Please Don't : "Biblical" Discipline and Kids from Hard Places

 

It was back in the year 2000 I was first introduced to the "Biblical" parenting methods I'll talk about in this post.  My husband and I along with our two young children (3 and 5 years old at the time) moved from California to Washington State. 

We found a great church that focused on the deeper things of God's word and we grew in our faith by leaps and bounds. We also noticed the children of the members of our church seemed extraordinarily compliant, obedient and quiet during family-integrated services. 

My own kids were (and still are) wonderful people. But I was curious about how these parents were able to teach even two year olds not to interrupt adult conversations and to go to sleep on command with no "night time routine" required.  

It didn't take long for a fellow mom to introduce our family to "Growing Kids God's Way" by Gary and Marie Ezzo.  We bought the manuals, we devoured the chapters and instituted the methods in our own family. It was not a drastic shift from the way we were already parenting but it was certainly a much needed "tune up" in some areas in which we felt we were lacking. 

There are things we LOVE about GKGW and I want to talk about those first:

1. Children are not the center of the family, Jesus is.  Our lives do not revolve around pleasing our kids, they revolve around pleasing our Maker.

2. Children learn to ask FORGIVENESS when they hurt someone rather than just throwing an insincere "Sorry". The onus to forgive is on the offended party. 

3. Children learn a good work ethic and are not handed material gifts liberally

4. Children learn to think of the feelings of others and not just themselves

5. Very young children learn sign language in order to circumvent the frustration of not having the words to express themselves

There are other great things about this method and, in our family at that time, we had only biological children who had been wanted, loved, nurtured and cherished from before they were born. 

But a few years after we began following GKGW, we became adoptive parents. And here is where my heart BREAKS for families who can not stray from GKGW. . . 

Adopted children are always "children of trauma". They are OFTEN "children from hard places". They are frequently victims of abuse, neglect and insecure or absent attachments.  

Even if you were handed a new born baby, straight from the womb to adopt, you are being handed a child of trauma.  Why? That child has not only lost his/her first parent, that child was gestated in the womb of a woman likely wrestling with her own life's pains and the decision to relinquish him/her. The stress hormone in that baby's pre-birth environment can and will have negative effects on the growth and development of that child.(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6310253/)

The precursor to GKGW is the Ezzo's book "Babywise".  In Babywise, parents are encouraged to place their infants on a strict eating and sleeping schedule that the parents deem suitable. Gary Ezzo goes so far as to reference God the father's refusal to take his son off the cross when He cried out as the basis for not going in to your infant when he/she cries out.  

Imagine a baby who has come from a place (be it birth mother or inattentive orphanage) where his needs are not met when he cries out being placed into a "Babywise" family where his needs are not met when he cries out. Eventually, babies stop crying out. And parents may believe this indicates he is satisfied and content when in reality, he may have simply given up. The consequences as he grows up can be life-altering.  

The aspects of both GKGW and Babywise that pose potential damage to children of trauma are:

1. This is a totally parent-driven approach which authoritarianism is highly prized. When a child has trust issues, this approach quickly becomes a "me against them" in the child's mind and he will often rebel in every way he can. You can not "out spank" a child with a strong will from a hard place. He will take your punishment and turn it into fuel for his anger. Trust me. 

2. This approach promotes Pharisaical behavior, in my firsthand experience. A child learns what behaviors win approval of adults and he does them. He learns what behaviors provoke the "wisdom maker" (paddle) and he avoids them. The premise of the book is that when a child is made to obey outwardly, his heart will follow.  The Biblical description of the nature of man says different. 

Our hearts are wicked and without a regenerating relationship with Jesus, we are not capable of any good thing. 

3.child learns to conceal his true heart in exchange for pleasing the adults in his life, the problem is compounded.  Now we have a "hidden behavior" or "covered sin" issue to add to the mix. Aside from guiding our kids to choose things that please God just because we love him, we are tasked with figuring out if our child is obeying to avoid punishment or obeying because He longs to do what is right.  

