I Say "YES" . . . Do You?

I have watched a plethora of adoption videos. Some are intended to shock while others simply pull the heart strings. A few of the adoption videos I have seen over the years are even designed to shame folks into adopting. I usually deeply DISLIKE adoption videos for the reasons above. The decision to adopt a child, older or an infant, with or without special needs, is one best wrestled between husband, wife and their Creator. God is so very good at illuminating our path - opening the doors HE wants open and shutting those we are not to walk through.
The video below,although heartfelt and touching is just as simple as an adoption video gets. REAL children sharing their REAL experiences before and after their families came to claim them.
Although each of the children in this video is an ex- US foster child, I believe their words echo the sentiments of children all over the world. The longing for a family knows no geographic limits. The heart of a child is created for family. Everywhere. All the time.
Enjoy!

Cautious Corner Turning

Something around this house has changed. Tangibly. For the better.
Our most difficult child, Lem, has been Mr. Not-One-Bit-Difficult for more than two weeks now! This is the longest stretch he has been able to maintain positive behavior, attitude and interactions EVER! While I am praising the Lord, I am guardedly optimistic. I know as a Believer in Christ, being superstitious is not God honoring however, I have blogged, written and talked about how far Lem has come in the past and then, a few days later, been on my knees in my room crying and begging the Lord to let me out of this whole deal. . . but I believe some lasting changes have taken place. I am seeing new things. Good things.

Maturity is FINALLY popping up from it's rabbit hole from time to time. Our once EXTREMELY emotionally delayed child is talking, behaving and pursuing interests that are much closer to his chronological age! He has put himself on hiatus from those video games that were once such a source of joy, stress and obsession for him. Certainly, we could have eliminated those from his life completely at anytime, we are the parents, but we chose to give him a schedule for their use instead. He has shaved that schedule down to almost nothing and when he does play the games, it is for a much shorter duration with NO REAL TEARS or anger when his character loses. This is something GREAT!

He has chosen to participate with the family in pretty much everything we have done for more than two weeks now! Likewise, he has been coming to me for a hug every morning and every night. And three nights ago, when he hugged me at bedtime, he started to cry. Just a little. When I asked him why, he could not articulate the reasons. He said he was happy. That was good enough. I get it, sweetheart, I really do. I cry happy often.

Is he "cured" of his Reactive Attachment Disorder? Well, according to every web site, book and therapist I have encountered, there is no cure for RAD. Does he even have RAD? Is RAD real? Did God heal him? Will I be blogging my sorrows about his new-found reprehensible behaviors any day now? Can I trust two weeks to mean anything at all?

I don't have one single answer to any of those questions.

All I know is that in June, he will have been my son for six years and these last two weeks or so have been the best time period in that entire span. The best!

I believe the prayers of other Believers coupled with maturity on his part and not giving up on our part are starting to glimmer like pay dirt! And I happy cry as I type because I didn't know if I ever WOULD get to type this. I had to learn to be okay with that, I believe, before things could improve. Stop mourning the "whys" and "what ifs" and accept the "IS".

I only needed to give thanks publicly on this blog, to my Heavenly Father who does so much more than we "ask or imagine" (Eph. 3:20) and to share this with those who are struggling with their RADishes... I know life will never be "perfect" this side of Heaven and that two weeks is such a short time but it happened! I never thought it would and it did! All I can do is praise . ..!!!!

I Need a Hero

A few posts ago, I shared my heart - a desperate plea really - for the children coming to our state via our adoption agency's "Share Your Summer 2012" program.
There are 14 children scheduled to come and, as of a few weeks ago, no commitments to these children from willing families.
I am floored . . . thrilled . . .honored to announce that all but a few of these children have committed families. By "committed" I mean some children will be hosted but others will skip being hosted and head straight for being adopted!!!!! My heart sings!
There are a few children who have no commitment.
Tomorrow is my birthday.
I am asking the Lord to find parents (host AND adoptive) for three specific children for my birthday. I realize my Holy, Gracious Father doesn't "owe" me a present. He has already given all that I need and more but I am asking like that pesky neighbor lady in the Bible, repeatedly and maybe even annoyingly, in hopes that God will bring this to be.

The three children in need of host/adoptive parents are boys (of course - boys wait longest - one of the great mysteries of adoption to this Mama of five amazing SONS).

