Adoption Disruption - The Down and Dirty

This post has been fighting to get out of me for some time now. I have attempted to squash it with a million "what ifs"  and  finally came to grips with the fact that my "what ifs" were really attempts to get myself off the hook and pretend that adoption has been perfect for us in all it's forms.  It hasn't. And it hasn't been perfect for all of our children either, primarily our 12 year old, Lemuel.
 The circumstances of Lemuel's birth are his own private history and out of respect for him, I will only share what is absolutely vital to the understanding of how he became a "disrupted adoption story."  Lemuel was born to a poor and physically ill mother who passed away just a month after surrendering him. Lemuel's birthmother was malnourished. She did not "break" him, she did the best she could but he was born at a disadvantage to his well-nourished, deeply-wanted age mates. A crack appears . . .
Lemuel waited in an Asian orphanage for 7 years for a family to call his own.  He was in a wonderful, Christian orphanage run by a family which I respect immensely. They did not "break" our son.  They fed, clothed and trained him but they are not a nuclear family.  They will be the first to tell you that every child needs a Mommy and Daddy of their own and a "regular family" to develop to the highest potential. The crack widens a little as he waits . . .
Finally, after 7 long years, Lemuel was placed for adoption with one of his biological brothers. That placement lasted all of two weeks before the first family recognized they were not prepared for the challenges that these two children were presenting. They disrupted the placement and Lemuel and his brother were put into two separate foster-to-adopt homes for their own benefits.  This first family did not "break" our son, either but the
crack in him  develops branches . . .
Lemuel's new foster-to-adopt family took him in with, undoubtedly, the purest of intentions. They wanted to help a child who needed them.  In the safety of their home, Lemuel began to express his deep sadness and anger at all of the circumstances in his life that he could never control.  This expression came out as violence. The family had their own biological child to protect. Lemuel was too risky to keep. He needed more than they could safely offer so it was time for him to move on. The crack in the soul of our son becomes a wide crevasse and ugly things ooze out . . . 
Lemuel is placed in a psychiatric hospital and put on a patch delivering continuous medication. He is 8 years old.  This medication keeps the tantrums at bay and puts a bandaid on a gaping, mortal wound.  When his sadness breaks through, he is given pills in addition to the patch.  He is labeled.  He is alone in a foreign country with no family, no siblings and nobody to truly fight for him.  The foundation of this little boy shatters into a million pieces and he says he doesn't want to live anymore. He is a broken pile of shards . . .
We learn about Lemuel through our adoption agency and we agree to go to the psyche hospital and meet him.
We take our three children along because we want them to understand as much as possible about this new child who may or may not be joining our family.  We meet Lemuel in  a large cafeteria at a psyche hospital. The room smells like old pizza and white milk.  He is a tiny figure at the end of a long table sitting with an agency social worker.  We approach him and HE IS TERRIFIED.  His eyes dart to each of our faces and then around the room. His eyes never stop moving. He wants to be anywhere but here, bracing for another probable rejection by people who mean nothing to him and yet symbolize everything.  We try to play a board game with him but he makes a mistake, gets angry and quits. His lips are so chapped that a circle of scabs surrounds them. He has been habitually biting and licking his lips for weeks out of sheer anxiety. We try to joke with him but he does not understand.  He gets up abruptly and leaves the room in the middle of an attempt to engage him.  None of us even knows if he is allowed to do this. The agency social worker goes to check while my husband and I wordlessly communicate "this kid is a mess".  And he was.
We leave the hospital for a nearby restaurant to talk and pray as a family.  We are distraught by what we have seen but aware that we are WAY out of our league.  We could have buckled up in our car and driven away without even looking in the rear view mirror. Part of me wanted to. The other part of me wanted to take Lemuel home with us that very day. We asked the Lord to show us what to do.  We called our agency on the
way home from the psyche hospital and told them we wanted to bring Lemuel home.  We did.  When we picked him up a few days later, he was neither happy nor sad. Just resigned. He had never had his opinion count before so he did not offer one about this new family coming to claim him.  He would simply learn to spell his new last name and move on with life.   He tried to.  He couldn't.  He was not a good enough actor to camouflage his true feelings. He cried a lot. He disobeyed most of the time. His attitude was terrible. He didn't like our food, our music, our ideas or any of us.  He was determined to reject us first or force us to reject him and shorten his time between placement and the big "heave ho."   He made us miserable.  We could not take him places without having to face him whining, griping. complaining or busting out with an inappropriate comment or question - and he could not whisper. He still can't.  He lied incessantly and made nonsense statements.  He overate and had nightmares constantly.  Our lives changed drastically over the course of the next few months.  Our older children began to resent him. Our younger child did not want to play with him because he cheated and always had to win.  In privacy, we questioned our decision to bring this child home.
We felt what his previous families had felt. That we had made a mistake and doomed ourselves to parenting this most difficult child. We cried. We read books. We considered disruption a hundred times and each time, one or the other of us would say "no".  We came to the stark realization that when handed a body bag with a broken person inside, we expected him to "rise up and walk" just by virtue of living under our blessed roof.
We somehow fancied our mere presence sufficient to heal this child.  We thought it would be easy. We were critical of all who had gone before us. Until we were humbled.  Until we couldn't fix him either.
Fast forward 5 years. Lemuel is still in our family. He has been in counseling and residential treatment since joining our crew. We have made many mistakes in our parenting of him. We have held the bar so high that he could never jump over it and then been furious when he didn't.  We have failed. But we have also succeeded.
We promised him that this family would be his last stop. And it is.  Not because we are so tolerant or so perfect and certainly not because he has been "cured" of all his issues.  This is Lemuel's last stop because he is our child and we love him.  We are learning to accept him "as is".   We don't have the kind of  glue that mends
a broken child but we have a Heavenly Father who makes all things new and He is teaching us bit by bit and day by day that He is sovereign.   Lemuel has improved GREATLY over the last 5 years but, guess what.
So have we.  We have learned the meaning of "blessing in disguise" and we are working on figuring out other mysteries like "unconditional love" and "adjusting expectations".  Lemuel is fine. He is exactly who he is supposed to be at this time in his life. 
 Despite the painful blows life has dealt him, he continues to find joy in the smallest of things.  He loves sports, video games, other people, making friends and eating Filipino food.  He laughs too long and too loud at the silliest of TV shows and adores his little brother who has Down Syndrome.
Lemuel is a walking miracle . . . beauty from ashes.
I do not believe I could have survived what he has.  Many could not.  Most would not be able to do it and retain any hope in the future.  Lemuel has many hopes and big plans - he wants to play football for his school, drive a car when he's 16, join the  military and he says he'll never get married because he'll probably die in a war and he doesn't want his wife to be sad.   (A little morbid but quite thoughtful, too).
I am not haughty enough to believe this child was put through all this hell just to teach our family valuable lessons, but he has.  I know the reason for Lemuel's life, just like the reason for all of our lives: we exist for the sole purpose of glorifying God.   Lord Jesus, be glorified in the journey and make us something beautiful for You.  Amen!

