To My "Trauma Mamas"

There's a lot going on right now.  I don't think anyone would argue with the statement that the world is in a bit of a mess. Whether you believe coronavirus/ COVID-19 is a big media blow-up, a legit threat to humanity or something in between, you can't deny it's impact on everything. From the availability of tissue paper to the closing of schools, everyone feels it.

Nobody feels changes in the air quite as deeply as our hyper vigilant "children from hard places".

If you're an adoptive parent, a person who serves wounded children directly or the  parent of a child who has been through a life-altering event, you understand the effect this recent pandemic is having all too well. 

Before I get too deep in here, let me say two things. First, every child responds to trauma differently.  This post is not intended to be a "one-size-fits-all".  Second, the title of this post is not meant to diminish the role of fathers in healing trauma. You guys are vital.  But the vast majority of families I know who cope with kids from hard places would agree that "mommy issues" from early abandonment tend to put the bullseye on mothers in a more  obvious way. 

Here are some behavioral changes you may be seeing in your children/teens from hard places during the course of the pandemic and some strategies to try:

Withdrawing- some kids simply don't have the words to put to their feelings when life feels like it's spinning out of control. They are afraid of losing you. They are afraid of being sick. They miss the familiar routine and faces that brought them a sense of being anchored. And it overwhelms them to the point of silence.  It is tempting to hound that child into opening up.  We want to help. We know talking things out can bring peace.  Please don't.  Make an offer to listen.  Ask your withdrawn child if he/she is feeling afraid. Let him know you are always willing to talk. Leave an encouraging note or Bible verse  if he is a reader.  Fill your home with worship music and joyful conversation (in as much as it's genuine).  Some children willingly talk out their feelings while others find the pressure of being expected to know themselves and verbalize what's inside too daunting. 

Acting Out - the less-welcome cousin of withdrawing is acting out. Most of us know exactly what this looks and feels like and the instincts we have in addressing it are often exactly the opposite of what will be constructive and helpful.  If your child is crying more easily, being more difficult to redirect or just flat our rebelling during this virus event, you have a few choices in how to handle it. And you're tired. You're quarantined. You also need a break and feel like you can't cope with one more behavioral issue. So your response to the acting out may not be something you'd be proud of. Pause and REJECT the desire to put your child in isolation. Sending a traumatized child to his room alone, walking out of the room on him, having him "think it over" in a place where he is alone (unless you are afraid you might physically harm him), shunning him or having others shun him or locking a door and leaving him inside an area  are NEVER the best responses. Children from trauma backgrounds already feel unlovable and unwanted at their cores. Isolating them at their worst just reinforces that belief.  "I am bad".    "I don't have anyone".   "I can not be fixed".  Those are the mantras of children of trauma.   YOU have the power to help them relearn their internal narrative. But it will take loads of patience and coming OUTSIDE of yourself. Instead of pushing away a child who is acting out, draw him in closer.  It will feel counter intuitive but, I promise, it will work. It may take months or years, but it will yield the harvest you are hoping for. 

For example, if your seven year old can't figure out how to do a jigsaw puzzle, becomes frustrated and pushes the whole puzzle off the table crying, go to him.  Hold him if he will let you. Reassure him that he is smart, he is loved and you want to help him handle his anger better.  After he is calm, help him pick up the pieces. Calmly tell him he has to use more self control. Talk about ways he can handle the anger next time it comes. If you want to enact a logical consequence like not allowing him to use the puzzles again for a week, do it. But all of that discussion ONLY after he is calm and ready to interact. Dragging him off to his room in the heat of his anger and tears would have only resulted in prolonged crying. And some of our trauma babies can cry for HOURS . . . can I get an "amen"? 

If you do give out consequences, make sure they fit the offense and have an end in sight. When a child sees no end to the punishments, he quickly gives up hope. 

