This Side of the Water

Things are moving . . . really moving in terms of our relocation to The Philippines.

All home repairs have been accomplished and the house is on the market. Tomorrow, we will be listed on the MLS.  Oh, how I have waited for this day!
My cute little cottage on the beautiful piece of land that I waited years for will belong to someone
else and I am just fine with that.  My prayer is that the new family enjoys this home and fills it with love and memories.  I pray that the spirit of God is present here in the new owners and that they will take good care of my precious neighbor-friends we will leave behind.
But, dang, I have loved this house . . .  I brought home my three newest children to this home.
I prayed many prayers here and cried buckets of tears, both happy and sad. God healed one of my children from tremendous emotional scars within these walls.   We hosted countless friends and loved ones in these rooms and opened God's word with brothers and sisters at the table inside.
Lord, let the new owners, whoever they are, appreciate the beautiful things about this
cozy house . . .

We have given our one-and-only public schooled son his final date to be a student at his beloved school.  April 15th, his birthday, will be his last day there.  It is the day his group "tracks out" for a month and so we find it a practical, logical time for him to close that chapter in his life.
He is lamenting saying good-bye to some of the great friends he has made and I am
not-so-secretly looking forward to having him all to myself again. I have to admit, I sure do miss
that kid when he's gone so many hours each day.

Do missionaries let their children play with guns?  I'll have to check on that.

And it brings to mind some other questions bouncing around in this frenetic brain of mine.
Like, do missionaries have Pearl Jam and Indigo Girls on their ipods?
Do they have teens with tattoos and piercings?
Do they have children with special needs who divide their hearts and make them afraid they are taking too big a leap?
Do they drink wine with their dinner?  Do they dance to non-Christian music? 

Is there a dress, behavior and conduct code we don't understand that immediately disqualifies us from being taken seriously by our peers on the mission field?

I guess we'll find out.   And I don't really think so.

I've been blessed to spend time with other missionaries from The Philippines and found them to come in all shapes, sizes, ideologies and practices. Pentecostal, conservative, liberal, reformed, dresses-only, blues-guitar-playing, no-mixed-swimming, King-James-only-reading, still-deciding-on-some-stuff people who are working out their own salvations with fear and trembling.

Loving Jesus. Serving the poor and agreeing to disagree on some of the finer points.
I've been "sharpened" by them.

And that comforts me.
Because it's so important that we can carry the gospel message far away and keep being "us".
As long as the "us" we are is not in opposition to the CLEARLY WRITTEN mandates in scripture then I think we are on the right track.

The selling has started.
Oldest-son sold his piano  and only-daughter her drum kit and bass guitar.
They will re-purchase the instruments they miss when we arrive abroad and I am gunning for oldest son to replace that keyboard as soon as possible.  I miss hearing him play in the late evenings while I clean up the dinner dishes.
Only-daughter taught herself to play the ukulele yesterday and oldest-son is proficient on the melodica so, we still have plenty of music filling our home but there's nothing like a beautiful piano ballad to get me through that last scrubbing of the worst pot!

Hubby has dissolved his photography business and sold off a good bit of his equipment.

This is all so real and yet, it feels we have a ways to go.

Sometimes I dream we are already there in the heat and busyness of Manila.  I wake up a little disappointed and a tiny bit relieved that it was just a dream.  Because I know there will be some very hard parts.  And we have so much to learn!

Lord, teach us to lose!


 Matthew 16:24-27

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.

The "Salty" Ones

The family living next door to us
 A friend recovering from a major surgery
 A fellow homeschool mom
An adoptive Mama with whom I've shared many heart to heart conversations about the trials and joys of older child adoption
A woman I've never met who lives in California
A couple of blog readers who don't know my last name
An adoption agency professional who is probably busier than I have ever been
A man who quit a lucrative job to serve the poor in a country in which he was not born
A pretty young, single woman who has dedicated her life to serving young men with difficult pasts
Some members of my own extended family

These are people I call "The Salty Ones" . . .

And for good reason.

On Friday morning as I sat in the waiting room of the oral surgeon's office waiting for my son, Lem, to have his wisdom teeth removed, a troubling message popped up on my ipad:
                              "Hi,need an urgent prayer request:Ariel is in a
                               hospital right now for a possible operation immediately
                               for a bone fracture . . . bone pierced the skin . . . lot of blood"

You get the idea.  If you've been a friend in real life or a bloggy friend, you might remember who
Ariel is to us.  He is the biological brother of our son Lem.  He was not adopted as a child and remains in the capable, loving hands of Believers who run an after care program for street boys.
But since he was fifteen years old and I first learned about him, he has been a "child of my heart".
I have spent much time and energy devising a way to bring him into our home when no legal path seemed to exist.  I have blogged about him often,  in posts like this: http://bringinghomezeke.blogspot.com/2012/12/i-have-wanted-so-badly-to-share-all.html
and many others.

