I Can't Change THAT

I'm in a unique position that I wonder if I share with any other Philippine adoptive parent.  Probably so.

Our family had the distinct pleasure of adopting from The Philippines FOUR TIMES while we were living in the United States.  All four adoptions were  individual and happened over a span of six years. 

AFTER being an international adoptive parent, my family was called to full-time service of orphans in The Philippines.
We have now lived in Silang, Cavite for almost a year. We have worked with children in orphanages and we now run a shelter/orphanage for children ages 3-13.

We have lived in two very interrelated camps.  One "life" in the adoptive parent camp and one " life" in the child caring agency camp.

And although we still have so much to learn in BOTH arenas, I have learned something so valuable, so vital that I believe every adoptive or pre-adoptive parent should know it.

I believe, as an adoptive parent, I had a LOT of unrealistic expectations of the child caring agencies that sheltered our kids.
I want to share some of those with you and encourage you, if you are waiting, to adjust your expectations and understand the limitations of a child caring agency, even the very best ones in the world!

CHILD CARING AGENCIES CAN NOT . . . 

...promise your child will not have undiscovered learning challenges.
Children in care are almost always delayed in the areas of speech and learning. I have found this to be true in my own adoptions and I see it with the children in our care.  The big question is "WHY?".  The short answer is "we don't know".  I would suspect that some of our kids have birth  parents of low intellect and that may contribute but, considering that MANY adoptees catch up academically, that doesn't account for all the delays.  My heart tells me that kids who don't have permanency in their lives - meaning a "forever family" just have trouble learning and developing.
God created children to live in families and be raised with a mom and  a dad who cherish them. When that design is varied, I believe the child does not reach his highest potential.  
We have home tutoring with our children here daily. They are preparing to attend our local public school in June. I know that the children we have are "smart kids" but they are also painfully illiterate, for the most part.  This is not due to lack of effort on our part. I long for them to find their "forever families" and then to hear,  in time, of the great gains they will make.  Until then, we do the best we can to help them.

...ensure your child will be a Christian.
This is an unfair expectation to place on any child caring agency.  The fact that an orphanage is run and staffed by Believers does not mean your child is a Christian and will behave as such.  GOD draws hearts to Himself in His way and in His time.  I can assure you that a child in our care is prayed with and prayed for. He participates in daily devotion and Bible reading.  He attends church.  Does he have a personal walk with Christ  wherein he has come to the Lord for forgiveness of sin and a new heart?   We don't know for sure. We hope so, we pray so.  And if he hasn't yet, we pray that He will.

...know for sure that your child does not have a physical disability.
I have heard of several cases where a child, after adoption, is discovered to have a  disability not noted in his file.  Maybe some child caring agencies try to "cover up" problems to get a child placed but I believe that is a rare occurance.  Most likely, the disability was undiagnosed because your child received medical care in a country that is not quite as advanced, diagnostically, as the country he was adopted to.  The children in our care receive check ups, vaccinations and dental care.  If we suspect something significant, we will have it investigated.  Some issues simply do not "show up" well in group care.  If a child is having tiny, mini seizures, it may look to caregivers like he is daydreaming and not raise suspicions.  If your child has hearing loss but has learned to lip read and/or "follow the crowd", a caregiver may not key in to that.  If you adopt a very young child, the chances increase that he/she may have a delay or challenge not yet manifest well enough to raise concerns.
Most child caring agencies in which we have worked, and now in  our own, do due diligence to make sure special needs are known prior to placement. Sometimes that doesn't happen.  It is unfair to judge your child's orphanage harshly for not noticing what YOU notice. It happens from time to time and is never easy. Although we are human and make mistakes, keep in mind that our God is not and never does.  He knows who needs to come to your table and maybe, just maybe, He veiled that issue from the eyes of your child's caregivers and revealed it to you for YOUR own faith walk.  Maybe.

..."westernize" your child.
This can be a sensitive issue. I can be an insensitive blogger.  I'll do the best I can here. 
I'm a white American. My husband is a Filipino. There ARE cultural differences, plain and simple.  Some adoptive parents probably believe it is the responsibility of the orphanage to prepare a child for adoption so thoroughly that the child slides into Western culture seamlessly.  I disagree.
The kids in our care know how to use the restroom (which they call the "CR") like an American if needed. We have toilet paper and rims on the seats for sitting.  So far, the kids we serve prefer to squat on the rim, barefoot, and not to use tissue. They wash their bottoms with a "tabo" - a plastic sauce pan of water- and air dry.  It's their way.
We use silverware here at every meal but some of our children ask permission to eat "Kamayan" - with their hands. Again, it is what they are used to. 
Our kids squat at circle time rather than sitting "criss cross applesauce".
The older kids know how to hand wash and hang out clothing. One of our girls is very good at it.
They will come to you, depending of their ages, with a whole lot of years lived in Philippine culture. This is a rich and distinct culture.
Some of the things they do here may get them teased by their peers in their new lives. other habits may simply annoy you as a parent, still others are just fine left alone. It is not the job of the child caring agency to decide which cultural behaviors are "okay" and which are not.  Please speak kindly of your child's caring agency even if he/she is not the least bit "westernized" when he/she comes home. In time, it will come. 

HERE ARE A LIST OF THINGS WE CAN DO . . .

love your child
provide food,clothing and shelter
make sure he gets dental and medical care
send him/her to school
tutor him at home
tuck him in at night, with hugs and kisses
help him begin to learn right from wrong
hold and reassure him he is more than "just an orphan" when he is teased
tell him/her how precious he/she is every day
read the Bible with him
remind him that God made him, he is special and he has a big purpose
 
And I'm proud of that list of "cans". It is a privilege to have such an opportunity with a child who we know is not ours forever. It's a hard job and a precious one.  It takes a lot of diligence and discipline to keep focus. It would be easy to get lazy and take shortcuts but we will not. 
We are accountable to the Lord.
We are accountable to future parents.
We are accountable to that child.