For some adopted children, learning to manipulate others has been his source of survival. 

When behaviors are demanded from a heart that is not sincere in manifesting those behaviors, we are inadvertently creating pharisees.  This is a comfortable place for many adopted children who already have attachment issues. They PREFER to behave in a way that pleases you but can not stand the expectation of true heart work - where parents acknowledge their pain and ask them to share and express it. The thing a wounded child needs most - the raw business of unpacking his trauma and putting it into perspective - often feels to "out of control" or GKGW parents. 

4. Spanking.  Spanking is a very big part of both Babywise and GKGW.  Whether or not you spank your children is a debate for another place. We did. And then we didn't. 

Using physical discipline with an adopted child often feels like bullying to him. Or revictimization. 

The use of terms like "rod of correction" make parents feel that spanking is a mandate. God corrects us with a "rod", right? 

Many theologians would argue that "rod" of correction is the shepherd's crook, used for guiding, not striking, the sheep.  And the bible does plainly state in Proverbs 23:13 that we are not to withhold correction from our children and "correcting with a stick" will result in a child making life-giving choices.  So spanking is not forbidden in the Bible but neither is it commanded. In these instances, parents must seek the face of God on the approach that best meets the needs of their child while communicating to him that he is safe. For us, spanking doesn't communicate that to a child from a hard background. So we don't.  

"Rules without relationship breeds rebellion".   When the bonds are not strong, the rules and discipline will not have the effect you desire. I promise. 

When GKGW started to feel uncomfortable for us, as adoptive parents, we began looking for a better way.  I was handed Michael and Debi Pearl's "To Train Up a Child" and I read in horror as intense amounts of spanking and FOOD WITHHOLDING were touted as Biblical parenting techniques. 

I was in tears by the middle of that book and only finished it because it felt like watching a train wreck. I could not look away.  

A quick internet search of this little "gem" will fully explain my terror at the thought of any parent implementing the principles in this book. Children have died.  I do not assert the Pearls are at fault for parents misusing this book but I do assert that the methods in this book are overly cruel, harsh and loveless, despite what the author's try to portend.   

After a little additional search, prayer and the understanding we don't need a book or method to parent but we sure wanted to have a Biblical guide, we found "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by  Tedd Tripp. 

We read it. It resonated.  Yes,  spanking is advocated here. We just omitted that practice and soaked up the gentle wisdom. The premise of this book is RELATIONSHIP with a child that points him to Jesus. The focus after discipline is on restoring the child/parent relationship to an open and loving place.  The parent is in authority, of course. But the goal is not simply outward obedience but a deep understanding of what puts any of us, adult or child, into a right relationship with God and the blessings that flow from that. 

It's not a perfect text. Only the Word of God can claim that title. 

But, for us, it answered what was wrong with other popular ideologies and fit well for a child who was adopted or biological. And we, as parents, learned about our own hearts and need to surrender fully to our LOVING father at the same time. 

So,  please, adoptive parents,  do not follow any cookie cutter approach to discipline. Do not simply look at the well behaved children of your friends and do what they are doing. Don't take my advice for any of this without deep prayer and introspection.  If it feels too heavy, rigid, unloving or if you see your practices putting DISTANCE between you and your child, STOP THEM.  The spirit of God in you will tell you when you are on the wrong path with your child. Will  you listen? 

For further reading:

http://www.ezzo.info/top-resources/article-index/78-gkgw-critiques/173-whats-wrong-with-growing-kids-gods-way

https://www.babble.com/mom/to-train-up-a-child-teaches-punishment-that-kills-kids/

https://mljadoptions.com/blog/spanking-is-not-effective-20140917

Remade: A Woman's Perspective on Mission Life

It has been six years since my family moved to The Philippines in service of street children. It has been an entire year since I've touched this blog and, to be honest, I had to reset the password because I had forgotten it. 

