Adoption is Not the Gospel

There. I said it.   It has been  gnawing at my heart, mind and spirit for nearly a decade and I was never brave enough to put it in type and own it.  Now I am. And I will say it again.

Adoption is NOT the gospel.   The gospel is the gospel.

I am a four-time adoptive mother. I am an orphanage director. I love and support adoption and find it a beautiful picture of the growing of a family through an avenue not dictated by biology. It's an act of obedience for the families called to it. It's an adventure in "dying to self" that we might never experience any other way.

For many families, adoption is the will of God. It yields blessings too many to number. Yes! God does set the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6) and He calls us to look after orphans and widows (James 1:27)


But it is not the gospel.


Countless books, posts, summits and quotes tout "adoption is the gospel" or is as close to the gospel as a picture we could paint with our flesh here on earth. And I disagree. And I realize I'm nobody and I am disagreeing with the likes of John Piper, Russell Moore and numerous   learned scholars who could bury me in any argument any day of the week with all but one brain cell tied behind their backs.

But, folks, I don't see it. And I have adopted. I love my adopted children to the ends of the Earth.

The gospel, my friends, is the sacrificial death of a holy, perfect God on the cross for sinful, undeserving man.  The gospel is the ONLY hope for hell-bound sinners (that's all of us, by the way) to find life outside of the condemnation we all deserve. 

So where, in this list of descriptors of the gospel of Christ, does the Earthly picture of adoption show up?  Are we, the adoptive parents, the representatives of Christ? Are we saving our adopted children from a literal or theoretical "hell" when we adopt them? Are we laying down our very lives for the purpose of bringing children into our families?  It might feel like it some days but, I assure you, the act of adopting a child will not cost you your literal life. In most cases, anyway. 

And if it did, your death wouldn't pay for a single sin. Neither would mine. 

Wouldn't a more accurate picture of the gospel be we, as adoptive parents, changing places with our adopted children?  We would go live in orphanages as the fatherless and they would be ushered into our homes, no qualifiers needed. We would give up everything in our own lives and just simply hand it over to children who hate us ? Isn't that more in the range of the gospel than us bringing a beautiful child into our homes where we inadvertently get a host of benefits, not the least of which is being able to parent precious children who had no family. 

Adoption is GOOD.  Adoption is BEAUTIFUL and Adoption is HARD.  But when it is equated to the gospel, when it reduces the gospel to something even remotely reproducible by the very recipients of the pure love of God the Father, who had no sin in Him, it falls agonizingly short.  

The same scripture that calls us as Believers to "care for orphans" also calls us to "care for widows". But how many fund raisers have your friends held, how many Go Fund Me pages for the care of widows?  How many of us as Believers are rushing to bring widows into our homes? I never have. It never even crossed my mind to do that.  I wanted more children. That was at the heart of our adoption. Maybe that isn't the case for every adoptive family. But I wanted a bunch of kids. And I got them through adoption. 

Adopting my sons never felt like the gospel. It felt like what it was. Adopting sons. It was exhilarating and awesome.  It was obedience to the call on our family. But the analogy that adopting them was somehow a type of "salvation" for them or for us just felt awkward. And wrong. It's not like what Jesus did. It's what people do. We take care of each other in whatever way God tells us to. 

And where does  "adoption is the gospel" or "adoption is God's heart" leave our fellow Believers who aren't called to adopt children? Do they feel "less than"?  Do they somehow miss the full illustration of the gospel in their lives because they haven't adopted a fatherless child?  I pray they never feel that way.  I pray they understand adoption is a calling on specific families while CARING for the fatherless is a mandate for all of us who claim to belong to the great big family of God. 

Please hear my heart on this. I LOVE ADOPTION!!! I LOVE MY ADOPTED SONS and my biological children with all that I am. 

It is beautiful when the children in my orphanage are united with their forever families through adoption.  It's my heart's desire for the ones who also desire it.

But no human analogy - not adoption, not marriage, not organ donation, not soldiers dying in combat, not people selling all their worldly goods to move to the third world to open an orphanage, not any single act we can engage in can hold a candle to what Jesus did on the cross those 2,000 years ago to reconcile us to God.

That singular act of love, which needed no repeating for a new batch of sinners (unlike adoption which presents a continuous need for new families to reach out to new orphans)  and which could only be satisfactorily completed by God Himself, is final. And incomparable. 

Adoption is adoption. Worthy in it's own way.

The gospel is the gospel. Beauty beyond comprehension, sacrifice beyond replication , good news with no parallel.  

Perfect for the imperfect.  Holy for the sinful. 

Life giving and soul saving in  the only way a human soul can be. 

Adoption is not the gospel. The gospel is the gospel. 

 

 

Never Enough

Admission Day

 April 19, 2016. The local government in our new town contacted Mercy House seeking help for placement of a 12 year old child who had been on and off the streets for FOUR years. Do the math . . ... FOUR YEARS. That means he began to live the life of a beggar, scavenger, self-protective, "look out for number one" child at the age of eight. Eight . . .

He was so guarded when he came to the center for the first day. He had tears in his eyes but would not let them fall.
The other children tried to welcome him and offer him clothing from their own closets since we live far from the market now, didn't know he was staying and needed a little time before shopping.
He refused the clothing. He tried to fist fight with the biggest resident we have.

On the first day.

He needed to establish himself as "top dog" so he would not be hurt or taken advantage of.
He wouldn't look in our eyes when spoken to.  He would not come when called.  He wanted nothing to do with us.  He asked our caregiver how he might get back to the place where he was in the street. He asked if there was a jeep or a bus from Mercy House to the street. 

We informed him that there is no bus or jeep but, as we tell all the children, we are not a jail. If he would please just stay for one week and if he is still unhappy at the end of a week, we will take him wherever he wants to go within reason.  He agreed.

By the end of the third day, he was coming when called. He gave a few reluctant hugs and started to obey us when we asked him to tend to his personal hygiene.  His resistance was wearing out.

By day five, we asked him if he would like to have a visit to his family home and be a part of some counseling and planning for his new, better, brighter future. 
He agreed to go.

His "home" when he was not in the street

This is the home he led us to. Inside was a mother ready to give birth any day, a grandmother and many young siblings.  We talked and prayed with them and left feeling pretty hopeless. The needs were OVERWHELMING and the notion that this child could ever return here was dismissed. He was not wanted or tolerated. He had caused too much trouble and the family was exhausted.

We Understood.

