Anger - Lies and the Truth

Ephesians 4:26
English Standard Version (ESV)
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.

I am a person who has struggled with anger. I remember being angry a LOT as a child. I was generally angry about things that I felt were "not fair" to me. It was a selfish, childlike brand of anger that can not be reasoned with. As I grew into a teenager, I continued to battle feelings of anger that seemed out of proportion to whatever the precipitator happened to be. I was the kind of girl who walked in two worlds. I tried to share my faith and make Jesus Christ a priority in my life but at the same time, I was the girl who would easily get into a fist fight with another girl if I heard she was "talking about me". As I entered college and began to develop some spiritual and personal maturity - not much, mind you, but some- I recognized my anger as something that was a monumental stumbling block, both in peer relationships and my relationship with Christ. I tried in futility to improve but ended up being angry on the inside with a smiling exterior. I was becoming a Pharisee.
As a young mother with two small children, I would feel hot rages come over me in response to seemingly insignificant events. I never physically hurt my children but I sometimes spoke harshly, answered sarcastically or went into my room to scream into my pillow when they needed help or guidance. I blew up at my husband unfairly on a regular basis. He was gone all day and I spent too much time lamenting the hard work of mothering, the isolation of staying at home and the frustration of not having all the pocket money I wanted. I should have been counting my blessings instead.
I had swallowed the world's advice on men and motherhood and I was angry! I was trying to bow down at Oprah Winfrey's altar of "self love" but coming up unable to muster even "self LIKE". I was untrained in a Biblical world view but was drinking the koolaid offered in self help books and by talk show hosts without so much as a scrutinizing glance. I believed that if I did not stand up for myself, I would simply disappear. I would be no more than a maid, caretaker, cook and call girl. I had needs, too, right???? What about ME? I believed my husband's lunch hours at work were more like "boys' night out" and why should HE have restaurant food and friends to chat with when I was home making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and watching Barney?
But I was raised in a Christian home.
I knew many things about my own heart and attitude were contributing to my underlying, ever present anger. I think I had known it all along. I just didn't know WHAT to do about it. Wanting to change does not change a thing. It's a nice start but it's kind of like wanting to be physically fit but sitting on the couch all day.
The world told me that if I did not release my anger (through confronting the target of the anger) it would build up like a pressure cooker and I would just explode!!! The world told me it was actually DANGEROUS to keep my feelings inside so I HAD TO let them out. This is a foundational, fundamental lie that is in direct opposition to God's word. The Bible says
"A fool gives full vent to his anger,
but a wise man quietly holds it back". Proverbs 29:11
hmmmm . .. that stands in complete contradiction to what I believed but it settled in my spirit as pure truth.
God's word had some other amazing revelations for me as I began to pray about changing my heart. One scripture that I shared regularly with my children but seemed to forget applied to me as well is:
"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit but in HUMILITY,
consider others better than yourself." Philippians 2:3
So . . . when someone at the grocery store has that "me first" attitude and tries to push ahead, I should just let them? When I think my husband should walk in the door from a busy day at work, drop his lunch box and immediately take over "kid duty" I may be off base?
These are hard principles, friends. Easy to memorize and hard to live out. Holding back anger and letting others be FIRST or letting their needs take precedence over our needs-those are habits that have to be cultivated. First, through daily reminders, prayer, scripture cards and conscious effort and later, they become a part of your internal schema and you find yourself - a little more each day - living them out more effortlessly. Rome wasn't built in day.
I share this with you, not as someone who has arrived and conquered the "anger beast" but as someone who is striving to live in this paradigm shift and who has much regret over the selfishness and anger manifest in years gone by. If ONE young mother reads this post and finds freedom, it would make my joy abound. If any person can take the shortcut to deliverance that I found when taking the "scenic route", it would be marvelous. What a load of time I wasted ruminating on ME when I should have been marinating in God's word - seeking His plan for my life - using my youth and energy and gifts to make HIS name great among my friends and family.
It is my deepest prayer that I will use whatever time I have left and that YOU will use whatever time YOU have left to do those things that bring Him glory. When all is said and done, there is nothing else that lasts. It's just HIM.