Please don't mistake the year of blog silence for "life has fallen into a predictable routine".  The only thing that is predictable here on the mission field is that nothing is.

And being a woman on the mission field, I have found, brings a unique type of challenge. We are so relational. Plus, they don't sell tampons here but that is a whole other blog post.

Looking back over my older blog posts, I see that I am nothing like her anymore. She was so optimistic. She believed that she could reach even the most distant child's heart.  Her faith was stronger than it is at this moment and she wasn't as tired. But she is so much wiser now.

 Kids have come and gone. More than 85 children have been served in some capacity in Mercy House's live-in, residential care program. The coming in is wonderful. The "going" part can be brutal.  We have said "goodbye" for happy reasons like family reunifications or adoptions. And we have said "goodbye" for devastating reasons like running away or  the need to  transfer to another place more equipped to serve a particular boy.   Every "goodbye" does something to my heart.   And, even as a four-time adoptive mother, these six years have changed my view of adoption radically. Adoption truly is NOT for every child nor is it for every family.  Some of my boys who have been adopted are struggling in the most painful ways. Some are laying waste to their adoptive families with their trauma. And we have done all we can to prepare them. Those who are thriving are the youngest and most resilient. The brokenness of the world  takes no prisoners. Everyone in it's path feels the burn to one degree or another.

In the last year, my precious mother has been diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer, my stateside children have had struggles that are unreachable here and we have undertaken a building project that has added a lot of weight to the load we carry.

But I suspect this life isn't so different to what it would have been had we not come 8,000 miles from our home land to serve. There would still be family sicknesses, struggles and people we lose physically and emotionally as life moves forward.

The distance magnifies the helplessness but the loneliness compounds everything.  The loneliness has always been and will probably always be the strangling part.   There have been countless times of feeling like I wanted to implode from having no one to talk through the hurts with.
 And as a Follower of Christ, He should always be the One. But there are times when a girl friend with a listening ear, no judgement  and lots of  "that must be hard" is what my heart wants most.  And can not have.  A friend guaranteed to spur me on and believe in my crazy ideas. The plans that others would say are too big or too silly to walk in.   The things I want to try that are too fragile to share in case they are crushed.

So I suppose when Paul said in Philippians that everything he once held dear he now counts as loss compared to the greatness of knowing HIM, he might have   meant things would be like this. 

But the OVERWHELMING peace and joy that follow us over here are the warm blanket over the hard days.  And now that we have been at this for six years, we have literally raised several of our boys from small street children to amazing young men who, although not given a family by adoption for various reasons, have found a PLACE that is their own.  Parents who will walk with them into adulthood, however flawed we are, and pour into them what was missing for those years the street stole. 

And God has drawn our oldest son, Aaron, into the work with us and that has been a great source of joy for me.  He has kept our immediate family here healthy, an illness here beyond the norm is a great fear as we just don't have the access (or insurance) we once did. 

If you asked me "if you knew then what you know now, would you still have come?" the answer would be, I would have come SOONER.  I would have RACED headlong into the distance and loneliness and other trials I have walked here.  I would not trade a moment of this life for the comfort of my old one.  I would not miss a second of holding broken boys while they grieve in exchange for an ounce of additional "me time".   Because THIS IS LIVING for me. It is not the calling on everyone's life (and I am thankful for that because so many of you are needed to stay where you are, serve in your workplace and family and be our champions from afar).  

So, to my precious friend who is on her way over here, family in tow, ready to tackle the crisis of fatherlessness with wide-eyed optimism. . .  hurry!!  

This life will not be easy. But I expect you know this. The enemy will come at your both guns blazing in a firestorm of discouragement in hopes of sending you away defeated.  So cling to the cross! 

The pain of the mission field brings the goodness of God into clarity.  The successes in ministry remind you that it is all HIM because we are more frail and less competent than we care to admit. 