We expected this child would live with us while we started the long road to either family reunification or adoption. We planned for his school enrollment, had his medical check up completed, fashioned a nice bed, purchased clothing and shoes and prepared for a minimum 2-year stay with us.

And that was fine. It's what we do.

Although this child proved to be one of our more challenging in regard to behavior, and seemed to have little desire to change, we continued to include him in every aspect of life at Mercy House- chores, tutoring, church, devotions - and he made all of those things a LOT harder than they had been prior to his arrival.

And then "Auntie Andrea" arrived from the US.  He liked her immediately. He wanted to sit by her and hold her hand. He showed more affections to her than he had to any of us up to that point. 
Thankfully, she allowed it. And even MORE thankfully, she bought him his very own Tagalog Bible.

We discovered he is an excellent reader!

Auntie Andrea went back to the US and he missed her. But he continued to read the Bible she gave him. He asked us to help him find John 3:16 and Romans 8:28 and Matthew 25:40. This child who seemed to NEVER be listening and rarely to be engaged in his environment was like a sponge, soaking it all in and keeping it in his own quiet way.

And we saw changes in him that we now recognize as a child starting to understand he is loved by God and created for a purpose.

Just a month into his stay with us, the "big boys" of Mercy House were invited to go to a Christian camp a few hours from our center.  He attended.  He came back very excited about the things he had learned. He told us he wanted to follow Jesus and have a life that is committed to him.

We were thrilled. 

Generally, "Daddy Anthony" will counsel with children who are expressing their desire to follow Jesus. We want to be so careful. No "easy believeism"!  We want to make sure they understand what they are expressing and that they are discipled. We want them to know what blessings are bestowed on them at the time of salvation and what the cost of obedience amounts to. 

Before we could have that conversation with this child, we were informed that a relative came forward who knew little of the severity of this child's situation and when she found out, wanted  to assume responsibility for him!

We were happy.
And sad.

This is what we DO. It's our greatest joy when  a child can be united with biological family and raised in his own country and culture. Yes, we love adoption. But it's not "first choice".  

Our hearts were both joyful and heavy as we met together with the biological relatives, local government representatives and realized this family was serious, committed and understood the needs of this child.  I never knew you could have joy and sadness at the same time until beginning this work.

You can.

Our Last Day

So, yesterday, we said "goodbye" to this precious treasure of a boy and entrusted him to his biological relatives. But more than that, we entrusted him to his Creator who still has that plan and  purpose for this life.

But, for me, it just wasn't enough.  Not enough time with this child. Not enough discipleship. Not enough training in manners and study habits and how to be respectful to others.

He wasn't "done" yet. 

I wasn't done yet.

But God, in His infinite wisdom, placed this child in our care for just one month and eight days.

For me, never enough.
For our Heavenly Father, who could do all of this without our help, no doubt, it was
enough.
Please pray for this child and a successful upbringing in the care of his relatives.
Please pray they are humble enough to call us if they need us.
We begged them to.
Part of me hopes they do. The selfish part who really loved getting to watch this boy change and grow. 
Now that I know this boy, I can not imagine him wasting his potential in the street when he is brimming with possibilities.

As always, thank you for supporting our work at Mercy House so we can be here when called upon in situations like this.
Without YOU, praying and giving and keeping us encouraged by reaching out, we're done.
 THANK YOU.


To financially support our work at Mercy House, please click the link below:
Mercy House 

Or log on to: www.mercyhouseph.org under "donate"

Welcome Home, Anak!

So . . . you're adopting a child from The Philippines who will be more than three years old when he comes home?

Let me share some wisdom with you that I pray will make the transition easier for all of you. 

You probably already know that The Philippines is a wonderful place from which to adopt.  The children in care here are generally in small orphanages (by worldwide standards) or foster homes.  They have most likely been loved by their caregivers and the staff turnover for caregivers here tends to be low.  It is highly possible that your child is leaving a place where he was well cared for and loved  in exchange for a life of permanency and inclusion into  your nuclear family.  

And this is SUCH a great thing!  Every child deserves to be claimed, given a last name that matches his family and told "forever".

Ezekiel's Adopiton Day

And so, after 21 years of marriage to a Filipino, four international Philippine adoptions and, now a new life running a child caring agency in The Philippines, I am feeling like I have a few pearls of wisdom to offer families adopting  older children from this wonderful place I now call "home".  

I share these based on my own experience and I understand every child and every situation has nuances of it's own. 

Take what helps and reject what doesn't. 

WHAT EVERY ADOPTIVE PARENT OF A FILIPINO CHILD SHOULD KNOW:

1. The children here eat lots and lots of rice - and I don't mean Uncle Ben's.  Invest in a rice cooker and some jasmine rice to welcome your new one home.  The familiarity of a staple food can go a long way in easing transitional jitters and, if he doesn't like the other food items offered, at least he will have some rice (and soy sauce) to fill his belly while you figure out his diet together.  Some safe bets for early-homecoming meals if you don't have access to authentic Filipino food?   Roasted chicken with rice,  fried fish with rice (even young children here know how to navigate around fish bones), or baked pork chops with rice.   Basic cross-cultural foods.

2.  Your child (school age) may ask for and use baby powder.  It's used in elementary schools here for keeping cool. Every morning before school, our Mercy House kids have me put powder down the back of their shirts and they also put a dusting on their faces. Everyone does it.   No biggie.

3. Children here are never alone.  They don't sleep alone, they sometimes even shower with a same-gender housemate, they travel in little groups.  Your child may be very afraid of that beautiful bedroom you worked so hard to decorate JUST FOR HIM.  He has probably never slept in a single room before.  Add to that the cultural superstitions here about "ghosts" , "white ladies" and the "tik tik" that comes to lick the bellies of pregnant women in the night and you have a recipe for a terrified child.  I hate to tell you that a simple night light may not do the trick.  Some of our toughest-acting street boys become frightened children when the lights go off.  

4. Even in the hottest places, air conditioning is often not available in living spaces so, if you use air conditioning at home, your child may get very cold, even when you are not.  In time, they adjust to their new environments but in the interim,  his insistence on wearing that hoodie or snuggie everywhere you go is not just for dramatic effect.  He's probably freezing! 

5.  Your new child may be very afraid of your indoor pets.  There are lots of pets here and may dogs and cats but they are generally kept outside and, we have noticed, they aren't very big.  Your "big" dog here is probably  the size of a long-legged beagle in the US.  There are street dogs everywhere here and they are pretty small by western standards.  Give your new child lots of time to get to know your pets.  He may need it. 