So, please go gently with your child's orphanage. Give the benefit of the doubt. Believe the best and pray for the staff and caregivers. Their job is so difficult and yet of the utmost importance.   If you have criticized unfairly, apologize. Set it right.
If you have found just cause for criticism or uncovered egregious errors committed with intent, there are venues for addressing that, talk to your adoption agency directly.
But I beg you to be fair.  Adjust your expectations and even be GRATEFUL.  Your child was taken in when so many remain on the streets.  Your child was fed when many starve.  Your child made it all the way from a developing nation, rife with human rights issues, into the safety of your arms.  . .
                                     THANKS TO A CHILD CARING AGENCY SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY

  

The BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

Dear Friends, Family, Readers, Loved Ones, Donors to Our Mission and Curious Bystanders,

If you have been a friend, cyber or otherwise, for any length of time, you know that our family made an enormous move nine months ago. That move took us from Holly Springs, North Carolina - place we loved and felt so safe and secure, to Silang, Cavite Philippines - relatively unknown in every aspect for us.

We came here with a sending organization called "The Bartimaeus Project". This project is focused on serving children with blindness and visual impairments who live in orphanages here, in The Philippines.

We have taken children to eye appointments, purchased eye glasses, conducted weekly classes in our center and sponsored a life-changing surgery for a child.  We have loved being a part of those things.

There have, of course, been struggles. We are not finding many children in orphanages with blindness or visual impairment. Most orphanages don't accept them. So we opened up our service model to include some children with additional special needs - cerebral palsy, down syndrome, general learning disabilities and other issues.


Every day, as we drive to  serve the children in orphanages, we are struck with the same burning question.
WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
We are doing work we enjoy but . . . let me put it this way . . .
have you ever had an itch in that "chicken wing" area of your back? You can scratch "around" it but you have trouble hitting the exact spot?  When you finally hit it . . . OH THE RELIEF!!!

Well, a friend took me to a shelter for street kids a month ago. Young kids, aged 5-14. Kids who milled around in a room with little to do.  I asked about the plan for these children. I was informed that if a more permanent place existed, they could go there. They are not being educated, tucked in at night, loved on or truly invested in. They are in a "holding pattern" - in the throes of being completely abandoned.  They are in limbo of the worst sort. We were undone upon meeting them.

WE FOUND THE ITCH and now we're going to scratch it!

Effective today, we will be opening our own orphanage/shelter for children in crisis.
We will no longer be serving under The Bartimaeus Project.

There are no ill feelings between us and the BP.  We know that they are doing good work and handling all donations with the utmost care and wisdom.   We know the board members are genuine in their love for the Lord and their desire to do right by orphans with blindness and visual impairments.

We also know we have to meet the needs in front of us that are the most pressing.
We are confronted daily with the plight of children with no place to call "home" and no consistent food, support, spiritual guidance  or family structure. 
So, with some sadness and immeasurable excitement, we share with you that we are starting our own orphanage/ shelter!
We are hiring a full time social worker.
We have taken children in already (details in a later post)
We are almost finished with our our Social Work Development Agency application
We even have an operations manual
We are stepping out in faith

This is even scarier than selling all of our "stuff" and moving out here because we are doing this without a board of directors. We are investing the last of what we have to shelter children who, currently, are at immense risk of harm, abuse and exploitation.

This is a childhood dream-come-true for me!  Ask my mother.  Many of my Barbie games growing up centered around Barbie and Ken taking care of 15 children! I believe God put this type of love in my heart as a child and it has taken me years to soften up and allow Him to cultivate it to this point.

WE NEED YOUR HELP NOW MORE THAN EVER!!!!


To join us in funding care for these children, log on to www.americanhelper.org , make your donation via check or online and listen to THIS:  American Helper retains only 1% of donations made through them and 99% comes DIRECTLY TO US IN THE FIELD!!!! We donated through American Helper regularly before our move to The Philippines. They fund Children's Garden, the home that lovingly provided for our precious Ariel before he was ours. We know the people handling the funding and they are people of integrity. We knew our donations went right to CG because we were thanked within just a few days of donating, most of the time.
This is such a welcome change for us in ministry.  Something we needed. 

If you choose to support us financially in the endeavor, please make a note on your check or your online giving that says "ESQUIVEL FAMILY" -- and 99% will come to us and the children at Mercy House.

Now, more than ever, we need your prayer support.  We will be sending regular newsletters so if you are interested in receiving them, please send an email to:
mercyhousepi@gmail.com.  We can share a lot more in an online newsletter than we can on social media - including pictures and write ups on the children in our care. You'll want to meet them!

Stay tuned! Buckle up! Come and see what the Lord will do! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!

A Lifer

This was a unique Thanksgiving for our family.   We are spending our first Thanksgiving EVER outside of the familiar comforts of the United States.   

But as always, Yaweh provides. And even in the little things, His care for our family has humbled me yet again.
We were invited to spend Thanksgiving with a family of "lifers" . No, they haven't committed  any felonies that I know of.  Lifers are  missionaries who have served here for much of their lives and probably will until the Lord brings them home.  This family happens to be comprised of members who knew and cared for our sons, Lem and Ariel, before we knew them.

And one of the ladies I have grown to love and respect immensely, Jeri,  has been to our home in the states on Furlough more than once.  We sipped coffee  together and "what iffed"  about getting together on HER side of the world at my dinner table in North Carolina.

And yesterday, we did.

As I looked around her home, with nearly 20 years of memories, I asked the Lord if  we could be "lifers", too.

We are still so new, 5 months in country.  We are still learning the ropes, building relationships, getting our feet wet, making mistakes and finding out just where we fit. 
Picking up our COMPLETED registration certificate from the Securities and Exchange Commission, STEP ONE in being recognized as a legitimate helping - hands organization by the Philippine government, felt like a major victory!   But we have so far to go and so much to learn.

We were just able to be an integral part of a little two-year-old boy receiving life changing surgery.

That huge tumorous mass is no longer a part of that beautiful face!   The fact that God allowed us to be a part of this kind of service only shored up my heart's desire to stay here and do MORE. 

I want  to be a LIFER.  But only if He wants me to.   And how will we know if He wants us to?

He will continue to provide.  He will give us work and funding and a peace about staying.

But if I know Him, and I think I do - although not as well as I would like, it won't be easy.    NOTHING He has called us to do has been easy.

