The Reflections of a Battered Missionary

I am sharing this post today as we near the five-year mark of serving orphaned and abandoned children here in The Philippines.  It feels like a lifetime and yet also seems were were just landing
in the Manila airport, six kids in tow, wide-eyed and idealistic and with no idea what we were actually doing.

These five years have been fraught  with  highs and lows that I do not believe  are accidents.  God has used every joy and every pain to shape me into the image of  His son and I have come so far. And yet, still have so very far to go.

The joys:

Our first Muslim child (without the hat) is an amazing, strong young man

Three boys from very different and very hard places forging a brotherly bond 

A 'family' birthday party to honor one of our faithful caregivers

By far, with no exception, the JOYS of serving street children outside my first culture are the kids themselves.  I have witnessed startling transformations, seen children come to salvation in Christ, reunited some with long, lost relatives who thought they were dead and have handed others over to nervous and excited adoptive parents who prayed for them before they even knew their names.
And those are just a few of the indescribable joys of life serving the fatherless.

The Pains:
I have become more cynical and jaded about people, their motives, their honesty and integrity since moving to this place. "We are NOT in Kansas anymore, Toto" .  For Reals.


And to avoid using this blog as a place of vengence, I will refrain from calling names but, when we were new here, a woman who is older than I and has been in child welfare for much longer than I reached out to mentor me.  I was grateful. She was a sister in the Lord and someone I respected immensely.  I called her with questions about everything from paperwork to how to register our newly-admitted children to public school here. Everything was so new and different.

One day, she called me to meet for coffee. I was relieved. It had been a particularly hard ministry week and I needed that time away.  When I got to the coffee shop,  she looked right into my eyes and asked me  not to "step into her sphere of influence".   I had no idea what she meant and she would not elaborate.   I did not know if she was asking me not to be friends with her staff, not to have contact with her financial supporters, not to go near her husband . . . WHAT??? What had I done? What was she afraid of?   I still do not know. We haven't spoken except via email since then and nothing has been resolved.  She only responded that whatever I had done was "confidential". That's a big fat cop out.
Just a few weeks after that confusing meeting, I received a very strong letter from someone here who is a government official in charge of the work we do. That letter accused me of kicking one of my own adopted sons out of our home and not allowing him to come near us.  The information was UNTRUE and the situation was nothing like it was presented in the note.  But then I remembered. The mentor "friend" who asked me not to step  in her "sphere" (what even IS a "sphere"?) questioned me previously about the struggles we were having with that particular adopted child.
And  I realized what a naive, trusting, wide-eyed ding bat I had been.   And vowed not to let that happen again.

If that experience had been one-of-a-kind, I would probably still be  giving more grace and less suspicion of  folks. 

BUT . . . 

And staff has stolen from us (in small amounts) and had to be fired.  Kids have told lies about us to deflect from their own misdeeds and we have had to defend ourselves unnecessarily.  But none of that holds a candle to the CALLING we have to stay here and serve street boys.

If the enemy wants us out of this country, he's going to have to do better than that.

And in these nearly five years, I have not only been wounded, I'm sure I have been the one doing the wounding.  I am no better than the "friend" with the "sphere" .  I'm wretched in my own ways.

Aren't we all?  

If you said "no, not me", you probably have a "sphere". 

I know. I need to get over that. 

Five years of living outside the USA has given me a more global perspective than I ever had. I realize that the world outside my home country is huge and different. Better in some ways and worse in others.   And that people inside and outside the States all need the same things:  Forgiveness and a relationship with their Creator, a place to  be loved and belong, the security that someone is FOR them, even when they make poor choices and mess up and just to be respected and treated with dignity - whether rich or poor, brilliant or not, productive members of society or dependent ones.

So, five years has been challenging and a blessing with overflow so rich I can not contain it all.  I would not trade it, nor change it.

Even the pains. They have a place.    

I look forward with great expectation to the next five years, lessons to learn, children to bring off the streets, new families forming and, more than all of that, a deeper walk with my Savior as He uses all the joys and all the pains. 

That is Him. 

A Mother Like That

I have a dilemma. It has come unexpectedly although should have been anticipated from the inception of our residential care ministry to
street children here, in The Philippines.

I am a mother. It's my calling and my joy.


