. Protect them and provide for them as they serve.
Father, You know my heart is full of fear right now regarding the possible slow down in our adoption paperwork if a shut down occurs. Help me to trust You fully and to never forget that not even a sparrow falls to the ground apart from Your notice ( Matt. 10:29). You have this all in Your hand. Be glorifed in it, I pray.
Amen

Why Do They DO That?

2011-04-06T17:11:00.000-07:00

It is an incomprehensible mystery. One I have never been able to gather enough facts to solve. One that comes up in every single adoption support group or adoption-related yahoo group of which I have been a part.

Why do well-meaning friends and family members feel the need to play "Captain Obvious" and point out all the pitfalls of adoption?

If you are an adoptive parent and you have NEVER been asked one of the following questions, you are either completely estranged from your extended family or very blessed (or both):
1. What if your new child has attachment disorder?
2. Who will take care of your special needs child when you die?
3. Is this adoption really fair to the "other children"?
4. What if there's a hereditary disease in the adopted child's family and it comes out after he/she is home?
5. What if you don't feel the same type/amount of love for the adopted child that you do for your others?
6. What if you get pregnant while in the adoption process? You'll back out, right?
7. Why would you adopt out of birth order? The experts say . . .
8. How are you going to pay for this adoption?
9. What if the child grows up and wants his/her "real parents"?

WHY??????

For the record, let me state that those of us who adopt children with Down Syndrome KNOW that we will likely never have an empty nest. We know that the siblings of said child will probably have to give care to their disabled sibling someday. WE GET IT. It was all considered prior to "signing on the dotted line". I was actually told by a concerned loved one that "special needs children are cute when they're little but they do grow up". (Sheesh . . . I never thought of that! They actually GROW? Well, no deal, then!)

If one more person asks me about adopting out of birth order, I may just burst into tears. I realize experts have said that adopting out of birth order can cause problems. We have talked to all of our children about the ramifications of bringing a big brother, second in sibling command, into the family. Everyone who actually lives in this house is just fine with the idea. They are all that counts.

Dear friends, what our concerned loved ones are saying when they challenge us on our adoptions is something painful to imagine. They are stating in no uncertain terms that the nameless, faceless, fatherless child across the ocean is not as valuable or important as our own precious offspring. THAT child wasn't born into our family so we aren't really obligated to go out of our way to help. . .NOT OUR PROBLEM. I believe that as soon as we know about the orphan crisis, it becomes our "problem" as Believers. As I have mentioned before, not every Believer is called to adopt but we are all called to help. There's no option there.

Our friends and family members are absolutely saying these things out of concern. They don't want to see us sign up for "the hard road" in life. The sacrifice required to adopt is great and they know this. Adoption is expensive, it is time consuming, is can be heart rending and there are no guarantees about the mental and physical health of the child coming into our families. We often have to leave our biological children and fly across three oceans and two continents to bring our new child home. It is very inconvenient, indeed. EXTREMELY inconvenient! That is the definition of the word "sacrifice". Giving of ourselves even when it hurts. Making decisions that others may think are crazy, radical or nonsensical but doing it anyway because we know that where God calls, He equips.

If you have a naysayer in your life who is dampening the joy of your calling, I would challenge you today to show that person compassion. Know that they are probably saying these things out of love for you and your current family and then gently and lovingly remind them that life is not a spectator sport and God has called you to get off the bench and play first string! Share the scripture below with them and then get to work!
Down, set . . . hut!!!!

"Whoever receives you receives me, and^(BJ) whoever receives me receives him who sent me. ⁴¹^(BK) The one who receives a prophet because he is a prophet will receive a prophet’s reward, and the one who receives a righteous person because he is a righteous person will receive a righteous person’s reward. ⁴²And^(BL) whoever gives one of^(BM) these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward." Matthew 10:40-42

Why Getting Older ROCKS!!!!

2011-04-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

I am now a woman "in my 40s" and I'll tell you, there are some pretty crummy things about aging. For example, I have to use Oil of Olay AND Clearasil on the same day sometimes. Sadly, the young guys working at stores now say "yes ma'am" to me and it wounds my pride. Worse yet, to my shock and horror, I found a WHISKER on my chin the other day!!!! Yes, you read that correctly. I found an honest-to-goodness wiry hair on my chin and to top it off, it was white. Additionally, the things I used to do for fun in my 20s, I now consider exercise and they are in a completely different category on my "to do" list.
Despite those little annoyances, I am perfectly happy with my current age. One reason is that young moms come to me for advice on occasion and I never cease to be honored by that occurrence. I have also noticed an exponential increase in my patience level as I age. Yesterday, my sweet Ezekiel had a nasty stomach virus. He was miserable and he was creating scads of laundry as well. By 11pm, he was done actually getting sick but still very uncomfortable. I brought him into bed with us. He moved and kicked and whined off and on all night. In my 20s, I am ashamed to admit, I would have been angry with him. Taken him back to his own bed harshly. Stomped around slamming doors the next morning out of irritation. Had a "woe is me" attitude all day long . . .
Fast forward 20 years and I was more patient than I knew I could be. I had compassion for my boy rather than aggravation at how his sickness was effecting ME. I snuggled him, rubbed his back and felt truly grateful that he was by my side rather than oceans away. I think that's called "maturity" and it feels pretty good! There's also a bittersweet element to the patience God is giving me. I grieve for the fact that I did not cultivate it sooner. I let so many harsh words and snap decisions rule my life as a younger mom. I had little wisdom so I borrowed from authors like Gary Ezzo, James Dobson and Tedd Tripp. I created my own concoction of justice and training that often lacked mercy. God, in His infinite wisdom, seems to have protected my older children from my frenetic brand of mothering. They are kind and gentle yet confident enough to perform in front of large crowds and they both WANT to be parents someday (despite me, not because of me).
How I wish I had known THEN what I know NOW (cliche but true). I understand that I still have so much to learn and so many areas of my life as a wife, mother and child of God which need improvement. The difference between a 20 year old "me" and a 41 year old "me" is this: I don't pretend anymore. I admit it when I can't handle something and I start looking for someone with white hair (on her head, not her chin) who knows the Lord much better than I and can point me in the right direction. Let me be that "wise white-haired old lady" someday . . . but not just yet. I'm kind of liking 41!

