I have an uneasiness in my spirit lately. I don't know exactly why or where it came from but I have been walking around with that feeling that is hard to explain. It's kind of like the feeling you get when you know you've put your foot in your mouth but you can't talk to the person you've offended to make it right. Does that make sense? It also feels like the feeling I had as a child when I knew I told a lie and it was just a matter of time before the truth came out. It's that pit-of-your-stomach ache. It has been dogging me the last couple of days. I know it's in relation to our upcoming adoption because when I think about it, it gets worse. ( No, we're not having "cold feet". Not even close.)
I'm a Believer in Christ but I don't know much about spiritual warfare however, I do believe there is some of that going on in my mind. The Enemy has been whispering doubts in my ear (not audibly, don't worry - ha ha) that go something like this:
"He doesn't want to be a part of your family. You're second best.There's somewhere else he'd rather go."
"He's going to be very disappointed once he gets here and finds out how things are."
"Your lives are too boring - homeschooling, church, family events - nothing like the constant activity at the orphanage. He'll go stir crazy in your family."
and even worse . . .
"You're being used."
In my quiet time, I've been reading through Samuel. I could not WAIT to get into God's word this morning and pray through these terrible doubts and fears. In Samuel, God wanted a closeness with His chosen people that would be impossible when they were ruled by an earthly king. Even today, God is asking the same of me, imploring me not to trust my feelings or the lies of the enemy but to go straight to Him with my heart's concerns. He alone can make this path straight. He alone can silence the enemy and restore peace. I don't need to turn to friends for counsel or to supplemental books for explanations about His will. I just need to trust and obey - keep walking in what I know to be true and leave everything up to Him.
I came away from my quiet time with peace - peace that whatever happens with this adoption, with my family, my health, my children, I know that it is all under the authority of a loving and sovereign God.
I am feeling like I may need to take some practical steps to keep this peace in the forefront of my heart and mind. First, I feel like I need to step away from the computer a lot more. I have decided to log on only once in the morning and once at night, and only for a short time. I have been "googling" things that I am fearful of and the results of my searches induce fear rather than peace.
Second, I realized that worries have colored my relationship with these wonderful children God has given me so I decided to take them out for a day at the movies just relaxing and having fun together. It was medicine for my soul! We saw "Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2" (because we really enjoyed #1) and I have to say that before, during and directly after the movie, I did not think about the things that are bothering me even once.
I have never struggled with much anxiety or persistent worry and I'm telling you, even this tiny peek into how it feels makes me so sad for people who do. It's all consuming. The up side? I've lost a little weight (vanity, thy name is "Nikki" - ha ha).
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6