Nothing!

Fundraising.

Just the sound of the word can send chills down an adoptive family's spines!
Most of us have done it. Some of us are doing it. LOTS of us are afraid to try it but know we need to.

It is estimated that the largest demographic of adoptive families are middle income, two parent homes. In other words, most adoptive parents are "your average Joes".
We are.
We have a smallish home, older vehicles and I am not too proud to take the kids to the free sample line at Costco for lunch on occasion (ha ha). We clip coupons, get excited about bags of hand-me-downs and I know how to make one chicken stretch into three dinners if I have to. We use the redbox and popcorn for "fun Friday" as opposed to whole-family trips to first-run shows. We run through the sprinkler and make our own posicles from frozen lemonade. We are frugal because we have to be.

We have adopted four times internationally with NO debt!

How? How on Earth when the laws of mathematics and supply and demand screamed "stop it! We don't work that way".

Here's how:
Jeremiah 32:27
"I am the Lord, Adonai. The God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"

This is clearly, a rhetorical question from the creator of the universe. The obvious answer is "no, Father. Nothing is too hard for YOU".

As I sat pondering this post before writing it,my mind drifted to our most recent adoption of our teenage son. I was truly afraid when we started this process. Not of adopting a teenager. Not of making room in my heart or house. I was afraid of how we were going to pay these mountainous fees! I had already seen the Lord work miracles three times in our adoptions but dare I push the envelope? Dare I ask Him to lavish me AGAIN with provision? Would my friends, family and church have grown weary of our excited invitations for them to partner with us for the sake of an orphan?

I remember putting my "chip in" button on my blog with a little fear and trepidation.

In no time, the first donation came in. It was a LARGE donation from the teenage son of one of my highschool friends. This young man did not know us personally.
He is, I repeat, a TEENAGER! Aren't they supposed to be self absorbed? Aren't they supposed to be saving every cent for a fast car or the latest gadget? Nope. Not this young man. He blasted us with our first big donation and reminded me
that the Lord is GOD and NOTHING is too hard for Him!!!!

Take heart, my fellow fund raising friends! God moves the most unexpected people to do the most unpredictable things for His own glory.

OPPORTUNITY TO BLESS #1:
I know a family made up of four gorgeous children, two young, busy parents and a love for the Lord that calls them to go deeper for the sake of one adorable little boy in The Philippines who has some special needs. This particular boy stole the heart of every one of my family members on the last trip. He is cuteness personified. He is the favorite of every visitor. He is the non biological brother of our Francis, who loves him and is so thrilled that he will have his own family soon.
This is a family of "average Joes". They could use our help. Please consider heading over to their blog to make ANY size donation (http://bindmywanderingheart.wordpress.com/). They have stepped out in faith, trusting that God will pay for what He has ordered. They are counting on the body of Christ to help get their son here. They'll gladly do the raising, the feeding, the training, the late-night comfort. They need US to help get him here!!

BLESSING OPTION #2:
There is an astounding, large family made up of children from many, many countries. This family opens their doors to hard-to-place children. They keep sibling groups from being disassembled. They tirelessly seek the "least of these", scoop them up and claim them.
This family has more than 20 children but does not feel complete. They are, once again, pursuing children who have nobody to call "Mama" or "Daddy". Their newest children come from Ghana, Africa. The infant of this group has some significant challenges. This family stands at the ready! They say "bring it on" and prepare, once again, to offer children the permanency that they need to thrive.
Will you pray about extending your hand?
http://gillispiefam.blogspot.com/2012/03/walking-by-faith-efuas-family.html?m=1
Cut and paste the link above into your browser for more information on helping this family.

Not every Believer is called to adoption. But we are all commanded to care for the orphan (James 1:27). Here are two opportunities right before you.

What say you?

It's a New Thing!

For those who have been long-time readers (or started reading with Adoption Disruption: the Down and Dirty), I just wanted to offer a quick update for encouragement.

What I feared most since posting my "Cautious Corner Turning" and "More of This" has happened. Our son got into trouble for being deceptive last night. It was a minor infraction. He turned a TV show while two little brothers were in the middle of it and he took the remote with him to the restroom so they could not turn it back.

It was selfish. It was sneaky.

My heart sank when little brother came and tattled.

I HAD to confront the behavior and I prayed it would not end up in a lie or crying jag. That is the normal pattern. As predictable as a Twilight book, as regular as the phases of the moon . . .