The first little boy is named Aaron, just like my own first born. He is eleven and he is just beautiful! Aaron is in the same orphanage one of our boys came from and I can tell you it is a wonderful, well staffed, loving, Christ focused environment.
Aaron is about as cute as they get! Small for his age and such a beautiful face!

The second children in need of a family are brothers. Their names are JR and Jim. They, too, come from that wonderful child caring agency where Aaron is currently living. They are 11 and 13 years old, I believe. They are energetic, helpful boys who could really use some permanency as they become young men. They would benefit so greatly from a loving Dad to take them under his wing and show them all the things men need to know - how to change a tire, how to watch seven TV shows at once, how to get away with wearing the same pair of jeans for a whole week - you know, the important stuff.

The deadline for hosting has been extended to TOMORROW - MY BIRTHDAY!

I can assure you, dear readers, these are children I would happily host and adopt myself. I have no fear for their safety around other children or their abilities to bond. The only reason my family has not stepped forward to host is that we are just finalizing Francis' adoption. The rules of the Philippine authorities state that families must wait two years between adoptions. I would never want to bring these boys here and then be unable to commit for such a long time. Their childhoods are already well underway.

I have pictures of them all. Oh, if I were allowed to post them . . . take my word for it. They are something! Lovely altogether!

If God is pricking your heart toward any of these boys, please contact Jess or Jim at Christian Adoption Services (www.christianadopt.org) You can see the profiles and pictures. You can know what I already know - three boys wait who should no longer be waiting! Hidden jewels in this adoption world that favors girls and babies - young men who could grow into Godly husbands and loving fathers themselves someday. Cycle breakers. Wanted and valued, and not just by people who come in and out of their lives but by people who say "I'm here and I'm staying".
That's Huge.
Monumental.
That, my friends, is the gospel.
Claiming someone for your very own and opening every corner of your life to that person. No holds barred. What's mine is yours . . . my house, my food, my children are your siblings, my last name is your last name, the heritage of my biological children is now YOUR heritage. No differentiating.
It's what Jesus did for us.
We can model it on our own imperfect level through adoption.
I have walked this path four times.
It is an emotional roller coaster, a faith walk, a nail biter and a trust stretcher. It hurts sometimes and makes you feel like you can fly other times.
It sends me running to my Abba Father and pleading for HIS guidance more than anything else in this life. It rescues me, too.

"Like mighty arrows in the hand of a warrior. So are the children of one's youth. Blessed is he who's quiver is FULL." Psalm 127:4-5

Who Are "The Least of These"?

I am aware of the fact that the header pictures I've chosen lately for this blog are unsettling. It is not my intention to heap "affluent guilt" on my readers. We are infinitely blessed in this country. We don't deserve the good things lavished on us, which is why they are called "blessings". The fact that we can feed, clothe, educate and provide medicine for our children when countless families around the world can not is NOT a source of "guilt" for me and I hope it isn't for you.

It's a source of gratefulness.

I became keenly aware, during the surgery of our little son who has Down Syndrome, that were it not for our citizenship, I would likely not be the adoptive mother of this angel. I would not be the one to hold him as he comes out of anesthesia and feed him that first popsicle. I could just as easily have been the heartbroken mother surrendering him for adoption after finding out my baby has a heart defect and knowing, deep down, that I can not afford the cost of his care.

I was aware when my beautiful daughter had strep throat recently and the copay on her penicillin was only FIVE DOLLARS, that I am among the most blessed of women. I think of these blessings each evening when my family gathers at our dinner table and eats a balanced dinner. I pray the Lord never lets me grow cold to this knowledge. It keeps me humble. It keeps me praising Him for even the small things, like turning on the faucet and enjoying a warm shower.

God's word is clear, though "to whom much has been given, much is required" (Luke 12:48).

It is imperative for those of us who are so outlandishly blessed to be ever-vigilant for opportunities to GIVE - time, money, a listening ear, a hug, encouragement, a soft place for someone who's life is hard, our prayers- whatever God has impressed upon us to give.

And we don't do it with an eye on the return. Sometimes the return is infinitesimal to our human eyes. We do it out of love for a Heavenly Father who gave us all things, even his own precious son. We do it to obey him and to imitate him. We do it because it's all we CAN do that is of value during this short time we have here on Earth. We do it because we long for the name "Christian" to stir up images of people who love to give, who go out on a limb for others - even those who are not EXACTLY LIKE THEM- images of a people who's faith is authentic. People they might even want to be like???? Can you imagine? How rare and glorious!