As days went by and Ariel's injury showed itself to be more complicated than a simple "set and cast" break, the expenses for his care began to mount.

Some of you may not know that, in The Philippines, if you don't have the cash money to pay for your medical care, you don't get medical care.  I am not willing to cast aspersions on the way things work over there. It is clearly a necessity that every person needing care not be treated for free or hospitals would go broke. As in every country, the poor suffer greatly when illness and injury show their ugly faces.


And here is where "The Salty Ones" came in . . .

I posted a plea on Facebook for anyone willing to help pay for this surgery and hospital stay.
And THOSE people . . . the ones in the list I wrote to open this post, they gave and gave and gave.
They gave despite their own bills and commitments.
They gave to a young man they have never met.
They gave generously and quickly (within an hour of my facebook post)
and some even checked back to see if more help was needed.
They gave because of all that Jesus gave to them.

They gave because they are salt and light . . .

And don't think for one moment that the kind of radical, selfless, trusting giving that happened last night happened JUST for Ariel's care.
It happened for that, yes, and for a bigger purpose as well.
It happened because many who have not yet come to Jesus are watching and listening.
They are seeing this unusual behavior . . . they are taking note that in a skeptical world where each person has to guard his pennies and check out every "worthy cause" to make sure it isn't a scam, sons and daughters of The Savior of the World just gave open handedly to a handsome stranger who had a need.

And that, my friends, speaks VOLUMES to the lost.  In this tough economy. In this cynical time.

That is how "salty ones" are set apart and make HIS name great.


"YOU are the salt of Earth . . . . YOU are the light of the world. A city on a hill that can
not be hidden . . .in the same way, let your light shine before others that they may see your good works and glorify your father in Heaven."  Matthew 5:13-16

And THIS is how the body of Christ is to love :
" . . . not just with words or speech but with ACTIONS and in truth."

So there, you have it.
Faithful God using a difficult situation to call his children "out of the saltshaker" and make his presence known. 

And that is why being "salty"  is a great honor.  And a humbling privilege.


Thank You.

The Beauty of Three

It is a day for celebration in our busy household!

Today marks three years since our amazing, beautiful wonder-baby, Ezekiel, joined our family and brought us the kind of light and joy that came unexpected and welcome . . .

"Gotcha Day" . . . March 8th, 2010

But his story started long before he made his way down the jetway and into my arms.

Long before . . .

Ezekiel's birth mother had no idea the baby she carried was a child with Down Syndrome. After his birth, she was still unaware. It was not until Ezekiel was two months old and birthmom took him to a clinic for a check up that a doctor shared the news that devastated her and thrust my precious baby into orphanhood.   She was told he had not only Down Syndrome but a heart defect.  For a single mother with another child,  and an ill-paying job, she  knew that a diagnosis like this would be expensive and she could not provide.  So she did an extraordinarily unselfish deed.
She took him to an orphanage nearby in hopes that the people there could afford to fix his heart and find him a family.
But they said "no".
They, too, realized that a child with Down Syndrome is expensive to care for.
And hard to place.
So she journeyed on to try another orphanage and came to Gentle Hands.
She met a woman named Charity, the director. A woman who knows the value of EVERY LIFE . . .
And she said "yes".

This is one of the last photos of birthmom holding Ezekiel on Surrender Day.

This was taken at the orphanage. 

Ezekiel was lovingly cared for and given medications and check-ups at GH. He was mothered by
a woman named Thelma who gave him her heart, knowing it was just a loan . . .

Ezekiel and Thelma 

 Ezekiel grew and thrived at Gentle Hands for more than two years!

He was their first child with Down Syndrome, but would not be their last.  I have a feeling they
learned from Ezekiel the same thing we learned.  Children with Down Syndrome are set apart. They bring unspeakable joy and an adjusting of perspective to all who are lucky enough to know them.

Ezekiel and Charity . . . the one who said "yes" . . .

And this is the very picture we saw  that made our hearts leap for joy because we knew THIS was one of OUR children!  So with the help of many, especially the group started by a precious lady called "Friends of Ezekiel", the concerted effort to bring him home to us met with success!

This is the family that God chose to bless with Ezekiel. 

The brothers who protect him. . .

The people who cherish him . . .

The mother who would do anything for him . . .