"Superwoman" is a myth.   On the field and off.  

Peace, Be Still

I am sitting alone in a dark house at 4:25am Philippine time.

The remnants of Typhoon Yolanda are blowing outside and that wind is something to hear!
Our windows are all closed and latched and yet the curtains are fluttering.  If I did not know we were in a typhoon, I would just assume we lived by the train tracks.

This storm is not just "fresh in my mind".  It's still here.

 And I certainly don't want to use a national tragedy like this and make it all about "me".  There has been loss of life. There are going to be more homeless people as the sun rises than our developing country can serve.  Those things tear at the seams of my heart because I love this place and the people here.

But I was given a glimpse at a peace I have scarcely known, as this storm howled.

Like most of you, my faith has never truly had to carry me through threat of physical harm.
Sure, I don't like flying so I FEEL like I'm in harm's way every time I board an aircraft. I have to pray and rest in the sovereignty of God, but that has more to do with my own deep-seated fears than any probability of harm, real or imagined.

This storm has been real.  There is possibility of harm coming to me or, worse, my precious family.

But there is peace . . .

As I sat on my bed with two of my children and listened to the ruckus outside my window, my conscious mind thought "this is scary stuff" but the deep heart in me felt cradled and altogether peaceful.

I pondered that paradox while it was taking place and thought . . .
THIS IS THAT PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!

And it was. It is.
It is a familiar sense that I can only recall having a few times in my life.

It came when I began to go into labor with my children.  Each time.
 Engulfing fear swallowed by "I feel wrapped in a warm blanket".

It came while I sat by my precious son's hospital bed, watching him struggle to breathe and seeing the treatments fail to open his airways.
 Sheer terror with an underlying "God has got this."

It is more than just ignorance of the threat. It goes beyond feeling bulletproof.

There really IS a peace that defies understanding.  It is an illogical peace that, given the circumstances, should not be there.

It is where my humanity gives way to His sovereignty and it is a blissful place.

And although He does not "owe" me anything and need not "perform" to reassure me, this kind of peace removes any doubt that He is the real deal.

The genuine article.

The ONLY wise God.  The one in whom I can always put my trust.

The lyrics of an old k-love song say it best:
"Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child" . . .
I don't even remember the rest of the song.

 

Where's The "Radical"?

I read a quote from John Piper this week, one of my favorite authors and teachers.  The quote said:

                            "to prospective missionaries, Jesus says, "i promise to work for and be
                             for you so much that you will not be able to speak of having
                             sacrificed anything." -piper


And I had to "AMEN" out loud, share it on my facebook and do a little research to make sure Dr. Piper actually said it in the first place. 

I have not read anything I've so staunchly agreed with like this, aside from the Bible itself, for a long time.

It made me ask myself "WHERE IS THE RADICAL?".

I remember having a giggly, girly type conversation with my BFF, Thea once. We talked about how "radical" some people think big families are or families who adopt older children.  We agreed together that neither of us - her with her zillion kids and me with my multiple adoptions- felt very "radical". Only blessed and hungry for more.     We thought maybe we weren't doing it right. 

Many of you have read the book to which I am referring.  "Radical" is a Christan best seller in which Dr. David Platt encourages Believers not to buy into the American dream of safety, comfort and material wealth while the rest of the world lives in poverty and often without Christ.   That book was a game changer for my husband and I.   It was the impetus to adopting our then 15 year old son.
 It was the catalyst to us increasing our financial giving, getting out of debt and it's what helped solidify our already wet-cement plans to sell our worldly goods in exchange for a life serving  in The Philippines. God used that book to help us shore up and rebuild some simmering-below-the-surface truth that needed to be turned up to a full boil.

So here I sit, typing away in The Philippines with seven children, a growing ministry to special needs orphans, thousands of miles from my parents, siblings and closest friends  and I ask the question again:

WHERE IS THE "RADICAL"?    