I want to say "THANK YOU" to those in my own life who are teaching me to live out my faith just by watching them live out theirs. THANK YOU, my friends, who have given sacrificially but counted it all joy! THANK YOU, to those who are the hands and feet of Jesus to those who are hurting in this world. I'm sure you know who you are as you read this but are far too humble to even think "I'll bet she's talking about me" - ha ha! It is your graciousness in being poured out for the sake of the gospel that makes me want to GIVE MORE, DO MORE and BE MORE...

THANK YOU

Waiting Child Alert!!!!!

I was recently contacted by a blog reader with a huge heart for special needs adoption. She is advocating for a BEAUTIFUL little 5-year-old boy of Chinese heritage who has cerebral palsy . . .oh, he is one cute little muffin!!!!
His name is Alex and he needs a Mommy and Daddy right away.
Alex can be adopted for a VERY small fee (somewhere between $1,000 and $3,000) and he has a generous monthly stipend and medicaid through the state of New York to help insure he receives good care until adulthood. Alex can be seen in the video below.
If you decide to watch it, hold onto your heart because he is JUST SO tiny and
cute!

Are you the family for Alex?




For information on Alex, please contact
Debra at truelymd@aol.com

Please pray about what the Lord would have you do. And do it. Let the blessings flow!!!!

Red Skies in the Morning, Sailors Warning

James 4:17
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.


More choppy waters on the home front. And a safe harbor at the end of the day.

Our struggling son has ONE ally in this house. ONE person who he has not injured, lied to or worn out to the point of weariness. Our newest son.
Newest Son is a Godsend for so many reasons. He not only brings extra light, life and cheer to this home but he was perceptive enough to know right away that our struggling son has "issues" and he shared with me that he feels like he can be a good influence on Struggling Brother. He has been. He is.

But last night, Struggling Brother blew it.

(side note)
Our home is structured like most Filipino homes. Our younger children are expected to show respect and obedience toward their older siblings. The older siblings are expected to be kind leaders who put the needs of the younger children before their own. Our younger kids have to call the olders "Kuya" (big brother) or "Ate" (big sister). Is is a family structure that has been in place since our first kids were born and I love the way it plays out. Our kids do NOT hit one another. Our younger children have NEVER said to an older sibling "you're not the boss of me" or "I don't have to listen to YOU! YOU'RE not my father/mother". The olders are, in fact, the "boss of you" and you DO have to listen.
Likewise, we don't see cruelty from your olders to our youngers. It's a structure I would never have known had I not married into it and it's one more reason I'm so HAPPY to be married to my Filipino hubby!Well, that and the incredible food his culture has brought into my life (can somebody pass the pancit, please?).
(end side note)

Struggling Son walks into the room where New Son is playing an NBA video game and says "I want to play". New Son says "I'm in the middle of my game. You can play next". Struggling Son says rudely "I PAID FOR THAT GAME" and proceeds to plug in a controller and pause the game on New Son.
New Son shows great restraint in putting down his controller, saying "here, have it" and leaving the room.
Struggling Son says "sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over as he realizes he's about to get into trouble.
New Son keeps walking, goes to his room to cool off (well done!).

Struggling Son, my great saboteur and self isolator was in need of putting a chasm between himself and New Son, who has been a great friend to him.
It hurt me to see this play out. It hurt me for both boys. I went upstairs to talk to New Son first. He was very understanding. He said "I see how it is with him and I always try to help him but NOW I see why nobody wants to spend time with him."
Sad but insightful. And true. But still mostly sad.

I go into Struggling Son's room next to talk through what he did, why he feels he did it and how he can now fix it. He GREATLY over reacts and ends up telling me that he doesn't want to be close to me. He will be out of the house soon and he's fine if he and I don't have a relationship. I did NOT make this event about he and I. He did. Everything always comes back to me and him in his mind. It's the "mother part" of Reactive Attachment Disorder. I'm paying for the sins of others. I think I always will. I hope not but I think so.

Struggling Son pouts for awhile but, hey', it's "Fun Friday" and we always watch a movie as a family and have popcorn and/or ice cream. Struggling Son comes out to watch the movie but refuses the food. Apparently, he doesn't need anything from US. He sits in a bean bag chair he has slid as far from the rest of us as possible. It's a small house. He can't go far. But he's here. That's progress.