Fatalistic Thinking - Your traumatized child may quickly jump to "worse-case-scenario" thinking in the light of this crisis.  Trying to shield him from the TV news or from hearing about covid-19 deaths will backfire. He will likely imagine the death toll to be much higher than it actually is and will probably hear the news when you think he isn't listening anyway.  Be realistic at his level of understanding. If it might comfort him, show him a pie chart online of all the diagnosed cases and what a small sliver of the pie result in death.  He should not be lied to or given false promises that "mommy won't let that big, bad virus get you". A little bit of concern is merited so he will observe good hygiene and submit more willingly to staying home.  If your child is given to fatalistic thinking, he is only remembering that sometimes the worst things that could happen , have happened. Remind him of times in the past that he thought "the sky was falling" and it didn't. Encourage him that he is not alone and that if you get sick or his grandmother gets sick , there are many trusted adults who will always take care of him. You may think the fear he is having is all about you, Mama. But it's about him. "Who will take care of me?".  Maybe the feeling of having no one to really care for him was more than just a "feeling" in the past.  Assure him that he is loved and will have his needs met for the rest of his life. 

Over Exhuberance - a child from a tough background who takes everything in stride may not be "super tough" or "super resilient" as we would like to believe. There are times that the overly-cheerful, water-off-a-duck's-back kid is just a hair's breath away from panic.  And he simply believes projecting joy and cheer will camouflage his true self.  You know your child. If you have seen a drastic upturn in his joy level that coincides with the virus lockdown, keep your eyes open. Keep your radar tuned in to teachable moments or "cracks in the armor" when he might give you a glimpse into his heart.  When the time is right, just say it. "You're scared, aren't you?".  "It's normal to feel worried when a lot of people are getting a strange sickness. If you're upset about it, you can tell me."

Maybe he will, maybe he won't.  But you've left that door open that reminds him that he can always be real with you, whether the real him is happy or sad.  

I'm sure there are a range of other changes you may be seeing in your kids as we navigate the waters of this virus together.  I chose the four I see most frequently in my own boys, who do life with me inside Mercy House all day, every day.  If we, as Mamas and Daddies have our own hard histories and we haven't put them in perspective and prayed through them, we might be seeing these reactions in ourselves as well. That complicates the family dynamic a little but if that's you, face reality and do the heart work in yourself as well.  Spend time in God's word daily. Talk to Him about your own fears and reactions to them. You can rest assured He won't isolate you, walk away, remind you of your own shortcoming on a regular basis. He will reassure you that you are loved, you belong to Him. Your mistakes can be forgiven and that He is sanctifying you through every high and low you walk through. 

For our own children, let's be like Him.  Nobody knows parenting better than the Perfect Parent. 

Nobody needs patient forgiveness and understand like His children. 

Easy Come, Easy Go (And Other Misconceptions)

There has been much "giving" and some painful "taking away" these last few weeks at our shelter for street children, Mercy House.  I am both sad and happy to share the events with you in hopes that your heart for the fatherless will be stirred to prayer and action.

Because we never want to work alone.
And we would not make it here on our own.

If you read my previous blog post, you know that we admitted two boys in mid January. Those boys were right from the street and the older one was already deeply involved in using drugs and collecting revenue from the younger street children by force.

Three of our MH boys. The two new ones are the younger child on the far right and the one in red next to him. 