Waiting Children - SO Many Hidden Jewels!

I know that many of my readers have a heart for children. Some are considering another adoption or praying about the right time to begin their first. Let me start by saying that I am not a salesperson and generally do a terrible job of pitching anything to anyone. Now that I've cleared that up, let me do my level best to convince you that, if God is calling you to adopt, The Philippines is a MARVELOUS country to consider!
I DO NOT want to be challenged by anyone regarding the tired old "why not adopt from the US . . . so many kids in foster care . . . taking care of our OWN . . .etc. etc.
That is another argument for another post. I have had it too many times and it's wearying. If you are called to adopt strictly American foster children, this may not be the post for you. However, IF you are open to travel, have a heart for kids outside of this country and a belief that EVERY life is precious to God - no matter where that life came to be, you may want to read on.
I have photos and narratives of literally dozens of beautiful, deserving Filipino children waiting for families. These children range in age from 2 years old to 15. There are boys and girls. Some have special needs and some do not, aside from their ages. There are sibling sets and singletons. There are hearing impaired, visually impaired, cognitively delayed and mobility impaired children featured along with perfectly healthy boys and girls who are just a little too old to be "easy to place". I love reading the files our agency receives and praying for each child. I have found three of our treasures from within these files. If you are GENUINELY interested in Philippine adoption, please contact me and we'll talk!
The rules set forth by the Inter Country Adoption Board prohibit any photos or specific information on these precious kiddos being placed on the internet.
I will tell you there is a child on that list whom I find particularly marvelous. He is a 14 year old boy of mixed Filipino/Kuwaiti descent. He is handsome and smart. His narrative reminds me so much of the information we received on Francis while we were pursuing his adoption - no problems, no red flags, he can play guitar and leads worship but simply was not available for adoption until he was already considered "old". It was a legal issue that kept him from being available, not his fault. If you are considering taking a BIG LEAP OF FAITH, please consider this 14 year old young man. PLEASE!
Here are some of the positive aspects of adopting a waiting child from The Philippines:
1. When compared to other international programs, the Philippine program is inexpensive.
2. The write ups, medical information and background info offered on the children are reliable and true. The ages of the children tend to be accurate.
3. ONE TRIP is required by ONE PARENT and the stay in country is only 5-7 days.
4. English is widely spoken in The Philippines and accommodations are very tourist friendly.
5. The process is transparent. Unlike some countries open for international adoption, you will NOT BE asked for additional money after your fees are paid to your accredited US agency. You will know before the process even begins how much each step will cost. There are no unpleasant surprises!
6. The Philippines is a Hague country and works to comply with all Hague regulations.
7. Some of the criteria for adopting from The Philippines (weight and age of adoptive parents) CAN be waived on a case by case basis for special needs/waiting children.
There are other positives to this program but I fear this post is already getting too long.
If you are out there reading and feeling that little flip flop in your belly, maybe that is your cue to email me and learn a little more about the amazing, precious, beautiful, life-changing children who are just a plane ride away and waiting for parents to claim them!

Answered Prayer # 345,653,445,999

If you've stuck by this blog for any length of time, you probably already know that my hubby and I have wrestled for YEARS with the notion of selling all of our worldly goods and moving to The Philippines with our family to dedicate our lives to hands-on ministry. There have been times in the last few months where I have a pain in my stomach from thinking about the fact that the Lord might call us to stay stateside and support the work of others.
My husband recently investigated the possibility of transferring with his present company to a post in Manila. We would be able to live there in comfort and still reach out. That door closed.
We looked into applying with our denomination. They do not endorse families with teens as missionaries. That door closed.
I decided to talk to our newest son about how he would feel IF God called us back to The Philippines to live. I expected him to be THRILLED at the notion because I know how much he misses his loved ones. To my absolute amazement, he said he did NOT want to go back except to visit!!! When I asked why, he couldn't articulate the reasons but the sentiment was clear. No, we do not let our children dictate the direction of the family but in this case, it was very important to us to know how Francis would feel about such a big change.
This is NOT a dream that I am willing to bury at this point but it appears that the answer God is giving us is . . . say it with me . . . "WAIT"!
It brings to mind the John Waller song that was featured in the movie Fireproof.
Part of the song says:
"While I'm waiting, I will serve YOU
while I'm waiting, I will worship.
While I'm waiting, I will not fail.
I'll be running the race, even while I wait."