The Kuya who adores him . . .

The Ate who takes such good care of him . . .

And the father who let faith triumph over fear to bring home a son who would always be with us . . . 

I can say with complete confidence that in the three years since Ezekiel has been ours, there has not been one regret!  He fits into this family like he has always been here. I have often wondered if God miraculously changed his DNA to mine and his father's.  But I would never want that.
I wouldn't  change one thing about this boy's journey to our family.
Every life he touched needed touching.
Every heart he held needed holding.
Every sacrifice made for him needed making.

It is my heartfelt prayer at this three-years-home celebration that even one mother who has received a Down Syndrome diagnosis for her baby might stumble upon my blog.  She might consider the cost and know the JOY and choose LIFE . . .

Maybe she is afraid that this life will be burdensome.  Possibly someone in a white coat has talked of the heart defects, low intellect and lifetime dependence and she feels trapped.  I won't lie to her and tell her it is exactly the same as parenting a typically-developing child.  There are differences.
But they are not burdens.
They are privileges.

Happy three-years home to my little grace gift . . .

Made in the image of a Holy God . . .

Today

Haunted

I am haunted by a child.
He was mine and now he is not.
I need to find him.

And here is the story . . .

Back in 2002, my husband and I had two precious children, ages 6 and 8.  We felt very stable in our lives and ready to explore adding to our family.

I found out that a place called Falcon Children's Home had a "visiting resource" program and I called them to investigate.  As a visiting resource, my husband and I submitted to background checks, filled out an application and then were given the privilege of meeting the children at Falcon to decide who we would like to host for weekends and holidays.

We went to the home on a warm summer day in 2002.  I asked the house mother which children were still in need of a visiting resource.
The girls were all claimed.
The white kids were mostly claimed.
The boys were chosen last.
The African American boys were chosen absolutely, positively last.

And then I saw Jaquan.  He was a tiny, thin boy with a beautiful smile and in desperate need of some lotion.  I asked if he had a resource family, already knowing the answer.

He sat next to us on a wooden bench and shyly answered our questions.  I asked if he would like to visit our house sometime and play with our children.  He nodded almost imperceptibly.

But that's all it took. . .

The following weekend we picked him up and within moments of arriving home, he was on the trampoline with my two children wrestling and yelling.
He was obedient and precious and charming.
By the second weekend, I was clipping his toenails and learning how to do something with his hair and kissing him as much as he would let me. 

And then it happened.  When we took him back to Falcon after his second visit, he called us on the phone within an hour.  He was crying . . .
                         "I want to stay with y'all"

My heart physically hurt.   Because I wanted that, too.  So much.

We brought him to our home for every holiday and weekend we could for the next seven months. We took him on a trip to Virginia Beach with us. We took him camping and let him chop things up with a hatchet.

And then his social worker called.   The state was willing to split this child up from his twelve-year-old brother if we wanted to adopt him. His brother had been in trouble. I saw no problem with splitting up these final two siblings who were part of an even larger group of siblings.

But my husband did.   So we had to say "no".

Within two weeks, the social worker called to let us know a family in Charlotte NC was interested in both boys.  They were an African-American family.  They had older children. They were better for these brothers.  The boys could stay together. What right did this white lady have to split up siblings and take a child from his "culture"?  

So I called Falcon to bring Jaquan to us one more time.
I asked him if he knew about anything exciting that was going to happen to him and he replied,
                      "I have to get adopted"  with a sad face. 
 I made him a life book of all the fun things we had done together as a family.  I wrote "I love you" on every page.  I put our phone number and address inside just in case . . . 

And now, he is 18 years old.  I have waited all these years to reach out to somebody else's son.
                                            Because he changed our lives.

My hope and prayer is that he has had a wonderful life.
I have found his birthmother's obituary online.
Mugshots of two of his siblings.
But no obituary and no mug shots for this precious boy.

I just want him to know that he taught me that being a mother has nothing much to do with bloodlines or race or geographic location.

I'd like to tell him that he showed me that foster care was not the place for us.  We are not good
"giver backers".

I hope he knows he has been prayed for regularly for ten years and that I have wondered a million times if we should have kept him and let big brother (one of the mug shots) go.

Finally, I pray he was not hurt in any way by the short-term, non-permanent, time in our home. It must have been confusing for such a young boy.

He was a brother, a son, a beloved treasure . . . for not nearly long enough.

I pray this blog post finds it's way to someone who knows someone who knows someone . . .
who will tell him. 

The Ugly Love

There is an ugly side to adoption.    A side many hesitate to mention.  An aspect of "growing your family" that those of us who have done it only share with those we know are SOLD . . . so as not to discourage those who are "considering" . . . 