But the cycle broke.

He hung his head, apologized, admitted it was wrong, unkind and selfish WITH NO PROMPTING and he returned the remote to little brother and subjected himself willingly to "Penguins of Madagascar".

There was sincerity in the air! It smells like lilacs and Reece's cups (ha ha).

I asked him to come talk to me and I told him I was NOT proud of the remote sneaking and channel changing but I was OVERLY proud of him taking responsibility and making it right when confronted. He wrapped me in a giant big-kid hug and just said "thank you".

I KNEW he would mess up eventually. Everyone does. Me. You. Everyone but Jesus.
What I didn't know was if the mess up would result in the ugly patterns of RAD coming back with a vengeance. It didn't! I praise the Lord. I love that he can mess up in a relatively normal way and humbly take correction. That is a skill that will serve him so well in life.

Shoot. I could use a little brushing up there myself.

NOBODY over reacted and nobody held a grudge. It was a beautiful mess.
An accidental blessing.

Lord, You are good! You heal. You restore. Even when we're faithless, YOU are faithful! I can't waste my time wishing we had gotten here five and half years ago.

Regret is futile and we're here NOW.

So glad I didn't miss it. So, so glad . . .

A Worthy Cause

I'm proud to be an adoption advocate!
I run in circles of people with whom I share this passion.
Often I am overwhelmed and inundated with the impassioned pleas that find their way to my computer screen.

Yes, I want Joseph Kony, the Ugandan thug and perpetrator of genocide to be caught and punished.

Yes, I want every child with Down Syndrome to find a loving home and not languish in an institution.

I want AIDS/ HIV to be eradicated. I would love to help find a cure.

Based on the recent passing away of my beautiful grandmother (to cancer), it would thrill me if a cure for cancer were discovered and the hospice center that made her last days so bearable was awarded millions of dollars somehow.

I desperately want to see prayer allowed back into our public schools and true, Biblical morality restored to our country.

I am in great danger of becoming a victim of diluted efforts.

I remember when my husband and I took Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University" together. Dave clearly stressed that we were to attack ONE DEBT at a time with a vengeance. He highlighted how dividing up our funds and paying the same on each debt results in diluted efforts. Nothing gets "paid off" and everything stays pretty much the same.

I can see myself doing this in the causes I long to support. They are all GOOD things. They are all vehicles for the sharing of the gospel and things that I believe the people of God should be investing in.

But I don't want to dilute my efforts.

Does that mean when friends are fund raising for their various passions, I should say "no" to all who do not support the things I hold dear? No! God's word tells us to give to all who have need, and not to hold back.

What I don't want to do is be a valiant, well-intentioned beggar, always asking for donations to one cause or another, flip flopping in my scope to the cause of the day but never sticking with anything long enough to develop roots.

For me, Philippine adoption of waiting children is what makes my heart beat fast. It's a topic of conversation I have to be careful not to dominate when it comes up. It's a place I feel confident in the knowledge that God has given me. It's a country I love. It's a place where beautiful children with fairly low instances of institutional abuse takes place (yes, it happens there, too sadly) and everything about this country, people and culture is precious to me. I have trouble understanding why anyone would look anywhere else for their child - but I know that is my own passion and bias talking.

God calls us all to different passions to accomplish The Great Commission and meet the needs of the poor, orphaned and widowed of the world.

Ask Him to show you your passion! Ask Him to light a fire in your heart that can only be quenched by walking in your calling! Ask Him to use YOUR life to change someone else's life. Ask Him how YOU can make His name great right in your little corner of the world and across the globe.

Don't let The Enemy dilute your efforts and trick you into ineffectual service.
Life's too short and the needs are too great.

What is your God-given passion???? Walk in it!

More of THIS

After more than a month of smooth sailing with our "RADish", I feel I can safely type that the corner has not only been turned but is firmly in our rear-view mirror!
For more than a month, we have been without:
1. lies
2. sneaky behavior being uncovered
3. long crying jags of an unknown origin (or any crying, really)
4. emails or phone calls from concerned teachers about various transgressions
5. adults overhearing unsavory talk or unkindness to the youngers

We continue to praise the Lord for his new mercies! I know His word says His mercies are new every morning but for us, it feels like the verse should read "new every six years".