6.  The term for the bathroom here is the "CR" - "comfort room" . .. even if your child speaks a small amount of English, asking him if he needs the "CR" will be more easily understood than any other term for that crucial place! And since we're already talking bathroom talk, let me share something you will want to know if your new child isn't diapered.  Kids here often undress from the waist down and squat on the rim of the toilet seat to use the bathroom. And most child caring agencies can not afford to buy toilet paper so children wash themselves after using the restroom with a "tabo".  It sits in what we would think of as a 5-gallon paint bucket full of water next to the toilet and the child reaches over, dips and rinses.  No towel required.  There you have it! 

7.  Even our young children here in care like spicy foods.  They especially like having a tiny sauce cup on their plates that they can mix soy sauce, vinegar and labuyo (hot, small, red pepper) into.  After the meal,  our kids drink that sauce if it's not used up - to my horror!

8.  Please don't overwhelm your new child with material goods.  Here, having a pair of tennis shoes of your own is a pretty big deal. Very few children have bicycles of their own. They are generally shared property. None of the kids I've met in care have any electronics.  Hold onto the "easy to please" aspect of your child as long as you can.  The more you buy and offer, the more he will expect and, believe me, if he is older, someone in his life has likely told him that going abroad means he's going to be "rich".  Focus on the loving bond by spending time together, don't spoil the appreciation he has for  the small things by filling his life with "stuff". 

9.  The terms "mommy" and "daddy" are used here to refer to caregivers often.  Please don't take it personally.  I remember when one of our boys came home and was telling me a story about his "other mom" (caregiver) and it cut me to the heart.  I wanted to yell at him 'I'M THE ONLY MOTHER YOU HAVE! SHE DIDN'T ADOPT YOU! SHE'S NOT YOUR MOM"  but, of course, I kept quiet.  And I am so glad I did!  Moving to The Philippines has taught me that those family words are simply titles here.  The kids call our social worker "Mommy Love" and their old social worker "Mommy April" and they understand completely that these ladies are not their actual parents.  This is a term of respect for someone who takes care of you.  Your kids will also refer to their caregivers as "Tita, Tito, Auntie, Uncle" etc and will likely say "my sister in The Philippines . . . " when telling you about their housemates.  A sort of family created by love and not blood or birth is what they are referring to.  These early bonds are good indicators of future attachment and should be appreciated and not resented.   Hindsight is 20/20, huh?   I definitely wish I'd known this before adopting.  

10.  The Philippine culture is very emotional.  Your child's despedida (or going away ceremony) MAY be filled with tears from everyone who knew him before you.  I find this whole process so healthy for our children although it may leave us feeling like kidnappers who are doing something awful to a child we love.    There will be guilty feelings and questioning of whether taking your child from this loving family environment is a kindness or a cruelty.  Trust me, it is VITAL that children in care be adopted. I heard a poignant quote at a recent training seminar I attended. It was penned by an adult adoptee. She said:

"I had to give up everything I knew in order to get everything I needed".     The truth of these words will stay with me, especially  as we process children in our care for adoption. 

11.  This is a party culture!   From birthdays to Christmas to baby dedications,  The Philippines is a place of parties. The parties here are full of food, karaoke,  card playing, dancing and more food!  Christmas here is a country wide even with parades for weeks beforehand, and lots of festivities.  Many adoptees find Christmas in the western world very quiet and dull compared to the way it is celebrated here. 

Be encouraged! If you've already adopted your child and, like me,  missed out on some the information that could have made the transition easier, take heart!  The final observation I'll make about our Filipino children is this:

THEY ARE VERY RESILIENT AND EXTREMELY FORGIVING

You are learning  to be his parent and he is learning to be your child.  You will find your own comfortable spot in these roles and that takes time and plenty of "do overs".     And isn't that the best thing about life?  Making new paths and holding hands along the way?

Enjoy your child.  Learn  his culture.  Bend and flex for him.   He is worth it.

The "Christian Vacation"

Recently, I've read and heard a good bit of scrutiny of short-term mission trips.  This could be because it's summertime in the US and many of my friends, or  the children of my friends, are fund raising for short term trips.

Once, a fellow missionary shared with me that short-terms teams just get in the way and bog down her schedule.  She saw my mouth agape and quickly followed up with a long list of all the reasons they are a blessing but, the cat was out of her proverbial bag by then.

Even Dave Ramsey, an author and financial teacher I greatly respect, referred to short-term mission trips as "A Christian Vacation".
In one of his radio bits, he balked at the way some Christians want to go help in other countries for very short amounts of time and they want YOU  to pay for it.   For some people, maybe that's the scheme. I can't speak for anyone going on a short-term mission trip nor can I address the motivation of his heart. 

Speaking purely as a parent, I loved the fact that two of my own children got to spend time on the field in Mexico, Romania, The Dominican Republic and The Philippines.  Those trips laid groundwork for the eventual moving of our own family to the field and, at the time of the short trips, we had no idea God was preparing them for it.  But He knew. 

What I CAN do is give you some pretty darn good compelling reasons why my family and I - missionaries to street children in The Philippines - LOVE having visits from "short termers".   I'd also like to share the benefits I perceive that the "short termer" might walk away with after a visit to a developing nation. Some of these are so obvious I feel slightly stupid even typing them but if even one person wrestling with whether to COME to the filed or just send money instead decided to actually come out here, I will sleep with a smile on my face tonight.

So, here it goes . . .

From the missionary's perspective, a team or small group of short term missionaries provide:

1. A Pep Rally - Just as in every facet of life, it's easy to fall into a routine and start going through your days a little numbly.  When visitors arrive at our ministry and we get to introduce them to the children, tour the areas our street kids used to live and talk about our plans for Mercy House, the fire in our hearts gets rekindled for what we are doing.  We are snatched from the mundane and reminded of the great things God has tasked us with.  And as much as we love seeing visitors get teary-eyed when we share the stories of our kids with them, we ourselves are choking back emotions and some of those emotions are gratefulness that we have, once again, been reminded of "the bigger picture".

2. A Chance to Teach- Anytime I'm talking to a visitor, especially a teen or young adult, I keep in the back of my mind that this could be a future missionary.  I am careful with my words so as not to discourage the listener nor to imply that anything apart from sharing the saving Good News of the atoning death of Jesus is paramount here.  It is easy to get "sidetracked" by meeting the felt needs of children who have lived horrible lives and to forget that, without the component of the gospel, we are wasting our time.   The chance to impress that on a short-term missionary is a golden opportunity I never want to miss.