It has all been worth it.

And just when we have started to wonder if "worth it" is truly worth it, He sends fellow Believers to us. . .
with Thanksgiving invitations
with boxes of shoes for the BP kids
with emails asking for our address to mail gifts for our beautiful project kids
with friends holding fund raisers just because they want to
with invitations directed at our children for visits and get togethers
with reminders that He always provides, guides and equips.

Lifer or short-termer.  That is not my call to make.
He knows the desire of our hearts.  He knows the plans He has for us.

And I know Him.

And that, my friends, is more than  enough. 

Somebody's Baby

She sat on my lap through almost an entire church service just last week.  She wiggled and talked too loudly.
She drew little pictures on scraps of paper and explained to me matter-of-factly that one of the smiling "heads with feet" was her and one was me.

She's a striking child with a sunshiny spirit and anyone would love to be her mother.
But not me.
She's somebody else's baby.

She is going home to an adoptive family very soon.  And as I held her on my lap, I felt so lucky.   I had flashbacks to my own adoptions and recalled just how I ached to hold my kids - even the "big ones".   I scoured the internet for any church or individual who might have visited my boys' orphanages and posted a group picture somewhere online for me to pine over.   I found youtube videos of my guys and even made cyber friends with a college girl who had been with one of my boys just the week before. Paydirt!

I hugged her a little tighter and thought "this one is from your Mama . . . to tide you over.  Just until she gets here. I know she'd want me to give it. I have been in her shoes too many times to even wonder." 

I worried before our move to this country that has given us such amazing children.  I worried I would want to adopt every child I met who did not have a family.

But I'm finding a strange phenomenon to be taking hold of my heart.  One I did not know existed for me.

I do love the children we work with.  But they are not mine.  I feel that in the most direct and no-nonsense parts of me.

They are somebody else's babies.   Even those who are not yet matched to adoptive parents.

I remember asking someone, when I was still young and single
"how do you KNOW when a man you meet is the one you're going to marry?".   And that person answered me
"you just KNOW".
That was an altogether unsatisfactory answer.  I wanted some sign. Some marker. Some concrete, tangible "thing" to hang my hat on so I would know I wasn't making a huge, life-altering mistake before saying 'I do".

But my friend was right. . . .you JUST KNOW.

I find that same advice applies to adoption for us.  Maybe it isn't like this for everyone.  Maybe many of you out there have an algorithm that tells you if a child will or will not succeed in your home.

I'm just a goofy old romantic, I guess.

I saw my boys on the Special Homefinding List and my heart kind of skipped a beat.   I felt surprised, like almost colliding with a stranger on the street when you are lost in thought.
Sometimes I looked up toward Heaven and said audibly   "again, Lord?  Really?"

But I knew it was a futile question.   Because those were NOT somebody else's babies.  They were MINE.  
And when reading through a list of 30 or 40 beautiful orphans, waiting for Mommies and Daddies, having ONE jump from the page and shout "HERE I AM"  is no small thing.

I now live in a world of orphans.  I see them all the time.  I know children in my everyday life who wait on that same Special Homefinding List that  brought me my treasures.  Wonderful kids.  Sweet, deserving, beautiful kids.

But not MY kids.

Could it be that God brought us all the way to this country with so many orphans only to tell us that none of them are ours for more than a short time?

It could be.  If it is so, I have peace there.
If not, and that lightening bolt of "oh my goodness . .. there's another one of MINE" happens,  you bloggy friends will be the
first ones I tell after I give my husband CPR.

Until then,  I relish the chance to love somebody else's babies.   Investing in a child who needs to know how precious he is  is never a waste of time, even for a moment.

And who knows? Maybe one day, I'll be on THIS side of the water and YOU will be stalking ME.
I promise not to call you crazy.
I won't laugh at your frenetic, disjointed questions or your 3am emails asking me if it is EVER going to happen.

It will.  But until it does, pray  and ask the Lord to send hugs to your  babies from the arms of another Mama.
If she's like me, she won't mind.
She'll find it an honor and she'll know. . . it's just for a little while.

I Still Do

I remember it as if it were just happening:

I was a young mother with two small children.  Three and one.   I went to a mother's morning out at a local church and met a host
of new women.  It was the first time I had ever been to a gathering designed just for moms, with a Bible study and child care completely geared toward US.

As the ladies in the group got to know each other and as we talked ad nauseam about our children, I came to the decision, in my own mind, that as children got older, their parents loved them less.

I know that's silly.   NOW.    But back then, when the moms in our group discussed the achievements of their eleven year olds or the going-off-to-colleges of their older teens, it was NOT with the unrestrained, choking-back-tears love that I had for my two babies when I even thought about them back in the child care area.    I surmised, that a mother's love for her children MUST fade
as her children grow.

The Mother Who Knew It All, and her patient, although inferior, sidekick

And then I got to know a few "mothers of many" and I became SURE that these women did not love their children as strongly as I loved mine.  I could tell by the way the children came to Mother's Morning Out . . . WITHOUT matching gymboree outfits and
individual lunch boxes with their names artistically written on them.  These women brought ONE bag with 14 pb&j sandwiches inside, ONE bag with a bunch of cut up oranges and ONE bag of popcorn for all their children to descend upon at lunch.  And much to my horror and dismay,  their children often SHARED DRINKS!!!!! 

 Yes, I  felt quite sure that I was correct in my assumption that with many children, love had to be divided and therefore, less was dumped on each child.

In my narrow, 20-something year old way of thinking, love for my children was something that others could SEE. In their clothing, in their lunches, in their toy boxes.

I had SO MUCH TO LEARN . . .

And God, in His sovereignty that I often find tinged with a sense of humor, would teach me over the next decade, just how wrong I was to judge these families by my ridiculous standards.

It began to happen slowly, almost imperceptibly at first.  I became close to some Godly Mothers of Many.

I stopped laying out my kids' clothes the night before, even when we were just staying home.    And we adopted a third child.

We began sneaking into Goodwill to shop, under cloak of darkness.   And along came child number four.

I let them go to church once in awhile WITHOUT gelling their hair.   And a fifth child found his way into our home.