Even while I wait, I pray I am not wasting my time with anything less than total sold out service to Jesus. Life is so short and the needs are so great . . . here comes that stomach ache again!~!!!!!!!

Victory!

As much as I like to blog, and pray that God uses it to encourage others, I think I have an ulterior motive for blogging posts like the one yesterday. It is my hope that friends and strangers alike will pray us through these bumps in the road. That is precisely what happened yesterday! Although I expressed the hope that our son would repent in the morning, he did not.
It was a rainy morning and I drove him to the bus stop. As we sat in the car, he asked me one question "are you coming to my game?".
I said "of course" and he breathed a sigh of relief. I half expected him to make an attempt to fix the problem but he just sat there for another five minutes.
The bus came and he left.
AFTER the football game, in the van on the way home it was just me, Francis and Lem.
Lem began his apology with "I've been a jerk . . ."
I did not argue with him on that one. I told him I forgave him and loved him.
He began to cry and told me he does not deserve it. I didn't argue with him there either (ha ha).
I know Francis was probably super uncomfortable sitting in on this little exchange but I also think it was good for him to see how it works in our home. We mess up. We apologize (theoretically BEFORE nine days pass) and we forgive.
God led Lem to apologize at that time, in the present company for a reason. I don't know the reason but I had to roll with it.
Thank you for the prayers, encouraging comments, private notes and for caring enough about our family to take time from yours.
The pics below are Lem playing in his FIRST football game (pre-apology, mind you) and he played one heck of a game. He tackled three times and caught the ball twice to run for several yards. His team lost 7-33 but for him it was a victory. He played well, we were there to watch and he mustered up the courage to apologize on the way home. All in all, a great day!

