I often struggle with how much to share on the blog. In years past, I would have had no trouble opening my heart and letting the contents spill all over this site. But right now, today, I am a missionary. I want to be careful that this adoption/ministry/Mama's heart blog is just as authentic as it ever was but also that it never disparages the ministry under which we serve.
But at this very moment, I have to throw caution to the wind and share something that has happened and my downright unspiritual, self absorbed, childish reaction to it.
If you are an adoptive parent, you may have experienced the unnerving phenomenon known as "love at first sight" with a child.
I have had this happen EVERY time we have adopted. I would see my boy on the Special Homefinding list and think "Oh, there he is. That's MY son. Time to get the paperwork started . . . "
And EVERY TIME, he was ours. My spirit knows my children. Even before there are any guarantees.
I never even feared, with our 5 adopted treasures, that they were not mine. Because they were. They are. Just the same as our two home-grown.
|Grandma and Grandpa in The Philippines with us!|
I began to suspect that God was closing the door on our own home to more children and, instead, we would serve MANY and invest in the children here in a different way. And I was fine with that. Truly. A little relieved, actually.
And then, my lightening bolt hit. At a party we attended for a nearby orphanage. A child came into the party so very quietly and put his head down at the table. And not that it matters, but he was a very beautiful child. I asked his name and age and gave him a craft to work on. I know my hands were shaking because my there-you-are was in full swing.
I asked a caregiver about him and found out he was part of a small sibling group.
And in walked younger sibling . . . There-You-Are . . . again.
But even more eerily, after the party, two of my own big kids noticed these children and said they should be ours. Oh, my joy!!!!
Because we serve children with special needs at this location, we visit fairly often. Each time I saw these siblings, it was confirmed in my heart that they were our kids. Their names, their faces, their ages . . . perfectly matched to our family.
In typical "when our family adopts" fashion, I approached my husband. In typical "my husband" fashion, he was hesitant but willing to pray about it. Being the provider carries with it innate fears. I get that.
As hubby began to warm to the thought of these children coming into our home, I worked up the courage to ask their orphanage director if they were available for adoption.
Her answer wrapped around my heart like a heavy frost . . . ."there is a family pursuing them now . . . the paperwork is in process . .. etc etc".
This was only yesterday. But I am confused. My There-You-Are has not been wrong before. This was something I knew just the way I know my own. I did not WANT to be drawn to these children! I was not looking to add to our family and I still am not. I'm open and willing to do whatever the Lord asks of us but am not "cruising" for more sons or daughters. We have been blessed to overflowing with the ones we have. Above and beyond.
I am tossed between being so happy that these children will have a family to being downright jealous that it isn't mine to wondering, still, if they will find their way to us.
Anything can happen in the world of adoption. Especially as it crosses country lines. Approvals are not a guarantee.
And that's a terrible thing for me to say. I know. Please show me grace.
I warned you. Unspiritual. Childish. Self-Absorbed.
But Faithful God in His perfect timing let me hear the news of their impending adoption on a Saturday.
Today is Sunday.
I anticipate I will walk into church still a little sullen and out-of-joint.
And be convicted.
And learn to trust Him more.
And decide to let this one go . . .
New ground for an "experienced" Mama. Always room to grow and change.
Hard lessons from a loving God.