I ceased carrying "extra clothing" for children long potty trained and did not stop to make them switch their shoes to the right feet before walking into the store. If they were comfortable, who was I...?    And God blessed us with child number SIX.

I forgot to put snacks in my purse (do "Halls" count as a snack?), rarely made sure they were "entertained" when we
traveled (look out the WINDOW!) and sometimes shorts and sweaters DO go together.   So God blessed us, yet again, with a seventh child.

So, to my babies, big and small, then and now,
I can type with the utmost assurance that I was wildly crazy about you when you were little.
I would have gladly given my life and/or vital organs to you without hesitation if the need arose.
You were my sun and moon and stars.
You were the "idols" I always had to confess and pray about when sermons about putting ANYTHING before God were preached.
You and You and You  . . . TIMES SEVEN.

I felt that way all those years ago.         AND I STILL DO!

Monumental

Have you ever done something that seemed so small and simple at the outset but,  as it was happening, your heart told you it was
actually something monumental?

That just happened to me with one of our BP boys . . . we had a birthday party for him.

He sat, wide-eyed while we all sang "Happy Birthday".  He did not realize he was supposed to blow out the candles but when we told him to, he blew with such strength I thought he gave the child across from him a free eyebrow waxing!

  I have never seen this little boy smile so much.

And he got to go first on the fishing game!   He got to hand out treat bags to the other kids at the end of the day.  He was the "star" of the show.

My heart knew that this was something unbelievably special for him.  Not to be taken for granted.

Had he had other birthday parties? I don't really know.
Was this the first cake that was just for his honor? No idea.

But this little boy lives a life that carries with it the burdens of never having enough, of needing to keep his eyes open for good items
to recycle or opportunities to eat a little extra.

His life is different from that of the children of you, who read this blog.

He doesn't lose things.  If I give him six crayons and two worksheets for practice, he brings them all back A WEEK LATER and proudly presents them to me for a star stamp on his papers and on his hand. 

The things he treasures make HIM a treasure to us.   
How blessed we are to get the chance to sow into this child's life!  

Like standing on holy ground . . . and singing "Happy Birthday". . .

Earthen Vessels

         "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels  to show that this all-surpassing power is from GOD and not from US"  2 Cor. 4:7



 I can't recall a time in my life when I have felt more like an "earthen vessel" or a "jar made of clay" than right now, living in this far-away place and doing work that far exceeds my skill set, miles from my comfort zone and learning the guidelines of a culture, language and geography that have never truly been mine.

More than three months in our new-found  Philippine life brought changes - both welcome and unwelcome - and I want to share them in my pray-for-us,  encourage-us kind of way . . .


My handsome, helpful first-biological child has moved out of our house.  He lives in a shelter for street kids about two hours away.
I miss him very much but I am also bursting with pride that my boy made this choice. It is a life different from his at home.
He uses a bucket for a shower,  he has had to learn new bus and jeep routes to get around a bigger, more dangerous, more crowded city than the one in which we now live.   He has had to overcome his own bit of shyness and jump into the unfamiliar to get involved.
He recently went on a 4-day trip with friends, ate his first balut (duck embryo) and is getting a chance to make friends from walks of life we never knew when we were in the states.  I am honored to watch this son-of-mine becoming the man that he is intended to be.

Yes, he jumped!!!!!!!!

Street Outreach

 My only-daughter is just a few months from high school graduation. She is working on her LAST math course and then she will be a high school graduate. I see her thriving in this new country and am so thankful for the time we have been spending together. She got her first-ever pedicure with me last week and, although she laughed through the whole foot massage portion, seemed to like the results. I know I did! Elliana is having a portfolio done to explore the possibility of doing some modeling here. The "mestiza" (half Filipino/half white) look is super popular here.  Don't believe me? Come walk through the mall with my girl. It honestly feels like going out in public with a rock star.  Groups of giggly teen girls ask if they can take a picture with her. Boys stare with their mouths half open.  Elliana is very good natured and generally just waves and smiles (sending the gawkers into a stunned silence) but every now and then, I do see it taking a toll. She just wants to order her meal or buy a shirt sometimes without the giggles and stares.  This is a "problem" I think most of us wouldn't mind having . . . ha ha ha!  Elliana has been working with a reading group of Bartimaeus Kids on Saturdays and being an all-around great help to me.  I'm proud of her in a million ways!

 For the last two months, we have been getting to know Ariel, our newest family member, in a deeper way.  Ariel is the full biological sibling of our son, Lem.  He is 23. He has a sweet, happy spirit and is truly NEVER in a bad mood. He is happy,  tired, hungry or a combination of the three at all times!  Ariel went from his desperately poor family into institutional care at age 8.  He has traveled many paths from orphanage to adoptive home to disrupted adoption (in The Philippines), back into a shelter, independent living, shelter again and finally, our family.  I'm sure he bears the scars of this kind of life but, to tell you the truth, we don't see scars.   We see optimism and a trust that God is there and always has been.  We see cognitive delays. Early malnutrition is a beast, people!   The things it does to children are truly irreversible without a miracle from God.   This broken world has left Ariel with life long learning challenges that will change his course in dramatic ways.   I spent many years in The States trying to bring Ariel into our family. When we finally got here and were able to commit to him as parents, I  felt that dream realized but, the truth of the matter is, teaching an adult to read, with all of his memory and processing issues is HARD WORK!  It requires that I pray through each school day in a new way, asking the Lord to give Ariel retention,  to make connections, to show him the value of what he's learning.  For myself, the prayer is always patience and compassion no matter how I "feel" that morning or how my night's sleep was.  This young man is counting on me.  God has been so gracious to wrap this difficult teaching challenge in such a sweet, compliant, eager-to-learn package.  I love this young man and that goes a long way at the teaching table.   Yet another chance to remember "it's NOT about me."

Ariel with Ezekiel and Amaris, doing his usual thing - being awesome with the little kids!