We watch "Tangled" and it ends at about 9pm - still early for a "Fun Friday" so we decide to Netflix "Mars Needs Moms". It's a little dark for kids and pretty odd but we didn't pay extra for it so I eat my havarti and crackers while we watch.
Immediately, the child in the movie gets into trouble and tells his mother he doesn't need her! He tells her he wishes he didn't have a mom! A tear slips down mom's cheek as she gently shuts his bedroom door.

I hear a sniffle that is NOT coming from the television.
Struggling Son is all teary on his bean bag.

By the end of the movie (spoiler here . . . ), the son is clinging to his mother and telling her how much he needs and loves her. He talks about how she tucks him in at night and feeds him. How she vacuums the house and bandages his cuts. How she washes his clothes and cheers at his soccer games . . . gulp. . .

Struggling Son is in the bean bag and is now wrecked. He is trying to sob silently but not all that successful in said endeavor. The occasional wet snort reverbs around the room.

The lights are all off. The room is dark.

I make eye contact with hubby and slightly shake my head. Hubby is NOT to mention what is taking place. None of us do.
We leave this muscular almost 14 year old, sporting his faux hawk, with a little dignity. We wait until he pulls himself together to turn on the light. He makes a bee line for the bathroom where the nose blowing commences.

I go to my room and wait.
I hear him trying to find me and the slightest little "tap tap" on my door.

He comes in and when he sees me, the water works begin again. Apologies. Forgiveness. It's over. Again.

And so goes it with such a tough and yet fragile child.

I do love him so very much. Sometimes the love gets caught up in the circumstances and swept way like debris in a fisherman's net. But then some connection of his ability to hurt with words will float to the surface and it looks like a buoy in the storm. He's GETTING IT! I do believe he's getting it.
And it scares him so much that he lashes out. And our whole family thinks "here we go again" and some of us wish, secretly and not so secretly, that he was just passing through. And the visit was winding down.
But that's not what our Heavenly Father called us to.
We met him in that psyche hospital. We prayed to our sovereign God to show us how far we were required to go and our loving, all-knowing, always-good Father said
"all the way".
Those are facts that can not disputed. Not then. Not now.

We have to keep on keeping on so the name of our Savior is made to count for something in this little household, among our friends, in our church, hopefully even in the blog community.

We want to make a mark.

We just want all of this to matter. For now and for eternity.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Facebook.
I'm on it. Three of my teens are on it.
Hubby's there, too. My parents, siblings, extended family members and over 900 other "friends" share words of wisdom, funny animal clips, political rhetoric, prayer requests and sometimes off-color humor with me via a little wonder called "my news feed".

I am considering deleting my account.
I don't type this as some do, expecting throngs of people to beg me stay, stating how deeply they will miss me. I am really toying with the idea of saying "goodbye" to facebook forever.

And it's not because it's so time consuming.
It used to be but back when it was so time consuming, I was not willing to let it go.
I don't use it as often as I used to. It's getting kind of boring, actually, but that's not why I'm thinking of leaving.

I'm thinking of leaving because, as the presidential election draws near, I find myself getting truly angry at many of the hateful, ill-informed posts my "friends" are sharing about the candidates I support. I'm conservative. That draws fire.
I'm 100% pro-life (yes, in cases of rape and incest. . .YES! Two wrongs don't make a right, people!). I do not think homosexual Americans should be granted the right to legally marry each other. I don't think they should be bullied, harassed, mistreated, fired from jobs or scorned either. It is a slippery slope we should avoid.
But holding conservative beliefs and reading these statuses, updates and arguments is so very frustrating. I'm not interested in getting into a public political debate on facebook. And it's NOT because I can't hold my own. Ask anyone who knows me in real life. I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I'm NOT willing to go back and forth on Facebook to the tune of 200 comments in a thread.
It is the very definition of "fruitless".
But sometimes, I love my facebook. We have been prayed for and been able to pray for others. I have literally watched families formed through adoption via the window of facebook.
I get to see my California relatives and my siblings' kids anytime I want thanks to facebook.
I get to see if my high school friends look older than I do (ha ha) and if their kids are cuter than mine (not a chance!).
But I've also been remiss in "friending" people that are not really friends. I have had to get out my high school yearbook or troll through the "mutual friends" of other people to see if I even know them before accepting their friend requests.
It's not my high level of popularity. I think it's my memory!