3. The Ability to Spread the Fire - short term visitors will often return to their countries of origin with a huge heart for the ministry we have here. They will tell others, they will fund raise, they will encourage their friends to come.  This is vital to our sustainability.  Yes, God provides but He often uses the passion of short term visitors as the vehicle for our provision.   We need that.

4. Simple Friendships- It can get lonely out here on the field.  Making new friends is not as easy as it was in our old lives. We welcome those lasting friendships that can be spawned by serving side by side.


And some of the Blessings we hope our visitors will receive are .  . . .

1. A Cross-Cultural Experience-  Everything from the food to the restrooms is different in The Philippines.  It's so good for people to step out of their comfort zones and live on someone else's turf for awhile.  Yes, it's hard. Yes, you make a ton of silly mistakes that leave the locals snickering at you.  But, oh, the vast stores of knowledge you gain just by simply being away from all that is familiar.  They are priceless.

2.A Better Understanding of True Poverty- I remember joking about being "too poor" to eat out after church on Sunday when we lived back in America.  I never joke about being poor anymore.  Poverty is a brutal trap and it is much different from not having extra spending money.  It means not having the basics - food, clothing, clean water, medicine when you are sick, supplies needed to go to school.  I learned that living here.  It is our hope that short-term visitors will walk away with a better understanding of true poverty and that it is not always because the poor are lazy.  The poor in The Philippines are usually VERY VERY hard working - taken advantage of by their employers sometimes - and continuing to work manual jobs in intense heat because they know it means survival for them and their families.  Okay, sorry. Off the soap box.  This is something so dear to my heart and, maybe if you'll come and visit us, it will become dear to yours.

3. An Opportunity to Unplug and Listen- Internet out here is spotty and slow.  Visitors are not allowed to be online in our center for more than a few minutes a day to update family and friends.  Those components work together to help unplug our visitors from technology.  And on the field, that's a  GOOD thing.  It's hard to absorb what is going on around you with ear buds in your ears blasting
and youtube videos parading across your line of sight.  Thankfully, there's little time for those things on a short term trip. And you might be surprised how little you miss them when you're here.

4. Doing What You Were Created For- Yes, of course you can do what you were created for - worshiping and sharing your Savior - while in your own country. And you should!  Daily.  But there is something about being with people from a culture other than your own that removes the barriers of fear and makes people bold.  The communication barriers (although many here speak English) somehow help fear to diminish and boldness to creep in.  And when you have experienced truly, verbally, boldly sharing the gospel with a soul who  needs to hear about forgiveness, you are never the same.  That is something you take with you no matter what country you are in and, hopefully, continue to share.

So, if you are praying about going on a short-term mission trip and feeling like it may be a waste of time and money, PLEASE consider some of the points I've brought up here - and that they are coming from a real, live missionary living in a real, live developing nation.  And then write your support letters, have your car washes and bake sales, pack your bags and hop on that plane.  If God allows even ONE of these points above to become a reality in your own life, I think you will find it well worth the effort.

From the missionary perspective, I know we will.   So thank you, on behalf of all missionaries,  for considering, for praying, for stepping out in faith and for leaving your comfort zone to come and get your "hands dirty" for awhile. 

We hope to see you soon!

The Quandary

There is a lot of shifting going on in our lives right now.   Our two amazing biological children left us and went back to America.
We took one of our Mercy House boys back to his foster family today ( after catching him attempting to steal from us ) and we immediately picked up another child - an eleven year old boy named JayVee.   He is already proving to be a LOT of fun.  He has an amazing sense of humor and, as an added bonus for ME, he speaks a lot of English.   I can usually tell within a few minutes if I'm going to click with a child.
We click.

JayVee (green shirt) posing with our son, Kyle

There's no quandary in these things. We miss our bio kids. We are thankful JayVee is with us and we're sad that, after 8 weeks at Mercy House, a child decided to steal from us.  Easy peasy.

Here is the quandary that keeps us up at night and has us utterly CONVINCED one minute and filled with doubt the next:

                  REUNIFICATION

We have a tiny boy in our care at Mercy House. He has a mother, an aunt and a grandmother who love him.  They want him back.
Seems simple enough, right?  No.  Not right and not simple.

This photo is purposely a little vague to protect the privacy of the people in it.  The little boy being held is our Mercy House child. The lady holding him is his grandmother, who has missed him for nine months. The woman wiping her eyes is his biological mother, who struggles with mental health issues and wandered off with this child nine months ago, unable to tell authorities where they truly belong.
We looked for them for three months and finally found them. They didn't know where this child was. They were frantic.
And now they want him back.
Our ministry philosophy has always been and is still that Filipino children are best off in The Philippines with their biological family whenever that option is a safe one.
But is it?
This child is THREE.  This little family is poor and struggles with basic needs.  We can help them there but is it enough?
Our social worker has the weighty task of evaluating and monitoring this family to ensure that they take care of this little one but none of us can be there around the clock.
And add in the "monkey wrench" of the fact that we really love this little boy.
And you have  THE QUANDARY.
The power of words is startling in this situation. The recommendations we and our social worker make determine the course of this precious child's life.
Our words can send him back to his family or they can start him on the fast track to adoption.
Our words can keep him here at Mercy House for a long time or send him away  in a matter of weeks.
This deepens the quandary.
What if we decide he can go back to the family and something bad happens to him? What if his mother relapses and takes him on another long walk to unfamiliar territory?  Will he be so lucky the second time to be placed in care before an accident happens?
In my pre-missionary days,  there would be no quandary. I would have stated unequivocally that being adopted to the US, Australia, Spain or somewhere "richer" was clearly the best answer to his need for permanency.
But I live here now.  In a developing nation.
And I know that for every child placed on the road to adoption, another child is waiting. And another. And another.
There are simply not enough adoptive parents open to older child with negative birth history to ensure that someone will step forward for this little angel.
And he is.   An angel, I mean.
He's funny and smart and very small for his age.  He understands jokes and tries to speak English a lot.
I know some family out there has been praying for a little boy just like him.  Only they don't know it.
And we could get him all set to be adopted.
But is that the best thing for him?  Not only him.  His mother? His grandmother? His aunt? His two older brothers?
They love him, you know.
Being poor doesn't mean they love less deeply than the rest of us.  They are just more powerless.
THIS is another layer of the quandary. I know what the Bible says about the responsibility I have toward the poor.
This is the reason I cling to the book of James and the promise that God gives wisdom generously to those who ask for it.
I'm asking . . . 