Eight Days And Counting

Eight days . . . that is how long it's been since our 13 year old told a lie, got into a little trouble and stopped speaking to us! I realize this post is going to sound flat out wacky to friends who have not adopted a wounded child AND to those who know how strict we are. Some of you may be scratching your heads and wondering how in the world we have allowed a child to shun us for eight days. Hang with me . . .
For the five years since our 4th oldest has come into the family, we have entered a cycle in which he lies (pathologically), we discipline (through grounding or other consequences that speak to the infraction), he cries hysterically for upwards of an hour and then gives us the "silent treatment" for days at a time. We have tried many methods to cope with this vicious cycle and have not found a way to break this pattern. We can not, as responsible parents, allow him to lie to us without addressing it. He can not, for some unknown reason, be confronted on a lie without spiraling into a crying jag. It is one of life's great mysteries - like Stonehenge or crop circles.
In days gone by, I made sure to put a swift end to his silent treatment by going to him and MAKING him talk it out. I would tell him how much we love him, pray with him, hug him, etc. Sometimes I would even go as far as to take responsibility for the silent time by telling him that I, as the adult, should come to him and make sure our relationship was good after any discipline is meted out. He always acquiesced and things would get back to "normal". This last EVENT hit me right in the heart and my husband and I both became as fed up as we have ever been with the "silent treatment". This young man is hurtling toward 14 years old and he has no idea how to "do" relationships. He is all take and no give. We decided this time around that we are not pursuing him. HE told the lie. HE chose to throw a two hour tantrum in his room and HE needs to "man up" and fix the mess he made with his silent treatment.
I told him so.
I marched into his room after waiting FOUR DAYS for him to start talking to/hanging out with the family again. I let him know that he created this chasm with his attitude and he needed to figure out how to fix it. He said "okay" and proceeded to continue on in silence.
He comes quickly when called to dinner, mind you. He is all too happy to accept rides home from football practice with us. He had no problem ordering off the menu at our recent family dinner out or washing his sweaty football clothes in our washer. He just doesn't want to talk to us.
His pride is killing the relationship between himself and the rest of us.
I have come close, on several occasions, to slipping back into the old habit of having a nice long talk with him and spoon feeding him his repentance. But I can't.
I feel so strongly in my spirit that this NEEDS to come from him. It's okay if it sounds like bumbling. It can be off the mark. It can be out of left field and not really address the problem but it needs to be HIS effort to mend HIS mistakes.
"Why now?"
He is becoming a man. He is handsome and athletic. Girls are stupid around him. Although our family does not condone dating in the teen years (we're a "courtship only" operation), he is under our roof less than the other children as our only public school student. He will have the opportunity to reject our teaching and "date" if he can keep it under wraps. His lying is going to deeply wound some unsuspecting young lady. She will not be so gracious as to chase him down and hand feed him an apology. He MUST learn to mend fences.
He craves friendships with other young men but as a person with no ability to admit his mistakes and genuinely ask for forgiveness, he risks extreme loneliness in the years ahead. He has to acquire the skill of humbly seeking restoration.
He hopes to join the military someday. The ability to accept correction WITHOUT the silent treatment following that correction is crucial. A commanding officer is not going to allow him to stare blankly because he's "mad". The discipline will be sure and swift in this environment and his "hurt feelings" aren't going to amount to a hill of beans in the REAL WORLD.
I can not bend on this one. I can not go to him and fix his mess.
It would be most unloving for me to, once again, show him how to "undo" what he's done.
I could have stopped this snowball of silence on day one by walking right up to him and telling him how ridiculous and disrespectful his behavior is. He would have WELCOMED that contact, as he has in the past, and been grateful for that springboard from which to re initiate communication.
He is waiting for it. I can tell. Even though I told him it was up to him to figure out how to fix this, he is holding out hope that I will miss him so much I'll come and sit on the edge of his bed and start the ball rolling... again.
I won't.
Ever again.
Starting now, I am free from keeping him from feeling the true effects of his actions.
This is a game of "chicken" and I am not flinching. I want to but I won't.
This is the ugly side of older/wounded child adoption. These things that happen in our home are things I would have NEVER allowed back in the day when I knew everything about parenting. . . back when a friend once told me that spanking didn't work with her son and I replied, full of an obnoxious amount of confidence, that she just wasn't doing it hard enough. Back when I had two perfect children, one boy and one girl, and I had "Ezzo-ed" them into little Pharisees, I would have criticized a mom like me for being such a wuss. I would have blamed her for letting a 13 year old have too much power and I would not have been her friend. She would have sickened me.
But that was then. I am much stupider now and those black and white parenting issues sometimes muddle into a gray pool of mush. Every behavior infraction isn't a "sin" and I'm not a meaner version of Jesus - doling out justice but never mercy.
I am feeling my way along the cave wall in the dark and praying that the voice I hear is who I think it to be and not an imposter, giving bum advice on how to deal with this difficult child.
I still, five years into this adoption, have NO idea why God did not give that young man to a more experienced family. Why he did not go someplace where he would be the center of someone's universe instead of such a fringe character in a scenario with parents who still have so much to learn.
Right now, he sleeps under his Pottery Barn Kids comforter with the surfer emblazoned on it. He has his first football game tomorrow where he will play second string. I KNOW he wanted to talk about the game with us today several times but he would not allow himself. He bit back the excitement and stoically trudged along beside us. I know him. He is nervous and excited. He usually chatters incessantly when he's like that but not this time.
I don't know how long he can hold out. We invited him to come watch a DVD with us a few nights ago and he said "okay" and then never came out of his room. He is acting like the offended party rather than the OFFENDER.
I want to shake him and hug him all at once. I think the "shaking" thing is looking more attractive than the "hugging", in all honesty.
It is my prayer that tomorrow, in the morning, as I wake him up for school, he will decide to tear down the wall of silence he has built and humble himself.
If not, I'll do what I do worst . . .wait.

