More of THIS

After more than a month of smooth sailing with our "RADish", I feel I can safely type that the corner has not only been turned but is firmly in our rear-view mirror!
For more than a month, we have been without:
1. lies
2. sneaky behavior being uncovered
3. long crying jags of an unknown origin (or any crying, really)
4. emails or phone calls from concerned teachers about various transgressions
5. adults overhearing unsavory talk or unkindness to the youngers

We continue to praise the Lord for his new mercies! I know His word says His mercies are new every morning but for us, it feels like the verse should read "new every six years".

As I mentioned in a previous post, every professional we have read or consulted has
assured us that Reactive Attachment Disorder is an incurable plight with a dismal prognosis. I don't pretend to know more than any expert. I DO know what's happening inside our home and it is starting to look like a cure to me!! Our gracious God repeatedly has done more than we asked or imagined in paying for our adoptions, providing for the needs of our family, guiding us in a plethora of parenting issues, opening doors for service for us and even healing loved ones of illnesses . . . why would I ever think for a moment He would withhold healing our son? He wouldn't if it was His will to do so.

Lemuel is so much more than just a kid with RAD. I fear that when I blog, I fail to communicate that properly. He is a caring big brother, a star athlete, a hard worker, a loving son and he has the kind of perseverance that most people covet.
With the RAD-colored glasses removed, I am able to see him as so much more than the sum total of my heartache allowed.

He talked to me today out of the blue about one of his former placements. We were standing at the sink and he said "Mrs. 'Smith' lied to me". I asked him what he meant by that seemingly random statement.

He replied "she said when they dropped me off at the hospital they were coming back to get me but the next day they came to tell me they weren't keeping me. She's a liar".

My first reaction was to defend this woman who wanted very much to parent Lemuel but just didn't. She just didn't. He was tough to handle to be sure and she counted the cost and said "it's not worth it". (side note, it's ironic that his talk centers only around the mother in this case. There was a father. A "nice dad" according to my son).

Rather than defending her, I just agreed with him. It seemed the right thing to do plus, I've never spoken to her. I don't know why she threw in the towel after six months. I can only guess. He was a tough case.
He went on to thank me for not giving up and assured me that he knew God wanted him with us and that's why things didn't work out in the other families... Seeing his rejections through the plan of a Sovereign God is the only way for a child to make sense of what has happened to him. And it makes sense because it's true.

One more brick laid in a brand new foundation for a child who has been here such a long time but really just arrived . . .

SIX YEARS!

I can't promise a single one of you who are walking the RAD path that in six years, you will see great progress with your child. I can promise you that many parents give up before the harvest and they miss something wonderful.

Can you hang in there just a little longer? One more week? Two more months? Just a year or so? It seems too much to ask when you're in the fray, doesn't it?
It is. I would have taken ANY out that seemed reasonable at the lowest of times. I would have sent him back to his country if that was allowed. In fact, I remember praying that I would be diagnosed with some terrible illness so that I could disrupt the adoption and blame it on my own sickness. It would have felt legitimate. People do it all the time.
Thank you, Jesus, for NOT answering THAT prayer.

Instead, the bigger prayers of my heart were answered. For six years, my prayers were for God to infuse me with genuine, heartfelt, I-would-die-for-you love for this child so I could stick it out through the hardest of times. He fed me that love piecemeal, just enough for the day but never in enough abundance for me to let down my guard and stop clinging to Him like a life raft in a tidal wave.

I prayed for REAL connection to Lemuel so I could know that I have his heart. I prayed for him to trust us enough to know that we're not taking our last name from him when he messes up.

But ultimately, as much as this journey is teaching me, it's not ABOUT me much at all. It's about the value of one life - Lemuel's. It's about trusting our Heavenly Father when it seems we've lost hold of His hand. It's about sharing with anyone who will listen that God is faithful and more than able!

But to him, a day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day.

Sometimes the hard times felt like they lasted a LITERAL thousand years.
And there may be more to come. . .

But I have blessed assurance that God is bringing about His purpose in His time and in His way.

We always said "use us, Lord . . . take our lives and do what you want"

It appears He took us up on the offer.

I am so glad He did!