Kyle and Ezekiel . . . well . . . what to say about those two? They are my "babies" and they are great friends.  Kyle is showing signs of becoming one of the "big kids" and I don't really like it!  He continues to be so thoughtful, buying candy and gifts for his siblings on a whim, playing games with Ezekiel that he has played a thousand times before - with no complaints.  Kyle is learning by leaps and bounds in school and reading large chapter books of his own accord. He struggles with missing a couple of very special friends from the States.  You know, the kind of friends that just "happen" to you and, before you know it, they are pretty much family.  Kyle had that and he misses it.   I don't blame him.  It takes time and just-right circumstances to find that.
Ezekiel is kind of potty training but, the stubborness innate in his Down Syndrome is making this a cirque du soleil- level challenge for Mama.  I'm kind of up to up, kinda not.

Francis and Lem are doing well, homeschooling, making friends with a group of kids who love basketball and going with the flow as I anticipated they would.  I love my boys. I have been BLESSED that THESE are the ones God gave us!  Perfect? No, not even close but humble of heart, willing to serve and a heck of a lot of fun!  For teen boys, I'd say we have the gold standard.  Maybe that was a bias and completely "obnoxious Mama" thing to say but, it's typed and I don't feel like hitting the "X" key! Plus, I do believe it.

In other news:  I'm working really hard to learn this language and it is NOT easy! The words are so darn long and that "ng" sound is so foreign to my English-speaking mind.  But I NEED to learn.  I know some basic phrases and encouragements that I use when we work with the kids but that isn't enough.  If you don't know what Tagalog sounds like, go to youtube and find a Tagalog song or movie clip.
This language is tonal -changing the emphasis on a syllable changes the word but it is also a language where one word can mean 10 things depending on where you place it in a sentence.  Yeah . . .I  know.   And I laugh when I remember believing the notion that "everyone in The Philippines speaks English."  They don't. And they don't have to.  I'm in their country and I should learn their language. Period.   SOME people here speak excellent English.  Who? Professionals, social workers, etc.  Who DOESN'T? Young children, the poor, anyone who hasn't been to school grade 3 and up. . . most everyone we are ministering to.  I am thankful I have a husband and two sons who are not only bilingual but can translate for me!  I am jealous of them. And prideful.  I don't want a translator, I want to speak for myself.  Humbled again.   Sure I need it.

The Bartimaeus Project:
I have never worked this hard in my life!  Certainly not in the 16 years since quitting my Special Ed job in California and homeschooling my own brood.  Yes, I have worked very very hard as a homeschool mom but this is a whole new kind of tired! Aside from the weekly Bartimaeus Learning Center enrichment classes, we are doing outreach with a local street ministry, mountains of paperwork for our project, visiting orphanages, working on becoming licensed foster parents, and a host of other small tasks that we know God has asked us to do so we do them.  Our original target for ministry here was blind children living in orphanages. We came here with our braille-writer, tons of sensory games and activities for the blind and prepared to self-teach braille immediately.
We arrived to find a few children in orphanages with visual impairments - and we offered our services to them - but, for the most part, kids with visual impairments are not in orphanages. They are turned away because of the high cost of caring for them.   We then broadened our scope to work with children with all types of special needs, still holding out for visually-impaired as our primary focus.
We found that there are so many children in care with special needs. So, so many.  We have had to be particular with who we serve, making the most of our time and resources.  THAT is a foreign concept to me.  I like to throw open the doors and say "everyone, come on in!"  but, realistically, we can't do that.  It would painfully short-change the children we are seeing who have real, genuine needs.
And I am growing to love these kids so much that holding back, for THEIR sakes, is becoming easier.

If you've read this far, you either love our family, really care about orphans in The Philippines or have some extra free time. No matter why, I want to thank you!  I am praying the Lord will prick so many hearts for these kids, and the ones who are to come!
Our goals over here are:
1. To open a full-time Special Education school for orphans with visual impairments and other special needs.
2. To eventually turn that school into an orphanage so we can invest daily, moment-by-moment in the children.
3. To share the awesome, life-changing news of salvation through Jesus with the kids - and live it out FOR REAL.

True fact:  We need a BUNCH more monthly donors.  We have been blessed with awesome one-time gifts. We are so thankful for those.  They got us over here, they help keep us moving forward.  But in order to plan and budget, we so SO desperately need people to pledge monthly.   I'm not going to tell you to give up your Starbuck's for an orphan or to stop eating out after church so one of our BP kids can have lunch and books.  All that stuff stays between you and the Lord.  Adults works that out for themselves.
But I AM going to say, the more monthly giving that comes in, the more we can do over here. It's a simple equation. You give and we work.  We're working already WITHOUT being totally funded (or paid) because God has blessed us personally. But eventually our own resources will run out and we really, really want to be here for the long haul.   I promise I will NOT try to shake you down in every blog post but I have to be true to my pledge to be transparent on this blog.  I think my long-time readers know I share the good, bad and the brutally ugly have been written here over the years.

Anyway, if you feel like God is asking you to support The Bartimaeus Project, you can do it one of two ways:
1. Donate via paypal on the web site (www.bartimaeusproject.org)
                            or
2. Send checks offline (the info on how to do that is on the web site, too.

PLEASE pray for our project's big fund raiser!!!! It's happening in Baltimore, Maryland at the Grammercy Mansion on
on Thursday (October 24th) in the evening.  ( For more info, email Emily Russell at emilyrussellphotography@gmail.com).
We are asking God to fully fund our year on that night.  Will you ask, too?  He can do it.

SO, there it is. The mega-update I have been wanting to share for quite awhile and when the internet service and time clock aligned, it was done!

From one Earthen Vessel to another . . .

A Change of Heart

I hope you'll indulge me a bit here.     This is one of those "fighting to get out of me" posts but it has little to do with The Bartimaeus Project or our specific work here in The Philippines.

It has to do with my own personal convictions being turned on their heads.

Those who know me "in real life", or even as long-time blog readers know that I am direct. I am
resolved. I am unapologetic about my convictions - whether they be controversial or widely accepted.

Living in The Philippines has caused me to rethink a few tenants I once held dear.