It is the ugly side of love.   It's the part of loving a child from a hard place that comes in the same package as the beautiful smile and the million-dollar hugs.  

And it is spelled S-A-C-R-I-F-I-C-E...  


I see it lived out on the blogs of my adoptive-Mama cyber friends.  They go to dirty, dark places and embrace children who smell bad, who have rotten teeth and who are afraid of them. Children who are rejecting the unknown, unaware of the fact that it is what they have been waiting for their whole lives.

I see it in one of my "hero Mamas" who has adopted such damaged children . . . and lost some. 
To suicide.
To mental institutions.
To disease.     But she would not go back and unknow those children if she could.  Because they experienced the joy of being found, even if for a short time. 

And I think about the beautiful little girl who is a lot older than she looks, who died yesterday in an Eastern European mental institution because she has . . . .

Down Syndrome.    And part of me wants to point at everyone I know and scream "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE HER??? OR YOU?  OR YOU?" 

Or me?

If only we had known she was dying, we would have moved mountains to claim her, right?

And my mind goes to those children my family met on the most recent trip for The Bartimeaus Project . . .

And it wonders. . .
Are they loved?  Treasured? Do they know that they were made in the image of God and that serving them feels like standing on Holy Ground?

Too old for adoption.
Too disabled to have been chosen.
Not "productive" members of society.

Just beautiful humanity created for a different purpose . . . that's all.

And as my husband evaluated this little one, an orphan until somebody says differently, did she realize that she matters so much to us.  That I can't stop thinking about her?  That I pray that she is a favorite of her caregivers and that somebody is rocking her? Singing to her? Putting a bow in her hair and letting her feel kisses all over her face? 

It is the ugly side of love.   The knowledge that we can not save every child. The understanding that we will SEE and yet be helpless to ACT some of the time.  This is what plagues me and robs my sleep.   This is what has me asking "why not her?"  and "why not him?" and "why not all of them?".
But already knowing the answer . . .

What is the difference between that sweet girl in her crib in Eastern Europe and my own adopted treasures?

The difference is SACRIFICE.  We saw. We claimed. We worked. We went.  He meant the world to us from the day we saw his photo.  We noticed and we acted.  Not because we are so marvelous but because Our Father is!
And when that boy jumped up on my bed today, full of pride that he had put on his own pants (albeit backwards) the logical reaction was to grab the camera, take a photo and treasure that little gain.

Every child deserves to have his achievements celebrated . . . EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

But not every child will, because the cost is so high.
We are afraid to commit.
We are afraid to pay.
We are afraid to travel.
We are afraid to risk the status quo in our nests.

The PEOPLE of God so often don't trust the promises of God enough to walk in their callings.

Is God calling YOU to risk ugly love?  To sacrifice? To  adore a child who will not know what to do with that adoration for a long time?  To be rejected? Pushed away? Spit upon?  Is He asking you to
put yourself away and do the hard things? 

He would never ask you to go somewhere He hasn't been Himself.
He committed.
He paid.
He traveled.
He risked.

Because love is sacrifice.


"Greater love hath no man than this: that he lay down his life for his friends."
                                                                                    John 15:13









         

Look What You've Done!

Just a short time ago, the director of The Bartimaeus Project and his wife were in The Philippines.

They were able to check up on a few of the children being served by The Bartimaeus Project and I'd like to give you a little glimpse into just how those sweet babies are doing today!

I'm sure you'll remember our friend "F" who was being evaluated for extropia and suspected congenital glaucoma . . .

Here is "F" on Evaluation Day back in December 2012 when he was being evaluated for services through The Bartimaeus Project

And although I haven't figured out just how to rotate this brand new photo of "F", you can clearly see the improvement in his condition after just a few weeks of a patching regimen and, so far, no surgery!  The Project will keep watch on this little one with regular check ups and make sure his care home has all the resources they need to sustain this progress.

And there's no doubt that our readers remember little "Ella". The outpouring of questions about her (and offers to adopt her) have astounded us!  She is deaf and in need of hearing aids. We shared her need and within a VERY short time, God pricked the hearts of several women to ban together and provide . . . 

......HEARING AIDS!!!!!!! She is holding the box in her hands that went from a sweet friend in North Carolina to me (at a mom's night out in a restaurant) to Pennsylvania, into a suitcase headed to Manila and into her precious little hands! How's that for God using the "natural" to do amazing works??? This child's life has been changed - the complete trajectory moved- by these simple acts of obedience on the part of some Mamas who love Him and love children! Something tells me this little one won't be an orphan for much longer!!!