Alive and Kicking!

I apologize for the WEEKS of silence that have preceded this post! I always get a chuckle from the emails that readers send me asking if we're still alive, if things are going alright or bluntly "why haven't you blogged in TWO WEEKS?". The truth is, two weeks ago something crazy happened that sucked my free time away and dropped me into a vacuum. It's called "homeschooling" and I do it for about nine months every year. Along with homeschooling comes the support group for moms that I facilitate, the co-op where my precious prodigy take courses from someone OTHER THAN me, the nightly grading of assignments, the sports -theater - music for the kids who have interests there and just trying to steal a quick date with my husband during this heat wave of activity.
Please don't read my laundry list of commitments with that nasally, whiny voice that we all use at those times when we're feeling overwhelmed. I'm not overwhelmed (yet!). I am just super busy. My oldest son is a senior in high school and, although he and his sister are almost completely independent study students, I do keep tabs on the work and I still sit and grade their Algebra and Geometry each evening. I don't do this because I HAVE to. The curriculum they use allows students to plug in their answers on the computer and grade themselves. I do this because I WANT to. I was a terrible math student. In some aspects of my own life, I feel my lack in this area greatly inhibited me. I want to be sure my children don't follow in my footsteps. I do have to sit with my precious Ky Ky during much of his school as he is still working at about a mid second grade level. He is gaining by leaps and bounds this year, though, and sitting by him while he reads full paragraphs (when he was not even potty trained until 5 years old and was hard of hearing until he was 4) just makes my heart leap for joy! I also work one on one with Francis during his English and Finance courses. He is just fine doing math, journal writing, Bible History and such on his own. I am shocked at the improvement in his English skills in just 10 weeks home. He already had a good foundation and is naturally bright so I can't take much credit here but it's amazing nonetheless. I'm not quite ready to let him be independent study, anyway. I'm just enjoying that school time with him and it often dissolves into joking around or talking off the subject. It always takes more time that it has to but that is perfectly fine with me. Ezekiel is a hand full during school sometimes and I have taken to letting him dump out every toy in his bedroom just to keep him occupied while we work. He also spends a little time in his crib with board books and then in his high chair with a popsicle. Lemuel is our only public schooler and since he recently made the football team, he practices until dinner time daily, comes home sweaty and tired, eats and falls asleep on his homework most nights. He claims to love this set up. I would not have at his age but he is a very different bird. His emotional struggles have resurfaced the last few days and a nice crying jag of two hours or so ensued. I suspect being tired played into this and I had him go off to bed a little earlier the last couple of nights. He can't articulate what is going on so I have to use a little trial and error. He continues to be my most challenging child. I continue to be keenly aware that we are not doing right by him and yet, unable to figure out what God would have us do differently. He does not want to be homeschooled and, although I did homeschool him for his first two years home, it was very rough on all of us. His needs are HUGE and my emotional reserves are puny. The Lord sustained us and we muddled through but those were two school years when I would not have said "enjoyable, abundant or fulfilling" unless I was referring to the weekends.
Well, that's a run down of the school situation here and, although it may seem mundane to a reader, it's a snapshot of our family that makes me happy and proud. I see the way the Lord has guided us into this life and then equipped us to tackle each day and I am awed. My penchant for laziness coupled with the selfish streak I battle would dictate that homeschooling, serving my family and even being patient enough to finish what I start, are all out of reach for me. Thanks be to God who, in His wisdom and good humor, calls us to walk in our areas of weakness!
Well, it's time to rally the troops for co-op and head off to teach my high school English Literature and Composition class. We are almost finished reading and analyzing "Lord of the Flies". Have a vibrant, blessed day, friends.