                                                                   

Document Me!!!!!!!

As if our last bit of good news on our current adoption was not enough, MORE good news arrived today!
I received  a phone call from our terrific adoption agency (www.christianadopt.org) that Francis' legal documents are there!! Tomorrow they arrive in our home via Federal Express!  I will immediately file the I-800 on Francis' behalf and then, we . . . say it with me . . . "wait".    We wait a little more joyfully this stretch because it's truly the home stretch. It can last anywhere from 8-14 weeks and then we get to travel.
Thank you, Jesus!

The pic below was taken at my birthday dinner at The Melting Pot.  Although one son is not pictured here (Lemuel), can't you just see Francis sitting at the table with us?  I sure can! It won't be long now . . .

Forward Motion

This morning I awoke to a wonderful, much anticipated email from our adoption agency! It was a note to let us know that the psyche eval results have been received by the Inter Country Adoption Board in The Philippines and that Francis' legal documents (birth certificate, court papers, etc) are on the way to our agency so we can file for his immigration clearances!!!!!!! I am jumping for joy this morning!   It was hard being in that "holding pattern".  So many loving friends and family members have been asking over the last month for updates on our adoption and I have had to robotically repeat "we're waiting on one more document before we can move forward .  . . just an updated psyche eval . . . beep, beep . . ."   NOW I can give a new and better answer!!!!!
We do know the US Embassy in Manila will be closing for part of March due to a move so, it's possible we'll be hitting another slow down here soon.   I have to keep in mind that all of this will happen in God's perfect, predetermined timing.  All of my praying, pleading and whining don't thwart the plans of my Heavenly Father.  It's a good thing, too because if I could "beg" God into revamping the plan, I would have missed a lot of spiritual growth and faith building along the way.
So, today as I drive to the orthodontist for one child and piano lessons for another, I'll do it with a little extra "spring in my step"  because we're getting closer to bringing Francis home!!!!!!!

