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Saturday, June 5, 2010

Go Away!

Life at the "Esquivel Compound" has finally settled into a wonderful summer "routine".
We are finished homeschooling until early August (except my sweet 8 year old who needs to do a little something each day to keep his phonics and math skills in check). The sprinkler is attached to the hose in the backyard and ready for the kids' daily "run through" and I have taken to making a gallon of sweet tea every two days as my teens drink it instead of water all day long (terrible, I know). We watch a movie together most evenings (the latest fine piece of cinematography being "Monsters vs Aliens") and
there are no lesson plans to write, papers to grade or co-ops to rush off to.
I am absolutely loving this time of year. It's hot and humid and practically every day is capped off by an evening thunderstorm or rain shower.
In spite of all the joy, I have little peace. I committed the cardinal sin of reading through Christian Adoption Service's latest list of waiting children. Those of you who know me at all know exactly where this post is headed . . . yes, I am hopelessly in love with a child on the list. I have his file. I know it by heart. He is older (almost 15) and had a very rough start in life. He is in a Christian orphanage, loves Jesus, plays music, sings and even has an "emo" haircut like my oldest son. He ages out in one year and will be unadoptable.
The Philippines has strict rules about adoptions. A family must wait one year between adoptions and Ezekiel has only been home three months. We can not even apply to adopt for about nine more months. Additionally, we can not afford another adoption right now and my husband is not on board at this point. In light of the disappointment regarding Ariel, maybe this is just backlash and simply a shadow in my mind but, I don't think so. I know this feeling well. It is the fourth time I have felt this way about a child. The first three times resulted in Kyle, Lemuel and Ezekiel - my hard won treasures from across the ocean. Once again, God will have to make a miracle but if He wants it to happen, He'll do it. If not, I pray this ache will go away. It hurts.

5 comments:

  1. Oh, Nikki, I so feel your pain. I'm so in love with a 6 year old boy from China on Holt's waiting child list. I've even named him. I can't get him out of my mind. I pray for him. And for the Lord to take this ache out of my heart. I can't get Doug on board, but I so feel like he's my son. I'll pray for you, that God will either make a way or take the hurt away. Hugs!

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  2. From one adoptive mom to another, I also know that ache. There is a 6 yr old little girl in China that I would love to bring home. However, my husband is nearing the age limit and we are unemployed. Not to mention the fact that at the end of each day , I fall into bed pretty much exhausted with the life I already have. Ugh!!! It makes no sence. Do we ever get passed wanting to save another child??? I am also praying for the Lord to take away this yearning. I trust that He will make His will clear to all of us as to the next role we have in the realm of adoption.
    Blessings,
    Lisa

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  3. I'll be praying for God to give you wisdom for the next one Nikki! You're an amazing woman with a big heart for orphans! Can't wait to see how God uses you this time around!

    Kristin

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  4. It's a nice confirmation that I'm not crazy to hear that Liz and Lisa have the same inexplicable draw to a child oceans away. Thank you for the prayers, Kristin. I am praying for your imminent travel as well!!!!!

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