As I mentioned in a previous post, every professional we have read or consulted has
assured us that Reactive Attachment Disorder is an incurable plight with a dismal prognosis. I don't pretend to know more than any expert. I DO know what's happening inside our home and it is starting to look like a cure to me!! Our gracious God repeatedly has done more than we asked or imagined in paying for our adoptions, providing for the needs of our family, guiding us in a plethora of parenting issues, opening doors for service for us and even healing loved ones of illnesses . . . why would I ever think for a moment He would withhold healing our son? He wouldn't if it was His will to do so.

Lemuel is so much more than just a kid with RAD. I fear that when I blog, I fail to communicate that properly. He is a caring big brother, a star athlete, a hard worker, a loving son and he has the kind of perseverance that most people covet.
With the RAD-colored glasses removed, I am able to see him as so much more than the sum total of my heartache allowed.

He talked to me today out of the blue about one of his former placements. We were standing at the sink and he said "Mrs. 'Smith' lied to me". I asked him what he meant by that seemingly random statement.

He replied "she said when they dropped me off at the hospital they were coming back to get me but the next day they came to tell me they weren't keeping me. She's a liar".

My first reaction was to defend this woman who wanted very much to parent Lemuel but just didn't. She just didn't. He was tough to handle to be sure and she counted the cost and said "it's not worth it". (side note, it's ironic that his talk centers only around the mother in this case. There was a father. A "nice dad" according to my son).

Rather than defending her, I just agreed with him. It seemed the right thing to do plus, I've never spoken to her. I don't know why she threw in the towel after six months. I can only guess. He was a tough case.
He went on to thank me for not giving up and assured me that he knew God wanted him with us and that's why things didn't work out in the other families... Seeing his rejections through the plan of a Sovereign God is the only way for a child to make sense of what has happened to him. And it makes sense because it's true.

One more brick laid in a brand new foundation for a child who has been here such a long time but really just arrived . . .

SIX YEARS!

I can't promise a single one of you who are walking the RAD path that in six years, you will see great progress with your child. I can promise you that many parents give up before the harvest and they miss something wonderful.

Can you hang in there just a little longer? One more week? Two more months? Just a year or so? It seems too much to ask when you're in the fray, doesn't it?
It is. I would have taken ANY out that seemed reasonable at the lowest of times. I would have sent him back to his country if that was allowed. In fact, I remember praying that I would be diagnosed with some terrible illness so that I could disrupt the adoption and blame it on my own sickness. It would have felt legitimate. People do it all the time.
Thank you, Jesus, for NOT answering THAT prayer.

Instead, the bigger prayers of my heart were answered. For six years, my prayers were for God to infuse me with genuine, heartfelt, I-would-die-for-you love for this child so I could stick it out through the hardest of times. He fed me that love piecemeal, just enough for the day but never in enough abundance for me to let down my guard and stop clinging to Him like a life raft in a tidal wave.

I prayed for REAL connection to Lemuel so I could know that I have his heart. I prayed for him to trust us enough to know that we're not taking our last name from him when he messes up.

But ultimately, as much as this journey is teaching me, it's not ABOUT me much at all. It's about the value of one life - Lemuel's. It's about trusting our Heavenly Father when it seems we've lost hold of His hand. It's about sharing with anyone who will listen that God is faithful and more than able!

But to him, a day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day.

Sometimes the hard times felt like they lasted a LITERAL thousand years.
And there may be more to come. . .

But I have blessed assurance that God is bringing about His purpose in His time and in His way.

We always said "use us, Lord . . . take our lives and do what you want"

It appears He took us up on the offer.

I am so glad He did!

Lem (left) and Ky (right) on paddle boats at our agency picnic

Keeping the Coals Stoked

I watched a documentary on Netflix today that both horrified and energized me at the same time. It is called " Triage, Humanitarian Dilemma: Dr. James Orbinski" or something close to that. Dr. Orbinski is a Canadian doctor, devoted father and lover of the poor and downtrodden people of Africa. If you have Netflix and want God to shake you right out of your complacency regarding the suffering that goes on around the globe, THIS is the documentary for you!
The last movie I watched was another documentary called "Small Voices" about street children in Cambodia. It, too, was an eye opening journey into the lives of those the word of God calls all Believers to minister to - the poor, the widows, the fatherless.
I have a love/hate relationship with documentaries such as the ones I just mentioned. I love the way they keep my heart tender for those in need around the world. I love how they open my eyes to those who suffer and struggle simply for survival. I hate how helpless these shows make me feel. I think about them for days. As I care for my family, I think about the mothers I saw on the screen, emaciated women, trying to nurse skeletal infants. I bemoan my need to lose 25 pounds and get back on the treadmill but realize that my "problem" is strictly FIRST WORLD. So small. Nothing, really.
There are two things I am always seeking my Heavenly Father about. The first is that the story of what Christ did on the cross is something I would never grow cold about - that it would always move and overwhelm me when I hear it. The second is that I would never be able to turn a blind eye to the suffering of other humans and go on, unaffected, if I can help in some way.
So far, He has proven faithful on both accounts.
I asked these things of Him years ago and had no idea how they would look in reality. If I had known, I may not have asked. Too late.
I can not contain my tears when I hear a song, read an account or hear a sermon about Calvary. I used to be unmoved as a teen and young woman. I felt grateful for what Jesus endured for my sake but accepted it and moved on. Not anymore.