Our ministry center is a nice-sized family home with four large bedrooms. Staff quarters is downstairs (a 2-room master shared by me, my husband and our two youngest children) and two big bedrooms upstairs. One is for the girls and one is for the boys.
We have always conceived that our ministry would run as a family home. We dreamed of these disenfranchised street children getting the experience a "regular, nuclear family".    And they do.  With one exception.

I am a mother. I am not good at drawing boundary lines between who is "mine" and who is not.


I love the children in our care.  Some more than others because I am human. There is one I would love to keep forever. For no other reason than "I just want to".  He's not particularly well behaved. He has done nothing to earn the favoritism. He's just a beautiful boy with a shattered family unit.

My missionary  heart is helping him to be prepared for an adoptive family someday.   My mother's heart wants to "lose" his documents and keep him.

I have been warned by my husband that the love I shower on this child might make it harder for him to bond with his new family when that time comes.  And he's probably right.  But something in my heart of hearts just simply can not keep this child at arm's length. He has never ever EVER had a mom of his own.  He is ravenous for mother love.  He fakes illnesses or injuries and steals glances at me to see if I'm coming to his aid.   He draws piles of pictures of his "family" (which always includes me, my husband and our youngest child) and puts himself right in the center. He copies our youngest child (using sign language even though he can talk, folding his arms and shaking his head "no" when he doesn't want something) and it is not in a mean way.  It is a blatant attempt just to be like him. Maybe to learn the trick to being utterly adored?   

And he knows the facts.  He has been counseled, more than once, that Mercy House is not his "forever home" - that we are all in prayer  that God will bring him his OWN parents and his OWN forever family.  He always says "no.  I'm staying here with you" and points to me.

This is hard and has probably gone on longer than I should have allowed. 

  As "nature took it's course", there was not a thought in my mind that pouring into this little boy could have these consequences.  I could only see the hole and fill it.   I felt like a stand-in or a substitute.  And, that IS what I am.

But I am also a mother. So imperfect but a little perceptive, too.

I know real from fake.  It's not the "image" of a mother that this little boy is after. It's an actual mother. Right now, it's me.

I dare to think  none of my other friends in child-caring  ministries have been so stupid as I.  They probably all decided from day one to stand back and let the paid caregivers do their jobs.   They probably predicted that bonding with a child who is not their own could be a mixed blessing for that kid.    Some people only have to be told that it hurts to be hit by a bus, others have to actually be hit by it to believe. I suppose I'm a member of group #2.



To top it all off, I am not convinced I am doing wrong.  I know this child will move on to a permanent home.  He knows and I know.
In the meantime, I  want to be a model for him of what a good mother will be and will do.  My earnest prayer is that the lessons and the sense of safety and unconditional acceptance will be transferred to his NEW mom and dad when that time comes.

Why do I not feel this way about every child in our center? I have wondered that many times. I never set out to single one child out or to show favoritism. I am conscious of the jealousy that can arise between the children.  But of all the children in our care, THIS is the one who will likely go the longest without a family. Some of the others have family. One of our boys has a loving mother, step dad and siblings. They will be together again soon. The family just needs time to get stable.  Our girls . . . well, they are girls. Everyone seems to love orphaned girls. They are sweet and girly. They draw the eye of every visitor. Who wouldn't love them?

But THIS child is a boy. Older. From the streets. Formerly a glue-sniffing, thieving, trouble-making BOY.  The line for a child like him is short.  His teacher at school recently told us he is the poorest behaved child in her class. Maybe that's why he grabbed my heart so quickly.  The most hidden of hidden treasures . . . but I can see it.  

And I pray, above all else, he understands when THAT time comes. That he is not hurt but is thankful.
This is a risky, muddled business and as a flawed human, it is sometimes hard to separate what God has commanded from what I simply want.

I want what is best for this beautiful boy.  I want him to be found by his forever family.  I want him to slowly grow into a deep love for them that trumps anything he has experienced here, in his first family love.  I want him to stay off the streets and develop a love for his Creator that spurs him on to choose right.  I want him to know what it feels like to be highly valued.    I believe every one of those things is possible.

So I have begun to pray daily. For all of those.  I take special care to pray for his new mother. I pray that she is patient. I pray she looks at him and feels so lucky and blessed every day.  I pray she is sympathetic to the fact that he has suffered a lot of rejection and will likely try to act "tough" for a long time.  I pray that she adores even the scars.  That she understands that he would never have been hers if he had not first been down the road of abandonment.  I pray she only speaks well of his birth family, even after she learns about the things some of them have done.  I pray that she won't resent me for being so close to him.  It was before we knew who she was. It was at the lowest time of a child's life when he is having all his life decisions made for him with very little respect to what he might want. It was at a time when there was nobody else.