They stayed for almost two full weeks. They went to school. They attended church and devotions. They rarely presented behavior problems and they gave us hugs and willingly did their chores.
It appeared everything was going well. But the older child asked often to use the computer. He has facebook and used to spend his days on the computer at the local internet store after he begged for (or extorted) enough money to buy several hours.  He was clearly unhappy that we do not let the children at Mercy House be online. We just can't. He asked often to visit his family, although he did not want to stay there. He asked several times if we could provide the siblings some food. We did.
Then, all of a sudden, on a Monday, 12 days after admission, one of my older Mercy House boys brought the two new boys to me. He said "they want to go back to the street."
I thought maybe they were kidding.   They were not.
Mercy House is not a jail and given that the older boy, Mark, had run away from his past shelter more than ten times, I knew he was going to go if he wanted to.  I told them that I wished they would stay but I understood if they couldn't.
And they left, taking nothing but the clothes they were wearing and the flip flops on their feet.
We waited to see if they were coming back after a little walk.
They did not.
So we set out to find them in the streets where we always saw them and, lo and behold, there they were. They came to us with no attempt to run or hide. They knew we loved them and meant no harm.
Mark, the older boy,  was passing out envelopes to the younger street kids called "sobre".  The envelopes have a message written on them asking for money for food. The younger street children are expected to return those envelopes to Mark at the end of the day and he will give them a little bit of money and keep the rest for himself to buy his solvent and computer time.

the envelopes "sobre" that we took from one of our new admissions

The younger child was eager to come back to Mercy House with us. He was dirty, hungry and still wearing the clothes he had on the day before when he left. His flip flops were gone and he was walking between my social worker and I as we took him to McDonald's without even looking back at the group of boys, Mark included, who were calling his name.

always a second chance

While we fed him, he confided in us that he did not want to run away but Mark convinced him they would find his older brother, who he loves and is committed to. This young child wanted his family ties and agreed to leave with Mark. They did find his older brother and after a small meal, this young boy led us to his brother and we spent some good time getting to know them both and their stories.

big brother, Issac, coming from behind a building where the street children congregate

They expressed willingness to come into shelter with us and, since we had already investigated family ties when little brother came to us two weeks prior, we knew there was no capable family willing to care for these boys. There was plenty of family to be found. Just nobody willing. Some had tried and labeled these boys "too difficult" to keep at home, "disobedient" or "pasaway (naughty)".
So they came to us.
But not alone.
They introduced us to two of their friends, another set of brothers. These boys are 7 and 10 and have been on the street for about three years. They also asked for help. We recognized them from the government shelter.

brother one, age 10

brother 2, age 7

These boys were pleading with us to "adopt them".  They shared with us that their father is in jail and their mother left them. They were left in the care of a sick grandmother who could not feed them, so they went into the streets to beg in order to eat.  They met other street children who showed them the ropes and they migrated to Dasmarinas, a place where there is a large community of true street kids - not the ones who go home at night. The ones who have no place to call home.
We have to use great wisdom and discernment in admitting children, rescuing, right from the street.
There is risk in taking children in who have loving parents but just want to sniff and play and be "free".  So immediately upon admission, we inform all the authorities at the local Barangays where these children originated that we have the kids and how any searching family can find us.
We then go to the Barangays within a week of admission to search for ourselves.
Yesterday, we had a very tearful reunion with the ailing grandmother who wanted so much to care for these two precious boys but simply could not.

she was so relieved to see these boys healthy and cared for

my amazing social worker having prayer with the family

And now, we have unearthed a host of new needs and a deeper call to serve. This grandmother has tremors and appears to be extremely arthritic. She told us the older of these two children was her caregiver when he was still in the home. He took her to the restroom. He helped her eat.
There are others doing those tasks now but just seeing our new resident painted in that caregiving light deepened our love for him on the spot.
And that is where we now stand.
One boy gone. Four new boys who need us.
My own personal and somewhat selfish obsession with "the one who got away" . . .

Mark, white shirt, in school where he should still be 

I know in my heart and have always known "you can't save them all". But I so desperately wanted Mark to stay at Mercy House.  He is such a smart boy- academically. He is still a CHILD in so many ways. And maybe we will get our chance. I would take him back.
 Maybe we won't get another chance with him. My prayer is that seeds were planted during his time here that will make him grow to hate street life and long for a relationship with his Heavenly Father.  Maybe I won't even live to see this child become someone different.
Maybe he won't.
But we will continue to pray and reach out anytime we see him.
Upon his admission to Mercy House, my social worker counseled with him like she does every child. They fill out a questionnaire together.  One of the question is "who is at least one person in your life who has helped you?".
Mark's answer:  "nobody".
He can no longer say that in truth.  For that, we are grateful.