I Can't Change THAT

I'm in a unique position that I wonder if I share with any other Philippine adoptive parent.  Probably so.

Our family had the distinct pleasure of adopting from The Philippines FOUR TIMES while we were living in the United States.  All four adoptions were  individual and happened over a span of six years. 

AFTER being an international adoptive parent, my family was called to full-time service of orphans in The Philippines.
We have now lived in Silang, Cavite for almost a year. We have worked with children in orphanages and we now run a shelter/orphanage for children ages 3-13.

We have lived in two very interrelated camps.  One "life" in the adoptive parent camp and one " life" in the child caring agency camp.

And although we still have so much to learn in BOTH arenas, I have learned something so valuable, so vital that I believe every adoptive or pre-adoptive parent should know it.

I believe, as an adoptive parent, I had a LOT of unrealistic expectations of the child caring agencies that sheltered our kids.
I want to share some of those with you and encourage you, if you are waiting, to adjust your expectations and understand the limitations of a child caring agency, even the very best ones in the world!

CHILD CARING AGENCIES CAN NOT . . . 

...promise your child will not have undiscovered learning challenges.
Children in care are almost always delayed in the areas of speech and learning. I have found this to be true in my own adoptions and I see it with the children in our care.  The big question is "WHY?".  The short answer is "we don't know".  I would suspect that some of our kids have birth  parents of low intellect and that may contribute but, considering that MANY adoptees catch up academically, that doesn't account for all the delays.  My heart tells me that kids who don't have permanency in their lives - meaning a "forever family" just have trouble learning and developing.
God created children to live in families and be raised with a mom and  a dad who cherish them. When that design is varied, I believe the child does not reach his highest potential.  
We have home tutoring with our children here daily. They are preparing to attend our local public school in June. I know that the children we have are "smart kids" but they are also painfully illiterate, for the most part.  This is not due to lack of effort on our part. I long for them to find their "forever families" and then to hear,  in time, of the great gains they will make.  Until then, we do the best we can to help them.

...ensure your child will be a Christian.
This is an unfair expectation to place on any child caring agency.  The fact that an orphanage is run and staffed by Believers does not mean your child is a Christian and will behave as such.  GOD draws hearts to Himself in His way and in His time.  I can assure you that a child in our care is prayed with and prayed for. He participates in daily devotion and Bible reading.  He attends church.  Does he have a personal walk with Christ  wherein he has come to the Lord for forgiveness of sin and a new heart?   We don't know for sure. We hope so, we pray so.  And if he hasn't yet, we pray that He will.

...know for sure that your child does not have a physical disability.
I have heard of several cases where a child, after adoption, is discovered to have a  disability not noted in his file.  Maybe some child caring agencies try to "cover up" problems to get a child placed but I believe that is a rare occurance.  Most likely, the disability was undiagnosed because your child received medical care in a country that is not quite as advanced, diagnostically, as the country he was adopted to.  The children in our care receive check ups, vaccinations and dental care.  If we suspect something significant, we will have it investigated.  Some issues simply do not "show up" well in group care.  If a child is having tiny, mini seizures, it may look to caregivers like he is daydreaming and not raise suspicions.  If your child has hearing loss but has learned to lip read and/or "follow the crowd", a caregiver may not key in to that.  If you adopt a very young child, the chances increase that he/she may have a delay or challenge not yet manifest well enough to raise concerns.
Most child caring agencies in which we have worked, and now in  our own, do due diligence to make sure special needs are known prior to placement. Sometimes that doesn't happen.  It is unfair to judge your child's orphanage harshly for not noticing what YOU notice. It happens from time to time and is never easy. Although we are human and make mistakes, keep in mind that our God is not and never does.  He knows who needs to come to your table and maybe, just maybe, He veiled that issue from the eyes of your child's caregivers and revealed it to you for YOUR own faith walk.  Maybe.

..."westernize" your child.
This can be a sensitive issue. I can be an insensitive blogger.  I'll do the best I can here. 
I'm a white American. My husband is a Filipino. There ARE cultural differences, plain and simple.  Some adoptive parents probably believe it is the responsibility of the orphanage to prepare a child for adoption so thoroughly that the child slides into Western culture seamlessly.  I disagree.
The kids in our care know how to use the restroom (which they call the "CR") like an American if needed. We have toilet paper and rims on the seats for sitting.  So far, the kids we serve prefer to squat on the rim, barefoot, and not to use tissue. They wash their bottoms with a "tabo" - a plastic sauce pan of water- and air dry.  It's their way.
We use silverware here at every meal but some of our children ask permission to eat "Kamayan" - with their hands. Again, it is what they are used to. 
Our kids squat at circle time rather than sitting "criss cross applesauce".
The older kids know how to hand wash and hang out clothing. One of our girls is very good at it.
They will come to you, depending of their ages, with a whole lot of years lived in Philippine culture. This is a rich and distinct culture.
Some of the things they do here may get them teased by their peers in their new lives. other habits may simply annoy you as a parent, still others are just fine left alone. It is not the job of the child caring agency to decide which cultural behaviors are "okay" and which are not.  Please speak kindly of your child's caring agency even if he/she is not the least bit "westernized" when he/she comes home. In time, it will come. 

HERE ARE A LIST OF THINGS WE CAN DO . . .

love your child
provide food,clothing and shelter
make sure he gets dental and medical care
send him/her to school
tutor him at home
tuck him in at night, with hugs and kisses
help him begin to learn right from wrong
hold and reassure him he is more than "just an orphan" when he is teased
tell him/her how precious he/she is every day
read the Bible with him
remind him that God made him, he is special and he has a big purpose
 
And I'm proud of that list of "cans". It is a privilege to have such an opportunity with a child who we know is not ours forever. It's a hard job and a precious one.  It takes a lot of diligence and discipline to keep focus. It would be easy to get lazy and take shortcuts but we will not. 
We are accountable to the Lord.
We are accountable to future parents.
We are accountable to that child.

So, please go gently with your child's orphanage. Give the benefit of the doubt. Believe the best and pray for the staff and caregivers. Their job is so difficult and yet of the utmost importance.   If you have criticized unfairly, apologize. Set it right.
If you have found just cause for criticism or uncovered egregious errors committed with intent, there are venues for addressing that, talk to your adoption agency directly.
But I beg you to be fair.  Adjust your expectations and even be GRATEFUL.  Your child was taken in when so many remain on the streets.  Your child was fed when many starve.  Your child made it all the way from a developing nation, rife with human rights issues, into the safety of your arms.  . .
                                     THANKS TO A CHILD CARING AGENCY SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY

  

"If We Are The Body . . ."