I grew up with NO heart for the poor, the foreigner, the orphan or the widow. I remember making jokes about starving Africans as a young, stupid teen. I vividly recall thinking, when I saw hungry children on television with flies buzzing around their encrusted eyes and mouths "their parents should have used birth control". I had so little understand of the gift of life. Such short-sighted views of my role as a professing Believer in Christ. THOSE people that seemed so very different from me - so responsible for their situations - were just like me.

In the book of Revelation, God chastises the church at Laodecia for thinking they are rich when they are, in reality, "poor, blind, wretched, pitiful, poor and naked". I was likely MORE poor, blind, wretched, pitiful, poor and naked than those I stood in such superior judgement over.

The tender heart is something God cultivated in me after motherhood. After HE showed me the mystery of loving someone more than myself, He began to drive that love deeper and stretch it out to include those not of my bloodline. Only God can make someone as selfish as I was (and sometimes am) into a lover of strangers. Miracle of mercy! Proof He is REAL! Grace gift!

I dare you, fellow sojourners, ask the Lord to make your heart break for what breaks His. Ask him to keep your coals burning and your fire stoked for the calling that He has placed on your life.

Once you do, He will. And there is no going back. Never the same! Changed for the better! Pounded to dust for the sake of the gospel but fully renewed for the work!

I Say "YES" . . . Do You?

I have watched a plethora of adoption videos. Some are intended to shock while others simply pull the heart strings. A few of the adoption videos I have seen over the years are even designed to shame folks into adopting. I usually deeply DISLIKE adoption videos for the reasons above. The decision to adopt a child, older or an infant, with or without special needs, is one best wrestled between husband, wife and their Creator. God is so very good at illuminating our path - opening the doors HE wants open and shutting those we are not to walk through.
The video below,although heartfelt and touching is just as simple as an adoption video gets. REAL children sharing their REAL experiences before and after their families came to claim them.
Although each of the children in this video is an ex- US foster child, I believe their words echo the sentiments of children all over the world. The longing for a family knows no geographic limits. The heart of a child is created for family. Everywhere. All the time.
Enjoy!

Cautious Corner Turning

Something around this house has changed. Tangibly. For the better.
Our most difficult child, Lem, has been Mr. Not-One-Bit-Difficult for more than two weeks now! This is the longest stretch he has been able to maintain positive behavior, attitude and interactions EVER! While I am praising the Lord, I am guardedly optimistic. I know as a Believer in Christ, being superstitious is not God honoring however, I have blogged, written and talked about how far Lem has come in the past and then, a few days later, been on my knees in my room crying and begging the Lord to let me out of this whole deal. . . but I believe some lasting changes have taken place. I am seeing new things. Good things.

Maturity is FINALLY popping up from it's rabbit hole from time to time. Our once EXTREMELY emotionally delayed child is talking, behaving and pursuing interests that are much closer to his chronological age! He has put himself on hiatus from those video games that were once such a source of joy, stress and obsession for him. Certainly, we could have eliminated those from his life completely at anytime, we are the parents, but we chose to give him a schedule for their use instead. He has shaved that schedule down to almost nothing and when he does play the games, it is for a much shorter duration with NO REAL TEARS or anger when his character loses. This is something GREAT!

He has chosen to participate with the family in pretty much everything we have done for more than two weeks now! Likewise, he has been coming to me for a hug every morning and every night. And three nights ago, when he hugged me at bedtime, he started to cry. Just a little. When I asked him why, he could not articulate the reasons. He said he was happy. That was good enough. I get it, sweetheart, I really do. I cry happy often.