One issue the book did not address and I made some huge assumptions about was the PAIN that would be involved in exchanging our former life for this new one.

I expected it to hurt.  A lot. 

We don't own anything in America anymore. No car. No house. Not even a bicycle or a tent.  I've always enjoyed my "stuff" and I truly expected the selling off part to hurt more.  I had a hard day after the yard sale because reality came full force. It's kind of like that decision to cut your long hair short. After the first big "CHOP", there's a secondary panic.    I had that.  
And then it went away as fast as it came.

The work here is hard.  It's hot. It's paperwork-intensive.  Our finances are dwindling.  I've had intestinal parasites. I don't know how to drive here so I'm utterly dependent on my husband.   We've had many typhoons. The traffic is brutal.
Let's see .  . . any more complaints?    Oh yes, we've had things stolen from us and I never get time alone. The bugs here are huge. The geckos in my house are pink, rubbery and dart out close to you when you least expect it. One of my kids is getting over impetigo even as I type.
I think that's all.
No . .. wait . . . there's no toilet paper in public places here and no rims on the seats. There is no dollar store. No Aldi.
There. That about covers it!  

But even so . . . the JOY of serving the children in our care overrides the BUMMER of the facts I just listed.

WHERE IS THE "RADICAL"?

I think I had it all wrong.  Radical living doesn't hurt.  It produces abundance, a closer walk with my savior, an inter-dependence on my family and a life filled with purpose and clear direction.  

It has hard parts and draw backs.  It has down sides and "if onlys" .   That's not the same as the  agony I expected. 

This isn't MARTYRDOM,  it's privilege.   A high honor and a GIFT that I don't feel deserving of.

Please don't think for one second my attitude toward this life on the mission field has anything to do with ME.
I am NOT awesome!
I am NOT super patient!
I am NOT  'outdoorsy" or a "risk taker"!

I like to lay in bed with a chocolate bar and a good book just like the next girl.  
I do that here sometimes. The chocolate here is really good.  

But as I ask, actually BEG,  my Heavenly Father to take my heart and mind and place it in submission to Him, things look a lot different.

And I started poking   around in God's word for some information on why I'm not struggling more.   

Of course, I started with Paul.  He really suffered for the sake of the gospel! Beatings, imprisonment, exile, 
abandonment by some who claimed to be for him . . . and here's is what he said:

  ¹¹ Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. ¹² I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. ¹³ I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4

And THIS from a man who had issues bigger than bad traffic and rubbery geckos! 

Another lesson learned.  Another misconception righted.

"Radical" is not synonymous with "painful",  "torturous" or "being turned inside out".
THOSE things were at their peak before we ever left US soil.  The prying from our clenched fists has been a lifetime in
the making. One. Finger. At. A. Time.  YEARS.  Refined by adopting.  Polished by hard things. Molded by jumping off the cliff and praying the Catcher really DID say "jump".

In the thesaurus of my ever-learning heart, "Radical" is followed by "rising above", "contentment", "ultimate purpose"
and "unmatched peace".

Maybe in a year, things will be hard and awful.  Maybe I'll get to wear a martyr's crown and can, in complete truth, cry rivers of self pity.  Maybe I'll be packing my family and going back to my first country. 

Whatever He says, I pray I will do.  Wherever He sends, I pray I will go.

There is a RADICAL JOY in RADICAL living!  

            

Mercy is Spoken Here

Let me get one thing straight.

I NEVER intended for this blog to become a "RAD blog".   I had no plans to be the author of one of the most widely-circulated
adoption disruption stories on the internet.  www.bringinghomezeke.blogspot.com/2011/02/adoption-disruption-down-and-dirty.html


This is NOT the type of notoriety an adoptive mother longs for when bringing a beautiful new child into her family.