The title of this blog post is taken from a Christian song by the same name, written by Mark Hall for Casting Crowns sometime around 2002.   You may remember the chorus, that says something along the lines of . . .

AND IF WE ARE THE BODY, 

WHY AREN'T HIS ARMS REACHING?

WHY AREN'T HIS HANDS HEALING?

WHY AREN'T HIS WORDS TEACHING?

I heard it for the first time "back in the day" and,  frankly, was annoyed by it.  I thought it was too cynical. I felt like maybe the writer was talking about his own church, but not MINE.   I felt sad that the people most convicted by it would likely be the ones pouring themselves out for the lost and yet, feeling that they aren't doing enough.

I am now singing this song right along with my youtube Casting Crowns video (with lyrics, of course) and asking if we, all of us, even me, really ARE doing all we can in the body of Christ?  And if we are, why am I staring eyeball to eyeball with SO many orphans every single day?

And on top of that gripping frustration, I have an overwhelming fear. . .

THAT ORPHANS ARE THE NEW 'CAR ALARMS' OF THE CHURCH

What do I mean by that?   Do you remember how, in the "old days", when a car alarm would sound, everyone would look, wonder and react?  Now-a-days, we don't even turn around in a crowded parking lot to see who's car alarm is sounding.

Is the plight of the orphan going the way of the car alarm?   We used to be moved to tears by the faces of the children in orphanages. We used to step out in faith to open our homes to children who we knew might be damaged beyond our parenting skill set.  We did this without enough money, enough room or enough bunk beds . . . but we did it because they were there and we are blessed.  We did this in spite of the fact that our own biological progeny might have to step aside for awhile and get over themselves.   

And some of you still are.  I fear your numbers are shrinking as you are still redeeming, serving, opening . BUT . . .

In walks "orphan care", telling us that adoption is not for everyone and if we just box up our old clothes and shoes and mail them to Haiti or Guatemala or The Philippines, we have fulfilled James 1:27 because we're "looking after orphans".  And we ARE!  We, on the front lines, do not want you to stop participating in orphan care.  Adoption is NOT right for every family.  But I believe it is right for many who are running the other way because it's expensive and messy and so unbelievably risky.

WHY has our beloved adoption agency in the states (www.christianadopt.org) had such a hard time finding families for just 12 children slated to come to the US for summer hosting?   WHY does a beautiful 12 year old boy in my Saturday class not have a long line of families hoping to adopt him? Or even a couple?

Is it because consciences are assuaged by "orphan care"?  How better to "care" for an orphan than to be the ones to remove that stigma and make him a "son" ?  What shows MORE love of humanity than calling her "daughter" who was once rejected?  

Let me assure you of a few things if you decide that God is calling your family to serve orphans in this way:

1. You WILL bite off more than you can chew

2. You WILL question your decision a thousand times after your child comes home

3. Your life WILL get exponentially harder when you bring a once-abandoned child into a loving home

4. Your biological children WILL suffer in some ways - but grow and flourish in others

5. You WILL want to find the blog writer who pushed you over the edge toward adoption and have a few words with her (ha ha)

6. You MIGHT have to make decisions about whether keeping your new child is worth it. And you will be unlikely to ever face such dark, painful choices in life again

7. You MIGHT struggle to encourage others to adopt because it's so darn hard, but you'll look at your child and realize adoption is a good thing.  And you'll still encourage others

8. You MIGHT find that blessings come in unexpected ways and your own walk with Christ EXPLODES with "realness" as you walk the path of an adoptive parent.

9. You MIGHT lean on your spouse more than you ever have before, and strengthen that marriage in new ways

10. You MIGHT understand concepts like selflessness, going above and beyond, faking it until you make it, putting your own needs way down the priority list and "growing" into love rather than having it thrust upon you.

But never forget, that He who has called you is faithful.  He is oh, so faithful, friends!  He pays for what He orders, He gives us our daily bread, He makes us more than we thought we could be for the sake of His great name and His own glory.  Some of these things, I am sure I never would have known up close if it had not been for our adoptions - both the smooth ones and especially the bumpy ones. 

I know that, personally, I have so far to go in knowing Him and in fulfilling the responsibility He has given us toward orphans. 

So far,  I have barely stepped foot onto the path. 

How about YOU?  Are you called and running?  Are you certain you are among those for whom adoption is not the right path? Do you even know what His word says about Believers and Orphans?  There's a free adoption Bible study at the web site of Home For Good Foundation (www.hfgf.org) that might set your feet toward whatever God has for you.   No matter where He leads, my prayer is that your are always moved to reach out.  That orphans are NOT the car alarm in your church and in your life.

They are real, living, breathing children who long to be claimed.  They wait, growing a little older each day and understanding a little more fully their plights.

Consider it, my friends.  Ponder it.  Seek and Ask.  Be intentional.

Most of all, do not fear . . . 

 

 

 

A Change of Heart

I hope you'll indulge me a bit here.     This is one of those "fighting to get out of me" posts but it has little to do with The Bartimaeus Project or our specific work here in The Philippines.

It has to do with my own personal convictions being turned on their heads.

Those who know me "in real life", or even as long-time blog readers know that I am direct. I am
resolved. I am unapologetic about my convictions - whether they be controversial or widely accepted.

Living in The Philippines has caused me to rethink a few tenants I once held dear.

Among them are:

BEING QUIVERFULL:
There was a time in my personal journey as a wife and mother that I firmly believed EVERY married Believer should throw away the contraception and let the Lord choose his family size. I still do believe that SOME families are called to walk this path.  I can no longer justify it for all. First, it is not clearly mandated in scripture (although I would have called it "God's Best" in years gone by). Second, there is NO WAY IN HADES I could look into the eyes of parents here, in The Philippines, who struggle to feed their three children and are only in their 20s and tell them that God forbids them from controlling the number of children they have.  And if something is not universally applicable among all Christians, it's "gray matter" and gets tossed aside (cue sound of brick breaking a window).
That being said, I would still love to adopt (or even birth) more children if God deemed it. I welcome as many children as He gives us. But that is OUR path . . .  If I ever judged any of you for choosing to limit your family sizes (by non abortifacient means, of course), please forgive me. I am learning and growing. I pray that never stops.