Among them are:

BEING QUIVERFULL:
There was a time in my personal journey as a wife and mother that I firmly believed EVERY married Believer should throw away the contraception and let the Lord choose his family size. I still do believe that SOME families are called to walk this path.  I can no longer justify it for all. First, it is not clearly mandated in scripture (although I would have called it "God's Best" in years gone by). Second, there is NO WAY IN HADES I could look into the eyes of parents here, in The Philippines, who struggle to feed their three children and are only in their 20s and tell them that God forbids them from controlling the number of children they have.  And if something is not universally applicable among all Christians, it's "gray matter" and gets tossed aside (cue sound of brick breaking a window).
That being said, I would still love to adopt (or even birth) more children if God deemed it. I welcome as many children as He gives us. But that is OUR path . . .  If I ever judged any of you for choosing to limit your family sizes (by non abortifacient means, of course), please forgive me. I am learning and growing. I pray that never stops.

VACCINATIONS:
This is one of the most scalding of hot-button issues among families, especially Christian families. SUPER "especially" HOMESCHOOLING Christian families.  I have been on internet forums where women proverbially "rip each other new ones" over whether or not vaccinating children against common childhood diseases is effective, necessary or even abusive.
If you live in a country where you can choose NOT to vaccinate and your child can still live a healthy, long life, stop RIGHT NOW and thank HIM for that freedom.  In this country, vaccines DO save lives!  Now, before I get 357 comments asking for proof and documentation, let me just share something anecdotal here.  I can not PROVE that vaccines have saved specific children but I can prove that non-vaccinated children here die often of diphtheria, rubella, complications from measles and  that POLIO still lives on here in remote areas.  Again, I would NEVER EVER EVER (even with Dr. Fred Mercola holding my hand) stand face to face with a poor family and encourage them not to vaccinate their children.  Likewise, I would never encourage you to send your child to a country like this  for a mission trip unvaccinated.  The responsibility is too great and the stakes too high to play around with this issue.  All of my children are now caught up on their vaccines and if, later in life, there are autoimmune consequences, I'll be sad.  But if they have made it through years of living here without rubella maiming their unborn child or diphtheria shortening their lives, it's a trade worth making. 

ECUMENICALISM
I don't want to scare anyone with this change in me but, here, I see people of different faith streams working together VERY WELL for the common cause of the poor.  As a person of reformed theology (Calvinist-ish), serving alongside those who are very, very Pentecostal, staunch Catholic or even doctrinally liberal has not been a problem.  Again, there was a time in my pre-missionary life when I would have assumed it untenable to work on a project with those who hold such varied beliefs because we would, inevitably, come to an impasse over some issue and have to part ways. Serving here has not changed my own personal convictions about the  reliability of scripture (as 100% inerrant) nor about God's sovereignty in ALL things (including salvation) but it HAS helped me to understand that it is possible, and even desirable, to work in harmony with other Believers who hold different doctrinal beliefs.   I don't have to agree with these people in all areas to find enough common ground to "get the job done".  As long as we all agree that salvation comes only through Christ and HE is the ONLY way to the Father, I think we can cross other bridges as we come to them. And we may never come to "other bridges".  When the needs here are screaming out at us and families are shattering before our eyes, doctrinal differences hardly seem discussion-worthy.

CHILDREN BELONG IN THEIR FIRST FAMILIES
Adoption is amazing, wonderful, beautiful and one of the best decisions or family ever made.
That being said, I believe children, EVEN POOR CHILDREN, belong in their original families whenever possible. Just because I can give a child more "stuff" does not mean he should join my family.  Adoption is a radical measure for a child in crisis, not a "first,best plan" for a child who's parents don't have a nice house or money for the dentist.  I think about my own adoption as a daughter of the King.  It would have been BEST, of course, if the Fall of Man never took place and I was born into a relationship with HIM and stayed there. It was because of a huge crisis, the disaster of sin, that He enacted spiritual adoption.  Now I don't have to live as an "orphan" with the grim prognosis of one who has no lineage.   THIS is why, when I share photos of ministry we have done with children who still  have families, and comments like "I wish I could take them all home with me" are typed, I cringe.  They don't WANT to go home with you. They want to stay with their  first family, right here in their shack with no running water and no electricity.  Sometimes they NEED to come home with you because they are unsafe or alone. Sometimes the first family has had to sign them over for permanent adoption or has dropped them at a shelter and never returned.  Adoptive parents are the "soft place to land". We get to be used by God to fill a gaping hole left by sin in this broken world. But for the grace of God, we could BE that "first family", unable to keep and raise our own offspring.  Trying to keep first families together should be the goal of any ministry working with the poor. When that just can't happen, adoption BECOMES the best option!


Those are the major changes that have taken place in my worldview since moving over here. Maybe I'm just typing this post for catharsis and it doesn't mean a hill of beans to you readers.  Maybe you haven't even read this far down.  MAYBE I'm going to get some "hate mail" now.  I don't get much of that, thankfully. Maybe it's my turn  to get "ripped a new one" by some of you??  That's okay, too.
But I'm a person who will say I'm wrong when I believe I am.

In some places, I have been wrong.

In others, I'm still wrong.   Just trying to prayerfully examine my convictions, line up with scripture the best I can with this fallible, finite mind. . praying I do no harm in my areas of ignorance. . . clinging to the knowledge that when I am weak, HE is strong!

Everywhere I Go

 Today, Wednesday, July 31st, marks THREE WEEKS since we turned the key on our new home and started living in The Philippines.  We allowed ourselves two or three days for jet lag and then began to get to work securing the licensing that will allow us to freely work with any child through The Bartimaeus Project.
We are very close to having that license!  We have children lined up and waiting to be evaluated and loved on.  How eager we are to get started!
In the meantime, we are spending our days getting to know this place we call home.  We have driven to the far corners of Luzon and been lost more than once.
We have taken buses, jeepneys and trikes as we get to know our close-by places.
And every place we go, every day, we are confronted with the poverty that earned this beautiful country the status "third world".

I am always uncertain as to how much to post and what pictures would be appropriate for this blog.  This is a country and a people of great dignity.  But I have seen horrible things and I want to share them with you because it is vital to your understanding of the answer to the question  "why can't you stay and help the poor in the United States?".
Yes, we DO have poor people in America.  Maybe even a few who actually starve due to lack of access to food or clean drinking water.

But not like this.

The streets in my town are lined with squatters.  The squatters are virtually homeless people who have make houses out of tarp, plywood, metal and garbage.  You can see them lining the Pasig River in the picture below if you enlarge it.