Safety and Celebration

This last weekend we were met with threats of serious storm damage from Hurricane Irene. Days before the storm was to make landfall, our news channels were all abuzz with warnings to secure our outdoor furniture, buy batteries and water. Irene turned out to be a bit of a dud for our part of the state but not so for many surrounding states. My sister lives on the coast in Virginia and the threat there was much more serious than we hoped. She runs an assisted living facility and is responsible for the complete care of three precious elderly ladies. Upon seeing the storm threat, she loaded up her three residents and her three children and headed for my house on Friday.
When my sister arrived with her residents, wheelchairs and walkers in tow, it was such a relief to know they were safe from the storm!
It just so happened that we had planned Francis' 16th birthday celebration for that very same day so our 40+ invited guests, my sister's residents and family and my brother and his wife and kids all enjoyed a big birthday party together the night before a hurricane was set to hit! Several times during the party I had to swallow back tears of gratitude. I would be scooping ice cream and find myself just so thankful for all of the people God has put in my life. It's not unusual for me to feel that way when looking at my children but I don't think I stop often enough to be grateful for the friends, neighbors, and church family that I have been blessed with. Our home was filled with fellow Christians, the newly-adopted Indian children of a friend, a family in the middle of an Ethiopian adoption while expecting their 10th biological child, and so many who helped us with our last TWO adoptions. What a blessing to know these people! How lucky I am to be able to feed them dinner and watch their children play with mine. I will never understand the life of a hermit or the bitterness that makes some folks want to hole up and close themselves off from the world. Human beings are such great creations! We were made for fellowship with God and with each other. Just the presence of these loved ones sharpened my "iron" (Proverbs 27:17). I pray that God will use me to enrich the lives of others just as He has used so many to enrich mine.

Ecclesiastes 4:10-12
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

THE Power of the Zipper

I wore THOSE pants to church on Sunday. You know . . . we all have worn them at least once . . .the pants that randomly unzip fast and hard as soon as you sit down. I forgot I even HAD those pants and by the time I realized it was THEM, I was sitting down in a van full of people and running ten minutes late. I had to keep them on. I worked in the nursery, always bending at the waist and never squatting, for an hour. I kept my Bible on my lap during service and re-zipped while standing for the final prayer. I could not concentrate properly all day for thinking of those PANTS!!!!!
A seemingly small "problem" given the seriousness of world hunger, war in the middle east and the plight of the baby seal but, on that day, it overshadowed every move I made.
After church, my eldest son took his siblings shopping and had a minor confrontation with the two brothers closest in age to him. He had to remind them that he is the Kuya and they need to listen to him. When my children came home from the store, I could FEEL the bad attitude in my home and began to conduct private interviews to get the story. Each child agreed that our eldest had spoken kindly and was simply doing his job. (It appears our newest family member prefers BEING the Kuya to HAVING a Kuya and that was part of the problem- ha ha). The reaction to being corrected by his older brother seemed disproportionate to the situation. It made for a hard, tense afternoon around the old homestead and finally, at 11pm, my husband and I called all three of our oldest into our room for a little heart to heart. Everything is back to "normal" because these are some easily-redirected kids when it comes down to it.
As I laid in bed thinking about the day's events, I wondered why the pants seemed to frustrate me so much and yet I was GLAD the "sibling snit" took place. With those black pants (which are somewhere in a landfill by now, I hope) I was frustrated and sidetracked way MORE than the situation called for (much like our new son felt with our oldest). It feels dramatic and silly now even using the word "situation" when retelling the pants problem!
When I pondered the issue between my teens, I had peace and joy. Suddenly, it dawned on me . . . the squabble with the teens was a bonding event because having a tiff with someone (and then working it out) indicates a level of acceptance and familiarity that is reserved for families and close friends. With strangers, a little irritation can go unmended and feel fine. With guests, you bend over backward to please them and put yourself out without a second thought but with FAMILY, you can "keep it real" and know that it won't end the relationship. I'm ashamed to admit, I say things to my husband that I would never say to anyone who had not signed legal documents committing to me. I can tell my kids when their outfits look ridiculous or they need to brush their teeth better because, they are mine and they know I love and accept them. How many times have you been in conversation with an acquaintance who had . . . um . . .a little something in his nose but you refused to tell him because he'd be embarrassed? I have. With family, forget it! Not only do I tell them, I TEASE them until a state of paranoia sets in that causes them to carry around a hand mirror!!! They would do the same to me. So, although the enemy tried to get a foothold in our family with the sibling issue, the Lord reminded me that He is in charge and even things that seem unpleasant have a purpose. Even the black pants? I guess I needed some humbling so, yes, EVEN THE BLACK PANTS!