Swept Away

This week I received a new photo on Facebook of Lemuel's (our adopted 12 year old) brother, Ariel. Ariel has been the subject of some of my former posts as we tried as a family to find a way to bring him to the US. Ariel is cognitively delayed and is 20 years old. In the photo below, he is in the orange t-shirt.

(I know, he's super cute and looks a LOT like his little brother) In any case, US immigration law has no provision for Ariel to come legally to the US.  The Embassy in Manila denied him even a tourist visa to come and visit us because they felt no assurance that he would return to the country. Truthfully, I don't know how that would have played out.  We have sent him care boxes  and, even now, an open box sits on my counter as I need to hit one more store before sending it off.  I contacted one of the directors of the fantastic home for "street kids" that cares for him. I asked her to inquire of Ariel what he would like in the next box. He asked for more  pictures of our family, letters from us, shorts, t-shirts and underwear.   Yeah . . . that's what I thought, too. . . "that's it?".   I probably would have found a way to shove a pony in that box if he asked for it and yet, his requests were so simple.  The request for photos and letters told me what I already knew in my heart. He wants family connections.  He has the same unquenchable desire at 20 that even a young child has - the need to belong.  
I write this post for several reasons. First, I covet your prayers for Ariel's future. With limited literacy skills and the fact that he is not all that "employable", I'm concerned. Second,  I hope some of my readers who are looking for a mission trip or a place to direct donations will consider "Children's Garden of The Philippines" where some truly precious young men have been sheltered from the streets.  Finally, I share this slightly off-topic news because it weighs on my heart daily and the Bible tells us to "bear one another's burdens".
Life was so much easier before I knew about the needs.  It was so much simpler when I had my two small biological children and we homeschooled, went on field trips, had play dates, went to church and tossed exactly 10% in the offering plate but I don't long for those days. I don't miss them. Orphans and street kids always existed, just not for our family.  Now that they're here and we're here, God is using THEM to teach, refine, mold and sharpen us.  He is showing us our calling and, as we respond, life just gets more fulfilled and abundant.   Of course, it's not all roses and lollipops.  We struggle with knowing exactly what we're to do, how much to give, who should come into the family and who we support from afar.  We trust the Lord to direct our paths but so often our fervor and fear blot out His instructions.  I have begged God countless times to send our family to The Philippines as missionaries.  I have become cynical of our comfortable lives here in the states but even to this very day, God has not called us to go. He has called us to stay, to adopt, to donate, to pray and to wait on Him.   Nothing is harder than that last request. NOTHING.

Off The Cliff!!!

Time for an update on our adoption of Francis!  If you're already weary of hearing about the financial aspects of adoption, you may want to leave this blog and go check your Facebook instead (ha ha).   I want to give credit where credit is due.  First, between the chip-in, gifts from friends and family and our Chic-fil-a fund raiser, we have been blessed with about $9,350 toward the expenses of our adoption!!!! Thank you to all who have generously helped us. There just aren't words to express how grateful we are. The donations not only serve to meet practical expenses but to assure us that God is in this and that He will provide.   We did apply for several grants and were denied each time. The reason the organizations stated is that they feel we have the resources to pay for our own adoption.  The first denial letter than expressed this sentiment made us laugh.  We wondered what THEY saw that WE didn't see. . . and then it dawned on us . . . it's THE DEBT.  Over a year ago, we began to follow Dave Ramsey's principles as laid out in "The Total Money Makeover".  We were able to make a huge lifestyle change and pay off our car, credit cards (which are closed) and set up an emergency fund to be used if my husband were to lose his job.  When grant organizations looked at our application, they saw a family with no debt and some savings and said "no".    We have been taught that the emergency fund is not to be touched under penalty of death unless my husband becomes unemployed. We are afraid to even LOOK at the emergency fund directly - kind of a "Raiders of the Lost Ark" deal - unless we should be tempted and turn into powder.  We vowed that in our minds, the emergency fund was OFF limits and the first of us to suggest using it for an expense unrelated to job loss or nuclear meltdown would be flogged with a cat 'o nine tails.
That was then. This is now.  The emergency fund is being used to finish off this adoption. It is going the way of
parachute pants and Rainbow Brite -  gone but not forgotten.    Bringing Francis into our home IS an emergency.  Obeying the call of our Savior IS an emergency.  We're jumping off the cliff with NO SAFETY NET and, despite my fear,  it feels more like a privilege than I expected - an honor really.  . . a chance to exercise faith that I hear about in others but never knew could be manifest in my own life.   I can not end this post without, once again, praising God for my precious husband who had to set aside his own fears and make the leap with me.   He is a generous man and quick to give of his time and resources but this was a "biggie" yet it seemed a "smallie" when it came down to it.
Thank you, Father, for doing so much more than we could have asked or imagined!