The squatter villages are full of children.   I have seen naked children playing within a foot of the busy street.
I have had beautiful children see my white face and hold out a hand to beg for a few pesos.
I have seen mothers carrying children who look very frail and sick. Walking down the street with hollow eyes, no hope to be seen.

And I don't have to go anywhere special to see this scene.   On the way to the grocery store, they are there.

Outside the restaurants where my family dines, they wait to ask for help

 And I say to myself "oh, we are here to help visually-impaired orphans. We aren't here for THIS kind of ministry."
But my heart is always prodded by that still small voice saying "whatever you have done for the least of these, you have done for ME."

And I say I would do ANYTHING for HIM.  And here "HE" is.  In the form of a dirty child holding out his hand.
In the face of a mother who's baby clearly has pink eye left untreated.  Looking just like a bone-thin old man coughing his lungs out on a crowded jeep, making me recoil just a bit as I think about tuberculosis.

Yes, we have poor in the United States.  but not like these . . .

Lord, teach us to serve and love and be your hands and feet.  Let us not confine ourselves to only doing what feels comfortable but let us love with reckless abandon.  For the time is short.   Let us not count the cost.

TEACH US TO LOVE.

Progress and Planning

 It seems months since our family turned the key and opened the door to our beautiful home in The Philippines! In reality, we have not even been here two full weeks.
It seems weeks since I've had a long phone conversation with my "bestie" or cleaned my house top to bottom in anticipation of a visit from my parents.
I can't remember the last time I drove toward Wal Mart talking to my sister on my cell phone. But I know it is not as distant-past as it feels.
A BIG change like the one we are undergoing really tampers with your sense of time.

There has been, in just under two weeks, so much progress in this "missionary life" that I don't know where to begin.
We have already had the distinct honor of hosting three hilarious, instantly-loveable, fellow Believers in our home.
First is my "soul sister", Sharon, who runs Children's Garden (the shelter that cared for Ariel for a long time), next is
Jake, an American (from OMAHA - where I was born, of all places and currently calls NORTH CAROLINA home - yeah, weird? I thought so, too) who has committed a year to living and serving at Children's Garden.  Finally, Allie, who is the daughter of Children's Garden's US counterpart's president, AmerICANHELPer.  She's just a few days younger than my oldest son and is a sunshiney, fun-loving cheerful spirit who is open to wherever God will lead her.

God placed these new friends in our lives at the perfect time.  We were just getting settled and after weeks of hard work, needed some fun!

Everyone but Anthony, the eternal photographer, at a restaurant together

The Beach in Batangas

The rock island some of my kids swam out to

What A Great Daddy!!!!

Sharon and Me: See the resemblance????

And through out this time of transition, I can literally FEEL God holding our family in the palm of His hand.  We have driven in crazy traffic and not been harmed. We have, no doubt, been targeted for a robber (per our Gate Guard's announcement) and not been robbed.
We have eaten various foods from street vendors, restaurants, etc and not been ill. We are being "held".
I attribute that solely to the prayer warriors in our lives who I KNOW have been walking with us in spirit.

We visited a nearby church called "Christ Commission Fellowship" and, much to our surprise,  found another CHURCH PLANT before us.  From Village Church to Explore Church, it seems we are destined to attend church plants.  Yes, it's always a lot of hard work but the payoff is immeasurable! Being on the "ground floor" of the building of a part of the Body is a privilege.

In order to officially begin Bartimaeus work full force, we have to register some paperwork with various government offices and wait for a few approvals.  We are free to visit the children (and we will next week) but we are not officially sanctioned by the Philippine government until we fulfill a few more requirements.  The hard part about this is these are NOT things that can be done online. We must go, in person, to various offices in the most congested parts of Manila and drop off paperwork.  Everything must be previously notarized and, of course, there is a small charge for every document submitted.

Everything takes longer here.

We went to open our bank account and were informed that we had to submit 1 inch by 1inch color photos of ourselves to make our account official.  No, they can not be emailed, either. We must go to the drug store, pay for photos, pick them up later (not instant pictures) and drop  them off at the bank.  All this in pretty dicey traffic.

That is the way here. This is NOT the USA and an "I want it NOW" attitude will only end up in futility so we are learning to step back and allow for things

That lack of "hurry up" has a nice side, too.  Friends stop and linger. Meals are unrushed and full of fellowship. Church service was relaxed and loose with not one "alarm" beeping that it was noon and time to race the Methodists to Golden Corral . . .ha ha. . . .

It's just so different here. Not worse. Not better.  Just different.  . . And I love it.

My heart breaks with every drive down the highway as I see the squatter villages with unclothed children playing so near the street it makes me hold my breath.  And I'm taken aback by the physical beauty of both the people and the landscape.  The resourcefulness of the poor is something to behold and the way NOTHING is wasted here never fails to amaze me.  People make something out of all the things we discard in the US.  Useful things that we buy.   They make and make well.

The food here is UMATCHED! The fried chicken is heavenly. My favorite dish (which is so so bad for me) is called "Crispy Pata" and it's basically pork fat fried as crunchy as a potato chip and seasoned.  There's a soup called "bulalo" which is a piece of beef in a broth that tastes so good it could make a grown man cry!    I choose Filipino food over Mexican, Italian (sorry, mom) or any other type of food any day.

I had every intention of writing a deep, beautiful post about our place in this country but I feel like I've only succeeded in rambling about some of things and people we are encountering.

Let me wrap up with a few pictures and by saying, I am so blessed and happy to be here. I consider it an honor to serve in such a place. I want to thank you all who are praying and giving.  It is our heart's desire not to disappoint but to make YOUR sacrifice count for the Kingdom.
For HIS Fame,
Nikki

Skyping with my parents.  Always a blessing!

Elliana's foot with sea urchin barbs in it (see the dark parts?). She said it was truly excruciating. 

A man saw what happened on the beach and brought us a packed of vinegar he happened to have. Anyone believe in angels?

The Taal Volcano . . . just a few miles from our house. Can you believe this beauty???