Here is an updated shot of our sweet girlie with the cysts/tumors on her eyes.  Even with Reece's Peanut Butter Cup on her face, she is beyond adorable!  She is in the process of receiving a second opinion on whether surgery is the best option for her condition.  She is receiving great care in her care home, medications and, most importantly being shown the love of Jesus by a very dedicated staff.   We look forward to tracking her progress on her journey toward restored vision and know that God has BIG plans for this little one!

Our family longs to make the leap to living among these children and the many many like them, who need someone to shine a spotlight on their darkening vision!

Thank you to all of our donors and sponsors for making this follow-up trip possible. . . for helping us put hearing aids in the hands of that beauty and patches on the eyes of that handsome young man. . . for allowing us to see, face to face, the little chocolate-covered miracle who we will do all we can to assist!    Without your giving, we simply can't go.

If you are considering investing in the lives of these precious ones, and others like them who wait, please make a tax-deductible gift to The Bartimaeus Project ( HERE ) and equip us to serve more children. 

And if you are willing to dedicate a few minutes to praying for The Bartimaeus Project, here are some specific ways we would love for you to pray:
1. That our grant applications are met with favor . . . quickly!
2. That God leads us to the children who need us the most and gives us wisdom and strength to
    meet their needs while sharing the good news of Jesus Christ
3. For doors to open with doctors in The Philippines who are skilled in pediatric visual issues
4. For our family's relocation to The Philippines to be in His timing
5. For God to send workers to join us on short-term mission trips and help us carry the load

Thank you! For giving. For praying. For sharing. For caring about children you are not obligated to care for.  

For HIS Great Fame,
Nikki

Moving to Move

Today we received a rare Saturday gift from above . . . .
a snow day!!!

I realize to those of you living in the Northeast, Northwest and other places arctic, this amount of snow is nothing more than a small annoyance but to us, here in the South, it's a HUGE event! Sports  are canceled!  Some stores don't open! Plans change and people of all ages rush to the grocery store to buy up  the bread and milk for fear they may be stranded for TWO WHOLE DAYS!

So we stayed home.

But with the Big Move to The Philippines looming, we could not afford to snuggle and drink hot chocolate.  We had to get some work done on this beloved home so we can put her on the market.

Dad and Lem sand and paint the banister 

Aaron paints closet doors

Francis sands and paints closet trim

Ky keeps our busy little Ezekiel occupied and away from the paint, tools, and other dangers while we work

Elliana hides out with her computer so as not to attract attention and be given a task . . . ha ha . . .

And there's nothing like a mess of a house filled with tarps, brushes, drills and boxes to light a fire in my heart for the change that is on the horizon. Kind of how the smell of jet fuel at the airport makes me long to go somewhere, anywhere, even if I'm just there to pick up a friend.

It's all so very real to me today.  And I'm filled with the kind of anticipation I feel before we meet one of our children for the first time.  His peace is present on what should be an absolutely daunting and terrifying dimly-lit path.

My heart says "bring it on" and my brain says "you have no idea what you're getting into".

And they are both right  but my spirit says "trust Him who has already done immeasurably more than all you have asked or imagined". . . and I say "yes".

Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world? The project sending us is not fully funded. I hate to fly. We are living out our last weeks in this country without a church family. My husband has no paying job right now.
There are still a million and one tasks before us and we have just signed a lease on our home in The Philippines.   Shouldn't I be afraid?    Worrying?  Stressing out?  Looking with natural eyes and declaring it can not be done? That it's too much work?

To each one of those "negatives" listed above, my Father has already answered and provided!
He is working, even now, on every angle and He who has called is faithful.

Always has been.

Always will be.

And His beautiful word rings truth to my heart and wraps me in the knowledge that what might look disjointed, ill-timed or chaotic to the casual observer is the fulfillment of His plan and purpose in ways that we did not expect.


"His sovereignty rules over all" Psalm 103:19

Words to live by.   Words to move by . . . 

Last Call For Families!!!!!!!

Share Your Summer 2013 is Christan Adoption Service's Philippine host program.

This program has set out to help beautiful older children from The Philippines find their families.

There are still a few boys in need of a family to commit to hosting them and, the deadline is
TOMORROW at 5pm!   You don't have to pay all the hosting fees by tomorrow but you do need
to select the child you feel led to host (with the goal of adoption in mind) and let Jim or Jenica at the agency know your intent.