VACCINATIONS:
This is one of the most scalding of hot-button issues among families, especially Christian families. SUPER "especially" HOMESCHOOLING Christian families.  I have been on internet forums where women proverbially "rip each other new ones" over whether or not vaccinating children against common childhood diseases is effective, necessary or even abusive.
If you live in a country where you can choose NOT to vaccinate and your child can still live a healthy, long life, stop RIGHT NOW and thank HIM for that freedom.  In this country, vaccines DO save lives!  Now, before I get 357 comments asking for proof and documentation, let me just share something anecdotal here.  I can not PROVE that vaccines have saved specific children but I can prove that non-vaccinated children here die often of diphtheria, rubella, complications from measles and  that POLIO still lives on here in remote areas.  Again, I would NEVER EVER EVER (even with Dr. Fred Mercola holding my hand) stand face to face with a poor family and encourage them not to vaccinate their children.  Likewise, I would never encourage you to send your child to a country like this  for a mission trip unvaccinated.  The responsibility is too great and the stakes too high to play around with this issue.  All of my children are now caught up on their vaccines and if, later in life, there are autoimmune consequences, I'll be sad.  But if they have made it through years of living here without rubella maiming their unborn child or diphtheria shortening their lives, it's a trade worth making. 

ECUMENICALISM
I don't want to scare anyone with this change in me but, here, I see people of different faith streams working together VERY WELL for the common cause of the poor.  As a person of reformed theology (Calvinist-ish), serving alongside those who are very, very Pentecostal, staunch Catholic or even doctrinally liberal has not been a problem.  Again, there was a time in my pre-missionary life when I would have assumed it untenable to work on a project with those who hold such varied beliefs because we would, inevitably, come to an impasse over some issue and have to part ways. Serving here has not changed my own personal convictions about the  reliability of scripture (as 100% inerrant) nor about God's sovereignty in ALL things (including salvation) but it HAS helped me to understand that it is possible, and even desirable, to work in harmony with other Believers who hold different doctrinal beliefs.   I don't have to agree with these people in all areas to find enough common ground to "get the job done".  As long as we all agree that salvation comes only through Christ and HE is the ONLY way to the Father, I think we can cross other bridges as we come to them. And we may never come to "other bridges".  When the needs here are screaming out at us and families are shattering before our eyes, doctrinal differences hardly seem discussion-worthy.

CHILDREN BELONG IN THEIR FIRST FAMILIES
Adoption is amazing, wonderful, beautiful and one of the best decisions or family ever made.
That being said, I believe children, EVEN POOR CHILDREN, belong in their original families whenever possible. Just because I can give a child more "stuff" does not mean he should join my family.  Adoption is a radical measure for a child in crisis, not a "first,best plan" for a child who's parents don't have a nice house or money for the dentist.  I think about my own adoption as a daughter of the King.  It would have been BEST, of course, if the Fall of Man never took place and I was born into a relationship with HIM and stayed there. It was because of a huge crisis, the disaster of sin, that He enacted spiritual adoption.  Now I don't have to live as an "orphan" with the grim prognosis of one who has no lineage.   THIS is why, when I share photos of ministry we have done with children who still  have families, and comments like "I wish I could take them all home with me" are typed, I cringe.  They don't WANT to go home with you. They want to stay with their  first family, right here in their shack with no running water and no electricity.  Sometimes they NEED to come home with you because they are unsafe or alone. Sometimes the first family has had to sign them over for permanent adoption or has dropped them at a shelter and never returned.  Adoptive parents are the "soft place to land". We get to be used by God to fill a gaping hole left by sin in this broken world. But for the grace of God, we could BE that "first family", unable to keep and raise our own offspring.  Trying to keep first families together should be the goal of any ministry working with the poor. When that just can't happen, adoption BECOMES the best option!


Those are the major changes that have taken place in my worldview since moving over here. Maybe I'm just typing this post for catharsis and it doesn't mean a hill of beans to you readers.  Maybe you haven't even read this far down.  MAYBE I'm going to get some "hate mail" now.  I don't get much of that, thankfully. Maybe it's my turn  to get "ripped a new one" by some of you??  That's okay, too.
But I'm a person who will say I'm wrong when I believe I am.

In some places, I have been wrong.

In others, I'm still wrong.   Just trying to prayerfully examine my convictions, line up with scripture the best I can with this fallible, finite mind. . praying I do no harm in my areas of ignorance. . . clinging to the knowledge that when I am weak, HE is strong!

The Beauty of Three

It is a day for celebration in our busy household!

Today marks three years since our amazing, beautiful wonder-baby, Ezekiel, joined our family and brought us the kind of light and joy that came unexpected and welcome . . .

"Gotcha Day" . . . March 8th, 2010

But his story started long before he made his way down the jetway and into my arms.

Long before . . .

Ezekiel's birth mother had no idea the baby she carried was a child with Down Syndrome. After his birth, she was still unaware. It was not until Ezekiel was two months old and birthmom took him to a clinic for a check up that a doctor shared the news that devastated her and thrust my precious baby into orphanhood.   She was told he had not only Down Syndrome but a heart defect.  For a single mother with another child,  and an ill-paying job, she  knew that a diagnosis like this would be expensive and she could not provide.  So she did an extraordinarily unselfish deed.
She took him to an orphanage nearby in hopes that the people there could afford to fix his heart and find him a family.
But they said "no".
They, too, realized that a child with Down Syndrome is expensive to care for.
And hard to place.
So she journeyed on to try another orphanage and came to Gentle Hands.
She met a woman named Charity, the director. A woman who knows the value of EVERY LIFE . . .
And she said "yes".

This is one of the last photos of birthmom holding Ezekiel on Surrender Day.

This was taken at the orphanage. 

Ezekiel was lovingly cared for and given medications and check-ups at GH. He was mothered by
a woman named Thelma who gave him her heart, knowing it was just a loan . . .

Ezekiel and Thelma 

 Ezekiel grew and thrived at Gentle Hands for more than two years!

He was their first child with Down Syndrome, but would not be their last.  I have a feeling they
learned from Ezekiel the same thing we learned.  Children with Down Syndrome are set apart. They bring unspeakable joy and an adjusting of perspective to all who are lucky enough to know them.

Ezekiel and Charity . . . the one who said "yes" . . .

And this is the very picture we saw  that made our hearts leap for joy because we knew THIS was one of OUR children!  So with the help of many, especially the group started by a precious lady called "Friends of Ezekiel", the concerted effort to bring him home to us met with success!