Lem (left) and Ky (right) on paddle boats at our agency picnic

Keeping the Coals Stoked

I watched a documentary on Netflix today that both horrified and energized me at the same time. It is called " Triage, Humanitarian Dilemma: Dr. James Orbinski" or something close to that. Dr. Orbinski is a Canadian doctor, devoted father and lover of the poor and downtrodden people of Africa. If you have Netflix and want God to shake you right out of your complacency regarding the suffering that goes on around the globe, THIS is the documentary for you!
The last movie I watched was another documentary called "Small Voices" about street children in Cambodia. It, too, was an eye opening journey into the lives of those the word of God calls all Believers to minister to - the poor, the widows, the fatherless.
I have a love/hate relationship with documentaries such as the ones I just mentioned. I love the way they keep my heart tender for those in need around the world. I love how they open my eyes to those who suffer and struggle simply for survival. I hate how helpless these shows make me feel. I think about them for days. As I care for my family, I think about the mothers I saw on the screen, emaciated women, trying to nurse skeletal infants. I bemoan my need to lose 25 pounds and get back on the treadmill but realize that my "problem" is strictly FIRST WORLD. So small. Nothing, really.
There are two things I am always seeking my Heavenly Father about. The first is that the story of what Christ did on the cross is something I would never grow cold about - that it would always move and overwhelm me when I hear it. The second is that I would never be able to turn a blind eye to the suffering of other humans and go on, unaffected, if I can help in some way.
So far, He has proven faithful on both accounts.
I asked these things of Him years ago and had no idea how they would look in reality. If I had known, I may not have asked. Too late.
I can not contain my tears when I hear a song, read an account or hear a sermon about Calvary. I used to be unmoved as a teen and young woman. I felt grateful for what Jesus endured for my sake but accepted it and moved on. Not anymore.

I grew up with NO heart for the poor, the foreigner, the orphan or the widow. I remember making jokes about starving Africans as a young, stupid teen. I vividly recall thinking, when I saw hungry children on television with flies buzzing around their encrusted eyes and mouths "their parents should have used birth control". I had so little understand of the gift of life. Such short-sighted views of my role as a professing Believer in Christ. THOSE people that seemed so very different from me - so responsible for their situations - were just like me.

In the book of Revelation, God chastises the church at Laodecia for thinking they are rich when they are, in reality, "poor, blind, wretched, pitiful, poor and naked". I was likely MORE poor, blind, wretched, pitiful, poor and naked than those I stood in such superior judgement over.

The tender heart is something God cultivated in me after motherhood. After HE showed me the mystery of loving someone more than myself, He began to drive that love deeper and stretch it out to include those not of my bloodline. Only God can make someone as selfish as I was (and sometimes am) into a lover of strangers. Miracle of mercy! Proof He is REAL! Grace gift!

I dare you, fellow sojourners, ask the Lord to make your heart break for what breaks His. Ask him to keep your coals burning and your fire stoked for the calling that He has placed on your life.

Once you do, He will. And there is no going back. Never the same! Changed for the better! Pounded to dust for the sake of the gospel but fully renewed for the work!

Red Skies in the Morning, Sailors Warning

James 4:17
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.


More choppy waters on the home front. And a safe harbor at the end of the day.

Our struggling son has ONE ally in this house. ONE person who he has not injured, lied to or worn out to the point of weariness. Our newest son.
Newest Son is a Godsend for so many reasons. He not only brings extra light, life and cheer to this home but he was perceptive enough to know right away that our struggling son has "issues" and he shared with me that he feels like he can be a good influence on Struggling Brother. He has been. He is.

But last night, Struggling Brother blew it.

(side note)
Our home is structured like most Filipino homes. Our younger children are expected to show respect and obedience toward their older siblings. The older siblings are expected to be kind leaders who put the needs of the younger children before their own. Our younger kids have to call the olders "Kuya" (big brother) or "Ate" (big sister). Is is a family structure that has been in place since our first kids were born and I love the way it plays out. Our kids do NOT hit one another. Our younger children have NEVER said to an older sibling "you're not the boss of me" or "I don't have to listen to YOU! YOU'RE not my father/mother". The olders are, in fact, the "boss of you" and you DO have to listen.
Likewise, we don't see cruelty from your olders to our youngers. It's a structure I would never have known had I not married into it and it's one more reason I'm so HAPPY to be married to my Filipino hubby!Well, that and the incredible food his culture has brought into my life (can somebody pass the pancit, please?).
(end side note)