PROGRESS!!!!

Today I received a glimmer of hope in my mailbox!  We received our I-800a approval from homeland security!!!  Basically, my husband and I have been determined to be eligible to adopt a child aged 0-16 from The Philippines.  Our fingerprints have been accepted and run through the system and our criminal backgrounds have been investigated (trust me, there's nothing there to investigate unless speeding tickets are in the data base - ha ha). This is a vastly important step as it allows us file for Francis' immigration clearance just as soon as we get his legal documents ( birth certificate, surrender paperwork, etc).  We are definitely getting closer to bringing our boy home!!!  I have not failed to miss the irony of my last post where I admit to struggling with the wait.  As always, God uses my own impatience to teach me to trust Him.  I am committing to pray more and worry less through the remainder of this adoption.   Thank  you, Lord, for your unlimited supply of patience and the gentle way you reveal my shortcomings.  I don't deserve this type of grace but I sure am thankful for it!

Missing!

I am struggling.  There's no other way to say it.  That niggling feeling that someone is missing in our family is now taking on a life of it's own.   I can look back on this very blog and read the posts prior to Ezekiel's adoption and see this same phenomenon but it seems worse this time.  It is worse.  I think a few factors are contributing to the angst. First, our agency director is leaving for a visit to The Philippines in just a few days.  He is taking a photo album with him that will, hopefully, find it's way to Francis VERY soon.  I am coming to grips with the realization that it's time for Francis to learn that he has a family.  The ICAB is cautious about how and when children receive this information.  They and the orphanage staff don't want to run the risk of telling a child too soon and having circumstances change.  I am glad they operate this way but I am on pins and needles waiting to hear how Francis will react, at 15 years old, to finding out he has a family.  IT IS STRESSFUL to wait for this news.
He could decide he doesn't want to make this monumental life change and the process would come to a halt.

The other reason I'm "losing it" a little bit is that there is still one piece of paperwork keeping us from being able to get his legal documents and file for his immigration clearance. We're waiting on the results from a recent psychological evaluation (done routinely, not because of any glaring concerns).  A third-party does the evaluations and gets the results to the ICAB.  I don't know how long this takes.  As I type this post, I realize the root of my struggle is my tendency toward being a "control freak".  We are at that point in the adoption where nothing rests on my actions and everything depends on other people.  Yeah . . . OTHER PEOPLE . . . ha ha.   So, if you are a fellow control freak, let me assure you that the adoption process does not cure your need to control the world, it just reveals it!

Great Day

Today was a great day!  My sister and her 3 wonderful kiddos (ages 14,12 and 8) live four hours away. We decided to meet at a Cracker Barrel restaurant that is exactly 2 hours from each of us and have lunch.
Due to a big snow storm at Christmas time, we never got to exchange gifts. We met and had breakfast for lunch and then went to the parking lot of the restaurant and exchanged gifts.  It was FREEZING but the kids had a blast. My 9 year old son got the "snuggie" he has been longing for and I got a new pair of black clogs (timely since the ones I wore to the restaurant were ripped on one side - ha ha). Ezekiel got a Curious George jack-in-the-box that he is smitten by and the older kids got some great clothing and Black Ops for playstation 3. It was such fun watching everyone enjoying these well thought out gifts and just having fun together.
On the drive home, I got to pondering just how blessed I am with this family. My kids LOVE spending time with their cousins. My sister is one of my best friends.
There's no way for Francis to know this yet but he's coming into  a pretty great family if I do say so myself.
The love and support here is no small thing.  I have friends who are estranged from much of their family or who have not spoken to siblings in years due to unresolved conflict.  I know others who were only children and have built their own support network from church friends or neighbors. 
I just have to praise God for the extended family He has given me and let those people know I don't take them for granted.
Photos from today's "chow down" will follow soon . . .