"Update" . . . yawn . . .

I've been holding off on blogging for a while in hopes that our new family pictures would be ready for the posting. They aren't. They haven't even been taken yet. We keep planning to take family pictures and then some appointment, commitment or unexpected "thing" cuts in line. I am hoping in the next week we will get those pictures taken. I am bothered by the huge portrait that hangs over my couch and contains neither Ezekiel nor Francis. That picture is not my family . . . it's only part of my family. I am even more aware that the five close up pictures that line our stairwell are an incomplete set. It seems tolerable to have a picture missing two children but when just one is missing from a grouping, it seems almost "mean". . . I know I'm waaaay over analyzing this photo thing but, hey, that's the way my mind works these days.
There isn't much news to report that would be of interest to those outside this family but things are changing around here. My husband sold his Harley yesterday. My oldest son sold his leopard gecko and I registered Francis and Elliana for an upcoming driver's education class! In a few months THREE of my children -exactly half- will be driving on either a permit or a license! I am going to be spending more time in prayer than ever when that happens.
We have been homeschooling for exactly two days now and it feels good to have a routine again. Everyone feels purposeful and it is obvious. The lazy feel of our home has given way to a structured, forward motion. Chores are done early, students are at the table with books, computers and pencils. I am circulating the room, Ezekiel on my hip, answering questions and checking assignments. I am going to miss this someday. I am keenly aware that, no matter how many times we adopt, at some point this phase of life will end. I will not have a bustling house full of kids to teach, train and enjoy. I suppose I should be looking forward to that time and planning a Disney trip - or something- with my husband (and Ezekiel - ha ha) but I can not even fathom it yet. I don't want this to end. I LOVE my life. I love my tiny house with too few bathrooms and mismatched interior doors. I love the fact that we fill the 8 passenger van when we go out as a family and there's no more room. I love the rulers, pencils, dried markers and broken crayons that litter my counter top on weekdays and I love how the washer and dryer are always in use, whether by me or one of my teens. I love the way the trash has to be dumped twice a day sometimes and the fact that my top dresser drawer is full on unmatched socks of all sizes and colors, waiting for me to have time to sit and find pairs. I love being called "mom" by voices in all stages of puberty - pre, mid and post - and knowing who's voice it is without ever having to look. THIS is what I was created for. To mother, educate, raise, reach out to, accept and cherish these people - to blur the line between "biological" and "adopted" in such a way that nobody wishes he was one and not the other. I pray for strength to live this life with excellence, knowing that the Lord has given me a calling too high to attain on my own. I just can't do it apart from Jesus. And isn't that just the way it should be? Anything we can tackle easily on our own strength is likely NOT our calling.