Is he "cured" of his Reactive Attachment Disorder? Well, according to every web site, book and therapist I have encountered, there is no cure for RAD. Does he even have RAD? Is RAD real? Did God heal him? Will I be blogging my sorrows about his new-found reprehensible behaviors any day now? Can I trust two weeks to mean anything at all?

I don't have one single answer to any of those questions.

All I know is that in June, he will have been my son for six years and these last two weeks or so have been the best time period in that entire span. The best!

I believe the prayers of other Believers coupled with maturity on his part and not giving up on our part are starting to glimmer like pay dirt! And I happy cry as I type because I didn't know if I ever WOULD get to type this. I had to learn to be okay with that, I believe, before things could improve. Stop mourning the "whys" and "what ifs" and accept the "IS".

I only needed to give thanks publicly on this blog, to my Heavenly Father who does so much more than we "ask or imagine" (Eph. 3:20) and to share this with those who are struggling with their RADishes... I know life will never be "perfect" this side of Heaven and that two weeks is such a short time but it happened! I never thought it would and it did! All I can do is praise . ..!!!!

I Need a Hero

A few posts ago, I shared my heart - a desperate plea really - for the children coming to our state via our adoption agency's "Share Your Summer 2012" program.
There are 14 children scheduled to come and, as of a few weeks ago, no commitments to these children from willing families.
I am floored . . . thrilled . . .honored to announce that all but a few of these children have committed families. By "committed" I mean some children will be hosted but others will skip being hosted and head straight for being adopted!!!!! My heart sings!
There are a few children who have no commitment.
Tomorrow is my birthday.
I am asking the Lord to find parents (host AND adoptive) for three specific children for my birthday. I realize my Holy, Gracious Father doesn't "owe" me a present. He has already given all that I need and more but I am asking like that pesky neighbor lady in the Bible, repeatedly and maybe even annoyingly, in hopes that God will bring this to be.

The three children in need of host/adoptive parents are boys (of course - boys wait longest - one of the great mysteries of adoption to this Mama of five amazing SONS).

The first little boy is named Aaron, just like my own first born. He is eleven and he is just beautiful! Aaron is in the same orphanage one of our boys came from and I can tell you it is a wonderful, well staffed, loving, Christ focused environment.
Aaron is about as cute as they get! Small for his age and such a beautiful face!

The second children in need of a family are brothers. Their names are JR and Jim. They, too, come from that wonderful child caring agency where Aaron is currently living. They are 11 and 13 years old, I believe. They are energetic, helpful boys who could really use some permanency as they become young men. They would benefit so greatly from a loving Dad to take them under his wing and show them all the things men need to know - how to change a tire, how to watch seven TV shows at once, how to get away with wearing the same pair of jeans for a whole week - you know, the important stuff.

The deadline for hosting has been extended to TOMORROW - MY BIRTHDAY!

I can assure you, dear readers, these are children I would happily host and adopt myself. I have no fear for their safety around other children or their abilities to bond. The only reason my family has not stepped forward to host is that we are just finalizing Francis' adoption. The rules of the Philippine authorities state that families must wait two years between adoptions. I would never want to bring these boys here and then be unable to commit for such a long time. Their childhoods are already well underway.

I have pictures of them all. Oh, if I were allowed to post them . . . take my word for it. They are something! Lovely altogether!

If God is pricking your heart toward any of these boys, please contact Jess or Jim at Christian Adoption Services (www.christianadopt.org) You can see the profiles and pictures. You can know what I already know - three boys wait who should no longer be waiting! Hidden jewels in this adoption world that favors girls and babies - young men who could grow into Godly husbands and loving fathers themselves someday. Cycle breakers. Wanted and valued, and not just by people who come in and out of their lives but by people who say "I'm here and I'm staying".
That's Huge.
Monumental.
That, my friends, is the gospel.
Claiming someone for your very own and opening every corner of your life to that person. No holds barred. What's mine is yours . . . my house, my food, my children are your siblings, my last name is your last name, the heritage of my biological children is now YOUR heritage. No differentiating.
It's what Jesus did for us.
We can model it on our own imperfect level through adoption.
I have walked this path four times.
It is an emotional roller coaster, a faith walk, a nail biter and a trust stretcher. It hurts sometimes and makes you feel like you can fly other times.
It sends me running to my Abba Father and pleading for HIS guidance more than anything else in this life. It rescues me, too.