A Post in Pictures

At the LAX airport one week ago awaiting the 13 hour flight on Philippine Airlines that would take us to our new home.

The line for check in (16 bags and 12 carry ons) was made much longer when our family stepped in!

Getting all settled in with no idea we are about to be bounced around the sky in some pretty heinous ways (ha ha)

settled in watching movies

a little in-flight PDA

This is the CLEAN side of the plane after the turbulence hit. I have NEVER been on a flight this turbulent and I hope to never again! 

A man was hurt in the restroom. It was a good  8 hours of rockin and rollin!

FINALLY home . . . sitting on our back porch at the new house. Happy to be on solid ground!

Riding the jeepney with the kids to get a few groceries.

The road in front of our house that goes toward the gate.

The mall! Air Conditioning and coffee!!!!

Our new van (a 12 seater, stick shift, diesel, STAREX)

YEAH .  . even before a sign of the fish, we get the NINERS . . . sigh

This Day

This day has been my second hardest since we said "yes" to The Call to abandon this life and move to The Philippines for His name.

We had our big yard sale.  The same precious friends who have been FOR us for so long came out. They visited and encouraged
and bought things they may not have even needed just to help us on our way. They brought food and our children played.

And my six kids  put their belongings into the yard sale.  That is where my heartbreak begins.  Their toys, books, mementos.
Things I know they would have kept if we were staying.

The tiny "tee" that my now-18-year- old used to hit a ball from when he was just three.

The art supplies my only daughter used to create some beautiful works.

Their bikes and balls and skateboards. 

The electric wok I took from my grandmother's house after she passed away because she was so "practical" and I knew she would
like me to cook for my family on it while not heating the whole house with the oven in summer.

Hundreds of books lovingly read to my kids over these years.  Homeschool curriculum they used to learn to read, add, tell time
and get to know Jesus better.

Gifts from my parents to their grandchildren. 

That little black car that was my husband's "dream car" for our whole marriage.  It sits with a FOR SALE sign on the windshield.

Most of our items are now gone to the homes of others, or to Goodwill.  I know it's just "stuff" but it was MY stuff and it represented a life lived in the safety and comfort of our home. Among friends.  Belonging.

I expected to be relieved today because so much of that "stuff"  just  fetters us and is gone.

But I'm struggling with some sadness.

And for the life of me, I can't figure out why anyone would choose this path if HE was not the real thing.
If the God who created us to be HIS hands and feet to hurting children was not the One True God, there is
no way I would go through this. Or put my children through it.

But He is.

And His Followers are "plan A" when it comes to touching the fatherless and extending love to them.

There is NO PLAN "B".   

Certainly God could, with just a mere thought, set this world right and make every orphan a son or daughter.  And He will
when the time is right.
But for now, as He draws hearts to Himself, one at a time,  we are His hands and feet. 

So I want  to thank my children for giving those things up so willingly.  Not a complaint has surfaced from my brood except for the leaving behind of the people they love. I'm right there with them on that one!

Part of me wants to yell "THIS HAD BETTER BE WORTH IT!!!!!!!"
Not the right attitude, I fear.  Just the truth in my mind today.

To  Aaron, Francis, Elliana, Lem, Kyle and Ezekiel - you could have all made following The Call so much harder.
Thank you for trusting your parents.   Thank you for following our calling, even if you have not heard it specifically as
your own.  I look forward to serving beside you and watching how you grow in your faith as we work.
I love you all.

-Mom-

Mish Mash

In my almost three years as a blogger,  I have fallen silent on my blog only a few times.

Generally, that happens for two reasons. Either I am dealing with an unusually intense family change (an adoption, most often) or I am in a dismal mood and trying not to cyber discourage anyone.

 This most recent silence is due to a little bit of both.

If you've been hanging with us here for any length of time, you'll know that we've been working to sell our home and relocate full-time to The Philippines in service of visually-impaired orphans.

We just received an offer on our home!

That is a huge praise but with that offer comes additional stresses . . . inspections, negotiations, punch lists, concessions, polybutylene pipes and septic tank talk . . .  hard stuff.

 And, of course, while we seek to serve, the Enemy attacks at every turn. . . annoyances, squabbles,
frustration, insomnia and LIES, LIES, LIES . . .

"You are making the  biggest mistake of your lives. Damaging your children. Leaving 'the good life' for a life of poverty and illness"

But I heard all those lines before in one variation or another.  We are adoptive parents, you know.
So we say "bring it on" . . . not sure if we're being brazen out of faith or foolishness. I guess we'll know soon enough.

So that speaks to the "moody" part of the silence but here is the "busy" part. The part I love.

Homeschooling Lem again.

 Back at my kitchen table again where he belongs.


It makes me busy but it also makes me so very happy.

And, of course, the boys who have been here keeping me teaching are still doing just that . . .

Only daughter handles all of her own schooling at this stage of the game. At night, I grade and in the day, she corrects, reads, learns and reads some more.

Oldest son is working extra hours at his YMCA job and just opened his first mutual fund! We are
proud of the man he is becoming.  Almost ready to "do life" as a grown up.
Weirds me out.   I still remember diapers and training wheels.

But such is life.


In this midst of all the changes and planning, I feel myself pulling back from relationships that are not coming with me.  That's not a good practice.   One would expect to be milking those bonds for all they are worth as they will soon be separated by 8,000 miles.  But instead, I hole up and am slow to answer emails or phone calls.  So, forgive me.

Maybe it's the "Navy Brat" coming out to look after the tender parts.

Because sometimes I think about NOT being here and NOT having these people and I feel a little
panicky.  I have taken for granted so much and so many.  Yes, probably you.

So vetting out what is "normal" and what is "enemy" and what is "hormones" and what is "exhaustion" to put all these things into perspective is proving to be less-than-simple.

And I'm not going to try anymore.

I AM going to keep my heart focused on two things.  TRUSTING and OBEYING.

Jesus said "no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God".

So let me look forward.  Always hopeful. Ever pressing on. Silencing the doubts with
what I know to be true.

For you, my friends, encouragers, prayer partners, supporters and fellow laborers. I am
eternally grateful.   Please stay.   And pray.

And I will do the same for you.

For HIS Great Fame,
Nikki