Struggling Son walks into the room where New Son is playing an NBA video game and says "I want to play". New Son says "I'm in the middle of my game. You can play next". Struggling Son says rudely "I PAID FOR THAT GAME" and proceeds to plug in a controller and pause the game on New Son.
New Son shows great restraint in putting down his controller, saying "here, have it" and leaving the room.
Struggling Son says "sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over as he realizes he's about to get into trouble.
New Son keeps walking, goes to his room to cool off (well done!).

Struggling Son, my great saboteur and self isolator was in need of putting a chasm between himself and New Son, who has been a great friend to him.
It hurt me to see this play out. It hurt me for both boys. I went upstairs to talk to New Son first. He was very understanding. He said "I see how it is with him and I always try to help him but NOW I see why nobody wants to spend time with him."
Sad but insightful. And true. But still mostly sad.

I go into Struggling Son's room next to talk through what he did, why he feels he did it and how he can now fix it. He GREATLY over reacts and ends up telling me that he doesn't want to be close to me. He will be out of the house soon and he's fine if he and I don't have a relationship. I did NOT make this event about he and I. He did. Everything always comes back to me and him in his mind. It's the "mother part" of Reactive Attachment Disorder. I'm paying for the sins of others. I think I always will. I hope not but I think so.

Struggling Son pouts for awhile but, hey', it's "Fun Friday" and we always watch a movie as a family and have popcorn and/or ice cream. Struggling Son comes out to watch the movie but refuses the food. Apparently, he doesn't need anything from US. He sits in a bean bag chair he has slid as far from the rest of us as possible. It's a small house. He can't go far. But he's here. That's progress.

We watch "Tangled" and it ends at about 9pm - still early for a "Fun Friday" so we decide to Netflix "Mars Needs Moms". It's a little dark for kids and pretty odd but we didn't pay extra for it so I eat my havarti and crackers while we watch.
Immediately, the child in the movie gets into trouble and tells his mother he doesn't need her! He tells her he wishes he didn't have a mom! A tear slips down mom's cheek as she gently shuts his bedroom door.

I hear a sniffle that is NOT coming from the television.
Struggling Son is all teary on his bean bag.

By the end of the movie (spoiler here . . . ), the son is clinging to his mother and telling her how much he needs and loves her. He talks about how she tucks him in at night and feeds him. How she vacuums the house and bandages his cuts. How she washes his clothes and cheers at his soccer games . . . gulp. . .

Struggling Son is in the bean bag and is now wrecked. He is trying to sob silently but not all that successful in said endeavor. The occasional wet snort reverbs around the room.

The lights are all off. The room is dark.

I make eye contact with hubby and slightly shake my head. Hubby is NOT to mention what is taking place. None of us do.
We leave this muscular almost 14 year old, sporting his faux hawk, with a little dignity. We wait until he pulls himself together to turn on the light. He makes a bee line for the bathroom where the nose blowing commences.

I go to my room and wait.
I hear him trying to find me and the slightest little "tap tap" on my door.

He comes in and when he sees me, the water works begin again. Apologies. Forgiveness. It's over. Again.

And so goes it with such a tough and yet fragile child.

I do love him so very much. Sometimes the love gets caught up in the circumstances and swept way like debris in a fisherman's net. But then some connection of his ability to hurt with words will float to the surface and it looks like a buoy in the storm. He's GETTING IT! I do believe he's getting it.
And it scares him so much that he lashes out. And our whole family thinks "here we go again" and some of us wish, secretly and not so secretly, that he was just passing through. And the visit was winding down.
But that's not what our Heavenly Father called us to.
We met him in that psyche hospital. We prayed to our sovereign God to show us how far we were required to go and our loving, all-knowing, always-good Father said
"all the way".
Those are facts that can not disputed. Not then. Not now.

We have to keep on keeping on so the name of our Savior is made to count for something in this little household, among our friends, in our church, hopefully even in the blog community.

We want to make a mark.

We just want all of this to matter. For now and for eternity.