Please pray for our four new boys. No longer street children. Now learning to live as sons in a family.  Pray that they came to us in time. Pray that they lose their taste for all things "street" and, as always and most importantly, they see God's hand in their lives and are drawn to Jesus for life.

He gives. He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Last Call For Families!!!!!!!

Share Your Summer 2013 is Christan Adoption Service's Philippine host program.

This program has set out to help beautiful older children from The Philippines find their families.

There are still a few boys in need of a family to commit to hosting them and, the deadline is
TOMORROW at 5pm!   You don't have to pay all the hosting fees by tomorrow but you do need
to select the child you feel led to host (with the goal of adoption in mind) and let Jim or Jenica at the agency know your intent.


Here's a little about the six boys who need YOU:


John is a 12 year old young man who has been hosted once before.  Through NO FAULT OF HIS OWN, the host family was unable to adopt him but the host mother is more than willing to talk to any interested parties.  He was a wonderful addition to their home and she hoped it would be forever.
John likes basketball and gardening.  He acts as a big brother to the younger children in his orphanage.

Daniel is 12 and oh-so-handsome! He enjoys all types of dance and he comes from a children's home that is truly Christ-centered.  I have a friend who recently visited Daniel at his children's home and has only wonderful things to say about him!

Raydelle is extremely cute and looks a bit younger than his 13 years.  He is very coordinated and likes to play all kinds of games.  He enjoys church activities and going to camp.  His bright smile fills the picture I have of him!  He is such a cute boy!

Sonny is fourteen and, no bias intended but he is my personal favorite!  If our family was not moving, we would be looking to adopt this young man.  There is something so endearing about this boy and his life story is very painful to read.  Despite a difficult early life, Sonny has become a young man with many gifts. He plays drums and guitar. He likes to cook and he is described as "shy" and "quite" by his caregivers.  Of course, he is so very handsome and in his picture, you can tell he really is shy.

Jerome is 14 and plays drums in his church band.  He relates well to the other children in his center
and his favorite food is spaghetti.  He is described as "polite" by those who know him.  He looks like one of the "hidden jewels" God has given to us . . . it's hard to know such a great kid still waits and comes dangerously close to that 16-year mark where adoption is no longer an option for him.

13 year old Jason is an accomplished artist (drawing) and also likes to sing, dance and play basketball.  He especially enjoys singing at church. Jason is respectful to his caregivers and really enjoys science.  Forgive the "broken record" editorial here but Jason is a very VERY handsome young man.

Hosting is expensive . . .(about $3,500 per child) and inconvenient (it takes up about a month of your summer) but for these young men who wait, it is a lifeline to a brighter future!  These boys don't need to come to the US to get a glimpse of "the good life".  Many of them have relatively good lives in their care homes.  The children in Philippine orphanages, more often than not, receive good care.
They are fed, clothed, educated and often attend church regularly. There tends to be a low staff-to-child ratio and a low turn-over among staff.  The circumstances that bring the children into care  are most often poverty related, death or incarceration of parents and inability of extended family to provide for the children.  But every story is different.  The information provided to interested families is thorough and, in our experience with four different adoptions from four different orphanages, accurate.

Adopting from The Philippines is a straightforward process with no bribes or hidden "fees" like a family may experience in some countries.  English is widely spoken in and around Manila and travel in country can be as little as five days (although I recommend staying longer. There is SO much to see, do and EAT in that wonderful place that you won't want to leave too quickly).

If you feel God pricking your heart for one of these precious boys, DO NOT WAIT!!
Contact Christian Adoption Services immediately! The deadline is just one day away!

It won't be easy but I can promise you one thing . . . it WILL be worth it!
www.christianadopt.org

                                                 The first meeting between me and our newest son, adopted at age 15