I have come to the realization that I don't know You very well. I thought I did. I have been a follower of yours since I was eight years old. I have been in church and even had fairly consistent quiet times since high school. I've LED Bible studies, women's groups, children and homeschool families. I have lost count of the number of praise songs and solos I have belted out and I believed I meant each word.
I have been a speaker on topics from adoption to salvation and yet, You and I are still getting acquainted. You are nothing like the fair-haired, blue eyed, gentle soul in the toddler Bible I read to my children. You ask hard things of me. You don't deliver me from pain the moment I ask. Sometimes You seem silent when I need You most. Often your word tastes bland when I am my hungriest. The desires of my heart have been put on hold by You while You refine an aspect of my character I thought was insignificant. I have so many questions about why you have allowed certain people and situations into my life. I have been crying "uncle" but my arm is still being held and twisted. I have often prayed that You would take my life and use it but when You take me up on that offer, it's not in the way I meant. I meant you could have SOME of my time, SOME of my money, SOME of my effort but not THIS much. Not my family! Not the secret dark places where I like to hide and have some "me time". But YOU have the right. You bought me with Your precious life blood. You own me. You made me and chose me for no other reason but that it pleased You to do so. So I buck and kick and scream in rebellion against the Only Wise God. I come to the place You were taking me all along, a little more battered and bruised. A little more humbled. A little more scuffed than I would have been had I just submitted to Your will right away.
I just wanted to write You this simple "Thank You" note for being patient with me. Thank you for NOT giving me what I truly deserve. Thank You for protecting me from my own ignorance. Thank You for continuing to be faithful when I am faithless. Thank You for these trials and hard times. It seems in these moments, I know You best. I see You most clearly. More of You, less of me.
Yours Forever,
Nikki