The "New" and "Improved" Gospel

Just like our culture at large, churches have trends. I've been around long enough to have witnessed some sweeping trends in my own Christian culture.
Among them are:

1. The switch from traditional hymns to praise music (from organ and piano to a praise band)
2. The change from church buildings to multi purpose centers complete with a gym floor and folding chairs rather than pews and carpet
3. The trend away from "Sunday clothes" and toward casual wear - even jeans and flip flops - for services
4. The shying away from Sunday school in exchange for cell groups or community groups
5. The acceptance of coffee cups, bagels and doughnuts during a service (a personal favorite of mine - ha ha).


I'm not stating that these trends are bad, non-Biblical or that they are a better, more desirable environment in which to learn how to live out our faith. We Believers bring to our churches our own life experiences that shape the way we learn and worship best.
There is a trend that I see in the church today that has me both excited AND a bit worried: the focus of so many churches today is turning OUTWARD. Believers are seeing beyond their own back yards and beginning to notice and address the needs of the poor around the world. I know this was always done, to some extent, through missions work but it seems today that most churches are expending extra effort, money and time reaching the poor and working to meet their felt needs (food, clothing, shelter, clean water, medical care).
Sometimes we do this through short-term mission trips (which can be both a blessing and a curse to those we serve - more on THAT in a later post), through supporting another church in a foreign land, through adopting children, through medical missions . . . the opportunities seem endless and the number of Believers jumping on board ever increasing.
I am PROUD to call myself a Christ follower when I see my brothers and sisters extending their hands in this way. But I often question, in my heart of hearts, if we are "finishing the job" or not.
I worry that we have been duped by The Enemy into believing that meeting felt needs IS the gospel. Feeding people does NOT introduce them to Christ. It feeds them.
Adopting children does NOT create disciples, it simply makes them non-orphans.
Going to Outer Mongolia to dig wells does not draw humans into a walk with their Creator - unless we give them the gospel along WITH the need meeting.
When we meet needs without sharing the gospel, we are selfish. We are making ourselves feel good by helping those in need. We can lay down to sleep with a smile feeling happy and maybe a little smug that a family has a full belly because of US but we have gypped those we intended to help. We have robbed ourselves of the joy of TELLING others of the love of Christ while SHOWING them at the same time.
Satan would love for us to feel we have done all that is required of us when we meet felt needs and yet to keep silent about forgiveness of SIN, salvation through CHRIST, a new life in HIM and eternity in either HEAVEN or HELL.
I worry that good deeds have become the "new" and "improved" gospel and not a segue to sharing the REAL, HARD CORE, NO NONSENSE, NO ONE COMES TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH CHRIST, truth that saves.
Yes, I am of reformed theology and I firmly believe that those who Christ has pre-ordained and called WILL come to him but, don't we, as Christ followers, want to be in on that? Don't we long to SEE people submit their lives to the one who made them for relationship with Him? Don't we hope to take their hands and lead them in that beautiful prayer that someone probably prayed with us in years gone by? You are witness to a miracle when that happens. It is beauty beyond description.
Many do want that. Many individuals who serve, go on mission, adopt children and reach out to the poor do so with the ultimate goal of sharing the gospel. The only gospel. The "good news" that rich or poor, fatherless or family-rich, born in the good old USA or somewhere far and remote, Jesus longs for them to come to Him.

Let us not confuse good works with the good news.

And let us press on toward the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus, our Lord. (Phil. 3:14)

Baby For Sale

I recently had the incredible misfortune of reading an article online (sent to me by an appalled friend) that was penned by an adult adoptee. This adult adoptee is a bitter young woman who is angry about being "snatched from her culture, language and homeland" by her wealthy, white adoptive parents. She goes on to lament a lifetime of LOOKING Asian and not BEING Asian. She felt she never fit in anywhere. She was a perfect, chubby, beautiful baby the day her parents boarded the plane to Korea. She was not, however, an orphan. After much research and several trips back to her native country (and years learning the language), the author of this article discovered living parents, aunts, uncles, full-blooded siblings and an entire village built around her lineage. This is one of the saddest adoption stories I have ever read. It's sad on several levels. First, the author never felt fully embraced by her adoptive family, she was always left with an empty ache of needing to find where she truly belongs. Second, she turned out to be right. She was not a true orphan. She was the spawn of a young, unmarried girl who later went on to marry the baby's father and build a life with him. But who knew?
Adoption is laden with miry ethical issues that are often swept aside by parents longing for the warmth and responsibility of a baby. Adoptive parents sometimes don't know the full story. Under the Hague Convention, a "true orphan" is a child who is either:
1. one of parents who are deceased
2. a child who has been legally, voluntarily surrendered by biological parents
3. a child who has been declared neglected and abandoned by the court system