"God calls the unqualified to do the unimaginable through His power, that is immeasurable, in a world that is unreachable apart from Him who is unchangeable".
Author Unknown

Real Vs. Reality

In the last five or six days, I have taken my seat at this very table and started various blog posts only to delete and never publish them. As every blogger knows, it is crucial to be patently honest in your blogging but there is also a little restraint that sits in the heart while typing. I want so much to be honest and encourage families in their pursuit of adoption or in their walks with Christ! Here is where my dilemma truly lies. Adoption can be so difficult. Teen adoption is notoriously laden with land mines and many such adoptions are unsuccessful. I have done some research and found that between 38% and 75% of adoptions disrupt when the child is over 12 years old at the time of placement. The huge disparity in the numbers seems to be related to the definition of "disruption" - some adoptions are considered "disrupted" when parents retain legal custody but place their child in a group home or alternate care setting. Anyway, I digress . . . My dilemma lies in sharing the reality of our own experience with adopting a teen (which has been absolutely WONDERFUL thus far!) while communicating that our experience is NOT typical. I know the written word carries much weight. I have received countless emails over the course of my time as a blogger that have thanked me for help, teaching, guidance or transparency and it is so humbling. I don't mean to overstate my influence but I certainly do not want a family to believe that adoption is an easy road or that there is any formula for success that I have somehow tapped into. There isn't. It is only by the grace of God that our newest family member has meshed in so easily and is doing so well. It is also by God's grace that we did not disrupt the adoption of our now 13 year old son when he came to us at eight.
It is because of His sovereignty that we have added four precious sons to this family when, in reality, we didn't always know what we were getting into!
The only thing that is "real" and I know to be 100% true is that the God of the universe does what He sees fit when He decides to do it. I know that even when the road to adoption is bumpy and we feel hopeless, He has it all under His watchful eye. I know for a fact that I have grown more in my faith with each adoption and that the hardest adoption has also been the most rewarding spiritually. That is what I know to be true. THAT, is the reality of taking big leaps with the safety net of a sovereign God beneath us the whole time. The reality? We have risked little. We have gained much.

Put the Brakes On!!!!!

Phew . . . what a busy few weeks we've had here at the nut house!!!!! My teenage niece and nephew spent 11 days at our house (yes, I had 8 kids for 11 days - it was actually pretty great) and then we drove them back to their home at the beach.  We went to the ocean, a water park and the kids all went to the movies before we headed back home.  I am finally sitting down to catch my breath and just glanced at the calendar. Francis has basketball practice tomorrow morning  and  Lemuel has a physical for football in the afternoon!
Despite the vast amounts of FUN we have been having, I am feeling so utterly convicted that I am undone.
In the wake of all the partying, guests, cook outs and travel, I am afraid our family has lost focus on the One who deserves the most attention - Jesus!   Yes, we've gone to church each Sunday, and some Wednesdays. Yes, we pray before each meal and I have spent SOME time in God's word but my conviction goes beyond those issues. I have let things slide with my children that are unacceptable.  Attitudes, choices of music and movies, crass speech, laziness regarding their responsibilities at home and so much more.  Finally, two nights ago while at my sister's house at the beach, it all came to a head with some unkindness between my teens. I called my husband up crying and told him how broken hearted I was over the general state of things. He quickly agreed and admitted that he, too, has seen glimpses of these issues but has not addressed them. We apologized to each other for our parental laziness and made a decision to get these attitudes back on track PRONTO!  We have prayed, talked and decided to have a meeting with our teens tomorrow to emphasize how to live a life "worthy of our calling".  We all need a tune up, not just the kids. It's time for us to hole up for a little while and get back to focusing on walking our talk!
I share the embarrassing state of our family, not just to humiliate myself, but to point out just how subtle and crafty the enemy of our souls has been. You see, if he had come into our family foaming at the mouth, dressed like a satan worshipper and inviting my teens to join him, they would have spotted him from afar and been drawn closer to their Heavenly Father. So instead, he slips in disguised as a "harmless" joke, a funny but biting comment, a friend who commiserates when you complain about your family, a show that isn't appropriate for the "little kids" but just fine for "us teens"  . . . and . . . before you know it, the enemy is sitting on our sofa with his feet on the coffee table and we didn't even see him come in!  Well, we see him now and he's no longer welcome.

I Peter 5:8-9
⁸Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.