Here's a little about the six boys who need YOU:


John is a 12 year old young man who has been hosted once before.  Through NO FAULT OF HIS OWN, the host family was unable to adopt him but the host mother is more than willing to talk to any interested parties.  He was a wonderful addition to their home and she hoped it would be forever.
John likes basketball and gardening.  He acts as a big brother to the younger children in his orphanage.

Daniel is 12 and oh-so-handsome! He enjoys all types of dance and he comes from a children's home that is truly Christ-centered.  I have a friend who recently visited Daniel at his children's home and has only wonderful things to say about him!

Raydelle is extremely cute and looks a bit younger than his 13 years.  He is very coordinated and likes to play all kinds of games.  He enjoys church activities and going to camp.  His bright smile fills the picture I have of him!  He is such a cute boy!

Sonny is fourteen and, no bias intended but he is my personal favorite!  If our family was not moving, we would be looking to adopt this young man.  There is something so endearing about this boy and his life story is very painful to read.  Despite a difficult early life, Sonny has become a young man with many gifts. He plays drums and guitar. He likes to cook and he is described as "shy" and "quite" by his caregivers.  Of course, he is so very handsome and in his picture, you can tell he really is shy.

Jerome is 14 and plays drums in his church band.  He relates well to the other children in his center
and his favorite food is spaghetti.  He is described as "polite" by those who know him.  He looks like one of the "hidden jewels" God has given to us . . . it's hard to know such a great kid still waits and comes dangerously close to that 16-year mark where adoption is no longer an option for him.

13 year old Jason is an accomplished artist (drawing) and also likes to sing, dance and play basketball.  He especially enjoys singing at church. Jason is respectful to his caregivers and really enjoys science.  Forgive the "broken record" editorial here but Jason is a very VERY handsome young man.

Hosting is expensive . . .(about $3,500 per child) and inconvenient (it takes up about a month of your summer) but for these young men who wait, it is a lifeline to a brighter future!  These boys don't need to come to the US to get a glimpse of "the good life".  Many of them have relatively good lives in their care homes.  The children in Philippine orphanages, more often than not, receive good care.
They are fed, clothed, educated and often attend church regularly. There tends to be a low staff-to-child ratio and a low turn-over among staff.  The circumstances that bring the children into care  are most often poverty related, death or incarceration of parents and inability of extended family to provide for the children.  But every story is different.  The information provided to interested families is thorough and, in our experience with four different adoptions from four different orphanages, accurate.

Adopting from The Philippines is a straightforward process with no bribes or hidden "fees" like a family may experience in some countries.  English is widely spoken in and around Manila and travel in country can be as little as five days (although I recommend staying longer. There is SO much to see, do and EAT in that wonderful place that you won't want to leave too quickly).

If you feel God pricking your heart for one of these precious boys, DO NOT WAIT!!
Contact Christian Adoption Services immediately! The deadline is just one day away!

It won't be easy but I can promise you one thing . . . it WILL be worth it!
www.christianadopt.org

                                                 The first meeting between me and our newest son, adopted at age 15

Little Sadnesses, Bigger Joys

I'm have so many conflicting thoughts I want to organize into a cogent post. This may not be the one . . . .

I think of a hundred amazing observations I can't wait to share on my blog - when I'm behind the wheel of my car or sitting in the dentist's chair with a sucky straw hanging from the corner of my mouth,  or up to my elbows in ground beef making dinner for this hungry herd.

Oh, yes, the things I want to share with all of you . . .


There are small things like:
I grew up believing that slim jims were encased in sheep intestine and only recently found out they aren't. They are edible collagen casings.
OR
When tracking our progress on the C25K app, my friend and I discovered we cover just about as much ground walking as we do running.  We are either painfully slow runners or lightening-fast walkers. I prefer the latter.

There are big thing like:
We are just a couple of months away from full-time mission service in The Philippines and my heart is ready but my house is not.  Deciding what to keep, store, sell and give away is not a simple task.
OR
We are heartbroken over recently having to leave a church we have loved for years. But we had to in order to be true to our convictions and to send a strong message to our children.  And I feel like the sadness just sticks around like an heirloom necklace - too valuable to put in some box but too ugly to wear...

I feel blessed and lucky but also overwhelmed and inadequate.
 Aren't we all those things much of the time?  

So with all the jumbled-up, frenetic, impossible-to-ignoredness, I go to where I am grounded and sure.  The Word.

And I see comforts like:
"Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you". Hebrews 13:5
OR
"The blessing of the Lord makes one rich and He adds no sorrow with it." Proverbs 10:22
OR
"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16


So I am struck by the notion that all the things I want to share don't amount to much unless they exhort, encourage and point to the Lover of My Soul.