Because THAT is who this little boy needs most. He needs her.  A mother like that . . .

The BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

Dear Friends, Family, Readers, Loved Ones, Donors to Our Mission and Curious Bystanders,

If you have been a friend, cyber or otherwise, for any length of time, you know that our family made an enormous move nine months ago. That move took us from Holly Springs, North Carolina - place we loved and felt so safe and secure, to Silang, Cavite Philippines - relatively unknown in every aspect for us.

We came here with a sending organization called "The Bartimaeus Project". This project is focused on serving children with blindness and visual impairments who live in orphanages here, in The Philippines.

We have taken children to eye appointments, purchased eye glasses, conducted weekly classes in our center and sponsored a life-changing surgery for a child.  We have loved being a part of those things.

There have, of course, been struggles. We are not finding many children in orphanages with blindness or visual impairment. Most orphanages don't accept them. So we opened up our service model to include some children with additional special needs - cerebral palsy, down syndrome, general learning disabilities and other issues.


Every day, as we drive to  serve the children in orphanages, we are struck with the same burning question.
WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
We are doing work we enjoy but . . . let me put it this way . . .
have you ever had an itch in that "chicken wing" area of your back? You can scratch "around" it but you have trouble hitting the exact spot?  When you finally hit it . . . OH THE RELIEF!!!

Well, a friend took me to a shelter for street kids a month ago. Young kids, aged 5-14. Kids who milled around in a room with little to do.  I asked about the plan for these children. I was informed that if a more permanent place existed, they could go there. They are not being educated, tucked in at night, loved on or truly invested in. They are in a "holding pattern" - in the throes of being completely abandoned.  They are in limbo of the worst sort. We were undone upon meeting them.

WE FOUND THE ITCH and now we're going to scratch it!

Effective today, we will be opening our own orphanage/shelter for children in crisis.
We will no longer be serving under The Bartimaeus Project.

There are no ill feelings between us and the BP.  We know that they are doing good work and handling all donations with the utmost care and wisdom.   We know the board members are genuine in their love for the Lord and their desire to do right by orphans with blindness and visual impairments.

We also know we have to meet the needs in front of us that are the most pressing.
We are confronted daily with the plight of children with no place to call "home" and no consistent food, support, spiritual guidance  or family structure. 
So, with some sadness and immeasurable excitement, we share with you that we are starting our own orphanage/ shelter!
We are hiring a full time social worker.
We have taken children in already (details in a later post)
We are almost finished with our our Social Work Development Agency application
We even have an operations manual
We are stepping out in faith

This is even scarier than selling all of our "stuff" and moving out here because we are doing this without a board of directors. We are investing the last of what we have to shelter children who, currently, are at immense risk of harm, abuse and exploitation.

This is a childhood dream-come-true for me!  Ask my mother.  Many of my Barbie games growing up centered around Barbie and Ken taking care of 15 children! I believe God put this type of love in my heart as a child and it has taken me years to soften up and allow Him to cultivate it to this point.

WE NEED YOUR HELP NOW MORE THAN EVER!!!!


To join us in funding care for these children, log on to www.americanhelper.org , make your donation via check or online and listen to THIS:  American Helper retains only 1% of donations made through them and 99% comes DIRECTLY TO US IN THE FIELD!!!! We donated through American Helper regularly before our move to The Philippines. They fund Children's Garden, the home that lovingly provided for our precious Ariel before he was ours. We know the people handling the funding and they are people of integrity. We knew our donations went right to CG because we were thanked within just a few days of donating, most of the time.
This is such a welcome change for us in ministry.  Something we needed. 

If you choose to support us financially in the endeavor, please make a note on your check or your online giving that says "ESQUIVEL FAMILY" -- and 99% will come to us and the children at Mercy House.

Now, more than ever, we need your prayer support.  We will be sending regular newsletters so if you are interested in receiving them, please send an email to:
mercyhousepi@gmail.com.  We can share a lot more in an online newsletter than we can on social media - including pictures and write ups on the children in our care. You'll want to meet them!

Stay tuned! Buckle up! Come and see what the Lord will do! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!