This is the family that God chose to bless with Ezekiel. 

The brothers who protect him. . .

The people who cherish him . . .

The mother who would do anything for him . . .

The Kuya who adores him . . .

The Ate who takes such good care of him . . .

And the father who let faith triumph over fear to bring home a son who would always be with us . . . 

I can say with complete confidence that in the three years since Ezekiel has been ours, there has not been one regret!  He fits into this family like he has always been here. I have often wondered if God miraculously changed his DNA to mine and his father's.  But I would never want that.
I wouldn't  change one thing about this boy's journey to our family.
Every life he touched needed touching.
Every heart he held needed holding.
Every sacrifice made for him needed making.

It is my heartfelt prayer at this three-years-home celebration that even one mother who has received a Down Syndrome diagnosis for her baby might stumble upon my blog.  She might consider the cost and know the JOY and choose LIFE . . .

Maybe she is afraid that this life will be burdensome.  Possibly someone in a white coat has talked of the heart defects, low intellect and lifetime dependence and she feels trapped.  I won't lie to her and tell her it is exactly the same as parenting a typically-developing child.  There are differences.
But they are not burdens.
They are privileges.

Happy three-years home to my little grace gift . . .

Made in the image of a Holy God . . .

Today

Little Sadnesses, Bigger Joys

I'm have so many conflicting thoughts I want to organize into a cogent post. This may not be the one . . . .

I think of a hundred amazing observations I can't wait to share on my blog - when I'm behind the wheel of my car or sitting in the dentist's chair with a sucky straw hanging from the corner of my mouth,  or up to my elbows in ground beef making dinner for this hungry herd.

Oh, yes, the things I want to share with all of you . . .


There are small things like:
I grew up believing that slim jims were encased in sheep intestine and only recently found out they aren't. They are edible collagen casings.
OR
When tracking our progress on the C25K app, my friend and I discovered we cover just about as much ground walking as we do running.  We are either painfully slow runners or lightening-fast walkers. I prefer the latter.

There are big thing like:
We are just a couple of months away from full-time mission service in The Philippines and my heart is ready but my house is not.  Deciding what to keep, store, sell and give away is not a simple task.
OR
We are heartbroken over recently having to leave a church we have loved for years. But we had to in order to be true to our convictions and to send a strong message to our children.  And I feel like the sadness just sticks around like an heirloom necklace - too valuable to put in some box but too ugly to wear...

I feel blessed and lucky but also overwhelmed and inadequate.
 Aren't we all those things much of the time?  

So with all the jumbled-up, frenetic, impossible-to-ignoredness, I go to where I am grounded and sure.  The Word.

And I see comforts like:
"Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you". Hebrews 13:5
OR
"The blessing of the Lord makes one rich and He adds no sorrow with it." Proverbs 10:22
OR
"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16


So I am struck by the notion that all the things I want to share don't amount to much unless they exhort, encourage and point to the Lover of My Soul.

And the sadness and heartache over the temporary are inevitable but shrink to smallness when held up next to the everlasting Word.   I can not fathom walking life's road without knowing My Savior. How do people cope? Where do they turn for steadfast guidance? Comfort? Help in times of trouble?

To Oprah? Dr. Phil? A therapist? A friend equally lost?  A bottle? Workaholism?

So, this little stream of consciousness might read a bit flighty because that's how I'm feeling as of late.  But it all comes full circle to the one who holds me close in times of clarity and times of confusion - and teaches me that the "big picture" is not something I always have to understand up front.  

And I'm happy to rest in Him and not "advise" Him as I am so prone to do.

He is doing fine without my advice and I am learning to be led.

Through little sadnesses . . . and bigger joys . . .

Why Date?

I dated as a teen.  Too much.  With little discretion and often times just to say I had a boyfriend.
This was long before the "in a relationship" facebook status made your friends flip out and you could be locally famous for a little while. . .

Many of my friends, whom I consider to be wonderful parents let their teens "date". It is an individual choice with which every family must assess it's comfort level.

But my teens don't date.  That's our personal conviction and I'll tell you why . . . it's plain and simple, really.  It's not something we can point to one verse in the Bible and say with confidence "see, dating is a sin".  Because it isn't.   But we discourage it for one primary reason . . . .

We don't want our children to give their hearts away, over and over, with scores of "I love yous" to people who are just passing through.  The kind of stirred up emotions you feel for that person you are dating are so intense.  He is "yours" and you are "his".  There's a claim being staked with no long-term commitment.  Even in a dating relationship that stays very pure, the emotions are a freight train and they can carry your heart away . . . again and again as you search for that "just right" person. It only ends up in pain and awkwardness because, let's face it, so few of us have found our "one and only" at 16 years old that technically, it is just practice with some game playing thrown in. 

That's it, in a nutshell.   

There's really no need to "practice being in a relationship" before that one special person comes along.

How much more precious will that best friend turned lifetime partner feel when he/she understands that you waited for them, not just with your sexual purity but with your heart and devotion as well. 

How much more committed will that marriage be when you can honestly say your spouse is the first and only person who captured your heart and gave you all those pit-of-the-stomach, can't-wait-to-see-you feelings?  

I imagine it would be spectacular. But I can only imagine because I was a serial dater from 15 years old until I finally met my sweet husband at age 23.   How I wish I had insisted on friendship only and never said "I love you" to others . . . it muddies the waters.  It just does.

Plenty of opportunities for my older teens to be "in a relationship" have presented themselves. They have had many interested parties over the years.  When my teens tell those suitors they prefer to stay "just friends" (and I have actually had the honor of hearing this said), some stay as friends and others choose to move on.   And it's a great winnowing process for them. 

And those who stay are smart.  Because one of these days, one of those wonderful friendships will turn into "the real thing".  And only the Lord knows which one.

So to those parents who have chosen to allow your teens to date, to be "in a relationship" long before that child or his bf/gf have the money, maturity or desire to make it a marriage, I ask you to consider what the benefits might be?  Does it make your teen feel more "normal"?  Wanted? Is it filling a void that should be filled within the family or by a deeper walk with Christ? Is it just your teen following the herd? 

There should be purpose to the decisions we make.  Even these. 

Again, please see my heart on this issue. Allowing your teen to "date", especially one who is spiritually  grounded, raised to respect others,  and who has the uncommon ability to put others before himself is NOT a sin.   It is a highly personal decision.

We just chose "no". 

If you haven't chosen yet, because your children are young or are simply disinterested in that facet of life at this point, pray through it with seriousness.   It matters . . .