And the sadness and heartache over the temporary are inevitable but shrink to smallness when held up next to the everlasting Word.   I can not fathom walking life's road without knowing My Savior. How do people cope? Where do they turn for steadfast guidance? Comfort? Help in times of trouble?

To Oprah? Dr. Phil? A therapist? A friend equally lost?  A bottle? Workaholism?

So, this little stream of consciousness might read a bit flighty because that's how I'm feeling as of late.  But it all comes full circle to the one who holds me close in times of clarity and times of confusion - and teaches me that the "big picture" is not something I always have to understand up front.  

And I'm happy to rest in Him and not "advise" Him as I am so prone to do.

He is doing fine without my advice and I am learning to be led.

Through little sadnesses . . . and bigger joys . . .

Mercy is Spoken Here

Let me get one thing straight.

I NEVER intended for this blog to become a "RAD blog".   I had no plans to be the author of one of the most widely-circulated
adoption disruption stories on the internet.  www.bringinghomezeke.blogspot.com/2011/02/adoption-disruption-down-and-dirty.html


This is NOT the type of notoriety an adoptive mother longs for when bringing a beautiful new child into her family.


I simply shared my son's agonizing story and it resonated with more than 50,000 readers.  I poured out my heart in that post for catharsis but primarily because I had turned over every stone online and in the professional world of adoption-focused literature looking for help in the painful choice of whether or not to disrupt this child's entire world for a for a fourth time and all I found was ridicule and
criticism.

I read articles regarding disruption and the comments under the articles scared the confidence right out of me.
". . . treating a child like a pet . . . "
" . . . what if he were biological? You can't give him back them . . . "
" . . . should never have been allowed to adopt in the first place . . . "
" . . . should have ALL her children taken away . . . "
" . . . should be put in prison for abandonment . . . "

And I knew some of YOU must have been in that same desperate place hoping to find some kinship after that Reactive Attachment Disorder diagnosis darkened your world.

No warm, safe place existed for a family struggling with whether or not to disrupt a failing adoption.  No listening ears and sympathetic hearts were available to the mother who simply could not spend one more night sleeping with all her children in her master bedroom except THAT ONE and the door locked for fear that he might come in and harm them.   No gentle encouragement for the couple who's marriage is in tatters because THAT CHILD has triangulated them in the worst way possible and they blame one another all the way to court while the child sits, satisfied, on the sidelines and enjoys the show.  And he is not to blame. He is broken from the inside.

I wanted to be that place.  And after I hit "publish" on that article in February of 2011, I had no idea how my world would change.

You came, meekly at first, asking me if it was okay to email privately about your children.  You broke my heart and drove me to my knees before God with your stories.  I prayed for you.  I wept for you and I wept for your broken children.  You trusted me, a virtual stranger, with sacred parts of your hearts because there was not one other place in your life where it was okay to talk about how you really felt about that child you adopted.   Your in-laws had already said "I told you so" one too many times. Your church friends told you over and over how "lucky" you are and how "cute" he is and you wanted to shout "I CAN'T STAND HIM" and run from the building. . . I get that.

And I want to say "thank you" . . . to every Mama who wrote me a private note and thanked me for the risk of my post.  THANK YOU to every person too afraid to sign an email in which you bore your soul and asked for help.  Jesus knows every intimate detail, Anonymous Mom. . . He cares and He loves your family, even when it doesn't feel like it.
 I took a gamble that talking about "the 'D' word might just fill a niche left open by everyone too afraid to mention it.
"You've never thought of disrupting your adoption? Yeah, me neither  . . .just thought I'd ask . . .crazy question . . . I must be tired"


And if you followed my precious son's story, you already know that our gracious, good, kind Heavenly Father brought healing after six years of brokenness and acting out by our boy.   I would love to promise you that if you can just hang in there for six years, your child will receive healing, too.

But it doesn't work that way.  Some children are healed and some stay broken. In THIS life.

For those of you reading this who have seen great improvement in your children, I am BLESSED to hear those stories, too.
Remember to show mercy to those Mamas who are still in the throes . . .

For those who are still trudging along the painful path of RAD,  waking up in the morning wishing it was bed time already, you have my ear, my heart and my deep gratitude.  You are still walking, even if you feel dragged, you're doing it . . .

For those who have chosen to disrupt and are living with the pain of wondering if that child hates you, remembers you, understands that you did your best . . .for YOU I pray the most often.   The Enemy loves to accuse you, doesn't he?
But our son CAME to us from a Mama just like YOU . . . from a family that wanted so much to help him but became paralyzed by his gigantic needs.   A family that wanted to make the world a better place and give an orphan a home but got swallowed by his pain and anger and needed an escape hatch.  I have to believe someone, somewhere wants to thank you for giving them their miracle.