Of course, I'm being a little facetious here but I am probably going to delete the account and not just say "I'm leaving" and then leave the account open to see who really cares (you know, kind of like that dream of attending your own funeral to see who cries . . . oh . . .that's not something everyone dreams? Never mind).I

I wonder, bloggy buddies, have any of you deleted facebook after being a long-time user? Did you get that edgy, itchy-under-the-skin feeling that accompanies giving up caffeine (or crack)?

Did you make your children delete, too? Since you aren't there to watch their interactions?

That's definitely a sticking point for me.
Maybe I'll stay . . .nah, I'll go . . oh, heck . . .I think I'll sleep on it.

G'night!

Gotta go see if the cheerleading captain has gained weight lately!!!!!

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food,and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.
James 2:14-18 ESV

This morning, this scripture has simply laid me low.

I am not doing enough. WE, as the body of Christ, are not doing enough.
It is true that Jesus told His disciples, "the poor will always be with you" (John 12:8) and the needs will always be present this side of Heaven but I am just hurting for them this morning.

My best friend's hubby and oldest son are currently in Ethiopia having court to bring home two precious, beautiful older boys (and they could use some help, so head over to www.fromgodstummy.blogspot.com and take a look).
She posted pics of the home in which her boys currently live. I am undone.

I'm also chagrined about our agency's 2012 Share Your Summer hosting program that is scheduled to take place in June. 14 orphans from The Philippines will be arriving in Charlotte, NC to be hosted and, prayerfully, find forever families. Although there is some genuine interest and some children being pursued, I truly believed that there would be too many families for the number of children scheduled to participate. That doesn't seem to be the case.
(contact Jim at www.christianadopt.org for more info or to donate so another family can host)

I know I have a narrow scope. Only orphan care. Philippine adoption is "my thing" and it may not be everyone else's calling. I get that. It's been such a miraculous blessing for our family that I WISH everyone would jump on board but I know that God has created Believers with different callings and functions as members of the same body.

It's just hard for me to fathom the vast numbers of Believers who are probably getting up each day, going to their jobs, coming home, eating their delicious dinners, heading to church on Sunday and starting the cycle again on Monday. Can people really go for seven days and not be moved by the plight of children who would love to call them "family"? Kids who would be happy to share a bedroom, a bicycle, the last piece of pie . . . they'd just be grateful to be claimed as a "son" or "daughter".

I am plagued by this knowledge.

On mornings like this, it is too much for me.

As I type, my beautiful Ezekiel sits next to me looking through the book "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?". I feel his warmth on my left arm. He is making the sounds of the animals on each page.

The mere thought that my fear or complacency could have caused me to miss all of this brings tears to my eyes. Literally.

And there are so many out there. So many hopeful children - older children who are completely aware of their plights, their need, and can do nothing about it but worry.

I have the photos of 14 of those children. They wait. And they know.
They are all in orphanages. They have all seen families come to claim others.
I know this, too.

Hosting an orphan this summer won't change the whole world. It will change THEIR world. It will change YOUR world.

But once you've seen, you can never "unsee". When your heart is pricked for orphans, that hole does not heal. I don't think I want mine to although some days, I do. It's relentless.

It hurts and it's frustrating but there's something so freeing about living for a "bigger picture". I wouldn't go back if I could.

Pray for those 14 Philippine orphans, I BEG YOU.
Pray for them by name . . . by Ohmar,Aaron, Christian, Edmund, Sarah, Alma, Maria Fe, Kevin, Michael, Alex, John, Andrew, Verzal and Angela. Three girls and eleven boys who have no parents.

14 out of millions.

Precious in His sight.

The "New" and "Improved" Gospel

Just like our culture at large, churches have trends. I've been around long enough to have witnessed some sweeping trends in my own Christian culture.
Among them are:

1. The switch from traditional hymns to praise music (from organ and piano to a praise band)
2. The change from church buildings to multi purpose centers complete with a gym floor and folding chairs rather than pews and carpet
3. The trend away from "Sunday clothes" and toward casual wear - even jeans and flip flops - for services
4. The shying away from Sunday school in exchange for cell groups or community groups
5. The acceptance of coffee cups, bagels and doughnuts during a service (a personal favorite of mine - ha ha).