The young woman in the story was none of these. She was taken to a clinic by a distant relative and left there. Her anguished mother searched for her for months.
The relative felt he was doing the mother a favor and, in time, she would see the gift she was given in being unfettered.

Why am I, a four-time international adoptive parent, even discussing such a sensitive topic? Why would I want to put something into print that might make a family second guess the decision to adopt? Because it is VITAL to the future health of your family and your adopted child to be careful when adopting. A child who's parents are deceased should have solid evidence in his paperwork of such. A child who has been legally surrendered should have surrender paperwork (ours even includes the thumbprint from the surrendering parent. I look at these prints often and, for some reason, they are extra precious). A child declared abandoned by the courts will have a long paper trail of attempts to locate birth family, court appearances, and that child will likely be OLDER because it takes time to properly execute a search for a parent who, may not even know their child is on the fast-track out of the country.
Your best chance of being certain that you are adopting a true orphan is to adopt from a "Hague Convention Country". These countries have agreed to abide by rules that decrease the likelihood of child trafficking. They are agreed that beautiful babies "found in a park" might just have more to their stories.
The draw back? Many children from Hague Convention Countries are older children. They have had to wait for documents and signatures to complete their files. Those surrendered directly at birth by parents are not as plentiful and families who feel they need a small, healthy infant must wait a long time in a Hague Country, for a match.
Yes, The Philippines is a Hague County. They are transparent in all their paperwork, fees and timelines, in my experience. The children offered there for adoption are "true orphans". In fact, our agency just received a new batch of files of waiting children. No. There are no tiny babies there (several toddlers, though) but there ARE gorgeous sibling groups. There are children who have waited a long time to be claimed as sons and daughters. There are kids there who my family MET IN PERSON and fell in love with on the last trip to The Philippines. Uh oh . . . (ha ha) yes, there's one little five year old boy on that list who is a heart-stealer. He has some special needs but those only serve to make him CUTER, in my humble opinion.
Are you considering adding to your family through adoption? Please consider a true orphan. PLEASE consider a Hague Convention Country. Adoption is a slow and painful test of patience no matter which route you take but a true orphan from a Hague Country may help your family, in the long run, to avoid some of the doubts and heartache that come with a child who knows, deep in her heart, that she had another life where she was someone's treasure. Kids know. Even young children. Somehow, they know. I believe God placed a sense in us, of where we belong. Is there a true orphan out there who belongs with you?

WARNING . . .GRAPHIC VIDEO . . .Life Altering Content

I just finished watching this 33 minute video (which is very graphic) and my heart is broken. I have been a pro-life voter and an advocate for LIFE for many years but sometimes it's easy to sanitize the discussion to the point where even I forget the tragedy of abortion. I am the mother of a child who is in the category MOST ABORTED in the United States (Down Syndrome diagnoses carry a 90% abortion rate when prenatally discovered). I am the mother to TWO adopted children who were born despite their birth mother's attempts to end their lives chemically. I am not surprised after watching this video. The thought processes of some of my fellow Americans in this astounds me! Even though many of these Americans being interviewed are young, still forming opinions and not as intellectually developed as they might be in the future, their knee jerk reactions to some of the questions they are asked saddens me deeply.
If you happen to be in the market for a thought-provoking twist on a discussion that often ends in frustration for both sides of the matter, grab a seat and take a look. If you have been duped into believing this issue is "settled" and that only "old school Christians" still fight this fight, think again!
For those of you who take the time to press "pause" on your busy lives and ponder this video, I would love to hear from you, even privately. Those who just can't spare the time or would rather not ruminate on this controversial issue - I am saddest for you. When your heart becomes hard to the most innocent members of society, there is little hope.