 We are freezing our buns off standing outside (above)

 Me and my beautiful sister (left)

Ezekiel LOVED his gift!

The girls making goofy faces (but still cute)

The boys are "too cool" to lean in very close for a picture . . .

Trinity and Kyle . . .LOVE hanging out together!

Sick

Today, I am sick and had to stay home from church. I really hate  missing church! I kept Ezekiel home with me since he's still a "nursery baby" and won't be missing any teaching.  The most ridiculous thing about this whole situation is that I made MYSELF sick!  I knowingly ate undercooked meat when I was preparing tacos for the family (and a couple of friends) on Friday night.  I picked a nice, brown hunk of meat from the pan to "test" it and as soon as I bit in, I KNEW I was in trouble. The meat was totally raw in the middle- it was STILL COLD (ewwww). I woke Saturday morning with a raging headache and other symptoms that, shall we say, are common with food poisoning but not great blog material!  Last night I tossed and turned with muscle aches and stomach cramps.  I have learned my lesson!  NO RAW HAMBURGER -EVER!  Although this Sunday morning finds me feeling weak and still slightly achy, I am going to set this computer aside and spend some time with my sweet baby - just him and me.   It's a rare treat when you have a larger family to spend time with just one child and I don't want to miss it!  I guess I'm off to hold my boy and watch "Choo Choo Soul".   It's all I have the energy for right now but I'm sure he won't mind.  

Have a blessed Sunday!

Logical Nonsense

This morning, God woke me up at 4am and I was overwhelmed with the urge to pray. I prayed for my children, for Francis and our adoption efforts and, of course, for Davids in Latvia. I awoke to the WONDERFUL news that Davids has a family!!! The family is already in the process of adopting another child from Davids' country and country rules allow for simultaneous adoptions.  The family is experienced in adoption and have some background in Davids' country.  It sounds perfect! The only drawback is that this family is saddled with paying for two adoptions at the same time.  As a family who has adopted twice only one year apart, we know the challenges that presents but two at ONCE????? WOW!  I was excited to discover that Project Hopeful is managing an account for Davids' adoption  and donating is easy.  I shared this news with my husband this morning as he has been praying for Davids with me.  My husband said, without hesitation, "Let's donate". 
My first reaction was to say "uh . . .have you forgotten we're bringing home our OWN about-to-age-out teen from overseas" but that is NOT what I said.  I was immediately overcome with love for this man that God has given me with his heart for the fatherless and his bent toward serving others.  I know it sounds completely illogical to donate to another family's adoption when we ourselves are working double time to pay for our own!
My husband reminded me that he has just completed a large photography job and the proceeds from that job were not earmarked yet. He wanted to give from his own overtime to this young man's adoptive family.
Just this last Sunday, our pastor at Potter's Hand preached an amazing message on "Radical Hope". In that message, he talked about God's economy being completely opposite of man's economy.  Man says "if you're feeling burned out, take some 'me' time" while God's economy says "if you're feeling burned out, find someone who needs to be served and serve."  Man's economy says "hoard your wealth, take care of #1 and give only out of your surplus" while God's economy says "the widow who gave two pennies gave more than all the wealthy because she gave out of her NEED." 
You can hear the complete sermon (it's from 1/9) athttp://podcast.theundilutedtruth.com/
So we gave.  Not from any donations we have received from others but from my husband's extra photography business income that yes, could have gone to our own adoption but the need for Davids is NOW.  Francis has just a little more time.
If you are feeling led to give to Davids' adoption fund, go to www.projecthopeful.org and click on their
blog. 
I am eager to see how God will map out all of these adoptions, all of the giving and the receiving.
There is NO LIMIT to His resources and, in that, we rest wholeheartedly!

Update on Davids / Keep Praying . . .

I just received some promising news regarding the young man in Latvia discussed in my previous blog entry.
There are two families on the horizon who are interested in adopting him! Both families MUST meet the criteria set forth by the Latvian government and the families must quickly be able to file immigration paperwork.
You would think with such a time crunch, countries would make exceptions to their own rules but this is rarely the case. Most of the rules governing adoptions really ARE put in place to protect the children. To bend these rules may mean endangering children so, for that reason, I am thankful for the rules in place. Please pray not only for the adoption of Davids but for him to go to a family where he will be a cherished family member. Pray that the family does not view themselves as rescuers but as "lottery winners" who were hand-picked by God to receive the grand prize - a human life!