I'm not stating that these trends are bad, non-Biblical or that they are a better, more desirable environment in which to learn how to live out our faith. We Believers bring to our churches our own life experiences that shape the way we learn and worship best.
There is a trend that I see in the church today that has me both excited AND a bit worried: the focus of so many churches today is turning OUTWARD. Believers are seeing beyond their own back yards and beginning to notice and address the needs of the poor around the world. I know this was always done, to some extent, through missions work but it seems today that most churches are expending extra effort, money and time reaching the poor and working to meet their felt needs (food, clothing, shelter, clean water, medical care).
Sometimes we do this through short-term mission trips (which can be both a blessing and a curse to those we serve - more on THAT in a later post), through supporting another church in a foreign land, through adopting children, through medical missions . . . the opportunities seem endless and the number of Believers jumping on board ever increasing.
I am PROUD to call myself a Christ follower when I see my brothers and sisters extending their hands in this way. But I often question, in my heart of hearts, if we are "finishing the job" or not.
I worry that we have been duped by The Enemy into believing that meeting felt needs IS the gospel. Feeding people does NOT introduce them to Christ. It feeds them.
Adopting children does NOT create disciples, it simply makes them non-orphans.
Going to Outer Mongolia to dig wells does not draw humans into a walk with their Creator - unless we give them the gospel along WITH the need meeting.
When we meet needs without sharing the gospel, we are selfish. We are making ourselves feel good by helping those in need. We can lay down to sleep with a smile feeling happy and maybe a little smug that a family has a full belly because of US but we have gypped those we intended to help. We have robbed ourselves of the joy of TELLING others of the love of Christ while SHOWING them at the same time.
Satan would love for us to feel we have done all that is required of us when we meet felt needs and yet to keep silent about forgiveness of SIN, salvation through CHRIST, a new life in HIM and eternity in either HEAVEN or HELL.
I worry that good deeds have become the "new" and "improved" gospel and not a segue to sharing the REAL, HARD CORE, NO NONSENSE, NO ONE COMES TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH CHRIST, truth that saves.
Yes, I am of reformed theology and I firmly believe that those who Christ has pre-ordained and called WILL come to him but, don't we, as Christ followers, want to be in on that? Don't we long to SEE people submit their lives to the one who made them for relationship with Him? Don't we hope to take their hands and lead them in that beautiful prayer that someone probably prayed with us in years gone by? You are witness to a miracle when that happens. It is beauty beyond description.
Many do want that. Many individuals who serve, go on mission, adopt children and reach out to the poor do so with the ultimate goal of sharing the gospel. The only gospel. The "good news" that rich or poor, fatherless or family-rich, born in the good old USA or somewhere far and remote, Jesus longs for them to come to Him.

Let us not confuse good works with the good news.

And let us press on toward the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus, our Lord. (Phil. 3:14)

Getting To Know You . . .Getting To Know All About You . . .

Transition.
It is not a word that stirs up positive feelings and warm fuzzies.
In labor, "transition" is that excruciating time period when most women begin to say "I just can't do this anymore".

In adoption, "transition" refers to that period of time beginning the day your child comes home and ending at the point when you feel he is comfortable in his new family.

Transition in adoption can last anywhere from just a few months to upwards of a year depending on whether or not there are bonding "issues" on either side of the equation and depending on how much effort each side expends.

We have adopted children who were 3 1/2, 8, 2 and 15 years old upon arrival to our home. The two youngest were much like babies when they came home. Both were diapered. Neither could speak. They were utterly dependent on Mom and Dad for the meeting of their needs. Bonding is easy, in my opinion, when someone needs you THAT much. I got to hold and bottle feed Ezekiel for many months, looking into his eyes. Kyle was using a sippy cup but I often chose to tilt him back in my arms and rock him while he drank his pedia sure. I hoped, in both cases, I was emulating nursing - lots of eye contact, singing softly, cuddling them to sleep. It was blissful and the bonding happened spontaneously. Of course there were hard moments and bumpy times - sleepless nights, inexplicable crying (me AND them - ha ha) but those early days with my tiny ones were mostly happy and characterized by joy.

Here are a few VERY early pics of Kyle . . .

And Ezekiel . . .

When the child joining your family is much older, transition takes a bit of a different turn. For us, it was marked by some awkwardness, a few misunderstandings, a lot of time feeling like we have a house guest and plenty of "on your best behavior" for everyone involved. Time and familiarity helped bring the walls down but some strategies that I found EXTREMELY helpful in getting to know our newest family member (15 years old upon arrival home) may prove useful to someone out there in "cyberland" who is preparing to bring an older child home.