I simply shared my son's agonizing story and it resonated with more than 50,000 readers.  I poured out my heart in that post for catharsis but primarily because I had turned over every stone online and in the professional world of adoption-focused literature looking for help in the painful choice of whether or not to disrupt this child's entire world for a for a fourth time and all I found was ridicule and
criticism.

I read articles regarding disruption and the comments under the articles scared the confidence right out of me.
". . . treating a child like a pet . . . "
" . . . what if he were biological? You can't give him back them . . . "
" . . . should never have been allowed to adopt in the first place . . . "
" . . . should have ALL her children taken away . . . "
" . . . should be put in prison for abandonment . . . "

And I knew some of YOU must have been in that same desperate place hoping to find some kinship after that Reactive Attachment Disorder diagnosis darkened your world.

No warm, safe place existed for a family struggling with whether or not to disrupt a failing adoption.  No listening ears and sympathetic hearts were available to the mother who simply could not spend one more night sleeping with all her children in her master bedroom except THAT ONE and the door locked for fear that he might come in and harm them.   No gentle encouragement for the couple who's marriage is in tatters because THAT CHILD has triangulated them in the worst way possible and they blame one another all the way to court while the child sits, satisfied, on the sidelines and enjoys the show.  And he is not to blame. He is broken from the inside.

I wanted to be that place.  And after I hit "publish" on that article in February of 2011, I had no idea how my world would change.

You came, meekly at first, asking me if it was okay to email privately about your children.  You broke my heart and drove me to my knees before God with your stories.  I prayed for you.  I wept for you and I wept for your broken children.  You trusted me, a virtual stranger, with sacred parts of your hearts because there was not one other place in your life where it was okay to talk about how you really felt about that child you adopted.   Your in-laws had already said "I told you so" one too many times. Your church friends told you over and over how "lucky" you are and how "cute" he is and you wanted to shout "I CAN'T STAND HIM" and run from the building. . . I get that.

And I want to say "thank you" . . . to every Mama who wrote me a private note and thanked me for the risk of my post.  THANK YOU to every person too afraid to sign an email in which you bore your soul and asked for help.  Jesus knows every intimate detail, Anonymous Mom. . . He cares and He loves your family, even when it doesn't feel like it.
 I took a gamble that talking about "the 'D' word might just fill a niche left open by everyone too afraid to mention it.
"You've never thought of disrupting your adoption? Yeah, me neither  . . .just thought I'd ask . . .crazy question . . . I must be tired"


And if you followed my precious son's story, you already know that our gracious, good, kind Heavenly Father brought healing after six years of brokenness and acting out by our boy.   I would love to promise you that if you can just hang in there for six years, your child will receive healing, too.

But it doesn't work that way.  Some children are healed and some stay broken. In THIS life.

For those of you reading this who have seen great improvement in your children, I am BLESSED to hear those stories, too.
Remember to show mercy to those Mamas who are still in the throes . . .

For those who are still trudging along the painful path of RAD,  waking up in the morning wishing it was bed time already, you have my ear, my heart and my deep gratitude.  You are still walking, even if you feel dragged, you're doing it . . .

For those who have chosen to disrupt and are living with the pain of wondering if that child hates you, remembers you, understands that you did your best . . .for YOU I pray the most often.   The Enemy loves to accuse you, doesn't he?
But our son CAME to us from a Mama just like YOU . . . from a family that wanted so much to help him but became paralyzed by his gigantic needs.   A family that wanted to make the world a better place and give an orphan a home but got swallowed by his pain and anger and needed an escape hatch.  I have to believe someone, somewhere wants to thank you for giving them their miracle.

I thank both of my son's disrupted families here and now.   I know you read this.  Thank you "M" and "E" and  your families.
I pray you have no guilt about the life of this boy.
He is one of my my treasures!
He was worth those six years . . . and then some.
It took a long time to be able to say that with such certainty but I say it now.
He is a prize.   He belongs here, with us. He is ONE OF US.  He is mine . . .
He just took the long road...