"Like mighty arrows in the hand of a warrior. So are the children of one's youth. Blessed is he who's quiver is FULL." Psalm 127:4-5

Who Are "The Least of These"?

I am aware of the fact that the header pictures I've chosen lately for this blog are unsettling. It is not my intention to heap "affluent guilt" on my readers. We are infinitely blessed in this country. We don't deserve the good things lavished on us, which is why they are called "blessings". The fact that we can feed, clothe, educate and provide medicine for our children when countless families around the world can not is NOT a source of "guilt" for me and I hope it isn't for you.

It's a source of gratefulness.

I became keenly aware, during the surgery of our little son who has Down Syndrome, that were it not for our citizenship, I would likely not be the adoptive mother of this angel. I would not be the one to hold him as he comes out of anesthesia and feed him that first popsicle. I could just as easily have been the heartbroken mother surrendering him for adoption after finding out my baby has a heart defect and knowing, deep down, that I can not afford the cost of his care.

I was aware when my beautiful daughter had strep throat recently and the copay on her penicillin was only FIVE DOLLARS, that I am among the most blessed of women. I think of these blessings each evening when my family gathers at our dinner table and eats a balanced dinner. I pray the Lord never lets me grow cold to this knowledge. It keeps me humble. It keeps me praising Him for even the small things, like turning on the faucet and enjoying a warm shower.

God's word is clear, though "to whom much has been given, much is required" (Luke 12:48).

It is imperative for those of us who are so outlandishly blessed to be ever-vigilant for opportunities to GIVE - time, money, a listening ear, a hug, encouragement, a soft place for someone who's life is hard, our prayers- whatever God has impressed upon us to give.

And we don't do it with an eye on the return. Sometimes the return is infinitesimal to our human eyes. We do it out of love for a Heavenly Father who gave us all things, even his own precious son. We do it to obey him and to imitate him. We do it because it's all we CAN do that is of value during this short time we have here on Earth. We do it because we long for the name "Christian" to stir up images of people who love to give, who go out on a limb for others - even those who are not EXACTLY LIKE THEM- images of a people who's faith is authentic. People they might even want to be like???? Can you imagine? How rare and glorious!

I want to say "THANK YOU" to those in my own life who are teaching me to live out my faith just by watching them live out theirs. THANK YOU, my friends, who have given sacrificially but counted it all joy! THANK YOU, to those who are the hands and feet of Jesus to those who are hurting in this world. I'm sure you know who you are as you read this but are far too humble to even think "I'll bet she's talking about me" - ha ha! It is your graciousness in being poured out for the sake of the gospel that makes me want to GIVE MORE, DO MORE and BE MORE...

THANK YOU

Waiting Child Alert!!!!!

I was recently contacted by a blog reader with a huge heart for special needs adoption. She is advocating for a BEAUTIFUL little 5-year-old boy of Chinese heritage who has cerebral palsy . . .oh, he is one cute little muffin!!!!
His name is Alex and he needs a Mommy and Daddy right away.
Alex can be adopted for a VERY small fee (somewhere between $1,000 and $3,000) and he has a generous monthly stipend and medicaid through the state of New York to help insure he receives good care until adulthood. Alex can be seen in the video below.
If you decide to watch it, hold onto your heart because he is JUST SO tiny and
cute!

Are you the family for Alex?




For information on Alex, please contact
Debra at truelymd@aol.com

Please pray about what the Lord would have you do. And do it. Let the blessings flow!!!!

Red Skies in the Morning, Sailors Warning

James 4:17
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.


More choppy waters on the home front. And a safe harbor at the end of the day.

Our struggling son has ONE ally in this house. ONE person who he has not injured, lied to or worn out to the point of weariness. Our newest son.
Newest Son is a Godsend for so many reasons. He not only brings extra light, life and cheer to this home but he was perceptive enough to know right away that our struggling son has "issues" and he shared with me that he feels like he can be a good influence on Struggling Brother. He has been. He is.

But last night, Struggling Brother blew it.