1. spend plenty of time doing intentional FUN activities. Francis and I play a game of scrabble or uno almost every night after the three youngest are in bed. We love to go to mini-golf as a family, out to movies or just sit outside in lawn chairs on nice nights while the kids toss the football or jump on the trampoline.

2. Involve your new child in HELPING right away. People feel more like family and less like company when they are contributing. We didn't want out new son to get the impression that we brought him here to "work" (ha ha) but we also wanted him to take ownership in the family and home. We started by asking him to help with cooking (he likes to cook) or taking out trash. He and I had a lot of fun the day he learned to sort laundry and use the washing machine! Many steps involved but I only had to show him ONCE and he mastered it!!

3. Because we homeschool, we have the added benefit of LOTS of extra time together. Part of our new son's daily work includes keeping a journal. He writes on topics like "My Most Amazing Day" or "My Biggest Regret". He chooses from a long list of prompts. I have gotten to know him so much better through his journal and I always take the time to write a little comment after his entry.

4. GIVE THEM SPACE. I found out (the hard way) that older adoptees sometimes need a little extra time to be alone with their thoughts. In the earliest days of our new son's arrival, I was so very worried about him grieving his "old life" that I know I badgered him with questions that he was not ready to answer yet. He is such a positive, happy person on a regular basis so recognizing those times of sadness and introspection was easy. During those times, I offer to listen or take a walk with him if needed but am careful not to be offended if the answer is "no, thanks". Sometimes it is.

5. Riding in the car alone (this works with all my teens, adopted or not) brings out a LOT of unexpected information. While we both concentrate on the road, it seems to take the pressure off the "where do I look?" "what do I do with my hands/eyes", "is she going to try and get all mushy and hug me" issues. My kids open up often while we are en route.

6. Indirect conversation has helped us to get to know our new teen. We will often talk about other people/children/situations and it seems a safe way to share how WE really feel about a given topic. While discussing a story we watched together on the nightly news, we are actually getting a good feel for how the other person perceives a situation.

7. Gage their comfort level with physical affection.
This was a HARD one for me. I am a very "huggy" person with my kids. I kiss them as much as I can. I love to rub their backs, hold their hands and snuggle with them - big and small. Some children are not used to physical affection. Others truly crave it but won't initiate. Still others will hang on you like an octopus if you are within arms' reach. As much as I wanted to wrap my new 15 year old in a blanket and rock him like a baby when he first came home (ha ha), I resisted.
I found that he was fine with being hugged and would often sit practically on my lap on the couch even though other seating was available. He would ask for help with his hair or some other task that involved closeness and so I interpreted that as a "green light". It was.
Just use your best judgement and observe the cues. Don't be pushy with the hugs but don't be stingy either. You may have to step outside of your comfort zone and take the RISK of having your efforts rebuffed. You never know until you try.

8. SEIZE THE MOMENT. If your new child gets sick, gets hurt during play or seeks you out while upset, make every effort to nurture. Go that extra mile in "babying" them so there is no question in their minds that you are the one they can always turn to. Open arms and open hearts are rarely empty.

I hope the list above doesn't feel overwhelming to any of you, dear readers. These are simple strategies that have helped us assimilate our newest blessing into the crew. The temperament of your child, the tenure of the home, the amount of English your new kiddo can understand and many other factors will effect how YOU integrate someone into your own family.

The most important strategy of all is also the simplest: pray daily for wisdom.
The Bible is clear that God longs to give wisdom to all who ask. Just ask.

Flowers on the Trail

So much of this blog is dedicated to adoption issues.

This is a venue that allows our family to share the ups and downs of the calling with those who have experienced it or are hoping to.

But our adopted children are not the only "stars" of this show.

God has done marvelous works by bringing children from half a world away and making them ours HOWEVER . . .
He paved the way for these children coming to our home by first blessing us with two biological children who are wonders in their own rites.

To my "first-born babies" . . . you made us love parenting. You showed us the rewards are always worth the hard work.
You revealed to us that loving someone MORE than yourself is an unstoppable reaction.
You are beautiful people. Show stoppers.

When Dad and I talk about the adults you are growing into, we are giddy with pride. Watching Jesus shape your character and use your natural gifts and talents has been a great privilege.

Thank you for loving Jesus, sharing your family so willingly and making Daddy and I feel like far more successful parents than we really are.

We are blessed to call you "son" and "daughter".