"Wisdom is with the aged and understanding with length of days" Job 12:12

The "R" Word

2011-03-29T16:02:00.000-07:00

I just saw the funniest status on a young man's facebook page and I simply have to share it. He said "My chemistry teacher is retarted" . . . did you catch that? RETARTED???? My first inclination was to leave a smarmy comment related to learning to spell the word "retarded" but I restrained myself and ran right over to this blog to give the thoughts pinging around in my head a place to land.
First, I have to say that I had no idea I was supposed to be extraordinarily offended by the use of the word "retarded" until I adopted a child with Down Syndrome. Now it seems every other day my inbox is inundated with the names of various companies I'm to boycott because they advertise during a TV show that uses the "R" word. There is a laundry list of web sites I can no longer purchase from because they sell t-shirts or bumper stickers that use that monicker as well. The way things are going, I'm going to have to grow all my own vegetables and make my own clothing in order to boycott all the companies that are either directly or indirectly related to the misuse of the word "retard", "retarded" or "tard", for short. I had to get rid of my fire extinguisher because the label clearly states it contains . . . you guessed it . . . RETARDANT (okay, not really but I'll bet somebody, somewhere . . .).
I am finally getting a glimpse of what life must be like for folks inside a persecuted minority. It's tiring. I can't keep it all straight. For the record, let me state that I know the "R" word is not a nice word. It's generally used to make fun of a person or to denigrate someone who has made a faux paux. I have used it. And not just as a child. I have used it for the sake of humor with no regard to my listeners. I have actually asked my husband if he is, in fact, retarded. It was wrong.
That being said, I can not decide whether or not to link arms with my fellow offended parents of special needs children or to blow off the whole campaign to obliterate the use of the "R" word. I truly am torn. The fact of the matter is, my son is retarded. His development is delayed in all streams. He is three and can not speak. He is not potty trained and doesn't show the slightest interest. He is light years behind his peers in all areas. Aside from being retarded, he is beautiful, funny, cuddly, adorable, incessantly happy, a light in every room he enters, the star of the show every time we go out in public, a friend to every child, an amazing little brother and a terrific son. He is made in the image of a Holy God and he is exactly who he was created to be. If I believed in magic, I would say he's magical but I don't. There is something so profoundly magnetic and awe inspiring about him that I haven't found the right word for it yet.
If a person who is retarded can be all those things, too, maybe the "R" word isn't such a cuss. Maybe we MAKE it one by flipping out every time a careless teen tosses it around on TV. I just don't know. What I do know is that out of respect for those who have been injured by it, I will no longer use the "R" word or allow it to be spoken in my home. Maybe my view on this debate will change and I will be blogging my readers those long lists of companies to yank dollars from but for now, I think I'll not make myself the conscience of someone else. I can only imagine the offensive things I do and say on a daily basis, unaware, that open wounds of another person. I have a lot of cleaning to do in my own backyard before I take on the neighborhood, you know what I mean?
"Retarded", "special needs", "handicapped", "disabled", "developmentally delayed" . . . those are all words that could be applied to my son. To us, he's just about as close to perfect as someone on this earth can be.
There's no debate about that!

A Large Inheritance

2011-03-28T05:40:00.000-07:00

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup. You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Indeed! I have a beautiful inheritance!" Psalm 16: 5-7

As I read these verses during my time in God's word this morning, they almost passed me by unnoticed! We live in a culture that does not dwell on either family lineage or inheritance. I suppose part of the reason for that is most of us don't come from wealthy families. Our parents have nice lives and, in their passing, we may get a check that allows us to help our favorite charity or take a vacation but few of us will receive life-changing, hire-me-a-security-guard-and-a-financial-adviser type windfalls. In Psalm 16, David is referencing a much more eternal inheritance, one that promises value both in this life and for all eternity - a life orchestrated by an all-knowing and sovereign Father! Now THIS is an inheritance I can truly appreciate! I often feel like David that the "lines have fallen in pleasant places" for me. God has given me a portion in life that is beautiful, restful and peaceable. I have so much to learn about God's will but I do know that being a mom, serving my family, adopting our children, homeschooling and serving those He puts in my path are the charges He has laid before me. All of those tasks are to be undertaken with the ultimate goal of sharing the gospel in sight. When I do those things with the right heart, I truly see the "beautiful inheritance" that awaits. There is something so calming and yet motivating about obedience. On the other hand, when I begin to grumble about the hard work my life presents or when I begin to doubt the calling He has placed on me, I no longer feel like an "heir of God" (Rom. 8:17). I feel like that greedy cousin who was not written into the will and walks away gypped. Don't let the enemy steal the joy of your inheritance today. Walk in the full knowledge that if you know Christ, the "lines have fallen in pleasant places" for you as well.
YOUR inheritance is beautiful. Now THAT'S something worth passing down!!!!!