(side note)
Our home is structured like most Filipino homes. Our younger children are expected to show respect and obedience toward their older siblings. The older siblings are expected to be kind leaders who put the needs of the younger children before their own. Our younger kids have to call the olders "Kuya" (big brother) or "Ate" (big sister). Is is a family structure that has been in place since our first kids were born and I love the way it plays out. Our kids do NOT hit one another. Our younger children have NEVER said to an older sibling "you're not the boss of me" or "I don't have to listen to YOU! YOU'RE not my father/mother". The olders are, in fact, the "boss of you" and you DO have to listen.
Likewise, we don't see cruelty from your olders to our youngers. It's a structure I would never have known had I not married into it and it's one more reason I'm so HAPPY to be married to my Filipino hubby!Well, that and the incredible food his culture has brought into my life (can somebody pass the pancit, please?).
(end side note)

Struggling Son walks into the room where New Son is playing an NBA video game and says "I want to play". New Son says "I'm in the middle of my game. You can play next". Struggling Son says rudely "I PAID FOR THAT GAME" and proceeds to plug in a controller and pause the game on New Son.
New Son shows great restraint in putting down his controller, saying "here, have it" and leaving the room.
Struggling Son says "sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over as he realizes he's about to get into trouble.
New Son keeps walking, goes to his room to cool off (well done!).

Struggling Son, my great saboteur and self isolator was in need of putting a chasm between himself and New Son, who has been a great friend to him.
It hurt me to see this play out. It hurt me for both boys. I went upstairs to talk to New Son first. He was very understanding. He said "I see how it is with him and I always try to help him but NOW I see why nobody wants to spend time with him."
Sad but insightful. And true. But still mostly sad.

I go into Struggling Son's room next to talk through what he did, why he feels he did it and how he can now fix it. He GREATLY over reacts and ends up telling me that he doesn't want to be close to me. He will be out of the house soon and he's fine if he and I don't have a relationship. I did NOT make this event about he and I. He did. Everything always comes back to me and him in his mind. It's the "mother part" of Reactive Attachment Disorder. I'm paying for the sins of others. I think I always will. I hope not but I think so.

Struggling Son pouts for awhile but, hey', it's "Fun Friday" and we always watch a movie as a family and have popcorn and/or ice cream. Struggling Son comes out to watch the movie but refuses the food. Apparently, he doesn't need anything from US. He sits in a bean bag chair he has slid as far from the rest of us as possible. It's a small house. He can't go far. But he's here. That's progress.

We watch "Tangled" and it ends at about 9pm - still early for a "Fun Friday" so we decide to Netflix "Mars Needs Moms". It's a little dark for kids and pretty odd but we didn't pay extra for it so I eat my havarti and crackers while we watch.
Immediately, the child in the movie gets into trouble and tells his mother he doesn't need her! He tells her he wishes he didn't have a mom! A tear slips down mom's cheek as she gently shuts his bedroom door.

I hear a sniffle that is NOT coming from the television.
Struggling Son is all teary on his bean bag.

By the end of the movie (spoiler here . . . ), the son is clinging to his mother and telling her how much he needs and loves her. He talks about how she tucks him in at night and feeds him. How she vacuums the house and bandages his cuts. How she washes his clothes and cheers at his soccer games . . . gulp. . .

Struggling Son is in the bean bag and is now wrecked. He is trying to sob silently but not all that successful in said endeavor. The occasional wet snort reverbs around the room.

The lights are all off. The room is dark.

I make eye contact with hubby and slightly shake my head. Hubby is NOT to mention what is taking place. None of us do.
We leave this muscular almost 14 year old, sporting his faux hawk, with a little dignity. We wait until he pulls himself together to turn on the light. He makes a bee line for the bathroom where the nose blowing commences.

I go to my room and wait.
I hear him trying to find me and the slightest little "tap tap" on my door.

He comes in and when he sees me, the water works begin again. Apologies. Forgiveness. It's over. Again.

And so goes it with such a tough and yet fragile child.

I do love him so very much. Sometimes the love gets caught up in the circumstances and swept way like debris in a fisherman's net. But then some connection of his ability to hurt with words will float to the surface and it looks like a buoy in the storm. He's GETTING IT! I do believe he's getting it.
And it scares him so much that he lashes out. And our whole family thinks "here we go again" and some of us wish, secretly and not so secretly, that he was just passing through. And the visit was winding down.
But that's not what our Heavenly Father called us to.
We met him in that psyche hospital. We prayed to our sovereign God to show us how far we were required to go and our loving, all-knowing, always-good Father said
"all the way".
Those are facts that can not disputed. Not then. Not now.

We have to keep on keeping on so the name of our Savior is made to count for something in this little household, among our friends, in our church, hopefully even in the blog community.

We want to make a mark.

We just want all of this to matter. For now and for eternity.