I thank both of my son's disrupted families here and now.   I know you read this.  Thank you "M" and "E" and  your families.
I pray you have no guilt about the life of this boy.
He is one of my my treasures!
He was worth those six years . . . and then some.
It took a long time to be able to say that with such certainty but I say it now.
He is a prize.   He belongs here, with us. He is ONE OF US.  He is mine . . .
He just took the long road...

Great Faithfulness

I have been singing a song off on and for the last few days . . . "Great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness, morning by morning new mercies I see. . . all I have needed THY hand hath provided . . . "
And I love contemporary Christian music.  I choose it over hymns on a daily basis but when I see God doing big, God-sized things, it's those old hymns I learned as a child that come bubbling out.

And here is why I am praising . . .


This is the ear of a profoundly hard-of-hearing child in The Philippines. Notice how it does not have a hearing aid inside?

 THIS is the beautiful child who is attached to  the ears that do not have  hearing aids inside but should.  She is standing with my husband on Evaluation Day when he was meeting visually impaired children for The Bartimaeus Project. But her caring staff had hopes that we might help a deaf child, too.

 THESE are the hearing aids donated and paid for by my precious friend and fellow adoptive mom, Martha, her friend Lillian and donors who read about sweet "Ella" and felt moved to help!!!!!! These are also the batteries, cleaning supplies and other needed items to make sure beautiful "Ella" will be able to hear for a long time to come.   GREAT IS HIS FAITHFULNESS!!!!!
This is THOUSANDS of dollars' worth of equipment that came together in the span of 48 hours. Because God's people care and they want to help, if they can just see the need! 

 And this is the little boy that stole my family's heart as we learned he possibly had congenital glaucoma, a seizure disorder and little hope of developing anything close to normal communication.  He is sweet and shy and cooperative with a tentative demeanor.

This is also the very boy that The Bartimaeus Project sent to a pediatric eye doctor with a tinge of sadness only to discover this sweet angel just needs a patching regimen, no surgery and does NOT have glaucoma after all!!! Great is HIS faithfulness!!!!


So we now extend our arms to this little blessing below. She has what appear to be benign tumors on the surface of both eyes. Possibly cysts, and we seek the Lord in prayer for her as we work to get the help to her that will insure she grows up with her eyesight in tact.
Please pray with us that her needs can be met as quickly as the needs of the two beautiful children above.  If she needs surgery, the Bartimaeus Project will stand beside her all the way through.  She is in a wonderful, loving children's home that will make sure she is surrounded by support as her treatment continues.  We all have high hopes that her story will end with perfect vision and a loving family. We can rest in HIS Great Faithfulness as we move forward with helping her.

These blessings are the top three in a deep stack!
Donations continue to come in as our family prepares to move full-time to The Philippines.
Our home repairs are almost complete so we can place our US home on the market.
The peace of God engulfs us as we start selling our worldly goods and making the needed connections abroad.
We have been asked to speak at three different locations in the next month and share the project with Believers!

If you have donated to The Bartimaeus Project, we just can not thank you enough. On behalf of these children and the many others who stand in line for vision services "thank you" is not enough.   I pray that you feel in the depths of your spirit, the magnitude of what our Great and Faithful Father has done and will do through your giving. 

If you are praying about partnering with us, please do it!  I can assure you of two things:
1. Your gifts will benefit the children above, and others like them, for a lifetime.  Children with restored and preserved vision have an exponentially greater chance at being placed in adoptive homes than those who remain visually impaired.
2. When your gifts help us move permanently, we will be even more effective in sharing the good news of Jesus Christ and in getting more children to pediatric eye specialists.  Please help us get there!

To learn more about donating to The Bartimaeus Project, visit our web site at:  www.bartimaeusproject.org
All donations are tax deductible as we are a 501c3 in partnership with The Community Foundation of Carroll County

If you feel God tugging at your heart to do more than give financially, if you want to come spend time with our family in The Philippines after our relocation, let us know!  We can use any extra hands God sends and just the encouragement that comes from time with our brothers and sisters in Christ.  You can bring your children, too!  The Philippines is a visitor-friendly country and you will have access to medical care if needed.
If you have another gift or talent you would like to offer The Bartimaeus Project, we are all ears! We welcome you to come alongside us and get in on what the Lord is doing.  

Thank you for praying. Thank you for giving.  THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING and I have to pinch myself!!!!


GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS!!!!!!!